


Protect me, Protect me

by wirramirra



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Cheating, Choking, Dom/sub, Feelings, Fights, Forbidden Love, I Made Myself Cry, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, JaeYong - Freeform, Loneliness, Long Shot, Love Confessions, Love Triangles, M/M, Pining, Reality, Rough Sex, Sad Ending, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn, Swearing, waytoolong
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-27
Updated: 2019-04-24
Packaged: 2019-09-28 16:17:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 102,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17186273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wirramirra/pseuds/wirramirra
Summary: Taeyong's desire for Jaehyun gets out of control when he finds out that their vocalist is searching for love outside their group while preparing for NCT 127 first world tour. Things heat up but leaves Taeyong believing he's not good enough...





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my very first fanfic ever!  
> There might be timeline errors etc, it wasn't meant to follow precisely, I just took some inspiration from recent content. It's written completely from Taeyongs perspective which makes it harder to understand Jaehyun's feelings.
> 
> It's heavier and the end so i guess i would have to call it a trigger warning.

As a teenager, Taeyong quite often found himself feeling lonely. He thought he would get rid of that feeling when he grew up to be an idol, having friends, family, fans, pretty much everything. Instead, he sometimes still feels like a  bullied kid isolated inside his own bubble - being displayed for the public to see, to be mocked, to be admired, never to be touched. They see him, but they never really _feel_ him, never really know him, since the bubble ain't that easy to pierce through. It’s pretty stupid to feel like that though. If he’s not surrounded my his beloved herd of noisy teens and twenty somethings called group members, he’s surrounded by an efficient team of stylists, make-up artists, managers, film crew, body guards, technicians, musicians, dancers, fans, more fans, security, fans and eventually an occasional family member or friend from the outside world. At times it’s just too much, and then he zones out to his own private bubble of concentration in a far corner of the studio.  Most members know not to show a camera in his face at times like that. Like now, when he sees a tall, dark stranger… joking; friend, member, _fated, like he once said?_ standing behind the handheld camera.

Jaehyun. A weak but familiar feeling of jealousy stings his stomach when he sees him messing around with the other members. He’s young. He’s energetic. He loves attention – of course he’s always surrounded by other members, joking obnoxiously around and making silly faces. Taeyong never had that kind of relationship with him - the goofy one, that is. Their relationship was always full of nothing but respect, trust and loyalty – it was a happy and calm friendship, way more tranquil than you would suspect. It was nothing Taeyong wanted though. He let out a unnoticed sigh when Jaehyun’s dimples showed up behind the camera. Already from the start, from their first meeting, the first time he felt his presence, Taeyong knew that Jaehyun had something that he desperately needed to be fully complete. That’s not the reason why he befriended him, but definitely a reason why he always paid his full attention to the younger brunette. Like an extrovert gains energy from being around other people, Taeyong felt like he gained his lifeforce when being looked upon by those caramel brown eyes. It wasn’t sexual (well, not from the start), mostly spiritual. Like he needed Jaehyun’s soothing voice to back him up when he were having doubts about his existence. Soon enough he started to admire those dimples and smiling eyes.  Sometimes he even dared to run his fingers through those thick locks of hair.  He wondered what it would feel like to have Jaehyun’s firm arms wrapped around his torso; protecting, caressing…

No.  
He needs to stop being this pathetic.

  
A few years ago he tried. He tried to show his affection. He dared to put his hand higher up on his thigh than anyone else in the group. He played with the hairs at the nape of his neck, he even tried to link arms together a few times. At some point he had to restrict his flirting game because of the attention it got from the managers and the cameras, but he still tried to get closer.  Jaehyun never really moved away from his touch – never said no, never looked grossed out. But he didn’t really respond either. And with Taeyongs shyness and insecurities he just never dared to ask him if he felt the same sparks. In the end he just grew up and gave up. His smitten behavior would just damage the group and probably damage their precious friendship forever. So instead, he tried to be happy for Jaehyun maturing and flourishing, gaining more and more attention by fellow men and women with his dashing handsomeness. Johnny once told him, by accident probably, that Jaehyun went on a date after their radio broadcast. They’re obviously not allowed to date, but, the company can’t govern every step they take. Taeyong was dying to know who this lucky person was. For his own raging jealousy’s sake, he hoped it was a woman he went on a date with.

“Hyung!” Taeyong woke up from his day dreaming when he heard that familiar, soothing voice of honey and gold calling out for him. He realized he had been staring with loving eyes at the camera in from of him. Or not the camera, but the man behind it. A faint blush crept up on his eerie face. He met Jaehyuns eyes, and felt something set a fire in his chest when the man infront of him burst into a wide smile.  It was almost like the brunette got startled from the olders intense gaze. Taeyong was their leader and senior after all, and he knew that Jaehyun admired him for that. Jaehyun respected those dark, deep eyes – they knew what looked good and what did not.  However, this time Taeyong's gaze was different. It was softer, more affectionate, more honest. Almost begging? 

  
“What’s your favourite item on the Starbucks menu?”  
What kind of question is that?

 

Another event. It’s not far too late, but Taeyong is tired. The muffled sound of the car engine, together with the smooth bumps of the road, is probably a combination better than most sleeping pills. He’s squeezed between Jaehyun and Taeil, because he knows they won’t bother him. Donghyuck and Mark two rows in front of them are doing their best to contain their hysterical laughter when watching some stupid video on youtube. Yuta is bothering Sicheng (The Chinese boy is probably secretly enjoying the attention even though he would never admit it) and Johnny’s trying to talk with both Doyoung and Jaehyun about his idea for their next broadcast. Taeyong’s listening to their chatter with his eyes closed. He’s leaning against Jaehyun's shoulder, feeling safe and sound being able to breathe in the comforting scent of the younger man’s still damp newly washed hair. He’s always done that actually – slept on his shoulder, in his lap, against his back, on his thighs. Jaehyun said he liked it – feeling the weight of someone sleeping against him, that is. Taeyong is light enough not to make it uncomfortable for him. He thinks about Jaehyun’s broad and inviting chest, and feels like that would probably be the safest place for him to lay his head and fall asleep.

Somewhere, outside his dreamy safehaven, he hears Doyoung shushing Johnny, ordering him to let Taeyong sleep. Taeyong hears, but mostly feels, the low chuckle of Jaehyun, who gently strokes Taeyong’s hair. The younger boy coos “awww” with a made-up voice, laughing quietly together with Doyoung and Johnny. Since Taeil’s not laughing he’s probably sleeping too against the car window. Old grandpa’s, that’s what they are.  Taeyong tries his best to act like he’s actually sleeping. He doesn’t want to ruin the moment. Even though Jaehyun’s voice is joking and kindheartedly mocking his senior, Taeyong still wants to believe that the gentle stroke of his hair was sincere.  Soon enough he hears Johnny joking about braiding his mullet. He scoffs quietly for himself, thinking about just opening his eyes and flip off his hyung. But then he feels Jaehyun chuckling again, telling Johnny in English to stop teasing this poor tired boy. Taeyong feels fingers curling around his neck, reaching for the hair at the back of his nape. He doesn’t know what kind of game their playing with him today, but he certainly do like the ticklish sensation those fingers leave behind them when dancing through his strands of hair. Soon enough he falls asleep for real, and continues sleeping even when Donghyuck announce their arrival at the dorms in a high pitched voice.

He wakes up only after Taeil gives his shoulders a quick shake. With a groan he gives Taeil a half-asleep half-awake shoulder pat (mostly missing his shoulder and hitting his arm). He turns around only to notice that Jaehyun already left with the other dongsaeng’s.

 “They were making bets on how many hours you would be sleeping in the van after we all left” Taeil said with an apologetic smile.

 “Oh my god Hyung, that’s lovely” Taeyong answered, rubbing his eyes.

They went together back up to their dorms, only to hear a disappointed rumble when he and Taeil appeared simultaneously through the door, obviously ruining the boys’ stupid bet.

“You’re a bunch of ungrateful kids, laughing at your senior for working himself to exhaustion for your ass’s sake” he said with a faked grandpa-voice. He still had some shit to review that the company had sent them, so he picked up his computer he earlier left on the kitchen table and walked over to his and Johnny’s room. After having brushed his teeth and washed off the remains of today’s make-up, he sat down on his bed and opened his laptop. He sighed loudly and rubbed his eyes once again, opening the documents he were about to comment on. The computer felt hot in his lap though, so he stood up again to change into his pyjamas. He popped his head through the t-shirt only to find Johnny and Jaehyun standing by the door.

 “Oh, I’m…. We’re sorry, we were just wondering if you’re actually going to work” Jaehyun said, turning his gaze down.

“Work, when?” Taeyong answered, a little flustered since he didn’t know for how many milliseconds they’d been standing by the door, not that it would matter in any way.

 “Like… now?” Johnny said with a frown.

 “Yeah you were pretty comatose in the van” Jaehyun agreed.

“Jae here tried to wake you up by pulling your hair but you wouldn’t react” Johnny quickly added.

 “We think you’re over-worked” Jaehyun continued, looking at Johnny who nodded in unison. Taeyong rolled his eyes and was about to tell them how he actually wasn’t sleeping at all when they were teasing him, but fortunately he didn’t. Wouldn’t it be a little weird to just pretend to sleep when your friend is first teasing you, then playing with your hair? He just looked at them both with an annoyed expression for a few seconds, before relaxing his shoulders and softening his face. Of course it’s endearing that they care that much about his health. After all, that’s what he does all the time when it comes to them?

 “Alright”, he said, and moved his laptop from the bed to his desk. He whined “I give up” and jumped into his bed. Like the child he de facto was, he pulled up the covers to his nose and turned his back on the boys in the door quite aggressively. Johnny walked to the bathroom chuckling, whilst Jaehyun said cheekily “Good boy” before closing the door. Taeyong quite liked that.

 

 

 

Monday evening. Taeyong is sitting crosslegged on his bed reading some comments on their latest performance. It’s going very well for them, right now. Obivously success doesn’t come without hard work. They’ve been working their asses off, everyday, everynight, sometimes with just a few hours of sleep or nothing at all. Taeyong likes the tight schedule though. It keeps his mind occupied from wandering off to places he doesn’t want to visit, at least not alone. He’s glad that he’s sharing a room with Johnny. His endless energy and curiosity keeps the atmosphere in their room light and comforting. His inner demons won’t get to him when he’s sleeping in that safe place Johnny occupies. He doesn’t really like sleeping alone, though. He sometimes misses those few nights he shared with Ten, even if he would prefer to be the one embraced tightly against a bigger frame. He chuckles lightly at the memory, before putting away his computer. He still has some business to do before night falls.

He jumps off the bed and grabs his leatherjacket before heading downstairs. He sees the rest of the boys gathered around in the kitchen, chattering and putting out some side dishes on the table. Johnny shouts “there he is!” with a wide smile when he sees Taeyong walking towards the hall.  Jaehyun turns around behind the stove, with an apron tied tightly behind his back. The tight knot had lifted up his jumper a little, exposing the small of his back. That little strip of skin makes Taeyong’s mouth dry.

“Hyung, you’re not staying for dinner?” he says, flipping his bangs out of his eyes. Taeyong stops and thinks for a moment that feels like way too many seconds, before he hesitantly answers,

“Sorry, I’m not really hungry, and I promised the kids to go through some steps with them”, avoiding Jaehyuns eyes. He hears Johnny complaining about him working too much, which probably is true - but he could always do better.

“But…  I’ve cooked it” Jaehyun says disappointedly, tilting his head a little. Taeyong sighed, because he couldn’t suppress the feeling of guilt tightening its grip on him. It’s always like this – His dongsaengs wants icecream, they get it, the dreamies wants him to assess their choreography, he helps them, their manager wants him to pierce his ears again, he does it, the stylists tell him to wear the trashiest of outfits, he wears them - Jaehyun asks him anything and Taeyong would throw himself under a bus to make his wish come true. He’s too compliant. But after the scandal a few years back he’s terrified of getting looked upon in a bad light again, so he does everything to be liked, to be loved. This time he actually did promise the dreamies to help them out, but he just cannot say no to Jaehyun's puppy eyes.

“I guess I’ll need to tell them I’ll come later”, he says and sees the famous dimples making an appearance. Jaehyun chuckles softly and turns around to concentrate on his pots. He’s so needy of attention, Taeyong thinks. Apparently the elder’s praises mean a lot to him. Is it because he’s the leader? Or because he is just _Taeyongie-hyung?_

Jaehyuns cooking is good, and he makes sure to praise him a lot, just to get to see that smile as many times as possible. He’s just not hungry though, so he ends up picking on his side dishes and looking at his phone for the time. He really doesn’t hear what his friends are planning to do for the rest of the evening and leaves before anyone tries to stop him.

The clock is half past eleven when he gets back to his own dorm. Jungwoo, Taeil, Johnny and Jaehyun are still up playing some videogames. They have an early schedule tomorrow morning, so he feels like he should at least try to get the youngest to bed. He knows that the younger boy is only jokingly complaining when he leaves the sofa, but he still feels like an old grumpy man ruining the party.  
“Come play for a while, you look like the dreamies drained all the joy out of you” Johnny says and offers Jungwoo's place next to Jaehyun. Taeyong loves gaming, so he couldn’t really say no, even though he’s honestly very tired. He sits down next to Jaehyun and picks up the control. Jaehyun puts his hand on Taeyongs knee and squeezes lightly, saying “Damn  hyung, If it wasn’t for you I would probably be winning” with a big grin on his face. “I’ll let you win” Taeyong answers and notices how the youngers hand lingers on his knee before Taeil starts a new round of the game. Why does he need to be that fucking affectionate? Taeyong would prefer him not to touch him at all, unless he’s ready to touch him all over.

A while later, Taeil’s character gets killed in the game and the vocalist goes defeated upstairs. Johnny left already earlier. Jaehyun and Taeyong are still sitting next to each other, concentrating on the game and trying to defeat the other. Taeyong is the best gamer in the house so his pride won’t let him lose without a fight. But the tiredness is affecting him and he loses the game surprisingly fast.

  
“Oh, I guess that’s it. Congrats.” he says without much emotion behind.  
  
“Yeah I actually won”, Jaehyun answers equally indifferent. When Taeyong starts to move around aiming to stand up, Jaehyun grabs his wrist gently and pulls him down again. The sudden move surprises Taeyong, and he turns big eyed towards Jaehyun.  
  
“Are you going to bed?” the younger boy asks worriedly.  
The tone of his voice confuses Taeyong, and he answers hesitantly that he had to prepare for the interview they would be having in a few days.  
  
“So when do you sleep, when not in the van or on the floor of the dance studio? You came home late yesterday too”. Taeyong didn’t remember seeing Jaehyun last night when he came home, so he supposed Jaehyun had been up to hear him return (without saying good night) or asked Johnny about his late whereabouts. But why would he care?  
  
“I sleep, sometimes” he answers with a light chuckle, trying to lighten up the mood. He gives Jaehyun a final smile and the younger boy lowers his eyes to the floor. He’s about t stand up and turn around but Jaehyuns grip on him tightens.  
  
“But Hyung… is everything alright? You seem so… so absent. You don’t sleep, you don’t really eat and… I mean you’re getting so thin now again, even the dorm auntie says so”.  Jaehyun looks up under his bangs at his hyung with a worried expression in his eyes.

“Jaehyunnie, I am alright. I’m always alright.” Taeyong answers quietly. Jaehyun turns his gaze down again, this time to his own thumb that’s now stroking Taeyongs slender wrist. The touch feels hot on Taeyongs skin and he shifts on the sofa a little uncomfortably.

“I know that you have you’re good days and your bad days, but lately there’s been more of the bad ones than the good ones. We all obviously prefer you on the good ones. And I noticed that you didn’t even touch your lunch yesterday during practice. I….we are worried, you see”. Jaehyun says gloomily while continuing to stroke Taeyongs wrist, probably comforting himself more than Taeyong. Taeyong sighs loudly and says that his schedule is tough together with all the other age-old excuses. He mumbles something about responsibility, the company, looking out for the youngsters.  Jaehyun looks up at him again, and his eyes tell him that _with my radio show my schedule is almost exactly as tough as yours_. Instead he answers

“I’m just sad, because I thought you trusted me, or at least someone here, enough to open up a little. I’m just afraid you’re walking around with some kind of a burn-out, silently suffering but keeping up appareances”. Taeyong doesn’t answer. Of course he’s over-worked. Of course he sometimes feels like he’s the atlas carrying the world that is their group on his bony shoulders. But he was born to perform and to be a leader. It is this life or no life, really. He can’t really figure out what to say though, without actually spilling out too much information. Confessions about how neglected he sometimes feels. How lonely he feels, even though he’s constantly surrounded my friends and hundreds of thousands of fans who love him more than they probably love their own family. How his soul and body eagers for some companionship to share the burden of being the both loved and hated front figure in a famous group. And how he has wanted Jaehyun to be that person since the beginning of days. How it still pains him to see and hear Jaehyun every day, every night, knowing he will never be the one. No, he cannot talk about these things, not at this hour and definitely not here in their living room. He wants to escape this situation, and starts to tug his wrist out of Jaehyun’s grasp. Jaehyun releases the grip but grabs his shoulders instead.

“You’re just skin and bones”, he says sadly, lowering his eyes from Taeyong’s face to his chest.  He starts to slowly move his hands down the slender shoulders to Taeyong’s chest and his sides. The older boy feels a violent shiver down his spine when Jaehyuns fingers carefully counts every single rib until they land on his tiny waist. A mix between a sigh and the softest of moans accidentally slips out of Taeyongs mouth, but it is drowned in the sound of a single sob by Jaehyun.   
  
“Seriously, dear Hyung, you can’t just continue like this” He says while apparently fighting against another sob. In a twisted way Taeyong enjoys seeing his dongsaeng this worried about him. It makes him feel cherished. He lifts his hand to Jaehyuns head and strokes him over his unbelievably soft, soft hair, nothing compared to the bleached mess on his own head. He forces a smile and says

“I’m sorry. I can take care of myself. I’ll just get more stressed if I know you guys are worrying about me for no reason. I worry about you all the t-“ He doesn’t finish his sentence, because he feels like he’s talking to deaf ears. Jaehyun’s puppy eyes are staring blankly at him, making him look younger and more innocent than he really is. Innocence is not the word he normally would describe the younger man with, especially not when thinking about their latest promotions. Taeyong would like to kiss the stylist-Noona’s just for transforming that cute boy-next-door into the sultry alpha male Jaehyun’s now portrayed as. And whoever decided that Jaehyun should wear black leather gloves for their latest release is god’s send. Oh, how he secretly wished to feel those leatherclad hands pulling his hair and grasping his neck hard enough to lose his breath. The thought of that sweet pain alone is enough to make Taeyong breathless and warm inside his stomach. He closes his eyes for a moment to fully savor the image of someone else’s body in close contact, controlling him, affecting him, marking him with hands and mouth, owning him, protecting him from himself.  He suddenly realizes that he actually _do_ feel a stinging pain in his sides, noticing how Jaehyun’s nails are digging into his flesh. He twitches, not sure how he should react – It would look weird If someone saw them.

“Jaehyunnie… You’re hurting me” He said with a soft, apologetic voice.  
The younger boy returned to reality within a split second, releasing his hands from Taeyong’s waist with a gasp. Left on that tiny waist were red bruises, bruises that Taeyong would treasure a lot for the next day to come.  
  
“Oh god Hyung, I’m sorry, I didn’t ….” Jaehyun jumps up from the sofa, making an awkward movement vaguely resembling something of an apologetic bow.

 “I… just, I got caught in my thoughts and…. please, just …. just take care of yourself, Taeyongie-hyung. I shouldn’t interfere, I’m sure you know what you’re doing. I’ll go back to room now, I’m...” he stammers while fidgeting on a shirt hem. Taeyong turns towards him, smiling sadly at the slightly panicking younger boy.  
  
“It’s okay, really…” He says kindly and takes a paus. “What were you thinking about?”  
Jaehyun stills, stares at him for a few seconds before lowering his gaze. His round cheeks, the cheeks that are lacking the soft caresses and feather light kisses they deserve (or do they? Maybe there’s someone else kissing those cheeks since Taeyong aren’t allowed?) are getting colored by a slight shade of pink.  
  
“I was thinking about… that there will be nothing left of you to hold on to”. He stays awkwardly looking down at the floor before turning around, flipping his bangs out of his eyes and mumbling something about going back to his room.  
  
With a tiny voice Taeyong stutters “You don’t need to go”, but Jaehyun’s already walking away.  
And once again he’s left alone, with the smallest of stings burning in his sides as a reminder of someone else’s touch.

 

 

 A week later, the whole group had the luxury of sleeping in a little before heading out to the practice. Taeyong thought this would be a fine moment to show his appreciation for his groupmembers being that concerned about his well-being. During the week that passed he really had tried his best to only show his good sides, being funny (well he didn’t think he was funny at all, but for some reason people seemed to enjoy him doing silly voices and goofy faces), motivating and energetic.  He gets up early (still getting too little sleep, which Johnny later points out) to prepare something warm for breakfast for everyone to enjoy. Taeyong has heard that he’s known as the Mom of the group among his fans, and sure, he do enjoy playing the part time to time. He’s a good cook, too. He gets a warm hug from a sleepy Jungwoo who later happily stuffs his face with a huge heap of the pancakes Taeyong made. He’s adorable, Taeyong thinks. He wish he still had a little bit of that childish naivety left in him – not being afraid of expressing his feelings, whether it’s pure joy or anxiety. He’s just one year younger than Jaehyun but still so incredibly innocent, totally oblivious of the dark shadows in life – he still needs to mature before Taeyong feels like he’d be comfortable enough to open up to the younger boy. Right now it’s just enough to keep that precious face smiling, he thinks and ruffles Jungwoo’s hair with a smile on his face.

“You would be so fat if I kept feeding you treats every time you’re looking cute” he says and drops another pancake on Jungwoo’s plate. The boy thanks him with his mouth full, earning a scoff from Doyoung for his bad manners. Taeyong serves Doyoung a few pancakes and turns back to the stove, pouring more batter into the sizzling pan. He realizes once again how relaxing cooking is. Feeling the heat of the stove, being in control of the simple chemical and physical reactions of elements being mixed and braised together. He then feels a hand creeping up on his shoulder, and the brush of a nose almost touching his ear.

“How fat would I get if you fed me treats every time I’m being cute?”  It was Jaehyun whispering in his ear. It took him a lot of will power not to turn to face Jaehyun, but he managed to keep his gaze fixed on the pancakes instead.  
  
“You would need to loosen your belt with one hole, max” He said nonchalantly, flipping the pancake. Jaehyun made a disappointed noise and punched him lightly on his arm. The next move did however surprise Taeyong. Jaehyun dragged his hand down the side of the other man and let his finger stop at the hem of his sweatpants. He gently teased the naked skin just above his pants with his index finger.  
  
 “How fat would I get if you fed me treats every time I’m being smoking hot?” He said, so close to Taeyong’s cheek that he could almost feel the smile on Jaehyuns lips. The small touched burned more than the hot fumes from the pan, making him lightheaded. Surprised by his own boldness (or just afraid of anyone getting suspicious), Taeyong laughed and pushed Jaehyun away with his elbow until they didn’t have any skin contact left. Despite that slightly panicked save, he turned towards him and pointed the warm cooking spatula at Jaehyun’s chest.  
  
“You would need to have your own fucking stage” he answered with a smirk, and turned his attention quickly back to the stove. He felt his cheek’s blushing aggressively with the flirt to blame, and hoped he could blame it on the heat if anyone noticed. Jungwoo was giggling like a girl. He refused to turn around to look at the other boys, afraid that especially Jungwoo would start giggling even harder when seeing his Hyungs embarrassingly red face. So he kept his eyes on stove but managed to burn the other side of the pancake nevertheless.  
  
Why did he do things like that? Flirt with him, in the open, in front of everyone? Obviously it couldn’t be anything else than a joke, he wouldn’t do it in front of his group members if there were some feelings-that-friends-shouldn’t-feel-for-each-other behind. Or could he? Maybe he hoped for Taeyong to start flirting with him again, the way he did ages ago when he still tried his best to get his attention? He thinks back at the evening the week before where Jaehyun were almost crying because of worry concerning Taeyong’s health – He did say, after all, _“there would be nothing left of you to hold on to”._ He thought he had said it in a symbolical way, but… Maybe, maybe, he actually wanted to hold his small, but still very much viable frame in his firm arms? Embrace him,  protect him, as their leader but also as a companion? Could he dare to dream that possibility existed?  
  
The day after, Jaehyun hadn’t paid more than normal attention to Taeyong, which disappointed him – he kind of felt like he was still lacking a hug from the night before. But he didn’t want to appear weak and clingy, so he got his act together for the sake of his band mates. Maybe that was Jaehyun’s point with his intervention – just to address his genuine concern and to remind Taeyong of the fact that he couldn’t just jeopardize with his health considering how important his role is for the younger members. It didn’t need to mean anything more than that. Taeyong sighed. He was getting a headache from all the thinking and the fumes of burnt pancake.  He moved away from the stove and started to do the dishes instead.

“You look chirpy today Jaehyun-ah, did you have a fruitful night yesterday?” Johnny said with a smirk and walked around the table to sit in front of Jaehyun. Taeyong immediately got tense when he heard the teasing tone in Johnny’s voice. He turned around to look at them.  
  
“Nah, just had a drink, it was fine”. Jaehyun took a sip of his juice and gave Johnny a look, not wanting to continue the discussion further. Johnny smiled widely at Jaehyun and tapped the table impatiently.  
  
“Did you meet a friend?” Jungwoo asked innocently. Johnny made a funny face, obviously struggling to stay silent.  
  
“Not exactly, but since Johnny-hyung here is sooo nosy about it, I can’t tell if I will meet this person again” he answered and made a silly sad face at Johnny. Johnny said “awwwww” and faked a few sobs. Taeyong was so confused, and horrified, at the same time. He accidentally let it slip.  
  
“Did you go on a date?” he asked quickly, maybe a little bit too eagerly.

”Huh?” Jaehyun turned around to look at his Hyung, who stood with the wet dishes in his hands, dripping on the floor.  
  
“I said, did you go on a date?” He repeated himself, this time with uncertainty.  
  
“I did go meet someone, so, maybe?” Jaehyun answered a little annoyed.  
  
”You know we’re not supposed to ….to date”.  
  
“It wasn’t a date, then”.  
  
There was an awkward silence between them, and Johnny tried to save the situation by starting to talk about some movie he saw the day before.  Jaehyun turned back to face him and went back to his normal, careless self. Taeyong started to feel panicked, and he didn’t know what to do about it. Jealousy was growing enormous inside of him, making him shake, making him want to throw the dishes hard against the wall.  
“Who was it?”  
  
Jaehyun shut up mid-sentence and turned around again.  
“Hyung, seriously?”  
  
“It wasn’t a fan right?”  
  
“God, no!”  
  
”Some of the staff Noonas? You know they could tell the company and you would get into a shitload of trouble” Taeyong was starting to feel really flustered, raising his voice so that poor Jungwoo looked like he wanted to vanish.  Johnny raised an eyebrow in reaction by Taeyong’s change of tone.  
  
“Hyung don’t take me for being stupid, of course not! It’s really not your business” Jaehyun said and stood up. Johnny shoot Jungwoo a look, saying “uh-oh” quietly.  
Taeyong frowned, and put the dishes back to the sink with a loud clang of porcelain on metal.  
  
“Of course it’s my business!” He answered, trying to hide the doubt in his voice. “It’s… it’s our business!” He said, pointing at the two boys sitting at the table, looking stiff and uncomfortable.  
  
“Taeyongie-hyung, please, it really is none of your business, but I promise you, I won’t do anything that endangers me or anyone else in this group. Just trust me on this. It’s not what you think” he said defensively, looking somewhat guilt-ridden. His pleading eyes made Taeyong’s heart weep, and he relaxed his shoulders. He didn’t like to argue, but in the role of the leader he sometimes had to scold his members for their unthoughtful behavior. It wasn’t the nicest of tasks, he thought sadly.  
  
“Okay. I trust you. I’m sorry” He said and looked straight into the younger boy’s caramel brown eyes. Jaehyun didn’t say anything for a while, but finally he too relaxed his shoulders and let out a sigh.  
  
“Okay” he said too, and smiled timidly, just so that his lovely dimples showed themselves for a split second. Taeyong smiled too, and finished dishes, before stacking the rest of the pancake on a plate.  He heard Jaehyun talking with Taeil who recently entered the kitchen, and then Johnny got up and addressed Jaehyun to come to their room. “I need to ask you something”. Normally he wouldn’t care, but now he was dying to know what Johnny wanted to ask Jaehyun about.  
  
  
  


He waited for them to leave the kitchen, and a minute later he casually left to follow them. It was Johnnys and Taeyong’s room, after all. He sneaked up to the door (that was ajar, luckily) and put his ear as close to the spring as he dared. He heard Johnny talking.

“… you didn’t like the guy?”  
  
”No, he looked good and all that but he was totally uninspiring. I finished my drink and excused myself pretty quickly. Man, I’m tired of this searching and looking and… and meeting people that don’t move me at all. Hyung is right after all, I should really not be doing this”, he heard Jaehyun say. He? Taeyong’s heart started to gallop and he tried his best not to gasp loudly. Why on earth is he dating? Is he that desperate for company?  
  
“ Whew, he looked like he was gonna explode” said Johnny.  
  
“Yeah seriously, why did he take it so personal? It was so aggressive”  
  
”Maybe he’s jealous”. Taeyong froze behind the door. He tried to tell Johnny to shut up via telepathy, but no, unfortunately he never mastered that art.  
  
”What? No you’re kidding” Jaehyun said with a nervous laughter.  
   
“Why not? I bet he’s super jealous. He’s always been quite possessive about you, you know” . Jaehyun was about to say something, but swallowed his words. A few seconds later he continued.  
  
“You serious? You’re roommates with him, you really think so?” Jaehyun said with a thin voice.  
  
”Well he never said anything. Don’t take me wrong, it’s just my own interpretation of the situation” Johnny said defensively.  
  
“Oh…. I mean, no, I’m not his type. We’ve known each other for so many years and… it just wouldn’t make any sense.”  
  
“Well, you can’t be sure, can you? He’s always clinging to your side, always asking me if I came home with him after the broadcast and so on”.  
  
“Yes but that’s because we’re good friends. Been close friends for over five years. If he had any reason to like me more than just as a friend he would have done something about it years ago.”  
  
“Well if he did something stupid like that one or both of you would probably be transferred to another group anyway”  
  
“Mhm… But it doesn’t make any sense anyway… But thank you Johnny for the support, I’m glad to hear that you think I play in the same league as him. Leadernim won’t settle down for anything less than a teeny-weeny tidy princess” Jaehyun said with a laughter, apparently slapping Johnny on the shoulder by the sound of it.  
  
“Poor Taeyong-ah, he’s too hard on himself”  
  
“I think we should be harder on our own lazy asses if we’re gonna get ready for the practice in time. I haven’t even brushed my teeth yet”  
  
“Uh, that’s gross”  
  
Taeyong was shocked. He couldn’t believe what he had just heard. He was hardly breathing, praying that no-one came down the hallway in this very moment forcing him to pretend to go into his room. He heard the blood rushing through his veins, feeling weak in his knees. He had to go, now, before someone saw him standing awkwardly in front of his own door. He took one step back, checking that his feet were still actually bearing his weight, and turned around to walk back to the common areas. He walked fast through the dining area, passing Taeil who just finished eating. He sat himself in the sofa, took out his phone and pretended to do something. In reality he was thinking, thinking so hard. Jaehyun didn’t know how much Taeyong been pining for him for years? How could he not know?  
  
Taeyong almost felt somewhat angry at him, for being that thick-headed, not noticing his efforts on trying to impress on him years ago. In what way would he have responded if Taeyong actually would have admitted being interested in him back then?  He ruffled his hair and whimpered quietly for himself. He couldn’t tell what he was feeling – it was a weird, chaotic mix of anticipation, regret and fear of the unknown.  

They were supposed to leave for practice an hour later. Taeyong felt almost drunk from thinking so much. He had tried to draw up a map of the situation in his mind, but he didn’t know how to get from point A to B without risking too much – he already struggled with the thought of risking his own respectability, but he could simply not do something that might end up with him or other members leaving the group. The best thing would be just to confront him privately – but if he refuses him, there’s always the chance Jaehyun might end up feeling too awkward to stay in their unit, or even worse, accuse him of harassment. Even though he knows Jaehyun better than most people and doubts he would do anything to intentionally harm Taeyong, it’s still impossible to predict another person’s actions in a sensitive situation like that. After going through a few scenarios in his head he concluded that the best thing would obviously be to just… let it be.  
  
The only real thing he got out of eavesdropping on Johnny and Jaehyun was the fact that Jaehyun indeed is interested in dating men. He didn’t say anything that could be interpreted as attraction towards Taeyong – in fact, he said the whole thing sounded weird. And could he have been this oblivious to Taeyong's skinship and flirting for the whole time they’ve known each other if he actually did have some mutual feelings for him? Probably no, since he’s an intelligent human being who should be able to read social code. So no, in the end Taeyong settled with the decision of staying passive. He couldn’t go into practice feeling hurt,  since he’s supposed to orchestrate the whole thing.  
  
He gave himself a mental slap in the face and went to the bathroom to freshen up. He washes his face with ice cold water, let it drip and looks at the reflection in the mirror. He knows he’s handsome, sexy, even. He’s heard it countless of times, seen people on the street of all ages just stop, and look at him, mesmerized, jealous, confused by their own sexuality. He runs his hands through his hair and checks his eyebrows for stray hairs. There’s a small blemish on his temple, but he can live with that. He fetches his hair wax and begins to style his grey hair, that’s way too long for his own liking. He’s fiddling with his eyeliner (He can’t remember the last time when Jaehyun called him hot when wearing it, maybe he thinks it’s too feminine?), but decides on sticking with a shade of brown eyeshadow. He takes a quick selfie to check out the result, and is pretty pleased with his own accomplishment. Cute. The picture is later uploaded on their Instagram – seeing thousands of likes appear in a few seconds still boosts his confidence.  The least he could do was make himself pretty for their fans and, Jaehyun, obviously.

Johnny was still in their room when Taeyong came in to change his clothes. He felt tense and ashamed, even though he was pretty sure no-one had noticed him eavesdropping outside their door. He started to regret his actions, because Johnny and Jaehyun obviously left the kitchen so that he wouldn’t hear the discussion. He relaxed big time when Johnny started chatting with him about the choreography like nothing had happened.

He jumpes quickly into the van and settles himself next to Taeil, feeling relieved when Mark came sitting next to him. He realizes he’s dead nervous of seeing Jaehyun. He felt so stupid, so childish for it – nothing, precisely nothing had happened between them. However, hee still felt like the tension had changed, considering the things Johnny told Jaehyun, and the fact Jaehyun didn’t know Taeyong hearm them. Taeyong checks his phone quickly, and glances up under his waxed, messy bangs. Jaehyun just stepped in to the van, staring intensely at Taeyong for a millisecond, before becoming conscious of Taeyong’s equally staring eyes. Jaehyun mouth falls open but shuts again, lowering his gaze for a while only to steal a second look when seating himself down next to Winwin.  He blushes when he realizes that Taeyong saw him steal the second look too. He quickly saves the situation by showing his charming smile, saying,    
  
“Your hair looks good today, Hyung”.  Taeyong can’t help but smile widely at the sudden compliment, and gives himself a mental pat on the shoulder for successful styling.  
  


Everything felt pretty normal again an hour into the practice. They were having their usual roles, supporting and engaging each other. Taeyong felt good. He was light and swift on his feet, sliding, stepping, twisting around. He loved dancing, he loved expressing himself through sharp and fluid movements. He felt like he could affect people more with his body’s movements than what his words ever could. Sometimes he felt like he could make his audience weep with a flick of his wrist, sometimes he could make love to them with just a raise of an eyebrow.  He is also a victim of perfectionism, which unfortunately usually leads to late nights and tired faces at the studio. Today was such a day; if he wasn’t sharpening the angles of his member’s arms and legs, he was repeating a step over and over like a possessed man in front of the mirror. His neatly styled hair had been a sweaty mess on his forehead for a long time already. He looked at his mirror image, seeing his winded, breathless self, with a fire in his eyes like never before. He glanced over his own shoulder in the mirror, noticing Jaehyun demonstrating a step to Jungwoo. Taeyong frowned – he’s teaching it wrong.  
  
“Jaehyun-ah, that tap is on five, not six. You’re doing it out of rhythm”  
  
“Huh?”  
  
“Yeah, it’s on five”  
  
“No, it’s not? I reviewed the choreography before this” he answered snappily.  
  
“Well I did it too, and it’s on five”. Taeyong said and raised an eyebrow at Jaehyun’s tone. Is he in a bad mood now too?  
  
“I also remember it’s on five” Mark threw in, demonstrating the step for a still confused Doyoung. Taeil agreed that it was confusing, mostly because he was too tired to focus. Yuta yawned dramatically and put his arm over Winwin, saying “ok we’re done, time for a break” and dragged the younger boy out of the studio. Taeil shrugged his shoulders at Doyoung and followed Yuta and Winwin, eager for a well-earned snack break.  
  
Taeyong ignored the other boys and their weary faces. “I’ll show you Jaehyunnie” he said instead and walked over to Jaehyun, who stood proudly with his arms crossed over his chest. He showed the series of steps, and asked Jaehyun to repeat, the way they always do it. Jaehyun did it, but it was still wrong. He asked him to do it again. And again, and again, until Taeyong had to take a video of him to show what he’s doing wrong. The rest of the members had already left the room to go get something to eat downstairs while Taeyong continued on instructing Jaehyun.  With the help of the video Jaehyun eventually got it right, but it still lacked some edge.  
  
“Jaehyunnie, you’re a magnificent dancer, why can’t you get it right? It’s lacking all the sass”. Jaehyun rolled his eyes and groaned, but followed orders and did it again.  
  
“Now it’s way too fast”  
  
“Aaargh, but that’s totally why it should be on the sixth count”. He sounded really sore. Taeyong shrugged his shoulders, and did it one more time with great precision. Then he gestured Jaehyun to continue with a motion of his wrist. This time Jaehyun didn’t do it though. He ran his hand through his sweaty hair, flexing his biceps in a way that made Taeyong even hotter inside. He turned around, walked up to the mirror and leaned his back against it.  
  
“Hyung, I don’t understand this”, he said bitterly.  
  
“I know you know it, you’re just refusing to admit you’re wrong” Taeyong answered, becoming agitated.  
  
“But it doesn’t make any sense!” Jaehyun almost spitted the words out of his mouth. Taeyong recognized the words from earlier today, and it upset him even more. He felt like he was going to lose his temper if this discussion continued any much further.  
  
“Exactly WHAT doesn’t make any sense to you Jaehyun-ah? Me?”  
  
“Huh?” Jaehyun looked confused and crossed his arms again.  
  
”Oh you know what I’m talking about. Is it me who doesn’t make any sense?” Taeyong felt his cheeks burning and he couldn’t control his irritation anymore.  
  
“Taeyong, what the fuck? Why are you that pissed off at me now suddenly?” Jaehyun yelled, probably leaving out the honorifics on purpose. Taeyong felt he couldn’t really contain himself anymore and clenched his fists. He looked down to his feet and took a few deep breaths.  
  
What’s going on? Why is he this upset? He glanced back up at Jaehyun, who were still leaning against the mirror with a puzzled expression on his handsome face.  
Then Taeyong snapped.  
  
“Oh, fuck it” he said, mostly to himself, and walked forward. With an uncontrolled wildfire in his chest and with a confidence he’s never experienced before, he walked up to Jaehyun and gripped his upper arms, pushing his back hard against the mirror. The mirror made a sound when Jaehyun’s head hit it. Without hesitation, he leaned forward and kissed Jaehyun hard on the mouth. Jaehyun’s eyes widened and he made a muffled sound. His lips tasted sweet like almond milk. Taeyong broke the kiss and inhaled noisily, looking breathlessly at an equally confused Jaehyun who was starting to get a red tint on his pretty cheeks. Jaehyun didn’t try to escape Taeyong’s grip, and didn’t move either – the only thing moving was his chest heaving up and down, and his eyes, tracing a ragged path on Taeyongs face. They were both dead silent, staring at each other in utter shock.  
  
Fuck.  
  
The older boy was beginning to realize what he just have done, and released the grip on Jaehyun’s arm.  
  
“I-“ he was going to say something, but didn’t get the chance. Jaehyun cupped his hands around Taeyong’s face while alternating between looking at his eyes and his lips. With a sharp, panicing breath, he closed the distance between them and kissed him back. Taeyong couldn’t breath, couldn’t hear, couldn’t see – the only thing he could sense was the feeling of Jaehyun’s incredible soft, full lips on his own. Jaehyun shifted his head a little and Taeyong felt wetness around his upper lip. Taeyong parted his own lips a little and let out a faint moan. Jaehyun’s lips felt incredible, better than anyone else’s lips he had ever kissed. They tasted like home, and fitted perfectly against Taeyong ‘s own pout. He felt faint, and had to put his hand against the mirror to avoid falling into Jaehyun’s arms as the romantic fool he in fact was.  
  
Taeyong was going to put his other hand on the small of Jaehyun’s back when the younger boy suddenly startled, breaking the kiss. Taeyong looked up at Jaehyun with eyes big as saucers, drawing back his hand. Jaehyun inhaled sharply and all the colour in his cheeks vanished in the blink of an eye. He let go of Taeyongs cheeks, and backed off, still breathing fast and shakily. Taeyong couldn’t do anything else than just watch his loveinterest create more distance, _more safety,_ between them.  
  
“What the fuck was that” He said, terrified. He looked down on his hands and started to pace around in a small circle. “Shit!” he exclaimed.  
  
Taeyong was shocked by his sudden reaction, feeling his heart being ripped out of his chest and tears starting to burn in his eyes.  
  
“Jaehyunnie, it’s okay, it’s my fault, I’m so-“ he said but ended the sentenced when he felt a sob emerging.  
  
Jaehyun lifted a finger to his mouth and shushed.  
“Don’t you fucking cry now, you stay put” he said, hissing. He went to the door and took a quick peak outside. He closed the door again, and stood still for a few seconds looking down at his feet, focusing on his inhales and exhales. Taeyong felt trapped by the wall, he didn’t dare to speak, he didn’t dare to shed a single tear, or breath, for that matter. Jaehyun continued looking down at his feet, eyes flickering violently forth and back, probably due to turbulent thinking.  
  
“You know, what if someone saw us?” He finally said.  
  
Taeyong weren’t sure if he was supposed to answer, however he allowed himself to inhale deeply before whimpering something like “I’m so sorry”. His voice broke and it sounded more like a choke. He let his shaking legs give up under him and he slide down to the floor with his back against the mirror. Taeyong saw Jaehyun turning his head and giving him a red eyed glance. The gaze burned. Taeyong was forced to lower his head between his knees, protecting his head with his arms like Jaehyun were going to blaze him with flamethrowers instead of eyes. He stayed like this for a moment, his mind completely blank out of despair. Then he heard Jaehyun walk up to him with sure steps, and was surprise when he felt a strong grip on his arm, lifting him up from the floor. Jaehyun took a hold of his shoulder to steady the whimpering smaller boy.

  
“Taeyongie-hyung, now listen” Jaehyun sounded distressed and out of breath. Taeyong caught his eyes but was forced to close his own when he felt the tears starting to burn in the corners of his eyes now again.

  
“Look at me. Are you listening?” He shook his shoulder gently.

  
“…Yes” he managed to answer, his voice still shaking, sounding sickly and pathetic. He looked at Jaehyun, looked at that beautiful, familiar face, that he have been seeking encouragement from so many times on stage, during interviews, in the studio. He didn’t look really angry though, mostly worried and perplexed. He had memorized every detail on that face, admired every inch. It was an odd feeling, not being able to get the solace he needed from looking at that precious face. Now when he was looking, he was afraid to blink – afraid that the face in front of him would disappear forever in case he blinked too long. Jaehyun’s expression suddenly softened a little, and he released his arm to carefully move a strand of hair out of Taeyong’s eyes. That tender move made Taeyong’s heart ache even more.<

  
“My reckless Hyung, we need to talk about this. But now is not the time, nor the place. Please gather yourself and dry your tears from your beautiful eyes. I cannot look at you like this without feeling so fucking guilty I might as well jump out of the window. You need to act normal, because the others are coming back soon. Please finish this practice. I know you can, and if you can’t, just fake it, I don’t care”. Jaehyun cupped Taeyong’s face once again, and brushed a tear of his cheeks with his thumb.

  
“Do you understand?”

With all the will power he had, he grabbed Jaehyun’s wrists and pulled his hands down back to his sides.  He turned around, rubbed his eyes, then checked himself in the mirror and arranged his messy hair. Then he went to the audio player and turned on the music they were practicing to earlier. He looked back at Jaehyun.  
  
 “I do understand, Jaehyunnie”. He sighed, lifted his chin up, said “I’m okay” and started dancing.

 

 

 

The next couple of days passed. Taeyong didn’t avoid Jaehyun, and Jaehyun didn’t avoid Taeyong. They just avoided each other’s eyes. Taeyong was grateful for their busy schedule, which kept his mind and body constantly occupied and always exhausted. He hadn’t really processed what had happened, because everytime he thought about that evening in the dancing studio he felt his chest clench and his insides tying themselves on a tight knot. He wanted to know why Jaehyun had kissed him back, only to suddenly push him away with a resentment Taeyong never felt before. Thinking of that evening caused him so much misery he simply couldn’t bear it on a regular basis. The thing that hurt the most was knowing how incredibly fantastic he had felt in that short moment when Jaehyun kissed him back. The whole situation felt like winning a fortune on lottery, only to lose the money before even getting the chance to spend it. So he tried to not think about it, keeping his mind occupied with something else, anything really. He was glad to share his room with Johnny, who was easy-going enough to just keep chatting for the sake of chatting. The drama that took place between Jaehyun and Nct 127’s leader had luckily went unnoticed for everyone else in the group – or their friends were just too afraid of mentioning anything about it.  
  
That eventful night Taeyong had trouble sleeping, just rolling in his bed, trying to make sense of the things Jaehyun had said. The problem was, it didn’t make sense, at least not in Taeyong’s messed up head. At 4 am he started crying in his bed, partly from exhaustion, partly from humiliation and heart ache. Johnny woke up to the loud gulping sounds Taeyong just couldn’t keep away any longer. Johnny rubbed his eyes, groaned and lifted his head against his right hand.  
  
“Taeyongie-ah, you alright?”  
  
Taeyong couldn’t answer, and started crying even more uninhibited. He sat up on the side of the bed and buried his head against his hands in his lap.  
  
“Hey, man, did you have a bad dream?” Johnny tried again.  
  
Taeyong shook his head, blew his nose and gathered himself enough to say “I haven’t slept at all”.  
  
“Why? Is your family alright, has something happened?”  
  
“No… no, they’re alright, it’s nothing like that” He said and dried his tears against the sheets.  
  
“Then what is it?”  
Taeyong felt new tears forming in his eyes, and contemplating opening up about his agony to Johnny. But no, he couldn’t, that could risk both his and Jaehyun’s place in the group. He was dying to tell someone about it though, just to lift the burden of this shoulders a little with the help of some compassion. But it can’t be someone in the group or the company. His sister, maybe,  if he could face the embarrassment.  
  
“I can’t tell you about it but it’s nothing you need to worry about. I’ll be alright” he said after a few moments of struggling against his newly formed tears.  
  
“….Okay. But you know, we’re all family here, you’re safe here” Johnny said calmly.  
If he only knew.  Taeyong blew his nose one more time and went back to lie under the covers. It was the only time he cried thinking about that practice session.

Taeyong didn’t call his sister. He started slowly to feel better again, since Jaehyun didn’t mention anything about their argument and didn’t show any animosity against Taeyong. They weren’t talking much though, but with ten members plus managers it wasn’t really exceptional. Once, in the dressing room, he and Jaehyun ended up sitting next to each other getting their hair done. They talked about the coming show, but they could just have been talking about the weather instead – the conversation was that soulless. When their stylists were running around looking for one specific shiny hairspray around a dozen others, Taeyong accidentally caught Jaehyun’s eyes in the mirror.  Even though he was deadly handsome in his backcombed hair, Taeyong could only see his brown somber eyes, expressing a sort of pity that made Taeyong feel bad. Jaehyun stared back at him for a second before lower his gaze into his lap.

“Jae….” Taeyong called out cautiously. Jaehyun’s eyes flickered back to Taeyong’s, but since the stylist Noona’s were coming back he just shook his eyed and whispered “I can’t now”, putting on a honeysweet smile for the Noona.

Taeyong contemplated telling Ten about his awkward situation, but he couldn’t do that either, afraid that the story would leak or than Ten for some reason would get jealous. There were never any romance between Ten and him, but they had experimented, shared their tired skinny bodies when the only thing they longed for was some intimacy and release. This was the time after Taeyong gave up on trying to get Jaehyun’s attention with his endless flirting, that he recently got to learn went completely unnoticed. It felt bad to say that Ten would have been a substitute, but unfortunately he kind of was (which he obviously didn’t tell the Thai boy personally). He’s beautiful like an exotic prince and moves like a cat; together they were breathtakingly captivating, seducing the shit out of anyone laying their eyes upon them. Ten had always been so open about it, and willing too.  When they shared their first lustful drunken kiss a long time ago there were never any explanations needed afterwards, no mixed feelings. They were just lonely and exhausted and shared a mutual attraction to each other’s bodies – it was never anything else than a few nights of sex. Their busy promotional schedules obviously limited their chance to spend time with each other privately, which probably was for the good too.  
  
They recently took Ten with them to perform on a festival in Thailand, and Taeyong was tempted to book a second hotel room and drag Ten there for a fuck for old time’s sake, but he didn’t, it wouldn’t have felt right. His mind was too occupied with Jaehyun. While the thought of sleeping with Ten only provoked his basic primitive lustful instincts, the thought of Jaehyun alone in the proximity of Taeyong’s bed made him feel like he would explode – it made him feel light-headed, got his heart racing, the blood flushing to his cheeks, ears and his lower regions, releasing a hundred of butterflies in his stomach. So sleeping with Ten just for the sake of it wouldn’t have been fair to neither the Thai boy or his love interest. Therefore he wasn’t sure if he could talk about the Jaehyun business with Ten, even though his selfishness longed for analyzing the situation apart with a good friend with the same orientation. He truly felt lonely once again, surrounded by people who he couldn’t really talk to.

 

 

Taeyong had a rare, free night. He and Donghyuck were laying in Winwin’s bed (who was playing games on the floor) listening to Johnny’s and Jaehyun’s radioshow. They usually did that when they had the time, jamming to the music or laughing at their fellow band members subtle innuendos. Taeyong was relieved that Jaehyun sounded exactly as charming and gleeful as he normally does, but at the same time, his ego would have secretly wanted to hear Jaehyun being as hurt as Taeyong was. They were talking about some new tv-series that recently got popular in Korea, making Johnny almost spoil the story since apparently everyone in the States had already seen the series a decade ago.

  
“Well then Hyung, I suppose you won’t be joining me tonight to watch the pilot” Jaehyun said.  
  
“No I’m sorry, I’m actually planning to go working out after the show. I read that you sleep better if you do some exercising before going to bed. And I can’t let Taeil Hyungs abs be harder than mine forever!”  
  
“You’re going to the gym this late? Wow Hyung, you’re such a manly man, a real legend” Jaehyun said.  
  
“You’re not joining me? Ten years from now, your future lover will thank me for forcing you to come to the gym every night. Remember that listeners, your body will thank you later for your hard work!”  Johnny teased.  
  
“Hyung, you’re mistaken, I’m the Adonis reborn. No, you’ll have to go alone this time. ” Jaehyun said with laughter and began to present the next song.  
  
Thirty seconds later, Taeyong heard his phone vibrate. He pretended to listen to Donghyuck complaining about how no-one ever wants to take him to the gym when he stared at his lit-up phone screen. Jaehyun had texted him. They hadn’t really texted in their private convo since that night, so his chest felt tight when he opened the message.  
  
_“Ur free tonight, right? J’s not coming home until late. We need to talk"  
_  
Wow, that was really some seize-the-moment shit. He understood Jaehyun’s agenda though. They needed to talk privately, which was hard to do at the dorm unless their roommates weren’t home.  He typed back;  
  
“Y _eah. Come to my room. We’re listening to your show btw_ ”.  
  
_”Super!~~ See u soon”.  
_  
It was so casual.  
  
  
  


After the show ended, Taeyong went to take a quick shower before going back to his and Johnny’s room. He was brutally nervous, and tried to calm his nerves by scribbling something on his iPad. He longed for some explanation, but was also dreading the reality of it. He prepared himself for an anxious night. Half an hour after the show ended he heard someone knocking on the door. Jaehyun opened it carefully, looked inside to see that no-one else was inside, stepped inside and closed it behind him. Wordlessly he turned around and walked up to Taeyong’s bed and seated himself with his back against the wall next to Taeyong.    
  


Taeyong heard his own heart beating in his head, and he didn’t know how to start. Who was supposed to start anyway? Jaehyun sighed, and luckily opened the discussion.  
  
”First of all, I’m not angry with you, Hyung. I hope you see that” He said, not looking at Taeyong at all. He nodded, and hoped that Jaehyun saw it in the corner of his eye.  
  
“I was really surprised by your actions, as well as by my own. I… I didn’t know how to react. I still don’t, actually”.  
  
There was a silent pause, and Taeyong put his arms around his own knees to hug them.  
  
“Are you talking about the… the kiss, or the fact that you pushed me away?” Taeyong finally said. Jaehyun got stiff and stayed silent. Taeyong continued, ”And with the kiss I mean the kiss you gave me”. He felt so bold for asking those questions. Like he had the higher ground.  
  
“Uhm… both. It was all so sudden” Jaehyun said vaguely. Taeyong waited for him to continue but the didn’t. Poor boy, so confused, Taeyong thought.  
  
“Well, Okay. Okay okay okay. Well. If you have a hard time talking about this, let me ask you some questions. Why did you kiss me back?” Taeyong turned his head against Jaehyun’s, who were still staring straight ahead into the emptiness of the room. His cheeks were starting to get red, and he fiddled nervously with his keys.  
  
“Uhm… I… I just… I do like boys”. He said, looking very uncomfortable.  
  
”I know that already” Taeyong answered.  
  
Jaehyun turned his head quickly to look at Taeyong. “How?” He asked, seeminly really surprised.  
  
”I know you’ve been dating men. I’ve… I’ve seen it” He said, not wanting to get Johnny into trouble for being a snitch or anything. Jaehyun turned his gaze to his lap, looking incredible ashamed.  
  
“Oh.”  
  
“Don’t worry, I guess it’s okay. I’m just wondering why you’re dating different guys but then decide to kiss me back. Like I’m just one of those men. Why are you even out there dating, really?” Taeyong asked with a silent voice.  
  
“I guess I’m lonely, sort of. Longing for physical contact. I’m not looking for anything serious, I think. I don’t know”.  
  
”It’s not going well?”  
Jaehyun shook his head.   
Taeyong didn’t know what to answer to that. They stayed silent for a while, just staring into their own laps.  
  
“I feel really lonely sometimes, too. On a spiritual and physical level that… that friends can’t reach, you know?” Taeyong finally said.  
  
”Did you do it because you felt lonely?”Jaehyun asked.  
  
“Well, I didn’t kiss you because of that reason”.  
  
“Then why?”  
  
Taeyong sighed deeply, burrowed his face in his arms. He didn’t want to answer. Didn’t have enough courage for that kind of deed. Jaehyun apparently saw his struggle, and asked quietly “Did you kiss me because of… me?”. Taeyong suddenly felt Jaehyun’s hesitating hand settle on his upper back, a little awkwardly, like friends do when they comfort each other. Taeyong looked up again, and caught Jaehyun’s eyes. He felt tears burning in the corners of his eyes once again.  
  
“I….” He tried, but he couldn’t finish. He groaned and pulled his hair. He exhaled a few times, and turned back to Jaehyun’s baffled face.  
  
“How could you be this blind for all these years?” He finally said, voice shaking. Jaehyun removed his hand from Taeyong’s back and looked perplexed.  
  
“Huh?”  
  
Taeyong felt frustration building up inside him, his cheeks already burning from both embarrassment and agitation.  
“You haven’t noticed my… my … affection for you? Like from the start, when we trained together? You haven’t seen my behavior as anything else than a friend’s?  
  
Jaehyun straighted his back, his mouth falling open.  
“I, I never, thought ....” He stammered.  
  
”Argh, you’re so thickheaded sometimes! It was always you! You've been on my mind forever. But I just sort of gave up on trying at some point. But … I couldn’t lose those feelings, and trust me, I’ve tried”  
  
Jaehyun was searching for words, words that he never thought he would have to use in this context, with this person.  
“Johnny said something about you being jealous of me, but I didn’t believe him… I never considered myself as someone you would… you… And when… when you kissed me, I suddenly thought that he was right all along, it was unbelievable, but then I also thought that this is crazy, this is all so fucking crazy, and it’s never going to work, it’s fucking a disaster waiting to happen-“ Jaehyun was blabbering, not looking at Taeyong, kind of speaking to himself.  
  
“Jae” Taeyong said in the middle of the younger one’s sentence. “Look at me”.  
  
Jaehyun stopped talking, and turned his beautiful face against Taeyong’s again. He was so handsome, like a prince in shining armor, a perfect creature wandering this earth just to make Taeyong happy. That’s what he wished for, at least. Taeyong lifted hesitantly his hand to Jaehyun’s cheek, and fixed a wild strand of hair behind his ear. He put his hand on the base of Jaehyun’s neck, feeling his tight muscles twitching. Jaehyun’s brown eyes were searching for answers in Taeyong’s almost black ones, obviously not finding one since his face continued to have that unsettled expression. Taeyong wanted to count his lashes.  
  
“Why would it be crazy?” He finally asked.  
  
”It’s…. It’s… ” Jaehyun stammered.  
  
”Am I crazy?” Taeyong said and stroked his cheek softly with his thumb, while the rest of his fingers were making a path up Jaehyun’s scalp, caressing his perfectly soft hair.  
  
Jaehyun blinked a few times, searching for his voice, finding it eventually.  
  
“No…I’m… You’re beautiful, Hyung. You’re amazing. You’re not crazy”  
  
Taeyong leaned slowly forward, until his face was next to Jaehyun’s.  
  
“I think I’m crazy. Crazy about you” He whispered softly next to Jaehyun’s ear, before placing a soft, soundless kiss on his cheek, feeling the slightest of stubble under his lips. Jaehyun’s breath was ragged, while Taeyong wasn’t breathing at all when he slowly backed off to once again face the younger boy. He noticed Jaehyun’s wildy flickering eyes glance down at his lips. Taeyong closed his own eyes, as an invitation, and soon enough he felt the younger boy’s lush, full lips touch lightly against his own. Jaehyun’s breathing was totally out of sync, trying it’s best to calm down his panicking heartbeat. It didn’t matter. Taeyong lifted his other hand up to his cheek to cup his face in a gentle hold.  
  
He broke the soft kiss for the slightest of moments, and angled his face better before closing the gap again. This time he felt the wetness of Jaehyun’s mouth against his, tasting his taste, sucking gently on the soft flesh. Jaehyun tasted like almonds, like warm milk, comforting and secure. Soon enough Jaehyun got a grip on the rhythm, and Taeyong parted his lips slightly to let out an airy moan. The wetness of Jaehyun’s lips and the soft sounds of lips dancing with each other made Taeyong wanting to go wild. He wished to pin Jaehyun down then and there, on his bed, but it was not time for that now. He had to take it slow and enjoy this moment of pure bliss and tenderness. In that moment he felt Jaehyun’s hand land of the nape of his neck, and the younger boy broke the tender kiss. Taeyong inhaled deeply when he felt Jaehyun’s fingers play with his hair. Jaehyun looked breathlessly into Taeyong’s lustful eyes, and the older could still see a hint of guilt in Jaehyun’s kind ones.  
  
“Taeyongie-hyung” Jaehyun said with a slightly raspy voice. Taeyong shivered just from hearing his own name uttered by those lips in this situation. He’d die if he said it on air with his fucking radio voice.  
  
“What is it?”  
  
“This… I need to think about it. I can’t say I don’t enjoy … kissing..., this, I’m just not sure if… if this is very wise”. He stopped talking, but continued on stroking Taeyong’s hair at his neck. The sensation made him want to arch his back, but he tried his best to remain still, neutral, unthreatening, innocent.  
  
“I mean… you’re famous”  
  
”So are you” Taeyong answered.  
  
Jaehyun sighed and let go of Taeyong’s neck. He rubbed his eyes before looking at Taeyong again.   
“Yeah, that’s the problem, you know. That’s the huge fucking problem and that’s why I’ve settled with just admiring you on distance a long time ago. That’s why I ruled you… out”  
  
The last sentence made Taeyong feel like his heart was pierced by a knife. He did understand what Jaehyun was going for, but it still hurt. A lot. To know that he were never an option.  
  
“Oh. I see” He said and looked sadly at his hands that were now on Jaehyun’s shoulders.  
  
“But…” Jaehyun started again. Hesitating.  
  
”But?”  
  
”But you take my breath away” Jaehyun whispered.  
  
Taeyong couldn’t fight it anymore, so he pulled Jaehyun close and embraced him. He felt Jaehyun shaking a little, and he buried his nose in between his neck and his shoulder. They didn’t say anything, they just sat like that on Taeyong’s bed for a while, taking in each other’s scents, thinking about their options. Taeyong didn’t really want to let go of him, since he was afraid he would come to his senses again and start explaining why it would never work for them to be together in this way. Then he remembered that Jaehyun were still in his and Johnny’s room, and that the thing they had shared between them in this room was highly secret, highly flammable material.  
  
“Jaehyunnie, I’m sorry, But I think you need to go now” He said and released his embrace slightly. Jaehyun sat up, mouthed “yeah” and checked his phone screen for the time. He sniffed a little, and stood up, leaving Taeyong sitting alone on the bed.  
  
He looked back at Taeyong, who was searching for his phone on the bed.  
“Hyung, this is between you and me, right?”  
  
Taeyong looked up and nodded, smiling sadly at Jaehyun.  
  
“Okay. Okay okay, Good night now, hyung” He said and smiled back at Taeyong. The dimples were showing, and that pleased Taeyong a great lot.  
  
”Night”.  
  
  
  
  
Johnny came home 10 minutes later. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ///////// Sorry I mix past tense and present tense but I'm too lazy to fix it atm :''''''''''D I have the third chapter already written so gonna post it at some point..... //////////////

Taeyong slept well that night, dreaming about happy things, like Christmas back with his family, his sister’s marriage, his graduation. When he woke up he woke up with a smile on his lips, and for a few seconds he couldn’t remember why he was happy, and the only thing he could feel was gratitude for his life in Seoul. Then it struck him, the memory of soft, full lips on his own, giving his cheeks a rosy hue. Could he truly have been this lucky? Unfortunately, the pretty memories from yesterday were stained with melancholy – _“I’m just not sure if this is going to work”._   That memory dragged him from the soft cotton clouds he had been sleeping on, back to the cold surface of mother earth. He will make it work though – he feels invincible again, and there’s nothing he can’t do. His lips spread out to a wide smile again.

He picked up his phone, checked his messages (mostly some stupid nightly videospam from the younger boys who had been watching youtube far too long), his mail (many, he will do something about them later) and today’s schedule, just as a reminder. Photoshoot for their upcoming tour was first on the list. He pulled his covers up to his chin again and turned on his back. Nice, no need to put on makeup at home, he thought contently and set the alarm to ring a little later.

“Your abs steelhard yet?” Taeyong said and punched Johnny playfully in his stomach while walking downstairs to the kitchen.  Johnny flexed and punched Taeyong in his arm.  
“Ouch not that hard I’m fucking fragile” Taeyong laughed, and hit Johnny back even harder. Johnny faked an angry groan and lifted up Taeyong’s light frame, throwing him over his shoulder. Taeyong shrieked and giggled, hitting Johnny on his back with his fists. He was thrown into the sofa, cracking up like an idiot with his signature hiccup laughter. He was still gasping for air when he sat up in the sofa and saw Jaehyun looking at him, with an amused grin on his face and a cup of coffee in his hand. Taeyong’s breath hitched, and he stopped giggling immediately. He felt his cheeks and ears burning and he stared dumbfounded with his mouth open, lost for words.  
  
“Morning Hyung, there’s fresh coffee in the kitchen” Jaehyun said, still smiling widely. Taeyong managed to spit out a gawky “thank you” and got up from the sofa, heading to the kitchen to hide his red embarrassed face. Why on earth did he get that embarrassed?  
  
 He poured himself some coffee, took a few sips of the hot, black liquid, and tried to calm down a little. When he was in control of himself again, he joined the rest of the group, this time not freaking out when seeing Jaehyun with his messy but oh so cute bed hair. Really, what the fuck was that?

Taeyong realized pretty quickly that Jaehyun was dead set determined to keep their little drama totally secretive, which obviously was totally, absolutely fine. Apart from Taeyong’s malfunctioning in the sofa everything continued on just like normal. Taeyong had to keep an eye on everyone, including  Jaehyun, making sure everyone was on time, had their equipment with them, did that and went there and so forth. Caring for a ten-member unit was luckily easier than looking after the whole 18 person train wreck called NCT.

After collectively searching for Mark’s phone around the house, they finally were on their way to the studio where their photos would be taken. The delay had got Taeyong stressed, and Donghyuck tried to calm the older down by patting his back and talking adorable nonsense.

“It’s just awkward to keep the people not belong to our staff waiting” He said. Taeil said that they could always blame the traffic, while Mark thought they could blame Hyuck.  
  
 “Mark hyung that’s unfair, it was your phone we were looking for! You always blame me for everything” the maknae complained loudly. Taeyong ruffled the younger ones hair and earned a soft purr-like sound from Donghyuck. I really love these kids, he thought smilingly.  
  
“As long as you continue being adorable and keeping your mouth shut when I say so, I won’t punish you for being a little late” He said with a chuckle. He saw in the corner of his eye how Jaehyun looked over his shoulder at him.  
  
“In that case I think we all deserve to be punished by you” He said, smirking a little. Taeyong raised an eyebrow at Jaehyun, who chuckled lightly before turning his gaze back at his phone. Was that some kind of flirting? Oh, that’s a game he wants to play.  
  
  
  
  
Luckily for Taeyong, no-one seemed to mind them being a little late for the shoot. The make-up stylists jumped right at it, hiding their natural skin tone behind a layer of shimmering foundation. Donghyuck was once again wearing a foundation way too light for his beautiful, golden skin. Taeyong sighed and went to ask the Noona to choose another color.  
“But this is the one that was assigned for him….” she insisted. Of course it was, it’s not by her own choosing.  
  
“I know. But still. Get another one. I’ll deal with the management if they start complaining”. He should probably get started with his own make-up, since his detailed eye makeup usually took the longest. He first went to help Winwin get on his numerous accessories. He indulged himself with shooting a few glances here and there to his left, where Jaehyun was standing, getting dressed. He had this tight, black, strappy jacket thing on, that nicely accentuated his muscular arms. Taeyong almost didn’t hear when Jaehyun called for him.  
  
“Hyung, if you don’t have anyone else to help, could you help me with this zipper?” Jaehyun had his arms in an awkward position, trying to reach a zipper at his back. Taeyong nodded, and came to the rescue. He positioned himself behind Jaehyun, and his fingers hovered above the strip of skin peeking through under the unzipped zipper. He bit himself in the lip and pulled the zipper up to Jaehyun’s neck. His finger’s lingered for a moment on the nape of Jaehyun’s neck. His back is so sexy, Taeyong thought, and started humming to a Justin Timberlake song in his head. Jaehyun turned to look at the older boy over his shoulder.  
  
“Hyung are you done?”  
  
“Huh? With what?”  
  
”With the zipper”  
  
”Oh, oh, yes, yes it’s good now. All zipped up, and stuff”  
  
“Thanks. Do I look good?”  
  
“You could get a thousand girls to faint just by looking at them”  
  
“Girls?” Jaehyun asked with a sneaky smile.  
  
“And boys” Taeyong added, feeling the blood rushing to his cheek for the fiftieth time in the past twenty-four hours. Jaehyun smiled widely.  
  
“You’re make-up Noona is waiting, go make yourself pretty”  
  
“Pfft, for that comment I’m gonna ask for her to make me look like an ugly old man”  
  
“She could try…” Jaehyun said amusingly.

The make-up Noona didn’t try to make him ugly. He saw his reflection in the mirror, sultry eyes, glossy lips, and his perfectly shaped high cheekbones looking even sharper. Everyone was looking really good today, he concluded. Yuta was swooning over Winwin again, and well, you couldn’t blame him, the sweet boy was once again transformed into an elegant Chinese prince. His own sweet Disney prince had himself been transformed into a mysterious, dark, tall – but very bad - stranger with a look to kill.  Apart from some off-putting foundation shades and the occasional, crazy hairdo reminiscent of a cleaning mop, Taeyong really appreciated their stylists.  
  
It was his turn to get his individual picture shot, so he gave his best as usual and tried different styles of poses he’d seen in magazines and music videos. He saw Winwin, Yuta and Jaehyun watching him. Yuta was whispering something to Winwin’s ear, who was staring at Taeyong, trying to acquire in even a fraction of the confidence Taeyong had in front of the camera.  Jaehyun was staring at him with such burning intensity it almost made Taeyong feel uncomfortable. He had looked at him shooting, dancing and posing before, but did his gaze feel different now that he knew that he was indeed allowed to stare? Taeyong looked back at Jaehyun mid-pose, which the photographer obviously liked since he told him to stay like that. A dimpled smile emerged on Jaehyun’s face, and the boy shifted his weight from one foot to the other. Taeyong imagined him being alone with Jaehyun, who with crossed armes watched Taeyong dance and move according to his wishes. He wanted Jaehyun to look at him like he was bound by some magic spell; he wanted to _be_ wanted with intensity so frantic it defied the rules of nature. He wanted Jaehyun to strip him naked with his eyes. Taeyong’s fantasy made his eyes burn with passion, and the photographer loved it, taking picture after picture, ooh-ing and aah-ing at the young leader’s handsomeness. Taeyong felt he could burn a hole in anything he looked at – that’s what performing does to him, it makes him feel invincible.  
  
After finishing his shoot, he strutted down the hall, walking towards Jaehyun and the others. He ran his hand through his hair, keeping his gaze fixed on the younger boy with golden brown hair. Jaehyun was screening him from top to toe, before going back to meet his eyes. There was something obscure in his gaze, and Taeyong stopped in front of him, maybe a tad bit too close than necessary.  
  
“You like what you see?” Taeyong murmured. He saw the slightest of smirks forming in one corner of Jaehyuns mouth, then he swiftly moved his gaze to the left, where Yuta and Winwin were standing. Taeyong swallowed, and changed his tense posture. Yuta threw a joke about Taeyong not being able to afford jeans without holes in them. Jaehyun laughed heartily and stayed with the foreign boys while Taeyong continued on.  
  
Even though he loved how great performing made him feel, it also made him feel quite hollow afterwards. He might be only imagining it, but it felt like everyone, staff or not, were staring at him when he walked down the corridor to the dressing rooms. He put his hands into his pockets, and noticed a piece of paper he hadn’t noticed before tucked in there. A phone-number and a heart were written on it together with someone’s initials. He couldn’t really be bothered, and at that moment, he felt kind of cheap and dirty.   
  
  
  


In evening he and Winwin were having dinner with some from their management. Taeyong only picked in his food, being nervous for the things their managers were going to say. There had been so many comebacks and promotions and events after events that he was afraid he would not be able to handle more stuff being added to their busy agenda. Since Winwin too were invited to dinner, it probably concerned the soon to be debut of NCT Vision.

The management had some new ideas for an upcoming NCT 127 tour in both Japan and Korea, and had to check with Winwin and Taeyong if it was okay to proceed without Winwin participating, since he would be busy with NCT’s new Chinese unit. Both of them was obviously against the idea, but in the end there was really no other choice than to proceed, since NCT 127’s first album had so recently been released, meaning they had to tour with it while it was still fresh. Taeyong looked apologetically at Winwin. The fans would be pissed.  
  
“Since you’ve been working so hard, we were also thinking about sending you to the Philippines on a holiday. After throwing a show in Manila you could go to some nice island for a few days, to relax, maybe shoot some holiday videos”.  Winwin gasped and looked excitedly at Taeyong.  
  
“Yes, that sounds amazing” Taeyong answered. A holiday, together with his members. That would be so very needed.  
  
“Good. We come back to you when it’s settled with dates and all that. How are you doing, generally?” One of their managers, who usually didn’t spend as much time with them, asked.  
  
“We’re doing great, we’ve been getting so much love from all over the world” Taeyong answered. Winwin nodded and did a heart sign.  
  
“That’s fantastic boys, you’ve made us so proud. But you, Taeyong, how are you doing?”  
  
The manager’s tone was somewhat accusing, with surprised him. Him? What’s with him? He’s conflicted, for sure. His thrill and anticipation for the days to come are shadowed by a good amount of fear from being shot down from his high. He’s feeling a lot, a lot of different emotions, and he hasn’t allowed himself to deal with them at all. Is love making him delirious? Unbalanced? Have they noticed how his mind is wandering, for all the wrong reasons? No, they couldn’t. As far as he knows, the company cannot read his mind and the only person who might be able to do so is Jaehyun anyway.  
  
He quickly put on a smile, and assured them he’s alright. Winwin nodded again in agreement and patted his Hyung’s back. Such a cute innocent boy, indeed.  
  
“We’ve been getting a lot of comments on your weight. And that you look tired. Don’t make us worry, you should stick to your diet but don’t overdo it.”  
Taeyong sighed both from relief and irritation. Same old,  same old.

The boys had some drinks together with the management to celebrate their success with their album and the fact that a new unit were soon to debut. They were joyous when they got back to the dorm, and announced to everyone present that they’ll be going on a holiday next spring. Everyone were ecstatic over the news, looking forward to trying all kinds of exciting activities they hadn’t had the chance to try because of their intensive years of being trainees and then debuted idols. Diving, hang gliding, just chilling and drinking together in paradise. The Christmas holidays were just around the corner, but their schedules were already so fully booked that there wouldn’t be time for any real relaxation.  
  


A few of them were sitting in the sofa watching a movie halfheartedly , mostly talking about all the stuff they wanted to do and see on their island excursion. Taeyong was sitting next to Jaehyun who was showing some pictures he took when he went to Fiji to film Law of the Jungle. Yuta seemed really jealous and demanded Jaehyun to show more. Taeyong had seen some of the pictures before, but hadn’t really memorize anything else than Jaehyun’s cute selfies in front of the azure blue sea. Jaehyun talked excitedly about his memories from the island, including the show. Yuta wanted to see some clips from hit, so they watched bits and pieces of it together from youtube. Taeyong smiled at the footage – it wasn’t that long ago, but it still felt like Jaehyun had matured so much since then. He laid his arm casually over his shoulder and played with his hair subtly. Jaehyun shifted nervously, glanced at Yuta who was intensly watching the computer screen, and laid his hand cautiously on Taeyong’s thigh. Nothing weird with that, that’s what they all do all the time, but the way Jaehyun’s hand painfully slowly moved up his thigh was something else.  
  
Taeyong removed his arm from Jaehyuns shoulders, but Jaehyun’s hand stayed on his thigh. He smiled for himself, pleased with his success at initiating physical contact. Taeyong was hyper aware of that hand, waiting for it to move even higher. Instead it slided inwards, until his fingers were resting on Taeyong’s inner thigh. Bold, he thought, getting aroused by Jaehyun’s indecency. A moment later he removed his hand to show another video on his laptop, letting Taeyong relax a little.  
  
After the video ended, Yuta jumped up from the couch and announced that he’ll be making some sandwiches. Doyoung rubbed his stomach demonstrating hunger, following Yuta to join him in snack-making. Jaehyun shifted too when he heard the word food, and was probably planning to join Yuta and Doyoung to the kitchen. But Taeyong grabbed his arm gently.  
  
“Jaehyunnie, please stay. Show me some.. some more pictures from Fiji”  
  
Jaehyun looked back at him curiously, contemplating Taeyong’s plea against snack making.  
  
“Okaaay” he said, dragging on the vovel. He sat back down next to Taeyong and opened his folder of pictures again. Taeyong feigned interest until Yuta and Doyoung were out of sight.  
  
“I don’t really want to look at more pictures” he said quietly. Jaehyun stopped browsing them, and turned his head to look at Taeyong. Taeyong lifted his gaze from the screen to meet Jaehyun’s brown eyes.  
  
“No? Are there something wrong with my pictures?  
  
Taeyong hummed and shrugged his shoulders.  
  
“No, I prefer to look at you in real life. In... In five, six or 7D with endless amounts of pixels, if that’s not a digital thing already” He said with a smile on his lips.  
  
“Uh, I never thought you’d be that cheesy” Jaehyun said with a chuckle.  
  
“I know, it’s awful”  
  
He finds himself staring into Jaehyun’s eyes, feeling himself drown in warm and smooth chocolate. He notices how Jaehyun swallows, apparently trying to come up with a witty reply to ease the tension. He doesn’t, though.  He glances quickly at the hallway, before allowing himself to meet Taeyong’s eyes again. Taeyong knows how his own dark, dark eyes are piercing Jaehyun, uncovering his fiery lust and intention. He erases the thought from his head telling him that the younger boy might feel uncomfortable. Taeyong leans in a little, and waits for him to either back off or stay put. Jaehyun stays still as a painting, probably not even breathing. Taeyong’s brashness feeds on the fact that the boy doesn’t back away, not even now outside the privacy of their rooms. He bites his lower lip, and sees Jaehyun looking down at it. It’s the only sign of allowance he needs before he closes the distance.

 He feels Jaehyun’s breath on his lips again, and inhales hard from the foretaste of what’s to come. He pecks the corner of Jaehyun’s lips, and when he doesn’t move away he gently kisses his upper lip. Jaehyun hums lightly, and responds to the kiss by parting his lips a little. Taeyong lets go of his arm and cups his face, and kisses him with his eyes tightly closed. He loves, loves, loves, the way Jaehyun’s breathing speeds up and sounds accentuated, almost labored, against his lips. It makes him so incredibly aroused that he has to fight against his urge to deepen the kiss – they can’t do it here, they might get lost in it and fail to hear someone coming. But he does want to taste him more, breath his air, mute his voice. His prayers are answered when he suddenly feel the tip of Jaehyun’s tongue tease his lips a little. He can’t stop from smiling against Jaehyun’s mouth, and he feels Jaehyun smiling too. Then he angles his face some more and opens his mouth enough to let Jaehyun taste him. The warm wetness of the other boy’s pretty mouth makes him feel drunker than what the drinks earlier really made him. He let’s out a faint groan, which unfortunately leads to Jaehyun stiffening a little. Taeyong open his eyes, only to see Jaehyun doing the same, and they break the kiss. Jaehyun’s alarmingly red in his face when he wipes his mouth with his hand. Taeyong desperately wants to feel those rich lips on his own again, and he begins to lean in again. Jaehyun lifts his hand against the older boy’s mouth and pushes him gently back.

  
“They’re coming” he whispers, and adjusts the position of his computer in his lap.  
  
Taeyong looks dumbfounded at the hallway only to see Yuta and Doyoung coming in with a heap of sandwiches a moment later. His mood drops a little when he sees the ridiculously excited look in Jaehyun’s face when he sees the incoming food. Was he really that excited a moment ago?  Yuta and Doyoung join them on the couch again; happily oblivious to the kiss their group members shared a moment earlier.  
The three boys munches happily on their sandwiches and continues semi-watching the movie that’s been playing for an hour already.  
  
“Hyung there’s enough sandwiches for you too if you want some” Yuta says when he sees Taeyong getting up. Taeyong shakes his head and thanks them for their effort. He doesn’t tell them that he can’t help the feeling of being jealous of a fucking sandwich.  
  
  
  


The days to come their schedule keep the group busy again, making it hard for Taeyong to get any chance of seeing Jaehyun alone for more than a few moments. Their rooms are not safe because of their roommates, the common areas are obviously not safe, and they’re too busy to actually go somewhere together if they’re planning to sleep for more than four hours. Apart from their normal ingroup skinshipping, it’s hard to flirt without it showing for at least one or two of the members or staff around. Taeyong also starts to doubt their _normal_ interactions – could someone find it suspicious when he arranges Jaehyun’s hair? Is it weird that he often prefers to stand next to him? Maybe they should avoid taking selfies together?  
  
It’s a few days before Christmas, and they’re waiting for their turn to perform. They’re sitting in the dressing room again, some nervous, some bored. Taeyong’s been thinking too much again about the boy chilling on a bench a few meters in front of him.  It’s bugging him how they never really find the time and place to talk. He sees Jaehyun fiddling with his phone, so eventually he decides to text him instead.  
  
_“I don’t know how you feel but I need to see you privately, like, real soon”_  
  
He waits a moment for Jaehyun to register the vibration of his phone, hoping that the kids next to him won’t try to glare at his screen. Jaehyun unlocks his phone, reads the message and looks quickly at Taeyong with a slight blush creeping up his beautiful face. Then he looks down again and texts back. <

  
_“Mhm. It’s a bit hard thou .-.”_

  
Taeyong feels a little disappointed with the reply. Well, yes, thank you for stating the obvious, he thinks. He looks quickly up at Jaehyun who is back doing something on his phone. He sighs, and gets up to grab some iced coffee instead. When he returns to his seat on the bench, he feels his phone vibrating again.  
  
_“What would you like me to do with you”_  
  
He almost chokes on his coffee. He looks quickly around to make sure no-one saw his phone screen. He looks at Jaehyun who is chitchatting with Donghyuck about something. What was that supposed to mean?  
  
He felt his cheeks getting red and excitement stirring in his stomach when he opened a blank textbox to write a reply. What could he write? How much did he dare to write? He looked back at Jaehyun, admired his prince-like features, his smooth, shining chestnut hair and the way his shirt sat tightly across his chest. He wanted him to do everything.  
  
_“oh @_@_ ” Send.  
Ah, he panicked. That’s so lame. He has to write another reply asap.  
  
_”Push me up the wall real hard and take my fucking breath away_ ” he sent it. Man.  
  
Jaehyun was still talking with Donghyuck, but picked up his phone nevertheless. He looked at the screen quickly and put it down again. He glanced in Taeyong’s direction with a shy smile. Taeyong felt like his cheeks were burning.  
  
A few moments later he got a reply.  
_“That’s cute. Ask me when”_  
  
He was blushing even harder now, staring stupidly at his phone. He checked the clock, their turn to perform was going to be soon in just a few minutes.  
  
_“I’m not cute. When?”_  he replied.  
  
Jaehyun looked back at him now, letting his bangs fall carelessly over one eye.  He showed a dimpled smile and got up, since it was to be their turn to go out on the stage. He quickly typed something before leaving his phone with his other personal things.  
  
Taeyong waited for the message to pop up on his screen.  
_“follow me after our stage ends”._  
  
Then he ran after the rest of the group to get ready for their entrance.  
  
  
  


As always, and as expected, they gave it all for their fans and did a great show.  They owned it all to their fans in the name of fame, so Taeyong, especially, found it very important not to let any worldly worries or petty private problems distract his group during a performance. He couldn’t tell where he would have ended up if the company hadn’t given him a life of stardom. Maybe he would have pursued his childhood dream to be a fireman? Well, probably not with his small and fragile figure. What if he had continued with his way of life from his scandalous youth? What if he would have had a pregnant wife, steady salary and a house by now? What if he had fucked it up real bad and brought his family to shame? Because of those what-ifs, he didn’t want to sacrifice the thing he had now, because it truly meant everything to him. The friendships he had made during the years under SM. With his group,  with his sunbaes, with Jaehyun…

Oh, Right. In the heat of the show he had obviously totally forgotten about the text Jaehyun had sent him earlier. They were about to close the show, standing together in their final positions, sweating pearls on their foreheads under the hard stage lights. He scanned the stage quickly after Jaehyun and stopped at his familiar face. He didn’t return the look, at least not yet. The roar of the audience was ear deafening, and they still had duties to do, so Taeyong turned his gaze back to audience to thank them, earning even louder screams. He dried the sweat on his forehead with the back of his hand, and smiled devotedly. The love from the audience, that’s the only thing he really needs - that is what makes him feel truly blessed.

They were walking off the stage, still waving to their fans. Mark threw his arm over Taeyong’s shoulders, cheering and praising his Hyung for good work. He had been really content with the relaxed vibe of the evening – until he saw Jaehyun, that is.

Jaehyun was already waiting by entrance to the backstage area, looking directly at Taeyong under his messy bangs. Taeyong stiffened, and let himself loose from Mark’s hold. He apologized himself, mumbling something about how Jaehyun had some technical issues and they had to sort it out with their technician. He didn’t think anyone would have like to accompany them when there were showers and refreshments available backstage. He stopped next to Jaehyun, waiting for the rest to leave out of sight. Jaehyun was looking across the hallway, and when the route was clear he grabbed Taeyong’s arm and dragged him after him without saying anything.

 Taeyong didn’t know where they were going. Jaehyun opened a door to their left (at least it didn’t say “technician” on it) and pulled Taeyong in. It was really dark, and it took a few seconds for Taeyong to grasp that they in fact were on the actual stage, just behind the backdrop and all the heavy curtains. They continued on for a bit until Jaehyun stopped, moved a bit of the heavy curtain out of way until he found the real wall. Then, still without saying anything, he turned against Taeyong, took him by the shoulders and pushed his back up the wall, letting the heavy curtain fall back in front of them. Taeyong let out a small grunt when his back hit hard against the wall, and before he could make any other noise he felt Jaehyun’s lips on his own. His eyes shot wide open in the darkness.

Jaehyun was breathing heavily, pushing Taeyong up the wall with his warm, strong body. Jaehyun broke the kiss and adjusted Taeyong’s mick out of the way, while the gray-haired boy grasped for air. Then he went back for his lips, hungrily, forcefully. A small whimper escaped Taeyong’s mouth before letting Jaehyun’s warm tongue in while shutting the rest of the world completely out.

In the heat of the moment Taeyong could ironically sense even the smallest of details, from Jaehyun’s lashes tickling against his cheek to his milky skin’s faint smell of almond and warm spices. His hair was as sweaty as his own, clamming against their foreheads. Taeyong let his own tongue dance alongside Jaehyun’s, teasing and tasting the younger boy’s hungry mouth. It felt so, incredibly, ridiculously good. Oh he had missed this… and it still felt completely and utterly different from kissing Ten.  Jaehyun was altogether way more masculine than Ten, and he had that dominant feel, that needy, passionate vibe going on that he never got from the cheeky Thai boy. Taeyong really enjoyed feeling feeble and brittle and breakable and, and, almost powerless in Jaehyun’s grip. His skin felt burning hot, and he yearned to take off his clammy shirt (obviously knowing that he really couldn’t).

Taeyong lifted his arms up on Jaehyun’s shoulders and grasped his hair at the back of his head. He tried to pull Jaehyun even closer if possible, taking his soft lower lip in his mouth, biting down softly. In response Jaehyun grunted (them both probably hoping that no-one was behind the heavy curtains listening) and gripped Taeyong’s wrists, forcing him to let go of his hair. He pinned his wrists against the wall, keeping him steady and secure between his body, his mouth, and his hands. A shiver went down Taeyong’s spine when he realized that he couldn’t move. The restraint hit him like a drug, and he got drunk from the other’s supremacy. Jaehyun’s kisses got even more carnal than before, making Taeyong hope that at least one of them remembered to breath. Next he felt Jaehyun’s hips pushing against his, feeling how the younger boy’s leg moved up between his own legs. It was like a flaming arrow was shot to his groin area, and he tried his best not to blatantly let out cry. He had probably been hard for a while now, but it hadn’t bothered him before – now when he had Jaehyun’s leg pressed up against he realized that he was hyper aware of every single touch and bit of friction. The contact almost hurt - It was a good hurt though;  that throbbing pain yearning to be soothed by the man in front of him. When noticing Taeyong’s response, Jaehyun grinded his hips even harder against him. He couldn’t help but let out a moan, so  Jaehyun broke the kiss and shushed.  
  
“You shut up now”, he whispered roughly and put a hand over Taeyong’s mouth. He then turned his attention to Taeyong’s delicate neck, and started kissing it from his jawbone down. Taeyong felt teeth on his skin, and tried to say something against Jaehyun’s hand. He utterly loved it, he loved the bite, the sting, the pain, but he was afraid it would leave marks. However, his words came out muffled. With a quick flick of his wrist he escaped from Jaehyun’s grip and dragged down Jaehyun’s hand from his mouth. He inhaled deeply. The move made Jaehyun let go of his neck, and he looked back up at Taeyong with heavy lidded eyes. Jaehyun was breathing heavily, but his expression turned out to be surprisingly soft, like he was waiting for Taeyong to say something. The older boy stared into those alluring eyes, thinking that he should probably tell him to stop. But he couldn’t form any coherent sentences in his mind. The only thing he could think of was Jaehyun’s slightly parted red lips and the throbbing in his jeans.  
  
“Fuck”, he said, and leaned in to kiss Jaehyun again. Their mouth’s clashed together, demanding more and more of the other. Even though they tried to be quiet, Taeyong was afraid that their sharp nasal inhales and exhales together with the sound of wet lips sucking on equally wet skin would still be heard by someone around the stage. His lust-ridden mind pushed the thought aside, hoping he wouldn’t have to deal with any consequences later.

Taeyong snatched his other hand out of Jaehyun’s grip, and moved both of his now free hands down to younger boy’s hips. His fingers were itching for a feel of his skin, so he dragged his dress-shirt up from under his trousers and let his fingers dance up his sides under it. His skin was so soft and so, so hot under his touch. His handers wandered up to his back, feeling the tense muscles twitching.  
  
Suddenly he heard a clank of something falling to the floor. Jaehyun immediately broke the kiss, tensed up and looked horrified down around him. They still had their microphones on (luckily turned off, they’re not that stupid), so Jaehyun’s transmitter had fallen to the floor when Taeyong was fiddling with his shirt. Taeyong let go of Jaehyun, gasping silently. A horribly flustered Jaehyun picked up the transmitter, and tried to calm down his labored breathing. They looked at each other.  
  
“I think we need to go” Jaehyun whispered. Taeyong nodded, still unable to speak.  
  
“You go first, we can’t arrive at the same time looking like this”  
  
Taeyong nodded again, and stumbled past Jaehyun who was trying to fix his shirt. He ran quickly and light-footed behind the curtains to the door they came from earlier. Luckily, the hallway was once again empty. His lips were aching in sync with the throbbing in his groin, so he had to sneak into a toilet to calm himself down before joining the others. He locked the door behind him and exhaled thoroughly. He looked at himself in the mirror; lips red and swollen, eyeliner smudges out. He washed his face with cold water before assuring that he looked decent enough to join the rest of his friends.  
  
  
  
Jaehyun hadn’t joined them yet when he entered the dressing room. Half of the boys had already showered; some were drinking some beers and eating chips.  
  
“Hyyyyuuuung, where have you been, we’ve been waitiiinggggg” Donghyuck called out loudly.  
  
“Sorry Haechannie, there were some…. mic… issues” he answered, relieved that his voice came out kind of steady again.   
  
“Hope it’s okay if you shower back home so we can get going soon. Weren’t Jaehyunnie with you?” Johnny said.  
  
Taeyong’s mind rallied to come up with something to say. Luckily he didn’t have to, when he felt a hand on his back. It was indeed Jaehyun.  
  
“I’m here Johnny Hyung, there was something wrong with the transmitter. I’m so hungry though I could die, hope we can leave asap!” He said with his dimples shining in all their glory.  
  
Jaehyun looked neat and complete again, if it weren’t for his bitten lips. Taeyong felt Jaehyun giving him a light pat on his bum before walking up to his stuff. Taeyong swallowed. That’s so not allowed, not anymore, not in these circumstances.  He hoped that the blush that once again was creeping up his cheeks wouldn’t show too much.

 

 

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ///////// hhhhhhhhhhnggg smutty obviously inspired by lots of other fanfictions i've ever read ///////////

“Oh hell no” Taeyong muttered for himself with his toothbrush in his mouth the next morning. He spat and rinsed his mouth with water, before stepping closer to the mirror. He had an ugly, red bruise on his neck, awkwardly placed so it couldn’t be hidden with a plain shirt. Oh god, lucky they weren’t supposed to appear publicly today. He quickly fetched his makeup bag, and tried to conceal it both foundation and a cover stick. It didn’t blend in well though, and he didn’t want to put cover his whole neck and face with it this early in the morning. He ended up tip-toeing to his wardrobe (not wanting to wake up Johnny) and got out a high necked jumper. Luckily it’s cold outside... He had to borrow a thinner turtle necked jumper for practice though – he could probably take one of Jaehyun’s, they had been sharing clothes for ages anyway. Two friends sharing clothes, he thought, that’s not weird, right?

The day started badly, but ended even worse. Poor Donghyuck slipped and twisted his leg during practice, fracturing his shin bone. The usually gleeful maknae was whimpering in pain when Johnny carried him from the dance studio down to the entrance of the building. One of their managers arrived quickly, and ordered them to bring Donghyuck to his car so he could drive him to the emergency. Taeyong seated himself next to the crying boy in the car.  
“You can’t come with us, they will recognize you at the hospital”, the manager told him.  
“Well they’re going to recognize Haechannie too, so what does it matter? I’m responsible for him so I’m going” Taeyong said fiercely. Donghyuck grabbed Taeyong’s arm and cried softly against it. The other boys were gathering around the car, chattering nervously. Jaehyun opened the door and asked if he should come with them to the hospital. The worry made his handsome face look a lot older.  
“No, you stay here. Mark, get in, you’ll come with us”. Mark got startled but jumped in the car. The manager sighed, but didn’t question their angry leader anymore.  
Donghyuck’s injury really brought the mood down for everyone. They would have needed that fucking holiday a little earlier, Taeyong thought.  
“I seriously hope it wasn’t because of overtraining… The company would get into a lot of trouble if that’s the case, and it would affect us negatively…” Taeil said.  
“If that’s the case they deserve it, I don’t want to work for a company that forces their employees to work so hard they get injured” Doyoung said angrily.  
“Shut up, we don’t want you to get fired” Yuta snapped. Taeil sighed and shook his head. At least someone of them was getting a well-deserved rest, even though it was kind of forced upon them. 

The company tried to cheer them (mostly their fans, though) up with a make-over. Taeyong was glad to get rid of his high maintenance mullet, but would have preferred to dye his hair in a darker, more natural color like pretty much everyone else. He sighed when he saw his reflection in the mirror; apparently he was going to be the “that red haired guy from NCT” trending on twitter once again. Soon enough half of the staff wanted to come and touch his newly dyed, screamingly red hair, and he immediately got the take role as their very own Santa Claus. Merry fucking Christmas to you too, he thought when he stared at his own reflection. 

 

With Donghyuck injured, the practices turned out to be quite stressful. Their incoming performances with the whole squad of NCT 2018 made them all somewhat nervous, and Taeyong didn’t have time to think about what Jaehyun’s looks or comforting touches did or didn’t mean. Neither one of them had mentioned the event that happened after that one show behind the stage, but Taeyong interpreted that Jaehyun weren’t really keen on taking up the subject. He was just his usual gleeful himself, being completely normal around Taeyong. That pissed him off a little , because Taeyong himself had to struggle to act normal when Jaehyun was in his close proximity. He knew that he couldn’t show affection openly with the others around, but at least he could send him a text? Or did he not want to talk to the guys he had dated on his freetime? Whatever the case was, he would analyze his junior’s behavior later, but not now, not when Donghyuck was injured. The show was way more important.  
He was pleased to see Ten though. Ten joined them again for SBS Gayodaejun and KBS music festival, which meant that he got to spend some more time than usual with him. He didn’t want to cling to Jaehyun too much anyway, and he really needed someone to cling to in these stressful times. Before that, they all held a VLIVE together on Christmas eve to send their fans a greeting. Taeyong noticed that Ten had placed himself between him and Jaehyun, so he decided to be a little mischievous and test how Jaehyun would react to him being touchy feely with Ten instead of him. He didn’t mind hugging the Thai boy anyway; he did love him after all, even if the nature of his love was a little twisted. He whispered “I missed you so much” into Ten’s ear, and hugged him from behind. Ten laughed and squirmed out of his grip. Jaehyun looked at them with an almost neutral expression, only the slightest hint of annoyance showing on his lips. Ten faked being harassed against his will, and Taeyong gave him a light peck on his neck. He saw Jaehyun tense up, but that smug youngster didn’t look at them. Feigned ignorance, sure, he could just have turned green with envy straight away, Taeyong thought being secretly pleased. He let go of Ten, who snickered for himself over the sudden show of affection broadcasted for the whole world to see. 

 

Later the same night, he was sitting together with Ten and his room, drinking beer. A few of them were watching some American Christmas concert from the TV downstairs. Some were on skype with their families. He didn’t know where Jaehyun was, and he didn’t really want to care, because he had an equally good friend next to him. He had decided not to approach him romantically in any way before Jaehyun had made at least some kind of effort in showing him that he was interested in continuing this thing (whatever it was) they had going on. He wasn’t angry at him, nothing like that, but he just thought that it was too risky to continue on something that might end up being one-sided. He woke up from his thoughts when Ten complained about everyone being so damned gloomy on Christmas. 

“I mean, where’s the fucking party at” he said and took a sip of his drink.  
Taeyong mumbled something about issues with work morale after Donghyuck’s injury, how things weren’t really fun without him. And then there was Mark graduating from Dream and… 

“Come on, they’re not dead, Haechannie will be back causing troubles in no time” He said with a smile. Taeyong nodded, of course he was right. 

“What’s up with your hair though, did you set it on fire accidentally” 

“Remember those superhot dudes from Baby don’t stop? I’m the ghost from that specific past” Taeyong sighed. Ten ruffled his newly dyed hair and complained about how he looked like a walking warning sign. It wasn’t like his unearthly looks grabbed enough attention already. 

“You know they’re whoring your poor pretty face out so hard” Ten said, put his beer away and leaned his head against Taeyong’s shoulder. 

“I know” He answered, knowing he was talking about the company. Ten pouted and awww’d, before turning to face his Hyung. 

“Is everything alright? You’re super absent. Have they taken your phone away and stopped giving you food? Is someone being mean to you again?” 

He shook his head and laughed gently. He threw his arms over Tens slender shoulders and hugged him tight. 

“I’m fine. I’m just happy that you’re here at least”

Ten smiled widely against his cheek before giving it a kiss. Then he pulled back, smiled widely with both his eyes and his mouth, before kissing Taeyong shamelessly on the mouth. 

“You know, you’re still so isolated inside your own bubble” He said. 

Taeyong looked past Ten’s shoulder and stared at the door.  
“I know” 

Ten gripped his chin, and turned his face to look at him again. Then he leaned in and kissed him again, this time with more intention. A comforting kiss, a smiling kiss that he was familiar with. Taeyong let him kiss him, it did feel pretty nice after all. Ten broke it though and looked him into his eyes. 

“If you don’t want to feel lonely tonight I could help. We could go somewhere. No-one would know” he said.  
Oh. Oh, that’s the words he would like to hear, but not from Ten, not this time. Taeyong pulled away a little and smiled apologetically. Then he kissed the corner of Ten’s mouth gently. 

“No, It’s not… No, thank you but no”. 

Ten pouted jokingly at the response before grabbing his drink again. 

“It’s totally fine, don’t worry. I thought that you might have ended up becoming someone else’s slut” Ten said sarcastically, raising an eyebrow at Taeyong. 

“Dude, that’s really mean” Taeyong answered gleefully and punched Ten lightly in his shoulder. 

“Who is he?” 

“Even if there was somebody, how would you know it’s a he?” 

“Have you seen yourself in a mirror?” 

Taeyong burst out laughing hard.  
“If you go swimming kids will think you’re the gay Ariel” Ten continued while Taeyong laughed his heart out on the bed, spilling beer on the floor. 

 

Their performance went surprisingly well considering the lack of one crucial vocalist. Some of their tensions went away, lifting the spirit to almost normal levels in the dressing room after the show.  
Taeyong was cheering with the Dreamies, when Jaehyun came and tapped on his shoulder. “Yes?” He said before realizing who it was. 

The Dreamies were so occupied with themselves so Jaehyun had no trouble dragging Taeyong to the side. He grabbed him by his elbow and turned his back against the rest of the group. 

“Hyung, are you free tonight?” He asked casually. When Taeyong didn’t answer directly, he chuckled and showed off his adorable dimples. 

“Maybe?” He answered nonchalantly, crossing his arms. 

“I haven’t got a Christmas present from you yet” He said in a low, murmuring voice, stepping closer. Taeyong tensed up, feeling uncomfortable listening to Jaehyun talking in that tone in this place. 

“You want me wrapped up and delivered to your and if I remember correctly, Haechannies room?”  
Jaehyun snickered, smiled widely and shrugged his shoulders. It took a moment for Taeyong to comprehend what he just said. Haechannie… Donghyuck, the poor child was indeed sharing his room with Jaehyun, except for now since he were back home recovering from his injury. Oh, OH. 

“Or are you gonna go out with Ten?” 

”How so, you wanna join?”

”You were all cute and lovey-dovey yesterday during VLIVE, I thought, maybe he’s taking you out for a Christmas date to some sleazy restaurant and then get a room at a hotel” Jaehyun whispered, sounding pretty sore.  
Taeyong’s heart almost stopped when hearing that comment. How much does he know, really, or is he just exaggerating to make him angry? He couldn’t know about them, no, otherwise he would have taken it up earlier for the sake of the whole group. But apparently Taeyong’s attempt to make him envious had worked, since the usually sweet boy in front of him was anything but happy about his flirting with the Thai boy. He kind of regretted doing it now, though, hoping there would be no actual consequences. 

”You jealous?”

“No”. Jaehyun frowned and rolled his eyes. 

“Stop acting like a child, then”, Taeyong said and crossed his arms. Jaehyun sighed and went silent for a moment, looking down at his own feet. 

“Damn Yongie, you’re so depressing now-a-days” he said slowly, putting his hands in his pockets. 

When did he become this cocky?  
“Jaehyun, don’t talk to me in that tone, I’m older than you and if I remember correctly, also in charge of running this daycare of a group. Man up” Taeyong said sharply.

The comment obviously made an impact on Jaehyun, who softened his face and looked back up at the older one, with a somewhat pitiful expression. His sudden brashness couldn’t overshadow the kindness in his eyes, which spoke “Sorry” in a thousand different languages except the one his mouth would use. Taeyong couldn’t help himself but smile, letting his eyes speak that it was okay, really. Jaehyun nodded, and smiled apologetically. 

Taeyong was already turning around to walk away, but something stopped him, and he looked back at Jaehyun. 

“I’m not going out with Ten tonight” Taeyong said quietly, curious to see the other one’s reaction. Jaehyun looked back down at his feet, and chuckled softly. Then he took a step closer and leaned in close to Taeyong’s ear. 

“What would it take for me to get a fire burning in my room tonight” he whispered sensually. 

“This fire is gonna put himself out with some wine, classical music and deep reflection on life tonight” Taeyong answered with a mellow voice. 

“Come oooon” Jaehyun sighed. 

“Then forget about it, baby” Taeyong said with a confident smile, and walked away to join the others. 

 

 

The boys had a nice family dinner together, since they couldn’t spend their Christmas together with their actual families. They called Donghyuck again, and it was good to hear what he was doing well back home - His Mother was treating him like a prince, feeding him with the most marvelous home cooked meals he could think of. Jungwoo got a little sad when talking about home, so they changed the subject to avoid any tears on this joyful evening.  
Winwin was excitingly talking about his coming debut in China, leaving Yuta half-jokingly, half-sincerely weeping over being left alone while Winwin was having the time of his life back in China. He cheered up a little when Winwin promised to join them on the trip to the Philippines. 

After talking to his sister on the phone (thanking her for his present and vice versa) Taeyong went to bed, feeling pleased with his day. He couldn’t really sleep though. He tried to play some monotonous games on his phone, he tried to read some news, changing exciting articles to boring ones, he got up and walked around the dorm a bit, he drank tea, but he still ended up rolling in his bed, thinking, thinking, about what Jaehyun said, but Jaehyun did, what Jaehyun really meant. About what he really, truly wanted. Taeyong couldn’t place a finger on what Jaehyun really wanted, but he felt quite strongly that they didn’t necessarily share the same image about their ideal relationship. Relationship-thing, thingy. Complicated-as-fuck-friendship.  
He thought about their brief discussion in the dressing room today. He’d got that feeling that Jaehyun wasn’t really into him the way Taeyong had hoped. Gosh, why can’t guys be interested in his personality as much as they’re interested in his body? He would have loved to spend this night alone with Jaehyun, talking about this and that, laughing together, just adoring each other, enjoying each other - a little like the bond he and Ten shares, but with feelings beyond their close friendship. But Jaehyun’s probably not yet brave enough to commit to a relationship of that kind – or then he’s just not interested in it. Taeyong didn’t know which one it was.  
The one thing he had for sure was that Jaehyun wouldn’t say no to his physical desires. Obviously Jaehyun awoke a lot of lust in him – he had almost lost it that one night behind the stage. He had been ready to risk everything just to get more of the man that was kissing him more passionately than anyone ever had. All about Jaehyun was dripping sex; the way he danced, the way he moved, the way his clothes fitted his body, his deep, smooth voice and that beyond handsome face – the way he gently let his fingers touch Taeyong whenever they had the chance, the way he gazed at him intensively under those dark brown bangs. Of course Taeyong wanted him. He wanted him in all the ways it was possible to want someone, but more than that he wanted Jaehyun to feel the same way about him.  
His own almost perfect features were both his blessing and his curse – getting all kinds of people to want him, but not necessarily making them interested in knowing who the boy behind that angelic face really is. Taeyong rolled to his other side for the hundredth time that night. He tried to stop himself from thinking by focusing on Johnny’s snoring, but it just made him even more frustrated. In the end he got up and left the room again. He was too tired to reason with himself, so he just thought what the hell, let’s do it his way.  
He knocked silently on Jaehyun’s and Donghyuck’s door. When Jaehyun didn’t come to open it, he knocked a little louder. He waited for a while before sitting down on the floor with his back against the wall, weighing his options. A few minutes went and he almost fell like dozing off. Then he heard the door opening, and his whole body got tense. Jaehyun looked somewhat surprised to see him, rubbing his eyes with one arm. He was dressed in a white t-shirt, accentuating his toned body, and with a pair of loose grey sweatpants hanging low on his hips. Taeyong’s eyes got stuck on the bit of light skin peeping out between his t-shirt and his trousers. Taeyong himself was wearing a loose, baggy t-shirt and short shorts that made him feel a bit naked under the scrutiny of Jaehyun’s sleepy eyes. He hugged his own knees tightly. Jaehyun broke into a dimpled smile, and reached his arm against Taeyong. The smaller boy grabbed his hand and was quickly pulled up to stand on his feet again. Jaehyun put his arms around the small of Taeyong’s back, and pulled him closer. 

“Have you come to a conclusion about the meaning of life yet?” he whispered in his ear. 

The warm breath on his skin made Taeyong shiver like crazy. He shook his head, pulled back at looked at Jaehyun’s face in the dark hallway. Noiselessly he leant in and kissed his lips gently, cupping his face with both hands. Jaehyun inhaled via his nose and pulled him closer still, ‘til Taeyong could feel the cloth of his pants against his bare lower thighs.

Jaehyun broke the kiss and looked Taeyong in the eyes. His eyes went back down to his lips when he pushed the smaller boy backwards into the wall opposite his door. Taeyong felt the wall hitting hard against his bony shoulder blades, so he let go of Jaehyun’s face and extended them over his shoulders. Jaehyun hovered over Taeyong’s exposed neck, breathing in his scent. 

“It’s dark, but I can still see that you’re more beautiful than anything else in this pretty world” he murmured in his neck. 

Taeyong held his breath, waiting patiently for those lips to touch his skin. Jaehyun finally laid his lips on his neck in a feather light kiss. It tickled, but in a nice, pleasurable way. He moved away to another spot and kissed it gently. And a third spot, this time with more hunger. His lips were burning on Taeyong’s skin, like glowing hot metal, leaving invisible burnt wounds on the path they made. The fourth kiss he placed on Taeyong’s sharp jawbone, making him accidentally let out a moan. Jaehyun removed his lips, giggled, and placed a hand over Taeyong’s mouth. He then kissed his neck hungrily two more times, scraping his pale skin teasingly with his teeth.  
Taeyong breathed hard through his nose, suddenly getting aware of the fact that they were still in the hallway. Jaehyun sensed him getting tense, and he backed off. He smiled charmingly, turned around and walked back into his room. He ruffled his hair, and the way the movement made the muscles in his arm flex made Taeyong’s knees weak. He had to get more of that man. More, more, until he couldn’t take anymore.  
He followed him in to his and Donghyuck’s room. He closed the door as silently as he could, and walked straight up to Jaehyun, who was waiting a few steps ahead. Taeyong couldn’t wait, he couldn’t, and he rushed up to Jaehyun, grabbing his smooth curls and pulling his head down for a rough kiss. Without asking, without hinting anything, he kissed him hard on Jaehyun’s open, still surprised mouth. He saw the chance to slip his tongue in, and began to explore Jaehyun’s mouth hungrily. The other boy followed immediately, pulling him close and relaxing into Taeyong’s kiss. The kiss was wet and it was messy, and he loved every bit of it. He pulled a little more on his hair, making Jaehyun groan and tightening his grip around his waist. 

“God you’re so tiny” he breathed when their lips parted for a second. Taeyong bit Jaehyun’s lower lip in response and sucked on it gently afterwards as a remedy. Jaehyun made a highly pleased sound again which made Taeyong burn even hotter inside. Was it really happening? They were finally alone, completely alone, in a locked room with hours ‘til sunrise. He had dreamt of this moment many times only to find himself waking up with a boner and feeling extremely embarrassed the way a teen would. Ironically, it wasn’t even what he originally had wanted to do with Jaehyun this evening, but there was no turning back now and he wouldn’t want to do that for anything in the world. He could feel the warmth forming in his lower abdomen, how his blood rushed from his head and everywhere down, down. Jaehyun angled his face and took over the kissing, disturbing the other one’s breathing again. His hands let go of his waist, and went under the loose t-shirt, feeling the warmth of Taeyong’s sides under his hands. He started slowly rubbing his sides and his waist, as if he could make him feel any hotter. Taeyong wanted to feel Jaehyun too, so he quickly pushed his hands in between them against his chest. He felt Jaehyun’s well-toned chest under the cloth, and the curves of his pecs made his mouth fall open, breaking the kiss. 

“Take it off” he said, breathing hard. Jaehyun looked curiously at him, tilting his head a little. 

“Hmm?”

“Take the fucking t-shirt off” Taeyong repeated, louder. Jaehyun obeyed, and pulled his t-shirt over his head. The heat of their kissing had made both of them sweaty, making Jaehyun’s chest and accentuated abs glisten in the dim lighting of the room. Taeyong just looked at him in awe, raising his palms up to lie against the younger boy’s chest. 

“You’ve seen me shirtless countless times before” Jaehyun said, amused. 

“Not like this” Taeyong whispered, looking back up at Jaehyun’s face. His eyes shifted soon back to his lips, and Jaehyun saw it as a sign to lean back in, kissing him deeply. Taeyong went absolutely mad from the musky scent of Jaehyun’s skin and the sensation of lean muscle against his palms. His throbbing erection was strained against his short shorts, eagerly waiting for some well-deserved nearness. His flesh was almost hurting from all the blood rushing to it - it was quite some time since he last let himself have a release alone in the shower. He hoped that Jaehyun was hurting as much as him.  
Jaehyun suddenly grabbed his hips and hoisted him up, supporting his thighs with his arms. The sudden movement forced a whimper out of the smaller boy. Jaehyun moved him up to sit on his desk, and Taeyong wrapped his thin legs around Jaehyun’s hips in response. 

“You’re so pretty Santa couldn’t put gift wrapping paper on you” Jaeuhyn said, smiling sweetly. 

“Oh god you know I don’t do cringe” Taeyong said blushingly and hid his face in his hands.

“Have you always been this small and cute?” He whispered against his skin while grabbing Taeyong’s wrists to pull them down from his face. 

“Yes but recently you’ve been complaining an awful lot about it” Taeyong answered with a pout. Then he leaned forward against Jaehyun’s ear, taking his earlobe briefly in his mouth. 

“I like it” He breathed. “You’re really sexy, Hyung” he said, and dragged the loose t-shirt over Taeyong’s left shoulder. He kissed the smooth skin roughly, leaving a mark that Taeyong would have to remember to hide the next day. Then he got tired of the t-shirt altogether, and pulled it over Taeyong’s head with a swift motion. His eyes wandered down Taeyong’s naked upper body while fumbling with the older boy’s necklace in his hand. Before he got the chance to make a move, Taeyong bowed down to kiss a trail from his collarbone to his nipple. It surprised Jaehyun, who gasped and grabbed a handful of Taeyong’s red hair in his other hand. Taeyong teased him a while by licking circles around his nipple, but got soon impatient himself and switched to sucking gently on the pink skin. Jaehyun breathed heavily and played with the red, bleach-damaged hair in his hands. He pulled his hair just the right amount to earn a slight bite from Taeyong on his sensitive skin. Ten hadn’t liked that when he once tried, Taeyong thought for himself when Jaehyun moaned from pleasure above his head. He kept playing with his tongue until he felt Jaehyun quiver, pulled away and kissed his neck instead. He opened his eyes to look down, and saw a substantial bulging in Jaehyun’s sweatpants. He smiled against Jaehyun’s neck and tried to contain his excitement – he still didn’t know what Jaehyun was comfortable doing.  
It was like Jaehyun read his mind when he lowered one of his hands to rest on the waistband of Taeyong’s shorts. When his hand didn’t get pushed away (well, why would it, really…) he lowered it an inch and cupped the older boy’s hardness through his shorts. The touch shot blazing fire up Taeyong’s stomach, and he couldn’t help but exhale loudly. Jaehyun smiled at the reaction. 

“Let me… “ He said almost inaudible. 

“Please” Taeyong answered before the other could finish his sentence. He then kissed him delicately on the mouth, pulled away and whispered “Please, Jae” one more time. 

Jaehyun chuckled and kissed him back, while he fumbled with the waistband. Then he slowly let his long fingers find their way under the waistband, feeling soft, scarce hair and soon enough, throbbing flesh. Extremely hesitantly he let his fingers wander further down until he could grasp Taeyong’s length. Even through his own pleasure he could feel the younger being nervous, which actually surprised him. He had been acting so awfully presumptuous lately, that he never thought his confidence would crumble in this situation. Taeyong had actually thought that he would be the less experienced part in this game, at least based on how confidently Jaehyun carries himself.  
Eventually he started stroking him in a slow pace, earning a high pitched moan from Taeyong’s lips. His hands felt so good, they really did – Taeyong couldn’t remember when anyone else’s (or his own) hands had felt this good on his body. It was the perfect fit – He felt like a rich brat with a custom made toy. The nervousness lingered on his fingertips, but curiously enough it made the whole thing feel ever more intoxicating. The chaste touches provoked him in a positive way, since he really didn’t expect Jaehyun to show signs of ineptness. Was he really going to have the upper hand tonight after all? 

“Look at me” Taeyong murmured.  
Jaehyun lifted his gaze to look Taeyong in the eyes. Taeyong could feel his eyes emitting wanting, and he stared alluringly at the younger boy. After a little hesitation, Jaehyun continued stroking him while keeping eye contact with Taeyong. He squeezed his hand a little harder around the redheads erection, which caused his breath to hitch. He scrunched his face before kissing Jaehyun slowly on the corner of his mouth. He realized that Jaehyun’s cheeks and ears were bright red – he wasn’t embarrassed or anything? For e fleeting moment his mind wandered to the fear of Jaehyun thinking this is wrong; Being in the same group, risking the success of NCT as a whole. Dating anyone at all was forbidden. They were not supposed to, they were not allowed to - but it sure couldn’t be wrong, not when it felt this good. His job now was to make sure to Jaehyun that he’d made the right thing. He wanted to make sure that Jaehyun would never ever regret laying his eyes on Lee Taeyong. 

Jaehyun’s pace had gotten faster together with Taeyong’s labored breathing. His hand was slick with pre-cum, and Taeyong would probably easily have reached his top in no time if Jaehyun had been allowed to continue; Taeyong gave him a fast, sloppy kiss and then bit his earlobe.

“Wait”

Jaehyun stilled his hand, and looked at him with a confused expression. The older boy drew his hand through his sweaty hair, before pushing Jaehyun back with the other hand on his chest. Jaehyun looked slightly frightened, probably afraid of being turned down. Taeyong smiled and jumped down from the desk, kicking away his shorts that had already fallen on the floor. Jaehyun used the time to scan Taeyong’s now completely naked body from top to toe. His eyes stayed a millisecond longer on Taeyong’s dripping manhood before wandering back up to his face. Taeyong walked up to him and embraced him, kissing his jawline. A short, short stubble tickled Taeyong’s lips when he kissed him, a reminder of that the boy he’d trained with for years was in fact a fully grown-up man. 

“Did I already say that you’re stunning?” He said with a shaky voice. 

“I believe so” Taeyong murmured against his neck. He placed kisses on his collarbone, trailing down to his chest. Then he fell to his knees gracefully, and grasped Jaehyun’s hips. He kissed his stomach, and moved slowly down the thin strip of hair that continued down from Jaehyun’s navel. Jaehyun’s breath got caught in his throat, and Taeyong looked up at the boy’s reaction.  
“Shit, Hyung” he groaned and grasped two fistfuls of Taeyong’s hair.  
He took it as an allowance, and pulled down Jaehyun’s sweatpants. After quite a lot of resistance Jaehyun’s cock sprang up from under beneath his pants.  
Taeyong swallowed. 

He was big. Both longer and way thicker than both himself and, and, well.  
How is he going to…  
He almost let a word of awe slip through his lips, but he managed to silenced himself. With both of his hands still on Jaehyun’s hips, he leaned forward and kissed the tip of his penis once. The he released one hand and cautiously grabbed the shaft of it. He then started to kiss the shaft and slowly moved up against the tip again. He noticed that Jaehyun was still holding his breath, and it amused him a little. When he was back at the tip he stuck his tongue out and licked the underside of it. It tasted salt of pre-cum, a nice almost oceanic taste – Jaehyun tasted like the sea, he tasted like the man he was destined to love.  
Jaehyun tried, but failed miserably, to keep in a groan when Taeyong finally took the tip into his mouth. He had to concentrate, adjusting his jaws to the new width. When he was comfortable enough, he started pushing the cock deeper into his mouth. Jaehyun gasped and pulled at Taeyong’s hair, making him go even deeper. Taeyong soon found a nice rhythm together with Jaehyun’s hands in his hair. It felt so hot - not being able to speak. Being guided by Jaehyun’s hands - Swallowing more of the man in front of him. He hoped Jaehyun loved it as much as he did. With his cock deep in his mouth he looked up at Jaehyun. He caught his eyes when Jaehyun a few seconds later looked down himself. Jaehyun’s hips and hands stilled. 

“Oh my god” He said, stroking the older boys red bangs away from his sweaty forehead. Taeyong raised one eyebrow, questioning. 

“I don’t think my eyes were ready for this sight” he said shakenly, reaching out to touch his cheek.  
Taeyong closed his eyes and sucked hard on the cock in his mouth. This was something he knew he was good at – and he knew he looked sinfully good with his big eyes and long lashes from this angle. The sad truth was that he would probably be able to make a living out of his – whoring his face out, like Ten had said. He pushed the thought away and decided to just be grateful for the good life he had been blessed with. And for the wonderful people he had in it – including this man he was trying his best to please. He wanted to be so good to him. So, so good, he thought, and squeezed with his hand a little harder. Jaehyun pulled his hair again, forcing him to angle his face a little upwards. The wet noises his lips were making turned himself on even more, and he forced his lips further down the shaft. He had to relax his throat, afraid he would soon start to gag. He didn’t though, so he started to move again. He moved his hand down from Jaehyun’s hip to caress his ass, and he was pleasantly surprised to find it nicely shaped and toned. No wonder all his clothes looked so attractive on him. With his arm in a more comfortable position he could start to bob his head even faster. Jaehyun had to support himself with one hand on the desk while breathing loud and unevenly.

“Hyung, you’re fucking me up, you’re … I can’t believe it” He whimpered incoherently, pulling Taeyong even closer by the back of his neck. Taeyong could feel his neck hurting again from the slightly uncomfortable angle, but it didn’t matter, because he wanted to do everything in his power to make him see the stars. It didn’t take many minutes before Taeyong could feel how Jaehyun’s cock was starting to throb more violently in his mouth. He must have been so fucking horny for far too long, Taeyong thought. 

“Yongie-hyung… I’m gonna…” He whimpered. Hearing his own name being uttered by those lustful red lips got his heart to beat faster. In that very moment he felt extremely privileged.  
Taeyong gave him one last hard suck and backed off. He wanted to watch Jaehyun come. He wanted to see the beauty coming undone. With one hand he continued to stroke him vigorously and kissed his thigh quickly, before straightening his back to watch Jaehyun’s strained face.  
“Come on me” Taeyong said quietly and gave him a few more hard, hard strokes.  
“Hyu…” Jaehyun screw his eye’s shut. Then, with a grunt, he came over Taeyong’s chest. Taeyong continued to stroke him through his orgasm until the last drop of warm cum had spilled over the older boy’s body. 

“Fuck you’re hot when you come” Taeyong hissed , looking up at the other one with heavy lidded eyes. He had seen Jaehyun almost every day for many, many years now, seen him laugh and cry and love and suffer in all kinds of situations. But never like this. He had never seen him this sublime. And the best of all, it didn’t feel like fucking a fuckbuddy - this felt completely new and exclusive. 

Jaehyun stumbled backwards and sat down on his bed, breathing heavily, still not able to talk. Taeyong dried his mouth his arm and reached out for his t-shirt to dry himself off with – he’ll have to wash it in the morning, obviously. Then he jumped off from the floor and walked over to Jaehyun’s bed. Now it was his turn to grab Jaehyun’s hair. He pulled his head up. 

“Look at me, Jaehyunnie” 

Now familiar to that sultry tone of voice from his friend, he looked up at Taeyong. Taeyong stroked his cheek and snickered. Then he stepped light as a feather up on the edge of the bed and sat down in Jaehyun’s lap, crossing his legs behind the younger boy. He leant in until Jaehyun understood to meet his lips.  
They shared a slow, passionate kiss, letting their tongues dance with each other in harmony. When he thought he’d been romantic enough (pretty soon) Taeyong started to grind his body against Jaehyun’s. His own cock was still erect, and he made sure that he poked Jaehyun with it deliberately. He wasn’t done, far from. Taeyong moaned and looked up at the ceiling, exposing his slim neck for Jaehyun’s once again hungry mouth. He didn’t care anymore if he had love bites all over his body - he just wanted to be Jaehyun’s and in the heat of the moment he didn’t care if the whole world knew. He felt sharp teeth and sucking lips against his skin, grabbing Jaehyun’s hair once again. 

He soon felt the younger boy’s cock poking at his thigh. So eager so soon, he thought to himself and bit own lips in excitement. He had to make sure, though. 

“Tae-”  
“This ain’t your first time, right?” Taeyong interrupted him softly. He apparently caught the younger boy off-guard. 

“What? Oh, Oh no of course not, but… I’ve…” he swallowed. Taeyong waited for him to finish. 

“I’ve only been with girls, I’ve told you about it, remember? But, like… like this…not like this” 

Yes, he remembers. He remembered hating that one poor girl even though he never met her during their years as trainees. He was ashamed of himself for thinking like that back then. 

“Don’t take me wrong, I’ve wanted to…”

“That’s good enough” He said, cutting off Jaehyun’s awkward explanation. Jaehyun looked relieved, and smiled hesitantly. His dimples showed though, and that was quite enough for Taeyong. He took a deep breath. 

“Now, Jaehyun, I want you to fuck me” Taeyong said simply. He saw Jaehyun’s eyes widen, and his ears got even redder than before. A moment of silence passed.  
It was broken by Taeyong’s surprised whimper, when Jaehyun suddenty grabbed his pale wrists and turned him over in some swift movements on the bed with his back down. He pinned Taeyong’s wrist down next to his head, and stared into the dark eyes of his senior. Taeyong got to take a few breath’s before Jaehyun leaned down to kiss the air out of him again.  
Jaehyun kissed wildly, almost ferociously, but managed to keep his tongue soft against Taeyong’s own. Taeyong tried to lift his hands against Jaehyun’s grip but he couldn’t.  
The restriction just fed his lust, and he moaned against Jaehyun’s mouth. He had long been fantasizing about Jaehyun taking him in his control, showing him who’s the real boss of the dorm. During sleepless nights he had pictured Jaehyun taking him on the kitchen counter, behind the stage, in the studio – those fantasies had later come to good use behind locked doors.  
The man in his dreams was here now; above him, kissing him like his life depended on it, keeping him roughly in his grip. Taeyong started to picture similar scenarios from his fantasies, and wondered if the real Jaehyun also liked it rough and controlling. He couldn’t demand more now, though. Not the first time, neither the second time, but maybe, just maybe the third time.  
If there was going to be a third time, that is. To be fair, he was quite anxious about the things to come. He had always (except that one time when it was just awkward for both of them) been the top when having sex with Ten. He wasn’t even sure if he would like to be the receiving part. But come what may, it was still his body that had quivered of excitement when he saw the bulge in Jaehyun’s pants. He still wanted this, badly.  
Jaehyun lowered his body, and the heaviness of his body alone against his own was enough to make Taeyong groan. He grinded down, down, hard; increasing the friction and pressure. Taeyong intuitively spread his thighs so that Jaehyun’s hips would have more space and access to his own groin. He could feel Jaehyun’s heavy member hitting his own, and he had to dig his nails into his palm to prevent from reaching his climax way too early just from this foretaste.  
Jaehyun let go off Taeyong’s wrists to cup his face, kissing him more, and more, and more. The older grabbed the other one’s hips and pulled his body closer, making them both gasp into their kiss. Taeyong tensed up though when he felt Jaehyun’s member dangerously near his entrance. The poor boy is freaking nervous and a rookie, he reminded himself. He broke the kiss.

“You sure you want to do this?” He asked the younger one. 

Jaehyun was breathing heavily, but leaned down to whisper “yes” hotly into Taeyong’s ear, grinding down harder. 

“You know I’ll need some lube” he whispered back as kindly as he could. Jaehyun got tense and hoisted himself up on his arms. Before he got to open his mouth and start apologizing or explaining or rambling or whatever, Taeyong raised a finger to his mouth to shush him. 

“I need you now, please hurry up, dear” He murmured. 

Jaehyun reached over to his cupboard and searched quickly through one of the drawers. He eventually found what he was looking for, and lubed himself up while Taeyong patiently watched. He looked at Jaehyun’s thick member and mouthed a curse word silently for himself. This was going to be a hell of a ride. 

Soon enough Jaehyun was ready and turned to look at Taeyong’s face again. He placed himself between his legs with a weird mix of both elation and uneasiness expressed between his brows. He supported himself on one elbow and kissed Taeyong’s collarbone delicately. The other hand went down between them. Taeyong could feel his heartbeat racing – or maybe it was his own, he couldn’t tell. Jaehyun stroked his pounding erection a few times before carefully finding the way to the older boy’s entrance with his fingers. Taeyong shivered by the light touch, anticipating for what was to come. He wasn’t sure if Jaehyun had done this with girls before, so he just silently wished that he’d understand to take it easy. 

Soon enough, he felt an index finger being gently pushed up. He remembered the weird feeling of being penetrated by something that didn’t belong there, so he focused on breathing calmly. The weirdness soon turned into a strangely pleasant feeling, and he began to moan calmy when Jaehyun moved his finger. He raised his own hand to stroke Jaehyun over his still perfectly smooth curls. The younger boy was watching him intensely, looking for a reaction. Taeyong exaggerated his next moan and bit his lips, closing his eyes again. It was a good enough sign for Jaehyun to understand to move on. He gently pushed in a second finger, which once again produced a curious feel of unnatural fullness, however still painless thanks to the slick, lubed surface.  
“Taeyong, damn” Jaehyun breathed, not bothering with honorifics. He was slowly moving his two fingers back and forth, the pleasurable sensation shooting like lightning all the way up to Taeyong’s chest. Taeyong moaned once, and opened his eyes. Jaehyun’s muscles were tense, glistening of sweat and desires. Taeyong had always been weak for his body (still ashamed about how he let a comment regarding the younger boy’s “sexy white body” slip during a broadcasted interview two years ago) but he never imagined him being this dripping hot beneath his flattering stage clothing. He stroked him over his cheek and over his lips and popped a teasing finger into his mouth. Jaehyun’s perfectly full lips were totally irresistible now in their blood-colored swelled up state. To his delight, the younger boy sucked on his finger eagerly, humming contently himself. 

“More” Taeyong demanded breathily, and retracted his finger. 

Jaehyun leaned down to kiss his cheek, before pulling his fingers back only to slowly, slowly push three fingers against his entrance. With a little resistance they finally slipped inside. This time Taeyong felt discomfort and that burn he remembered feeling the last time he had been penetrated properly. He bit his teeth together and exhaled, and soon enough the burning began to change into thrilling, raw pleasure. 

“You okay?” He asked nervously. 

“Always” Taeyong groaned, and stroke Jaehyun’s cheek again. He felt Jaehyun relax a little, and he too tried his best to relax all of his muscles down below. He didn’t notice when Jaehyun had started moving again, but realized his breathing was going in the same pace. 

Every time Jaehyun pushed in, he felt the slightest sting of burning pain before being head to toe rushed over with ecstasy. He wasn’t sure if it the high was caused solely by physical sensation or by the mental kicks he got from seeing his fellow member doing something so utterly forbidden as this. Jaehyun too was breathing heavily, moaning together with Taeyong just from the sight alone.

Soon enough Taeyong got used to the burning sensation, but it wasn’t still enough for him to reach his climax. He wanted to be defiled by this sweet, pretty dimpled boy breathing above him. 

“I want you inside me, Jae” He whispered. He felt how his own words got the blood in his body to rush down even faster. 

Jaehyun’s eyes widened, and wordlessly he nodded, and pulled out. Taeyong had to exhale loudly when the fingers slipped out. He heard Jaehyun stroking himself a few times to check the friction. It didn’t take long before he had angled his hips so that the tip of his cock was poking around Taeyong’s sensitive area.

“Oh my god” he said for himself while positioning himself better between Taeyong’s legs The older lifted his hands over his face like a subconscious defense mechanism. 

“Jaehyunnie…” Taeyong whined, and Jaehyun pushed in. 

Taeyong was sure he was doing it as gently and slowly as he could, but it still hurt like hell. Jaehyun was so thick and wide, and he would lie if he didn’t think he was afraid of how he would be able to take him up. The intensity of the burning was increasing exponentially with how much Taeyong was being stretched out. Since he had his arm over his face he bit into his own flesh just to stop himself from screaming. Jaehyun didn’t dare to move, so after a few seconds of raw excruciating pain the burn started to ease. He could once again feel that strange sensation of being filled up to the edge. 

“More” 

Jaehyun held his breath for a while and obeyed, pushing in his fully erect member completely. He moaned loudly, saying, “fuck, fuck, fucking hell” and stopped again. The pain returned, this time pulsating with the same pace as the hot blood did in Jaehyun’s cock. Taeyong groaned, clutching his jaws together. He had never, ever, felt anything quite like this. Jaehyun felt even more massive than what he looked like, shooting electric shocks deep inside Taeyong’s abdomen. 

“Should I ..” Jaehyun hesitantly breathed. 

“Jae, yes, fuck me, fuck me now” Taeyong groaned. 

“Oh, I will” the younger boy answered thickly and began to slowly move inside the other. 

It felt crazy at first, but soon enough the burning got manageable and Taeyong started to really feel how astonishingly good it felt to be stretched out completely. In the end there was a thin line between pain and pleasure, as so many before them had figured out. The ride was slick, making it easy for Jaehyun to carefully increase his pace. Among the different sensations he got from the movement, there was one particularly pleasurable one that he hadn’t felt before. Every time Jaehyun brushed on a certain spot, an especially intense stirring pulsation shot up all the way to his fingertips. It felt like soft but determined caresses all over his body both inside and out. Unfortunately the feeling was very short-lived, which made Taeyong crave more, more, and faster. 

“Fucking hell hyungie, you feel amazing, my small, tiny hyung” Jaehyun grunted.

“more, more” Taeyong whimpered.

Jaehyun didn’t blink twice, increasing his pace and thrusting harder. Taeyong had to stabilize himself with one hand against the wall, because it felt like he would be pushed through the wall anytime soon. The bed was already making awkward thumping noises against the floor. It felt like he would burst, but obviously he didn’t – and he found himself loving that feeling of being pushed to his limit without truly breaking. 

Ironically, when he didn’t think he could take any more, Jaehyun thrusted deeper. His sensitive spot got the friction it deserved, and Taeyong almost screamed, but managed to throw his arm over his mouth before letting out a sound too loud for this environment. Tears were forming in his eyes, tears of pleasure too great for his tiny body. Jaehyun was also moaning loudly now, cursing once in a while. He too was apparently getting there way too quickly. 

Jaehyun slowed down to breath for a while, and changed position. He straightened himself up and grabbed Taeyong by his waist, lifting his lower body higher up on his own thighs. Taeyong arched his back gracefully, and took hold of the edge of the bed behind his head. Then he picked up the pace again, thrusting rhythmically into Taeyong. It felt just right. 

“Touch yourself” Jaehyun murmured.

Taeyong opened his eyes to look at Jaehyun looking hotly at him beneath his heavy eyelids. Wordlessly he obeyed, and started stroking himself with his right hand. It felt awkward at first, knowing the other one was following his every movement, but after a while he relaxed and began to greatly enjoy the feeling of being fucked by his own hand and Jaehyun’s throbbing member at the same time. Not to mention his eyes., too.  
Jaehyun was brushing past that one special spot, and he noticed that he could intensify the feeling if he moved his own hips against Jaehyun’s in sync. 

“Right there” he breathed, and started stroking himself harder and faster. Jaehyun noticed the change of pace, and followed right after. Soon enough he was starting to close in on his own climax again. He could see falling stars and northern lights against his closed eyelids, and it felt like his insides were going to ignite for real. But his mind was surprisingly calm. 

In his mind there were nothing else than him and Jaehyun and the intimate connection they were sharing. He didn’t care about anything or anyone else, he wouldn’t have minded if anyone walked in on them or heard them, not in this moment of rapture. He let go of himself – he wanted to come by Jaehyun alone. Jaehyun sensed the change in Taeyong’s aura, and thrusted faster and faster. Taeyoung couldn’t remember saying or doing anything when the wave of ecstasy came crashing in and taking him under. The orgasm took him straight to nirvana, making everything around him blurry, meaningless. It didn’t feel like his usual orgasms either - he had never felt anything like this. Jaehyun kept fucking him through his release, seeing hot, white liquid spilling out over his lover’s stomach. The satisfied look on Taeyong’s face was enough to make Jaehyun come a second time, this time violently bursting inside Taeyong. He groaned excessively, before collapsing next to the redhead, equally worn-out and messy.  
Taeyong was still high on his own orgasm, trying to regain control of his inhales and exhales. It felt like he was deprived of oxygen, lightheaded, dizzy.

After a while he regained his sense of reality, feeling hot liquid and fierce burning between his legs. He turned his head to look at Jaehyun, who was mentally still completely somewhere else. He was so beautiful like this – naked and vulnerable, completely exhausted. He stroked his hair out of his face, making Jaehyun open his eyes to meet his gaze. 

“Merry Christmas, Taeyongie Hyung” 

Taeyong couldn’t find anything to say in return.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for all the comments and kudos so far, I'm happy bubu :))))))  
> sorry for error's of all kind

He dreamt of running away, running as fast as he ever could to a destiny unknown. He didn’t know what he was running away from, or why – it’s just felt like the right thing to do in the moment. He jumped over fallen trees and shallow streams, running, running, against the sunrise in the horizon. The sun will shine upon him, make him airy and glowing. He was staring at the rising sun and therefore didn’t notice that the path he followed ended on a cliff. Suddenly he was falling – and he intuitively knew it was a dream, and that he would probably wake up soon. Then he felt someone or something grabbing his ankle, stopping his free fall with a violent jerk. He screeched of pain, and opened his eyes.  
He was wide awake now, scanning the room, breathing shallowly from his vivid dreaming. This wasn’t his and Johnny’s room. He glanced down at his feet, searching for the thing that had grabbed his ankle in the dream. He could only see another foot, a little paler than his own, pushing against his own ankle.

Oh fuck. Oh fucking fuck.

He had fallen asleep in Jaehyun’s bed. The sounds and smells and touches from yesterday hit him like a wall – THAT hadn’t been a dream, that was reality. He shifted nervously and sat up in the bed, suddenly aware of the burning ache between his legs. He felt the panic creeping up on him.

What if someone heard them? What if….

He picked up his phone and looked at the watch. 5.45. He couldn’t have slept more than two hours.  
He got startled when he felt something moving behind his back. It was obviously Jaehyun, who was still blissfully sleeping under the covers. Taeyong turned to watch him. His hair was a mess on top of the pillow, but his face was as beautiful as ever. A man’s face, but still so childlike, so innocent; like all human beings sleeping in a safe, warm place. His soft inhales and exhales through his slightly parted lips calmed Taeyong down pretty quickly. He yearned to touch him, to lie back down and press his back against his chest – but truth be told, he was afraid that he might wake up. Taeyong knew he was a coward but he didn’t really feel like talking about yesterday’s happenings at the moment with his Dongsaeng. He was afraid there might be consequences that they’d have to deal with, and he for sure wasn’t ready for that. He made a silent prayer to all the gods he knew that no-one heard them.

He moved a strand of hair away from his eyes and gave him a featherlight stroke over his cheek. Then he cautiously jumped out of the bed and picked up his scattered clothes from the floor. He pulled up his shorts and tip-toped to the door with the clothes in his arms. He opened the door as quietly as he could, and sneaked out into the hallway. He shivered from the cold, and made haste to his own room. No-one seemed to be awake yet, so he went inside his and Johnny’s room as painfully quietly as he could. He saw Johnny sleeping, and exhaled the breath he’s been holding in for far too long. He tucked his dirty clothes away and went straight to the bathroom.  
He turned the water faucet on and drank from the tap, before wiping his mouth with his hand and looking at himself in the mirror.

He looked horrible. Pretty much fucked up, literally. His hair was a mess and he had dark bags under his eyes. His lips were all raw and bitten, and he had a bruise on his neck and under his collarbone. The lack of sleep made him feel lightheaded, drunk almost, and the way his reflection stared at him accusingly didn’t really make it any better. He was angry for letting him fall asleep in Jaehyun’s bed – what if they had just continued sleeping in and someone came in to wake them up? With Ten they’d always made sure to use either a hotel or their private room they were conveniently sharing together during trips. And it had always been so controlled; they were never too loud, made sure to never leave marks. But yesterday he totally lost all the control he thought he had. Fuck, he felt so, so, dirty.

He stepped into the shower and turned the water on. He closed his eyes and leaned against the cold tiles, before gliding down against it to the floor. The water felt nice and soothing on his face. If he could just fall asleep here in the shower for a while – alone, behind locked doors, in his own safe bubble of hot water. The feeling of dishevelment started to wash away, and was soon replaced with an aching longing for the warmth of another human body.

Taeyong realized that his heart was fluttering violently when thinking about Jaehyun and the things he did to him. The panic he felt was purely caused by the fear of being caught doing something this forbidden that’ll probably ruin both of their careers. Of course he also panicked because of Jaehyun too; being caught would probably involve being separated the rest of their contracts. He would trade one finger for this incident to go unnoticed – that way they could be more careful the next time, if…  
Half an hour later he stepped out of the bathroom with his bathrobe on, feeling a lot fresher and more confident. Johnny appeared to still be sleeping, good. Taeyong went to his own bed and sorted out his dirty clothes. He noticed Jaehyun’s white t-shirt, which he apparently accidentally had picked up with his own clothes. He made sure that Johnny was still turned with his back against him and lifted the cloth up close to his face, breathing in the scent of his lover. It smelled safe.

He quickly hid the t-shirt with the rest of his clothes when he heard Johnny’s sheets rustling.

“Good moooooorning” he said with a sleepy voice, followed by a big yawn.

“Morning, hyung” Taeyong answered casually. Johnny rubbed his eyes and yawned again. He picked up his phone and started scrolling twitter or whatever.

“Where were you last night? I woke up a few times during the night and you weren’t there”  
Taeyong had expected that question.

“I couldn’t sleep, so I went to kitchen to eat something and ended up falling asleep afterwards” he answered vaguely.

“Oh okay, I thought you were talking with Jae and fell asleep in Haechannies bed” Johnny said casually while looking at his phone’s screen, scrolling intensively.

Oh. Oh fuck.

“Oh” was the only thing Taeyong could say.

Fortunately for him, Johnny left the topic. Nevertheless, Taeyong was getting shaky again. They could never do this again, never, it was way too risky. Not like this. His career was way too important to be thrown away for some boy. Without his career, he had nothing – no profession, no higher degree. He would need to start studying again. And with his recognizable face, he would have to face all the crazed fans without any security or anonymity. He would have to leave the country, probably, if he wanted to start from scratch. And he could never leave the country if Jaehyun wasn’t coming with him. No, he’d rather live the rest of his years as an idol suppressed, in secrecy, may it even be miserable, as long as it involved Jaehyun. Without him he would shatter into a million pieces from the first hit the true world would throw at him. He had to talk with him though. He knew that he wouldn’t be able to say no to Jaehyun if he wanted his body. Taeyong though wanted something more than that, and he suspected that it would be harder to disguise his true feelings than it would be to hide some sporadic shags in a hotel room. If Jaehyun wasn’t interested in him on that level the wisest thing would be just to stop this thing they had even before it really started. That would make the rest of their years together so much easier for the whole group. But it broke his heart to think that Jaehyun might not share his feelings. After all, he had said that it would never work because of their situation, and that he had never considered them as an option because of their fame. He wondered what kind of guys Jaehyun had been trying to date? Just normal office workers? Students, cooks, doctors, merchants… Normal people who didn’t know who he was? Who had found him likeable because of who he was as a normal person without make-up and designer clothes? But Taeyong did that too. He had loved Jaehyun since their trainee years, he had seen him both high and low, with dirty hair and sweat stained tank tops, with or without shitloads of makeup and flattering lights. He had seen him angry, furious even, but he still loved him. Wasn’t that enough for Jaehyun?

He was cut off from his thoughts when he felt a sting of pain shooting up his back. He groaned, and shifted his position. Their next concert was luckily scheduled the day after tomorrow, but he had to check his schedule to make sure they didn’t have any dancy events today. He hoped he could walk normally at least.

He remembered that they were supposed to participate in a tv-show today. The make-up Noonas would sigh when they saw his dark circles under his eyes. Maybe he should put on a facemask? He reached for his drawer and pulled out the first mask he saw, and decided to put it on and take a nap. Johnny was still scrolling his phone so they weren’t surely in any hurry.  
He fell asleep instantly.  
  
  
  


“Taeyongie, wake up” The owner to that voice shook his shoulders gently. Taeyong grunted and tried to rub his eyes, noticing that he still had that now dried out mask on.

“We need to leave shortly” Johnny said while pulling the covers of the still sleepy boy. Taeyong sighed and picked up his phone. No messages. The clock was almost twelve. His sleepy brain couldn’t comprehend when and where they were going, but he got himself up and started to look for some clothes to wear. He really really hoped their manager’s had brought some decent clothes for them to wear during the broadcast, because he couldn’t really bother now to put on anything fancy. <

“You sick or something?” Johnny asked worriedly. <

“No…. No I’m just awfully tired, slept really bad” He mumbled as a response, searching for some ripped jeans. <

Johnny hummed and didn’t say anything in return. He had that look in his eye though. Taeyong hoped that he hadn’t been talking with Jaehyun when he was still sleeping. They were best friends too, after all. Damn, he’s getting sick from this mess in his head.  
He put a cap on his head and ran down the stairs, wearing a thick knit hiding his bruised neck. His mind was craving for some coffee, but getting sure everyone was getting into the van in time was more important than hanging around the kitchen waiting for the coffee to drip. Sure enough, Mark was still lying in bed playing games on his phone, which made him feel a little better. He dragged up the younger and waited from him to get dressed, talking about the game Mark had recently discovered.

Jaehyun and Doyoung were waiting for them outside the car. Taeyong’s heart skipped an extra beat when he saw Jaehyun. He looked as well as ever – radiating, flushing, maybe a little puffed in the face after a sleepless night. He wore skintights black jeans and a wine red turtle neck – looking sophisticated in comparison to Taeyong’s baggy street clothes. He just couldn’t stop staring at him; Staring at that beautiful man who would make his life so, so hard.

Jaehyun was still talking to Doyoung but glanced in Taeyong’s and Mark’s direction. He smiled shyly, and Taeyong was sure that made his own cheeks burn bright red. Mark jumped in to the van, and Taeyong forced his legs to follow his dongsaeng. Jaehyun poked the older ones arm with his own elbow gently, making him stop mid motion.

“Hyung, have you had coffee yet?” Taeyong noticed him holding two keep-cups.

Taeyong froze, and stumbled on his words on his tongue. Jaehyun was one of the warmest and most caring persons he had ever met, but this display of affection still managed to surprise him. Jaehyun pushed the cup into one of his hands.

“Thank you, Jae” He managed to say, nodding his head awkwardly. The other boy just smiled widely in return and jumped in to the van.

“Didn’t I get any coffee?” Doyoung whined noisily.

“You already had yours earlier, Hyung” Jaehyun answered from inside the van. Doyoung jumped in after him, muttering something about rewarding those who slept in.

Taeyong inhaled the comforting smell of hot coffee before jumping inside on the seat in front of Jaehyun and Doyoung. He was still alarmingly hot over his cheeks so he preferred not to face any of the other boys. The hot drink soothed his nerves a little bit and he could finally relax for a while against the seat.  
  
  
  
  
  


45 minutes later they arrived at their destination. Since they were running a little late (again), they were rushed up to the studios. Their stylist’s had luckily picked out some matching outfits for them to wear. Taeyong was rushed to the mirror where the make-up artists started to work on his make-up. He was relieved to see his dark circles under his eyes disappearing with layers of foundation, concealers and powder. He closed his eyes and tried to breathe calmly, regaining some energy.

“What is this?” The Noona suddenly asked shyly. Taeyong’s eyes sprang open.

He had forgotten about the bruise on his neck. The Noona was putting some concealer on it.

“Ehm… It’s atopic dermatitis” he said restlessly.

“Oh….” The Noona said and caught his eyes through the mirror. She didn’t believe him for two seconds.  
“Like, like my scar, you know” Taeyong tried and pointed at his right eye.

She stared at him for a while before smiling gently, then continuing with tapping make-up over his neck. Tap tap tap, all over his neck. Applying shiny gloss over his plump, bitten lips. He was once again starting to feel how his breath was being caught in his chest, how his heart was beating faster and his cold palms starting to sweat nervously. He closed his eyes again, and focused on breathing. In and out. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Ten. Jae. Fuck. What the fuck is happening?

“Hyungnim, you want some water?” The Noona asked kindly. “Are you feeling ill?”

Taeyong opened his eyes again, noticing how his fingers were clutching the armrests like he was afraid of falling off. The Noona came with a paper cup filled with water, and Taeyong grabbed it with shaking hands. He thanked her gratefully and drank it up. He really did feel like he could throw up any second.  
When his makeup and hair was done, he donned his shirt and put on a jacket the stylists had brought with them. He was still feeling kind of lightheaded, afraid of haven gotten a stomach flu for a while. He didn’t feel his stomach acting up though. Instead it was like he had metal chains tightly wrapped around his chest, constricting his breathing, forcing his heart to beat faster to pump all the poorly oxygenated blood around his body. He had to be panicking, for sure. He hadn’t got panic attacks for years, so he’d kind of forgot about their existence. Somehow, in the midst of the cloudy haze of his mind, he found himself sitting on a bar stool in a white, heavily lit-up studio. He had memorized his ques during the car trip, so he should be able to do it. He didn’t recognize his voice though when he presented them – his tongue was speaking on auto pilot, saying the same platitudes as he’d said a thousand times before. He gave the mic to Johnny who was sitting next to him the instant he was done with the introduction of the band. He HAD to calm down.  
He focused on his hands. He looked down at his shiny snakeskin shoes. They always dressed him up like he was a doll. Trying on new styles, deciding what’s going to be next year’s trend. Styling his hair like they wanted. Gave him a script and told him what they wanted him to say.  
They loved him though. They couldn’t know.

“Taeyong-nim?”

What?

“Taeyong?”

“Sorry?” he focused his eyes back to the host of the show. Oh they would have a rough time editing this time.

“Ooh was he day-dreaming! I asked, what do expect from the 2019?”

He knew the script, luckily, and let his auto-pilot ramble about hoping that NCT gets even more successful and that they get the chance to perform abroad more often and how they hope to please Nctzens even more next year and something something something about working hard. Jungwoo threw some kisses at the video camera while the rest of them cheered.

“Wonderful, you’re already a huge hit overseas! But Taeyong, how about you? What do you expect?”

“I promise to work even harder next year and show you many new exciting sides of us!” He answered and made a small bow at the camera.

“Such altruistic thinking, worthy of a prince! But you’re still talking about what other’s expect of YOU, what do you hope for?”

Oh that wasn’t in the script. He tried to scan his mind for a smart answer but unfortunately he lacked the wit Johnny possessed. What did HE want? Could he want anything that wasn’t a part of his contract? He hesitated.

“Uhm, to see my dog more?” He tried. Yuta said “awwwww I miss my dog too” behind him.

“He must be one fancy dog to have an owner like that! How about something more ambitious? You’re an ambitious guy, everyone knows how hard you’ve pushed yourself to be where you are now. How about meeting someone special? Or featuring some foreign artists?”

They couldn’t know. It was an innocent question. They knew nothing.

“Uhm we’re... we’re not-..”

“We don’t have time to date, just look at me, I’m stuck with these guys day and night!” Johnny interrupted. The show host laughed together with Johnny. Taeyong was so grateful for his hyung’s social skills in that moment. But unfortunately, the cringe continued. Hadn’t the show host been informed about their company rules?

“Ah, you guys don’t need to date! You already have millions of girls swooning over you whatever you do! And probably boys, too!” Jungwoo snickered cutely, making the show host interrupt his speech for a laugh.

“I mean, I’m a manly man, and even I can’t take my eyes off you, Taeyong-nim! Have anyone ever seen such handsomeness? Even pretty boy Jaehyun here is staring at you, ain’t he?”

Taeyong heard Jaehyun laughing it off somewhere far away – the only thing he felt was how that invisible chain started to choke him again.

They knew, they must have known for a long time. They must have hacked his phone. Or put in cameras behind their backs. It didn’t matter but they must know, there couldn’t be any other explanation. The show host was in on it, trying to expose him, trying to ruin his career, creating a scandal. He must get away, he must get away before they force him to say it himself. He must get away from those hard stage lights, from those cameras, capturing his innermost secrets and oppressed sins. He saw the producer waving at him, saying something that he couldn’t hear. Soon he started to get blurry too. He turned to look at his friends, but their faces were blurry too. He knew he was sitting next to Doyoung but he still couldn’t see him or hear him. What the fuck was happening?

He suddenly realized he was out of breath, and when he tried to inhale the chain just tightened harder around his chest. He couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t…. Fresh air, he needs fresh air. He gets up from the bar stool and finds himself walking out of the studio to the dressing room, eyesight still blurry. He had to sit down on a bench because his head was getting all dizzy from the lack of oxygen. Just breathe, breathe…

   
  
  


“Hyung!” Jaehyun slapped him lightly in the face. He was suddenly wide awake again, seeing Jaehyun kneeled down between his knees and Doyoung standing next to him with a glass of water and an uneasy face. Thank god, they were still in the dressing room.

“What the fuck happened” He said breathy.

“You had a panic attack” Doyoung stated calmly.

Panic attack? He had completely forgotten about those. He used to have them as a young teen, but he thought he’d left them behind with his juvenile anxiousness.

“You were super scary and just left in the middle of everything, are you okay for sure??” Jaehyun said with apparent worry in his voice. He moved up to sit next to him on the bench, holding his shoulders gently.

“I guess….” He took the water from Doyoung’s hand and sipped on it. Yuta came in too, quickly followed by their manager. He began to feel wetness burning in the corner of his eyes. Fuck, he wouldn’t cry now, not here. He had to hide it, and Jaehyun’s warm body was conveniently there. He threw his arms around Jaehyun and burrowed his face against his shirt, hoping his make-up was waterproof.

“Hold me” he whispered almost inaudible against his chest. He could feel Jaehyun tense up.

“Here? But…” He said quietly against his cheek.

“I don’t care, please Jae” he swallowed down a sob.

Jaehyun took him into his embrace, and Taeyong felt like he could finally relax a little again. Jaehyun’s arms and his chest made up a safe stronghold, keeping him floating when he didn’t have strength to do it himself. Jaehyun looked pleadingly at Doyoung, who took the hint. He told the manager and Yuta to leave them alone for a while, and dragged them out of the dressing room.  
Jaehyun stroked Taeyong comfortingly over his back, afraid to say anything at all. Taeyong inhaled his scent before gathering himself.

“What if they know” he said.

“They don’t”

Jaehyun placed one hand on the back of Taeyong’s head and pulled him a tad bit closer.

“They will”

The younger boy sighed and placed a small peck on his cheek. It felt warm. Taeyong snuggled closer, burying his face at the nape of his neck.

“I’m afraid I can’t perform at KBS”

“Sure you do”.

“But what if I can’t”

“Taeyongie-hyung, you of all people can do anything” Jaehyun said and pulled back a little to look at Taeyong.

Jaehyun looked so, so kind. He really adored everything about him - His warm dimpled smile and his laughing eyes, perfectly matched with squishy cheeks and soft, dreamy hair. He was like the prince from a fairytale, completely flawless and pure. Naïve as a fairytale, too.

“Why can’t I be with you, then” He answered solemnly.

Something changed in Jaehyun’s face – he was still smiling but his mouth and eyes got more strained. It really did sting when Jaehyun broke their eye-contact. He hugged him hard once, before letting go of Taeyong to grab his hand.

“We need to go, everyone’s waiting for you” he said instead.

 

 

Taeyong managed to gather himself for the rest of the recording. The manager made sure not to ask Taeyong questions outside script at the moment since he’s not feeling very well. It wasn’t a big deal editing out the awkward parts, anyway. After the show, Jungwoo came and pulled him aside. The sweet boy asked with glassy eyes if his Hyung was alright. He was afraid something bad had happened, something he didn’t know about. Taeyong gave him a hug and reassured that everything will be okay as soon as Donghyuck is healthy enough to return back to their dorms. It’s feels like a younger sibling of yours is injured, he explained. It’s rough. Taeyong was obviously not lying, but he still felt like he was playing a dirty trick on the younger boy.

Later that night, after cooking dinner for the boys, he waited for Jaehyun to approach him in some other way than just the random chitchatting they did together with the group every night. When he didn’t, he went back to his room and waited for him to send a text or something, asking if he was feeling better. But he didn’t. Obviously, he had zero obligations to do so - they weren’t in a relationship or anything. It had been nothing but sex, but he still felt like he waited for some recognition after giving away his body’s privacy to Jaehyun. He felt even more stupid and blue-eyed after seeing Jaehyun struggle with answering his very much sincere question in the dressing room. He was getting that vile feeling of being dirty again – like he was some kind of garbage that should be thrown away after being used.

He saw his phone blink, and picked it up from the floor next to his jeans rapidly. He unlocked his screen only to see some meme’s sent to their group chat. He sighed disappointedly. He scrolled down to Jaehyun’s name and opened up their chat. There were no messages between them today, which felt extremely alien.  
He typed “Good night Jae~” and sent it. He had already typed in a heart-emoticon but removed it just before sending the message. He stared at the screen and saw Jaehyun was typing something. For quite some time actually. His phone felt hot in his slightly trembling palms.  
Then he erased the text.

It took around 20 seconds for him to start typing again.

“Nighty night, Hyung”

What the fuck had he done wrong to deserve this bullshit?

 

 

He was genuinely pissed the next morning. He did something he hasn’t done in a long time – he took his gear and went to the gym for an early morning work-out. He wasn’t that keen on exercising, generally – they got enough of it during practice. Taeyong preferred static bodyweight training, and he’d noticed years ago how astonishingly much it improved his dancing too. Generally speaking, he would gladly gain some muscle to fit his clothes better, but knowing his skinny ass metabolism he was afraid of losing even more from just burning calories. People say exercise increases appetite, so he might as well give it a try. And who knows, maybe Jaehyun would change his mind if he saw how well Taeyong cared for his body.  
He felt much better after the work out. The sweating cleansed his mind and spirit, and he felt much lighter when he walked out from the gym. He knew he had to be careful not to burn himself out – maybe it was time to listen to his fans and actually slow down a little? He made the decision to definitely start going to the gym more often, even if it meant being recognized with hair stuck to his forehead and red cheeks. Maybe he could join Taeil? Or convince someone to join him on a Yoga course? Nevertheless, Taeyong’s improved spirit carried him through the day, nailing their practice session. He had almost forgotten about yesterday’s concerns on not being able to dance due to his spiraling anxiety and still sore body. Jaehyun complimented him on his fluid moves, making his heart flutter hopelessly once again. Everyone was feeling really good about their stage performance tomorrow. And Jaehyun still hadn’t talked to him privately.

The KBS gig was fantastic – all of them were exalted to perform together with their sunbaenims in EXO. Seeing some new fresh faces and old acquaintances felt liberating after an intense period of breathing the same air with 9 other members. Taeyong couldn’t remember when he had had this much fun at a party.

A few hours later their own group ended relaxing together in their luxurious dressing room, drinking champagne and talking shit. They called Donghyuck who was angry at them for having fun without him, that poor boy.

“Did you guys hear about how they’re gonna announce Kai’s and Jennie’s relationship?” Mark said.

“Yeees, damn, poor guys, they’re going to get so much shit thrown at them for that” Yuta answered.

“It’s hard to say if it’s going to do good or bad for their image…”

“Probably both. Either way, they will probably never be able to go anywhere undisturbed anyway. I mean, there’s hundreds of fansites following both of them day and night, imagine trying to go on a date with a bunch of jealous girls with huge camera’s stalking following you wherever you go…” Yuta continued.

“They’re way too famous for it to last. Not with their busy schedules” Jaehyun added.

“Even if they love each other I doubt it will last very long because of that reason”

Taeyong frowned at the comment. “Why wouldn’t it?”

Yuta looked at him with a confused look on his face.

“Could you date someone who will get hated just for dating you? How long would you last with that amount of attention around you? They won’t have any private life at all”

“But if you love them” Taeyong continued with a small voice.

Yuta shrugged.

“I guess, I wouldn’t know. Jae, what do you think? I remember you having some girlfriend back when we were trainees”

Jaehyun stiffened and looked at his hands. He could probably feel Taeyong’s piercing eyes staring at him, waiting for his answer. The tension got stiff, and Yuta poured up some more champagne.

“Uhm… Lately I’ve been trying to learn how to look at things realistically… “

”No Jaehyun dear, you’ll forever be a dreamer, you think with your HEART” A slightly intoxicated Johnny blurted out and made heart-signs in Jaehyun’s direction. Jaehyun laughed, and the tension lifted.

He smiled sweetly and said “Okay If I think with my heart I believe that love conquers all”.

Johnny smiled in Taeyong’s direction. “Awwww that’s my Disney prince! Hear that Yongie? My prince” Then he came up to Jaehyun and poured him more to drink. Taeyong flinched at the remark, but was pretty sure it would go unnoticed regarding the circumstances.

Yuta raised his glass and said “Well I wish them all the happiness in the world!”

 

A few glasses later they were gathering their things to head back home. It was probably the alcohol that caused Taeyong to cling shamelessly on Jaehyun when they left the building. Or then it was the fact that Jaehyun had offered to carry Taeyong’s bags too, which Taeyong thought was insanely adorable. They had talked a little during the party, but just about general things like their outfits and other group’s performances. The thing Jaehyun had said about love hadn’t failed to spark a little hope in Taeyong’s heart. A fool’s hope, but still better than none at all.

Taeyong dragged Jaehyun after him into the car and made sure they got to sit next to each other. Mark already sat by the window, half asleep from not being used to staying up this late. After fastnening their seatbelts Taeyong felt like joining Mark to the dreamlands and lent against Jaehyun’s shoulder. Taeyong couldn’t believe how heavenly it felt to lean against a warm body like that. He suddenly had that urge to touch him and get on with some classic skinshipping, no-one would mind anyway in this state of being sedated by both alcohol and the comforting humming of the car. Taeyong sneakily put his palm on Jaehyun’s knee and dragged his hand teasingly slow higher up his muscular thigh. He wondered how far up he could go without Mark (who luckily seemed to be sleeping) or anyone else paying attention to it. He looked at his own slender hand with its long fingers caressing the smooth surface of Jaehyun’s dresspants. He had looked good on stage, for sure. His sex-appeal made some of their choreos quite provocative to watch, almost to such extent that it made some of their staff feel awkward. Jaehyun could probably wear his halmoni’s old clothes on stage and still make it sexy.

His hand was now lying on his upper thigh, and Jaehyun shuddered when Taeyong’s fingers quickly brushed close to his groin area. He was pleased with the reaction, and let his fingers slowly start to wander along his inner thigh. He couldn’t resist grabbing Jaehyun’s inner thigh a little harder, feeling cheeky.

Jaehyun suddenly gripped Taeyong’s wrist and pulled his hand away from his legs. They looked at each other for a short second, before Jaehyun lent in to whisper in Taeyong’s ear.

“I was fucking hard already seeing you on stage tonight, don’t make it more painful”

Taeyong snickered and threw his arm casually over Jaehyun’s shoulder “That really sounds awful”.

Jaehyun pinched his thigh, making the older boy yelp. Taeyong pinched his cheeks instead saying “Squishy squishy baby boy” while Jaehyun protested loudly.

Doyoung yelled at them from the front seat to stop bickering. “For god’s sake you’re just making my headache worse”

Jaehyun slapped Taeyong on his knee and grinned. Taeyong met Johnnys eyes through the reflection of the window and suddenly painfully aware of their surroundings. He straightened his back.

“Come to my room when we get home” Jaehyun said quietly, still clinging on the redhead with his hand on his knee.

Taeyong shushed him and whispered back. “Johnny will get suspicious, I can’t sleep there anymore”

“Who said anything about sleeping” Jaehyun said close to Taeyong’s ear with a hot breath, making the hair on his neck stand up.

“Shut up”

“Did you like what I did to you? Was I good enough?”

“Jaehyun!”

Jaehyun sighed and trailed his fingers through the red strands of hair. “Hyung, please….let me touch you again” he swiftly took Taeyong’s earlobe into his mouth and bit it gently; something that no-one would ever count as just regular skinship.

Taeyon immediately pulled away and hissed. “You drunk idiot! Stop it!”

He looked nervously around to see if anyone was looking their direction. Luckily, Mark was still sleeping. Even though it was utterly stupid, Jaehyun’s daring act had made him feel tight and hot in his trousers. Jaehyun smiled smugly and lifted his arms behind his head. Taeyong could feel his eyes eyeing his now slightly bulging crotch. He quickly lifted up his bag in his lap and turned his head away from the younger boy so that he couldn’t see how his cheeks started to match the color of his hair. How extremely awkward.

Jaehyun leant in to whisper one more time before plugging in his earphones. “Come give me a good nights’ kiss then”.

And there he was again, the sweet sweet boy who was way too young to know anything about love. Jaehyun fell asleep pretty quickly after putting on his music.

 

Taeyong didn’t want Johnny to notice his bed being empty once again. Johnny had given him quite the look when their eyes met in the car, Like he had noticed their wild flirting in the backseat of the car. He wouldn’t believe another lie if he didn’t sleep in his own bed tonight. The problem was that he really didn’t want to waste this chance now when Jaehyun had invited him over. Therefore he decided to discretely follow Jaehyun all the way from the car up to his room, careful Johnny wasn’t near to witness him going in. They wouldn’t have too much time though – everyone, including Johnny, was going to go to bed pretty much straight away.

Taeyong carefully closed the door behind him and turned to face the younger boy, who was hanging up his jacket.

“Kiss me Jaehyun” Taeyong breathed with his back against the door. Jaehyun smiled coyly, put away the coat hanger and walked slowly up to Taeyong. He placed his hands on his waist and stroked his way up to his sides, to his chest and lastly to the back of his neck. He was just looking at the redhead, playing with those red strands on the back of his head. Taeyong himself couldn’t drag his eyes away from the taller boy’s lushious, full lips, waiting patiently for the other one to obey his order. Jaehyun chuckled softly, and leaned in to meet the other boy’s lips.

It was a soft, slow kiss, but passionate and deep. Taeyong could feel Jaehyun’s tongue teasing his own, putting enough pressure on to make Taeyong forget how to breathe. He kept his eyes closed and clutched at Jaehyun’s back to bring him closer. Jaehyun’s breathing soon started to speed up and turn shallower, and his hands started to guide Taeyong’s head in the right angle for better connection. Taeyong let out an accidental moan, making Jaehyun’s hands rougher and his mouth hungrier. Things were going to heat up pretty soon if he didn’t stop it now. I hated, hated, hated that he had to do it.  
He broke the kiss.

“Jae, I told you, I can’t stay. I’m afraid that Johnny suspects something”. Jaehyun sighed and let go of his embrace, mouthing a curse word with his friends name following.

“Oh. Alright. Whatever” He stepped back a little looking pretty defeated.

Taeyong put his hands in his pockets and tried to smile a little. “I’m sorry, you know”

Awkward silence.

Jaehyun was looking at his own feet, seeming a little wry, not looking back at Taeyong. He scratched his neck nervously. “Well, okay, good night, then”

Taeyong told him to sleep well, and was already reaching for the door knob when he suddenly stopped.

Things felt too weird between them at the moment. The atmosphere was odd and out of place. He was afraid they would never talk things through If he left in this moment.

“Jaehyun, can I ask you something?”

“Yes, Hyung?”

“I have been waiting for you to text or something. Or like, talk. Say something, about, this, us. I guess I am simple minded, but, have you been reflecting upon what it’ll be of us at all?

 

Jaehyun looked at him with wide eyes and swallowed, completely surprised by the question.

“I… uhm….” He crossed his arms and looked down at his feet again.

The redhead interrupted him. “I can’t stop thinking about you, Jaehyun.”

The younger boy sighed and turned to face the wall, rocking nervously from side to side, switching the weight on his legs. He looked quickly up to the ceiling, looking like he was calling for help from some higher powers. Seeing him this uncomfortable made Taeyong feel sick in his stomach.  
He finally turned back to face the older boy who hadn’t dared to move from his spot at all.

“Look, Hyung. I would be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy this. You know that” He stopped and scratched his neck again. Taeyong waited for him wordlessly to continue.

“So” He looked terrified. “You’ve always been one of my closest friends. And ridiculously attractive on top of that. And yes, I’ve been dating because I longed for someone to touch me in ways friends don’t do. But you and me…. I just… would it work? I don’t know”  
Taeyong contemplated what he said. He really didn’t know what to answer him, because he didn’t know either if or how or where or when it would work, regarding their current situation. But that wasn’t something he wanted to think about now. The only thing he could think about was being with Jaehyun, regardless of their tricky situation and the consequences it brought upon them.

“Maybe we could figure it out, no-one needs to know before that” Taeyong hated how small and pathetic he sounded. He should have asked him the real question – if he actually had feelings for him besides the loyalty of friendship and physical attraction.

Jaehyun interrupted him his thinking though.

“Can I ask you a question? You and Ten-Hyung … were you in a relationship or something a year ago?” Jaehyun didn’t look at him anymore, probably trying to hide his eyes turning green from jealousy.

The question surprised Taeyong. He didn’t think it was fit for this moment. It angered him, and he was close to blurting out that it wasn’t any of Jaehyun’s business. He really didn’t want to discuss this right now, not in this situation. The discussion had to end here - So he gathered himself and made himself ready to leave.

“No, we just fucked senselessly ”

Jaehyun’s mouth dropped open, and Taeyong left the room leaving him standing there with that stupid expression of his. Fucking hell.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uuuuuu I really liked this chapter ;_______; Johnten hmm;D? 
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The next day was kind of weird. They went through their daily schedule without really talking. It surprised Taeyong to a wide extent to see Jaehyun act this awkward - He quite seemingly avoided him, turning his gaze down everytime Taeyong passed him by. He blaimed insomnia when Yuta asked him why he was being so quiet. Taeyong couldn’t simply understand what was going on in Jaehyun’s mind. He claimed that he’s not sure if he wants to be in a relationship but got sulky like a pathetic teenager when Taeyong snapped at him about his affair with another member. If he was trying to show them how he could be his happy self completely without Taeyong’s romantic affection, he was failing miserably. Argh, Taeyong wanted to rip his hair out when he couldn’t solve the problem called Jung Jaehyun.

Later that evening, Taeyong was sitting alone on his bed, thinking about calling Ten. Johnny and Jaehyun were out because of their radio show. Taeyong couldn’t bother to listen today. He didn’t want to hear Jaehyun’s sulky voice. When he thought about it, he actually didn’t want to hear him sound cheerful either. He had to tell Ten about his situation. In case Jaehyun asked him questions or something horrible.  
He dialed his number and waited for the familiar high pitched voice to answer.

Ten finally answered. “ _Eyyyy yongie my man what’s up_ ”

Taeyong decided to go straight to the issue. “Dude are you alone?”

He heard Ten humming in confirmation.

“Okay, so, Jaehyunnie wants to sleep with me”

A few seconds of silence passed.  
“… _Okaaaaaay_ ”

“Yeah” Taeyong nodded even though Ten obviously couldn’t see it.

“ _And the problem is….. what? Don't you wanna sleep with him_ ” He could hear Ten’s amusement.

And Taeyong couldn’t stop himself from blurting out what he really felt, now when someone was listening.  
“I can’t stop thinking about him, Ten. For the past couple of weeks it has gotten worse, I can’t do anything without wondering what he would think of me doing this and that. I’m totally fucked, Ten. I think I’m in love with him. Or, no, I know I am. I have been for many years, but I’ve always just buried that feeling deep inside my heart since I was one hundred percent sure he was completely out of my reach. Until a few weeks ago, that is. He told me he likes guys too, and after that he kind of popped back up on my radar. And one thing led to another and….”

Ten interrupted him . “ _Wow wow slow down Hyung_!”

Taeyong caught his breath. “Sorry”

 _“Wait… you’re saying that you’re in… in love with him?_ ”

“He’s on my mind constantly. I can’t call it anything else”

“ _Okay. Okay okay, wow, that’ll make it hella complicated. You’ve told him that?_ ”

“No”

“ _Are you guys dating? I’ve heard Johnny mention that he dates_ ”

“Well I asked him what we are and he didn’t know” Taeyong said defeated. 

“ _Phew, at least I didn’t miss that detail. But you said he wanted to sleep with you?_ ”

“Yes we kind of did already”

“ _Oh, damn. Was he any good? He looks like a good fuck you know_ ”

“It was his first time with another man apparently, but, yes, I mean, have you seen him shirtless? He's hot as fuck ”

“ _Damn Hyung. You’ll train him up in no time. No problems_ ”

“But that’s it, I don’t… It’s not about sex, really, I want more than that”

“ _You want to hold his hand on the airport and kiss him in front of everyone on new year’s eve?_ ” Ten sighed.

In Taeyong’s fantasy world, that was exact what he wanted. Obviously he wanted to write music and dance to his heart’s extent, performing with his group all over the vast world. But in his idealistic world he would like to kiss Jaehyun’s full lips wherever he wanted, be it then on the airport or the fucking SMtown stage. He wouldn’t need to be afraid anymore, because Jaehyun would always be there to tell him he did well. He wished to hear Jaehyun send him sweet messages over their radio so the whole world could hear that they belong together. Taeyong would tattoo his name on his body if that was the only way to show him how much they belonged. He wanted people to be genuinely happy for them.

“I know that’s not possible. I’m fine with it being a secret for the rest of our lives as long as he wants it too. And I don’t think he wants that, Ten”

Ten stayed silent for a while, apparently thinking about what to reply.  
“ _Yongie-hyung, I can’t help you here_ ”

“I just had to tell someone”.

“ _It’s okay. Jaehyun’s one lucky bastard though. I’m a bit jealous, you know_ ”

“I’m sorry Ten, I love you bro”

“ _I love you too, you stupid romantic fool. You’re really in the shit now_ ” Taeyong could hear him smile through the phone.

Indeed, he was truly deep in shit.

 

 

Two days later Taeyong was on his way to the gym again. It was the last day of 2018, and he wanted to start the New Year feeling fresh. They would have a few days off to go see their families, but some of them had decided to spend the New Year ’s Eve together in Seoul before heading home. Jaehyun had been a little more like himself yesterday compared to the day before, which was lucky since he would stay in Seoul over the festivities. His parents lived in Gangnam anyway. Because he felt like he owed it to the members who didn’t celebrate with their families, Taeyong had decided to stay in town a little longer. He would have to travel home early the next day instead. He missed his dog an awful lot so he didn’t want to linger here in vain.  
The gym they used was only accessible by staff and other idols of the company, which enabled them to work out and empty their minds without being interrupted by fans trying to get their picture. Taeyong had found it to be very relaxing, especially when he wore headphones that delicately signaled that he didn’t want to talk to anyone. At this early hour the gym was pretty empty anyway.  
He was half way through his program, feeling warm in his body with that comfortable hurt burning in his shoulders. The next exercise on his program was chest presses. He was kind of embarrassed of how out of shape he was, looking more like a middle schooler than a twenty-plus-something man. Someone else was lying on the bench, huffing under the barbell. Taeyong stopped to stretch a little, waiting for the other one to finish. He examined his legs, wondering how Doyoung had managed to get nice thick calves without really working out. He remembers his sister’s friends being jealous over his ridiculously long and slim legs.  
He heard the other one putting the barbell down on its stands.

“Hey I’m done here if you wan-…” He stopped mid-sentence.  
Taeyong’s hair stood on end when he recognized the voice. It was Jaehyun.

He knew that Jaehyun was one of their members who enjoyed working out, but he had completely forgotten about the fact that he often did it in the mornings.  
Jaehyun was staring at him equally perplexed. He looked gorgeous; fair skin shining from sweat, tank top exposing his pumped shoulders. Taeyong badly wanted to drag the top off him. He wondered if there would be pearls of sweat dripping down his navel is he removed his top.  
They stood there staring at each other for a few painfully awkward seconds, neither really knowing what to say. Taeyong could feel the other one eyeing him from head to toe. He had to break the silence.

“Uhm, hey, you… wow you look great” Was the only thing his brain could produce at that moment.  
Jaehyun blinked at him in response, before scanning the room quickly and stepping up to Taeyong without saying a word.  
“Come” he murmured and grabbed Taeyong’s wrist hard. He turned around and dragged the redhead past the machines and treadmills to the end of the room. Taeyong winced when he accidentally hit his leg in a metal stand. Taeyong thanked Jaehyun in his mind for checking beforehand if there was someone else in the back of the gym. He was about to ask where he was taking him, before he saw Jaehyun stopping and opening the door to one of the bathrooms. He pushed Taeyong in and turned around to lock the door behind him.

Taeyong didn’t dare to speak and just looked at Jaehyun with an open mouth. Jaehyun’s eyes were glistening with something resembling both anger and wanting. He took a slight step back since a part of him was afraid that Jaehyun was angry at him. However, he knew in his heart that the sweet boy he knew so well would never ever harm him.

Jaehyun stepped forward until Taeyong had his back against the tile wall. Taeyong noticed how he was breathing hard when he gripped the older one’s slim upper arms.  
“Fucking hell” he breathed while staring into the black eyes of the redhead.

“What are you doing, Jaehyunnie?”

“I… I don’t know”. His voice cracked and he frowned.

Taeyong exhale slowly, trying to slow down his mad beating heart.

“You don’t know,” He answered after a while. “The things you don’t know is what I’d want you to do to me”

The younger blinked and his expression softened. Then he burst into a smug smile, and kissed Taeyong on the mouth with flaming passion. Taeyong was relieved to feel the younger one’s lips on his own again, forgetting all about their awkwardness over the past two days. He might be lying to himself, but he felt incredible happy. As he had told Ten earlier, sex wasn’t enough for him, but getting kissed by this much passion almost did it for him. He smiled coyly while kissing the corner of Jaehyun’s mouth.  
Jaehyun pulled away and looked him in the eyes.

“I’m too weak to resist you Taeyong”

The older leaned in and kissed him on the cheek.  
“Then don’t”

Jaehyun hummed with his eyes closed, enjoying the soft pecks Taeyong was placing along his jaw. He sucked on the delicate skin on his neck, tasting the salt released by Jaehyun’s work-out. The brunette sighed deliciously, moving his hands from Taeyong’s arms down to his slender hips, pulling him closer. Taeyong continued nuzzling his neck, drawing in the seductive scent of a real, strong man. He began to trail his kisses down from his pulse point down to his collarbone. The feeling of Jaehyun’s hands low on his hips made him wild, biting down on his skin making the younger wince. He was pleased to see a blood red bruise form on his white skin. His teeth marks, his boy. His, his, fuck, he would be his, someway.

He pulled away and looked up at Jaehyun, meeting his eyes. Taeyong was already out of breath, getting excited from his own possessive thoughts. He grabbed the hem of his t-shirt and pulled it off in a swift movement, exposing his skinny torso.

“I’m all yours, Jaehyunnie” He breathed and grabbed Jaehyun’s hands and placed them back on his hips. Jaehyun eyed his body with eager eyes and let his fingers rub down the older boy’s sides. Taeyong caught his lips again in a wet, luscious kiss, letting their tongues dance together soft and slick. His own hands wandered down to Jaehyun’s hips, sneaking the tips of his long fingers down under the waistband of his white designer boxers. He traced his sharp inguinal groove, knowing where it would end if he followed it downwards.

Jaehyun suddenly took a small step back. “Take the rest of it off”  
Taeyong obeyed gladly, untying the strings on his training shorts and letting them fall down to the floor. Since Jaehyun was watching his hands intensly, he teased him by pulling down his own boxers unnecessarily slow. He heard Jaehyun inhaling deeper when the soft hair above his manhood peaked above the waistband. Jaehyun couldn’t stop himself from slipping his hand inside his own pants, undeniably touching himself. Taeyong grew harder from just seeing Jaehyun’s hand move inside his clothing. Forgetting about what he was doing, he fell towards Jaehyun and kissed his lips violently, suddenly feeling Jaehyun’s erection poking his own. He gasped only to find Jaehyun pushing him away with his left arm.

“No, you’re not done yet”  
Taeyong swore for himself, since really wanted to touch and feel and taste Jaehyun right now. He pulled down his own boxer completely and looked eagerly at Jaehyun’s red lips. The younger boy wasn’t looking at the other one’s lips though. He stepped closer again, and curled his fingers around Taeyong’s pulsating length.

“Can you come by my hand, here in this bathroom, here in this dirty old gym” Jaehyun murmured and squeezed harder. The redhead winced, and cupped Jaehyun through his pants in return. He felt burning hot even through the clothing, so he quickly pulled his boxers down so he could reach for the younger. Jaehyun however wouldn’t allow this, and gripped his wrist and pinned it to the wall with his left hand. Instead he moved his hips closer so that their erections slammed against each other, and took them both in an open grip into his palm. Taeyong moaned hard, feeling how he was squeezed against something equally hot and aching. Jaehyun released his grip momentarily to spit into his palm, before rubbing their erections together hard, focusing on playing with the tip of Taeyong’s cock with his thumb. He increased his speed making Taeyong moan in the same pace. He didn’t make a sound himself, only breathed fast and shallow. Taeyong was so horny he could already feel the telltale signs of a coming orgasm tingling up his spine. Jaehyun sensed it too, and let go of his own cock to focus on Taeyong only. He leant in and licked his neck sore, taking Taeyong’s necklace between his teeth and pulled until it hurt. The redhead felt how he was close to his edge, waiting for that final push to send him into oblivion.

“You fucking love it, you slut” Jaehyun grunted into his ear. The rude words, not fit for his pretty red mouth, was enough to make Taeyong groan and squirm and release hot, white liquid into Jaehyun’s palm.

“Jaehyun, God”. He had to take hold of the other one’s shoulders so that he wouldn’t fall down to the floor. Jaehyun continued stroking him a few times through his orgasm, before letting go and kissing him on the mouth instead. Taeyong was still out of breath, so he had to gasp for air when Jaehyun let go of his lips for a second. The other one brought his index finger to Jaehyun’s parted lips, putting a finger inside his mouth and letting Taeyong suck on it.  
“Taste yourself” He said, and put in another finger into his mouth. That Taeyong did, and sucked as hard and eagerly as he could. He tasted like iron. I am made of iron, he thought.

After a while Jaehyun gripped the red strands of his hair and pushed him down to his knees. He flinched when his bony knees hit the cold hard tiles. He was more than fine with this though since he wanted to please Jaehyun so well that he’ll never be able to leave him. He looked languidly up at Jaehyun with his big, dark eyes, before taking him deep into his mouth. Taeyong relished the sight of how powerful Jaehyun looked from his place at the floor. He pulled on his red hair like he was holding Taeyong on an invisible leash. The redhead moaned while sucking loudly on the other one’s cock, still keeping his eyes fixed on Jaehyun’s face and his hands on his hips. Taeyong felt himself hardening again when watching the younger bite his lips.

He pushed the tip of his cock into his cheek one more time, pretending it was a sweet sugary lollipop. Then he continued to bob his head down the other man’s length until he could hear Jaehyun’s breath getting awfully irregular.

“Oh my god, Taeyongie-h…” He basically cried out, before tightening his grip on the red strands further. Taeyong could sense him being close to his climax, and tightened his lips around the hot throbbing flesh. He wanted to taste him this time, eat him up, like the five star meal he was. It only took a few hard sucks for Jaehyun to explode into the older one’s mouth, making him gag for a short moment before quickly swallowing the salty warmth in a whole.

“God I didn’t know you were such a fucking whore” He grunted while pulling out of Taeyong’s mouth, riding his orgasm down. He leant against the wall with closed eyes, breathing hard.

What did he say? The redhead wiped his mouth with his arm and stood up to face the younger.  
“Why did you call me that, Jaehyun?” He asked as neutrally as possible.  
Jaehyun continued breathing hard for a few seconds before opening his eyes to look at the older.

“Huh?” He reached his hand to cup Taeyong’s face, but the redhead moved away from his hand.  
“Why did you call me a whore?”

Jaehyun looked confused and pulled up his boxers. “What? I’m sorry I just… I thought you might have liked it”

Taeyong begun to put his own clothes back on. After pulling his damp technical t-shirt on he crossed his arms and faced Jaehyun again.

“You think I’m a whore?”

Jaehyun was still topless, trying to figure out his inside-out tank-top.

“No! Of course not…”

“You think I’m a whore” The redhead couldn’t face the younger anymore, and turned his eyes down. “You think it’s okay to fuck me just because Ten did?”

“Hyung, calm down, I didn’t mean it so”

Taeyong couldn’t keep his voice down anymore. He felt a vicious lump forming in his throat, causing a burning in the corner of his eyes. “Are you using me?”

Jaehyun looked humiliated and put his hand on his own chest. “No!”

“Then what the fuck are you doing??” Taeyong didn’t want to burst out crying in front of Jaehyun, so he unlocked the door and walked out of the bathroom, not bothering with closing the door on the still topless Jaehyun. Fuck, he just lost it.

 

 

He left the gym without changing, just grabbing his things from the locker and hurrying out. A few hundred meter’s down the street he started to feel remorse for leaving Jaehyun like that. Jaehyun’s words had indeed hurt him, but he quickly realized that he probably overreacted. He was sure he would never say such things to intentionally insult him, he was way too kind for that. On the other hand, he still hadn’t gotten the answer to his question why the other kept playing this game. In the end it was probably better for Jaehyun to know that Taeyong hadn’t intended to just make him his new fuckbuddy.  
Luckily Johnny wasn’t in when he arrived at their room. After taking a quick shower he threw himself on his bed and sighed loudly. He had already thought about leaving town to travel home a day earlier, but unfortunately his parents had already made other plans for the night since they didn’t expect him to arrive before the next morning. Maybe he’ll just spend New Year ’s Eve in his bed, he could tell the other’s he felt sick or something. It kind of was true, anyway.

His phone was buzzing. He picked it up and saw that Jaehyun had tried to call him thrice. He knew he was being awfully childish but he thought it was kind of bittersweet that he hadn’t been calling before now. The redhead couldn’t be bothered with trying to mend this through phone at the moment, so he just let the phone buzz unanswered. He knew already that it was a simple misunderstand and that he would probably forgive Jaehyun for it in no-time, but his anger concerned so much more than just one Freudian slip. He threw his pillow over the buzzing phone to make the annoying sound go away. He was wailing in frustration when Johnny came in.

“Hey, what are you crying about?”

“I’m not crying for fuck’s sake, I’m just pissed off”

Johnny lifted his both hands up in defense. “Wow okay, sorry for sharing the room with you”  
Taeyong grunted and turned his back against the other one, pulling the covers over his head. He heard Johnny sighing and sitting down on his own bed.

After a minute of silence the other spoke again. “Is it about Jaehyun?”  
The redhead opened his eyes wide open, only seeing the faint blue color of the covers.

“About you and Jaehyun, more specifically”

He sat quickly up in the bed and threw the covers off his head. He pierced the older boy with his black eyes. “What about us?”

“I’m not blind, Taeyong, and you’re not that sneaky as you think you are. You have some…. some thing going on”

Johnnys voice wasn’t angry, but it wasn’t comforting either. Just scarily neutral. Taeyong wouldn’t win if he tried to prove him wrong, he knew that.

“Do you deny it?”

“Yes, we’re not a thing”

“Okay, not a thing, but some thing” He pretended to be witty or something, and that aggravated Taeyong only more.

“You’re the one spending the most time with him. Ask him yourself” He spitted out.

“Did he dump you?”

So Johnny already assumed they were together. The redhead felt cold pearls of sweat forming on his forehead while a nasty knot twisted around his stomach. He knew he had to focus on his breathing to prevent going into a panic attack, but fuck it, he was so angry.

“I told you we aren’t together! That horny fucking bitch used me!”

Johnny frowned and spoke in a calm tone. “Don’t you speak about him like that”

“Well what do you know about it then?” Taeyong was practically screaming at this point.

“Jaehyun would ever hurt you. Or any of us. You’re being awfully unfair”

Taeyong couldn’t even answer. So now he’s accusing him instead? “No, he is”

“I think he’s in love with you, Tae”

The word’s stabbed Taeyong in the heart, partly because he didn’t believe it, partly because he didn’t understand why he hadn’t felt that love in that case.

“Did … Did he say...-“

“I mean he haven’t actually said so, but… He’s so confused, Tae. While you’re acting weird most of the time, Jae’s been acting weird more often than usual, and that being said when he’s probably the most ordinary guy out of all of us.”

“He’s not ordinary” Taeyong said sadly, looking down at his palms.

Johnny sighed for the fifth time or something like that.  
“Hey. Look. I don’t know what the deal is with you two. I wish I could say that I didn’t care, but unfortunately, I do. I really wish that you two don’t fuck it up for all of us, Taeyong. If you two end up being vicious bitches who can’t share the same space without being bitter at each other this group is gonna die. We need both of you dumbasses. You follow?”

Taeyong’s cheeks were burning of embarrassment. He was so ashamed he couldn’t even look at the older boy. He nodded silently repeatedly. He hadn’t predicted having this discussion with another band member for a long time. Partly hidden from himself was also the idea of having this discussion together with his actual boyfriend by his side. He let that word roll on his tongue. It tasted sickly sweet, yet, mostly terrifying.

“Sort this out, you’re the older one. I don’t wanna go to Jaehyun and have the same talk. I don’t care how you are together as long as you are on the same page”. Johnny watched him for a while before leaving the room. “I’m gonna go call my mom”, he said and closed the door.

Taeyong brought his knees to his chest and hugged them hard. “God why do I despise myself so much today” he mumbled when he was alone again. Johnny was obviously right. He needs to grow a pair. He fished up his phone under his pillow and ignored the calls Jaehyun had made. He was too much of a coward to call him back, so he chose to open their chat instead.

 _“I can’t deal with you being angry with me, please answer_ “  
Jaehyun had sent that an hour ago.

“ _Taeyongie-Hyung_?”

“ _I’m so sorry, please answer_ ”

“ _This is scary, please, I don’t like this”_. That was sent 10 minutes ago. Taeyong wondered if he was in his room by now.

“ _Hyung come on, I’m sorry alright_ ”

Gosh, Johnny was so right. He typed back.

 _“It was a misunderstanding. I’m sorry for freaking out. It’s okay. We need to talk though, I can’t having it when I don’t know what we’re doing. Where are you?”_ He sent it.

He noticed that Jaehyun read it asap, and he saw him typing a reply.

“ _At my parents, I’ll come to the restaurant directly from here_ ”

The guys still in town were going to have a new year’s dinner together before counting the New Year in. Taeyong had promised to join so he couldn’t bail out on his members now.

“ _K. Let’s talk afterwards. Btw, Johnny knows_.”

“ _Oh shit well I figured that he might_ ”

“ _He’s coo_ l”

 _“He is”_  
  
  


Taeyong wasn’t sure what to reply when the convo died out. He didn’t like the way their chat ended either. There were awkward tense empty spaces where they usually put their naive emoticons and sweet remarks. Jaehyun apparently sensed the same, and sent a text before Taeyong could figure out what to reply.

“ _You are beautiful, Hyung. Remember that if I don’t get the chance to tell you that tonight_ ”  
The redhead felt the warmth return to his chest, and he smiled at his screen.

“ _I hope I get to hear you say it_ ”

He really did. He had good hopes for tonight. They would talk things through, and if there was even the slightest truth to the things Johnny said it maybe, just maybe, might work out.

“ _You could send a voice message though_ ” He couldn’t resist teasing the younger a little, now when he was beginning to feel a little better again. Jaehyun’s chocolaty voice would surely sooth his worn nerves.

“ _Hyung I’m at my parents_ ”

Damn.  
“ _Tss, excuses_ ”  
  
It’s going to be alright. It will be, right?

 

 

Later that evening most of them were sitting around a table at a fancy uptown restaurant, enjoying their dinner and each other’s company. Taeyong had managed to gather himself for his members sake. In the end it would probably be really comforting to spend the night with his best friends in the whole wide world, eating good food and being able to talk freely without cameras and manager’s telling them what to do. Besides, Johnny would have killed him if he hadn’t showed up. The taller boy looked stellar tonight, and Taeyong wondered if he was going to head out for a club after their dinner. They were riding the elevator together up to the restaurant, and Taeyong couldn’t help but inhale the pleasant fragrance of Johnny’s cologne. He didn’t comment it though.

“Is Ten back home in Thailand?”

“Huh? Ten?” Taeyong was startled by the sudden question. “I don’t think so, they’re super busy with the new unit. He might still be in Seoul actually before heading for China”

“Oh okay, makes sense”. Johnny picked his phone up and started browsing something. Taeyong turned his eyes back to his own shoes. He weren’t clad for clubbing today, for sure. Well, it wasn’t his thing anyway. Ten loved it, and he could recall countless of times when Ten had tried to drag him along to some vulgar club with expensive drinks and flashy music. Taeyong loved to dance but preferred to do it on stage or in a safe place - He didn’t like the attention he got at the club, he didn’t like the stares - horny stares, jealous stares – he didn’t like the accidental touches. At the club he felt like a mouse trapped in a lions’ den. The few times he went with Ten he always ended up leaving as soon as the Thai boy had laid his eyes on some sweaty guy more interesting than Taeyong at the moment. He didn’t like the way people weren’t honest at the club – seeing people faking it for one night of pleasure and admiration wasn’t doing anything for him.

Maybe Jaehyun enjoyed it – clubbing, that is?

He shook his head silently for himself. Their schedules were way too packed for nightly shenanigans downtown. If he hadn’t been going with Johnny after some of their late night radio shows…? No, Not his Jaehyun. His sweet boy would rather spend his night at a jazz bar or at the movies.

The elevator door opened, and the duo stepped out to find their way to their friends. Chills ran through Taeyong’s back when he saw Jaehyun. Not because of their brawl earlier – no, he was extremely relieved that they’d smoothed the somewhat rough situation out through text before coming to the dinner. But he looked so, so, handsome – completely dressed in blank, wearing a satin blazer above a tight fitted shirt, hair wavy and flowy and fluffy and oh so touchable, pullable… Taeyong instantly felt like he wasn’t properly dressed to meet Jaehyun’s gaze, so he automatically lowered his eyes a bit when he felt Jaehyun’s eyes piercing a hole through him. Johnny patted him on the back as a wordless encouragement and called after Doyoung.

“Hey Dons, do what you do best and cheer this whiny baby up – he’s having a bad day”.  
It didn’t take much time before everything went back to the perfectly ordinary normal again. They were enjoying their food (and lots of it), gossiping, talking about their upcoming tour and their promised beach holiday. Going through the latest news of Donghyuck’s recovery and the new debuts in China. Taeyong could see Jaehyun easing up under the influence of alcohol which strangely enough made him feel more secure as well. Johnny was mirroring himself in the spoon, trying to fix a strand of hair escaping the hold of his hairgel. Taeyong put the strand of hair tenderly behind Johnny’s ear, being amused by this sudden vanity of his older friend.

“Are you making yourself handsome for us or for someone else?” he teased.  
“Pfft, I’m just keeping up appearance for the rest of you if someone recognizes us” Taeyong laughed at Johnny’s frowning face. Well, he wasn’t the fashion evaluator for no reason.

Johnny leant in and whispered in Taeyong’s ear. “You look happier now. I’m glad”.

Taeyong swallowed and nodded. It was probably not true, but at least he was more at ease with the situation. He glanced quickly in Jaehyun’s direction – the younger obviously felt the eyes on him as he with a solemn expression caught Taeyong’s gaze. He quickly lowered his gaze and bowed his head the slightest. Taeyong lowered his own head in guilt. This situation is so utterly weird, he thought.

“Oh come on, now you look miserable again” Johnny murmured next to him and patted him on his back.

 

 

Somewhere along the end of their meal Johnny spoke up (surprise) and raised his glass of champagne.  
“This year has been truly amazing, don’t you think guys? I couldn’t think of a better group to spend the last night of 2018 with”. The rest of them cheered and blabbered about all the cool things they’ve experienced during the year. In the midst of the loud discussion Jaehyun raised his hand to silence them down.  
“I think we should all give our warmest thanks to our leader-nim, Taeyong Hyung. He’s been taking bullet after bullet for all of our sake, having our backs in both sunshine and thunderstorms. During all our sleepless nights of training he has still been able to be the most supportive and caring leader I could ever imagine. I don’t think we would be able to sit here together as a group if it wasn’t for his sake. Let’s make him proud and be even better during next year’s world tour” Jaehyun looked around the table while the other members cheered and clapped their hands. Mark exclaimed “Hell yeah” in English and clapped his hands eagerly, while Taeil who sat next to Taeyong gave him a rounds of hard pats on his back.

“I don’t think we deserve Yongie-hyung to be honest” Doyoung added. Taeyong was startled by Jaehyun’s words alone and looked down in his lap, feeling extremely embarrassed but grateful.

Johnny raised his glass and said “We’re truly blessed to have him here to babysit this crazy herd of kids. As his roomie I can confirm that he always puts you and our fans first, come what may”. Jungwoo stood up and hugged the redhead from behind, giving him a huge wet kiss on his cheek. Taeyong chuckled coyly and “enough, enough”. Jungwoo left to his own seat and Taeyong looked up, feeling his emotions rolling over him like a tidal wave. He was so, so, grateful and full of love. He looked at each and every one before his gaze got stuck on Jaehyun’s puffy dimpled cheeks like they were made of honey.

“I love you-“ He started to say, but his breath hitched, when Jaehyun’s caramel eyes met his once again.  
Those eyes. That man.

In the corner of his eye he saw Johnny’s smile turning stern, and he fell back to the cold hard ground of reality again.

“I love you all so much, guys. I’ll do anything to see you, well, us, succeed.” He paused and locked his eyes on his hands, seeing Jaehyun turning his gaze down too. “ You’re special, every single one of you. I wish we could all celebrate together, but then again I’m glad Yuta, Winwin and Haechan gets to spend time with their families. I’m already celebrating with my family, and that’s you, guys. Thank you for everything, really.”

Taeyong’s voice started to crack by the end and he pinched his arm hard under the table to stop himself from tearing up. It was true, though. The shy, shy, introverted boy of his youth would have needed this kind of recognition Words weren’t enough to describe how grateful he was for his members. This is what truly made him feel purposeful. Johnny smiled comfortingly. “We love you too, Taeyong”.

The redhead felt overwhelmed. He was so grateful for his life, and for the love he got. He was probably the luckiest person in the whole wide world. But why did it still feel like there’s a big dark hollow inside his heart? He’d always had it, and he had tried to stuff it with music, with movies, with games, with food, with sex, with SM, with the love he got from his family, his dog, his managers… But nothing seemed to be enough. The hole inside him was heavy like a collapsed star, pulling everything he offered to it in and destroying it in an instance. It had never really gotten any smaller. He’s not that cheesy to think that Jaehyun alone might be able to fill the emptiness inside his heart either – no, It was more complicated than that. It’s like a flaw, deeply rooted in his persona – maybe it is a factual part of his persona that he can’t get rid off? And here he was, surrounded by people who loved him dearly, and it made him feel so incredibly guilty not to be able to say that he’s 100% happy in this situation. He started to feel his eyes burning again, and with a few quiet words to Johnny and Taeil next to him he excused himself and walked quickly out of the room. Behind him he heard Johnny say “Jae, go see after him, will you” and Jaehyun rising up from his chair.  
He found his way out to the balcony and stepped outside to get hit by the cold air of December in Seoul. He closed his eyes and savored the feeling of a cold breeze cooling his face down. A bit of fresh air would surely calm him down. He heard someone opening the door from inside, and Taeyong wasn’t surprised when Jaehyun emerged, eyes wide with worry.

“Hyung, you freeze easily, come back in”

“Just a few more minutes, I’m burning up in there”

The younger boy stepped hesitantly out onto the balcony before closing the door behind him. He stepped around the balcony, taking in the view, scanning his surroundings to make sure no-one was around or no-one could see them from the inside. He then stopped next to Taeyong and scratched his neck nervously.  
“You okay?”  
Taeyong nodded and kept looking at the horizon.  
“So… Uhm... do you want to talk about it?” Taeyong shrugged at the question, still not saying a word, tightening his crossed arms over his chest. The other sighed and crossed his arms as well.  
“You’re upset with me, I get it, I promise I didn’t mean the thing I said, it was a misundersta-“

Taeyong interrupted him. “It’s not that, forget about it already”

Jaehyun turned to face him. His soft, handsome face looked so, so troubled. Taeyong hated himself for causing that face to get all wrinkled up from anguish.

“Then what is it?”

The redhead looked briefly into his eyes before fixing his gaze on some lights in the horizon. He was starting to feel cold, but he didn’t need curious eyes and ears inside the restaurant witnessing this discussion. It was bad enough that Johnny knew, even though he was grateful for the older boy to have ordered Jaehyun to go after him. He shivered, and rubbed his arms under the thin shirt he was wearing.  
Jaehyun noticed his unease and took his own satin jacket off, handing it over to the smaller boy. “Here”.  
It was a nice gesture, alright, making Taeyong’s heart pound a little faster. He put the jacket over his shoulders, relishing the scent of Jaehyun’s cologne stuck to the fabric. “You always smell so good” he said in a small voice. The younger shifted nervously his weight from leg to leg.  
Taeyong continued. “Jaehyunnie, what is it that you want?”

Jaehyun turned his gaze down to his shoes, exhaling loudly through his mouth. He was thinking.  
His mouth opened and closed a few times before he looked back up at Taeyong.

“Considering us, you mean?”

“Yes”

“Well, what do you want?” Jaehyun was jittery, probably getting a little agitated because he wasn’t comfortable with answering questions like this. Taeyong forgave him for his cowardness, though.

He looked him deep into his caramel brown eyes, scanning his face for all hint of emotion. He loved this man, he knew that for sure. Was it worth risking the concupiscent affair they both enjoyed for a chance to reveal his true feelings? Would it end altogether if Jaehyun didn’t feel the same? Could he continue kissing him devotedly behind closed doors knowing that the other would never respond with the same passion? He couldn’t stand the thought of being used, though. The pride he still had in himself came first in this matter. Therefor it was probably better to just be honest and take the consequences if the game didn’t turn out in his favor. Jaehyun deserved honesty, too. They all deserved honesty.

Suddenly he felt his heart sting with longing for Ten. Ten had always been honest with him, always. He wondered what the Thai boy was up to tonight. He knew he would go find him if this ended in disaster.

“Jaehyunnie, I want more…. I need you more, more than … this” He gestured vaguely at the space between them.

Jaehyun’s ears turned red, but he didn’t respond. The corner of his mouth twitched a little.  
Taeyong continued.

“I can’t deal with acting like nothing happened between us. I think about you and me all the time. I analyze every move you do, and it drives me crazy. I need you to acknowledge me more”

He rubbed his eyes before covering his mouth with his hands, waiting for Jaehyun to respond. Jaehyun looked out at the horizon with furrowed brows. Taeyong hoped he wasn’t thinking too much. If he had feelings for him he should just let it out, there was no use in prolonging this awkwardness.

“You are my sun and my moon, you must have known?”  
He hated how weak and desperate he sounded. He hated how his voice trembled. He hated himself in that moment, for being such a pathetic coward, possessed by desire and beauty. Jaehyun was still not looking at him. He was still like a statue, focusing on the skyline of their hometown. The city made just for them.

Taeyong raised his voice a little, afraid it would crack otherwise.  
“Jaehyun, don’t you like me back? Please, tell me what you feel, don’t leave me hanging like this”

When he still found himself without a response from his lover he pulled his hat lower and started pacing back and forth. He felt his chest constricting again and his breath was getting shallow. He did not want to get a panic attack here, it would just emphasize how whipped he was for this man. The world started spinning in front of his eyes, and he saw Jaehyun looking down at his own shoes again. Was it going to end like this? In silence? In nothing but awkward silence? How on earth was he going to explain this to his members, when they will find him devastated with his heart broken into a thousand pieces? But then again, who cares what they will think? He was losing here anyways.

“Oh my god” he muttered before leaning against the wall of the balcony, letting his knees bend under and sliding down to sit on the cold ground. So this was it? Jaehyun couldn’t say anything to his confession? How could he let him embarrass himself like this? There were too many questions.  
“If you respect me the slightest you could at least say something”

The comment apparently got to Jaehyun who finally opened his red mouth.  
“Hyung, calm down” He said in a smooth voice sounding like a waterfall made out of the milkiest of chocolate. Taeyong wanted to scream back at him, but he kept his lips tightly sealed shut.

Jaehyun put his hands behind his neck and exhaled loudly. Then he finally turned to face Taeyong and looked down on the boy sitting curled up against the wall. Surprisingly enough, Jaehyun’s eyes were red-rimmed.

“Hyung-.. Taeyong.” He paused and ran his hand through his smooth locks. “Taeyong, listen. I’m afraid of falling in love. I’m afraid of falling in love with you. With you of all people”

The redhead froze, and pulled Jaehyun’s jacket tighter around him.  
He forced himself to answer, and a timid voice left his lips. “What are you afraid of?”

“What not to be afraid of? The guys might accept us, manager-hyung even, but the company? They would tear us apart in a heartbeat”

They both knew that. Taeyong just refused to believe that was the reason not to love him back. “The company couldn’t fire us, there’s too much money invested in this project and both of us are crucial to them”

“YOU are, I am not”. Jaehyun looked incredibly hurt saying those words. It touched the older, considering how confident Jaehyun usually was in his own abilities.

“We could keep it a secret. I would rather live a lie than be without you”

“But it’s not just that…” Jaehyun swore for himself before continuing. “How could I ever be enough to you? You’re a superstar, you’re probably the prettiest idol in Asia, and people admire you all around the world. How could I ever feel worthy beside you? Could I trust you? What if I fall in love with you and, and, and you leave me after getting tired of having sex with me or something like that? I don’t wanna be the next Ten”

“Do not drag Ten into this, Jae. He’s innocent. We were never in a relationship”

“Yes, you were, you’re just lying to yourself”

Taeyong scoffed. “You’re seriously that jealous?”

“Yes, and I would be jealous of everyone who got your slightest attention if we got to be together. I wouldn’t stand anyone lying eyes upon you with a less than innocent approach. I love our fans, I don’t wanna be jealous of our fans, and I would probably be dead jealous about them too”.

Taeyong sighed and stood up, brushing off dust from his pants. Then he grabbed hold of Jaehyun’s shoulders and looked him deeply in his eyes. Jaehyun looked utterly terrified, and it hurt him, a lot. He wrapped his arms around his neck and hugged him tightly, until he felt Jaehyun’s arms finding their way to Taeyong’s lower back. They stood like that for a while, just breathing in each other’s scent, sharing their warmth in the chilly weather of last December.

He buried his face in Jaehyun’s neck, and he soon felt Jaehyun starting to relax. The fingers pressed up his back grabbed the fabric of his clothing harder.

His face was still pressed against Jaehyun when he spoke up with a partly muffled voice.  
“Jaehyunnie, you think too much. Just answer this question. Do you want me?”

Jaehyun swallowed. “I … “

Taeyong lifted his hand to cup his cheek, and stroke the delicate white skin under his eye with his thumb.

“Do you want my body?” He whispered seductively.

“Yeah” the other breathed, fingering on the hem of Taeyong’s pants at his lower back.

“Do you want my admiration, my devotion, my unconditional attention? If you don’t want that, tell me now”

“I do want that.”Jaehyun closed his eyes.

“You want me to hold your hand when you’re afraid, do you want me to rub your neck when you’re tense, do you want to wake up with my messy hair pressed up against your chest?”

“I… I want to believe so” Taeyong placed his other hand on Jaehyun’s nape and caressed it gently.

His eyes were burning for the third time that evening. Jaehyun was so incredibly handsome in the dim light. How could he ever survive without this man? “Jaehyunnie, I want everything about you”

“I know that now, Hyung”

Taeyong placed a kiss on his cheek before burrowing his face against Jaehyun’s neck again. He felt so much more confident now than fifteen minutes ago.

“I’m gonna go home for a couple of days, can’t you think about it while I’m away?”

“I’ll try,” he answered.

“Don’t think too much though,” Taeyong said with a smile spreading across his pretty face. Jaehyun chuckled.

The next second they heard the door opening. They quickly let go of each other and jumped to stand awkwardly by the railing of the balcony. Taeyong was obviously still wearing Jaehyun’s jacket, hoping it wouldn’t awake any suspicion. But on the other hand, after what they’d just been talking about, would it really matter?

Doyoung, Johnny, Taeil, Mark and Jungwoo stepped out to the balcony. Johnny was holding a bottle of champagne and some glasses.

“Oh so here you aaaare guys, we thought you were gonna miss the changing of the year!”

Taeyong looked at his phone and noticed that the clock was just a few minutes ‘til midnight.

“Uhm, yes, I just needed to breathe” Taeyong muttered, while grabbing the glass Johnny pushed into his face.  
Jungwoo grabbed Jaehyun from the behind and hugged him, complaining about how cold he must be wearing only a thin dress shirt. Jaehyun’s ear were bright red, matching the redness the cold was biting on the tip of his nose.

The other guys blabbered and laughed, obviously under the influence of alcohol. Johnny came up to Taeyong and showed him the screen of his phone. He had been chatting with Ten, who apparently just finished up with his WayV preparations and now asked where’s the party at. Taeyong chuckled, not sure what to think of Johnny’s excitement regarding the message. If he wasn’t so occupied with the things he and Jaehyun had discussed he would probably start teasing the older about his sudden interest in the Thaiboy’s whereabouts.

A little later, they were counting down the New Year with glasses in their hands. Taeyong felt so relieved, happy that he’d be ending the year on good terms with Jaehyun. He hesitantly put his free arm around Jaehyun’s waist. Once they’d reach zero with their counting they clinked their glasses together and cheered for the start of 2019.

“Happy new year everyone!” Mark screamed from the balcony, spreading his arms to welcome the night of Seoul.

“Can’t one of you give me a kiss since it’s New Year’s eve?” Jungwoo exclaimed with faked sadness. Taeil hugged Jungwoo and pecked his cheek while everyone was laughing.

Taeyong felt Jaehyun looking at him, and he turned his head to meet his eyes. Jaehyun was giving him a wide, dimpled smile, eyes flickering between Taeyong’s eyes and his pouty lips. Jaehyun took one more sip of his drink as to encourage himself.  
“Happy New Year, Hyung” he then said and leaned in to give Taeyong a soft kiss right on the mouth. The older’s cheeks flamed up in a bright red when he felt the others staring open mouthed at them. He heard Mark exclaiming his signature oh-my-gawd next to him. Jaehyun pulled away and laughed softly at his Hyung’s reaction.

“Ah, I’m jealous, I too want a kiss from Jaehyunnie-hyung!” Jungwoo wailed.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's dialogue heavy but that's fun to write, promise it'll get less angsty at some point?

Taeyong sits at his family’s dinner table, watching his mother cooking relentlessly in the kitchen. She’s stressed since her son arrived earlier than she expected for their New Year’s lunch.  
  
“Mother, slow down, I can wait, I’m not even that hungry” he whined.  
  
“A man your age should be hungry! You’re turning into skin and bones again” She snapped back at him while stirring two different pots at the same time.  
  
“Mom…”  
  
“Are they not feeding you at SM? They aren’t forcing you on some stupid diet again, are they?”  
Taeyong sighed. His mother had all the right to be worried, she hadn’t seen him in a while. He had promised himself to be a good son these two days and stuff himself full with his mother’s cooking regardless of his level of hunger. He was happy to be home, of course. He was happy to see his parents, and equally happy to hug his dog Ruby. Ruby’s kisses were the best ones. Always purely nothing but of unconditional love.  
  
He had the dog in his lap and stroked the furry ears contently.  Jaehyun always thought he and Ruby shared the same big puppy eyes. The thought of him having Ruby’s eyes instead of his own made him chuckle lightly.  
  
His mother started to set the table. “Everything’s good with you and the boys?”  
  
“Well Donghyuck is injured as you know… That’s been quite some setback for us, having to replace him in all songs… But he’s probably having an awesome time back at his family’s house so we’re okay. And Winwin’s busy with our new Chinese unit, so we’re not seeing him that much. Other than that, I guess everything’s fine”  
  
His mother laughed. “I can’t comprehend how you all can still be friends after living with each other for that long, I would have probably have strangled my girlfriends years ago if I were in your situation”  
  
Taeyong smiled widely at his mother. Even though Taeyong got his looks from his dad his mother is still a true beauty. His mother always joked that she wouldn’t let him marry a less than gorgeous person that would ruin their genetic line. He hadn’t had the heart to tell her that he wouldn’t probably be having kids in the future, at least not with the person he feels he’s destined to love.  
  
Once or twice his imagination took him to his and his lover’s future day of marriage, and he wished that his parents would be as happy for him as they had been for his older sister when she got married. He cringed by the thought alone and swiped it away with the rest of the endless stream of thoughts. Wow, their fans though – they would absolutely lose their minds if they knew he was imagining him and Jaehyun getting married one day.

  
  
  
  
Jaehyun, yes.  
  
Jaehyun kissed him yesterday in front of everyone. It was just a chaste kiss, and could be interpreted as an innocent friendly kiss just-for-the-lol’s-and-to-make-Jungwoo-jealous, but it still awoke some questioning among their members. No-one had commented it (expect for Mark who was shocked), but Johnny had given him a warm hug and said “I’m glad you two are okay again” before Taeyong got into his taxi. The redhead was mentally too tired to stay at the party, so he silently left after wishing everyone a happy new year. He didn’t know were Johnny went clubbing afterwards, he didn’t know if Jaehyun and gone with him – all he knew was that Jaehyun had promised to think about their relationship.  
  
Taeyong didn’t want stuff to get awkward again so he had texted him as soon as he got a reason to do so. His mother wanted to send her regards to him and his parents so it was a good excuse to start a conversation. Jaehyun, polite as ever, had sent her a personal text with his kindest regards, before continuing the chat with Taeyong asking how he felt. Taeyong thought about a million ways to answer the question before settling with a boring “okay, and you?” He didn’t want to appear too eager, or desperate, or… seriously why was he even thinking about these things?  
  
He put away his phone when he noticed that Jaehyun had gone offline anyway.  
  
  
  
  
  
They had already started their family lunch when Taeyong felt the familiar vibration of his phone. His first reaction was to drop his chopsticks and rip out his phone from his jeans pockets. Then he remembered that he was at his family’s house, and put the phone away without looking at the screen.  
   
“Sorry, our table manners back at the dorm are pretty useless” he said when he felt his dad giving him a judgmental look.  
  
“Don’t worry Honey, this is your home. If it’s something important you can answer” his mother said with the warmest of smiles.  
  
Taeyong shook his head and bowed his head slightly. No, it’s not important.  
  
She continued teasingly. “Is it some girl chatting with you that you’re hiding from us?”  
  
Taeyong’s sister scoffed and gave a knowing look in her little brother’s way. “I don’t think little brother wants a girlfriend”  
  
“Unnie!” He felt his cheeks getting red. “We’re not allowed”. The rest of the family laughed kindly . “And for your information Mother, it’s not some girl”.

 

  
  
Apparently Jaehyun had gone out partying with Johnny and Mark yesterday. They had apparently met up with Ten and some of the new Chinese debutés. Mark had gotten drunk and asked Jaehyun if he was gay, undoubtedly not knowing about him dating regular guys outside the company. When Jaehyun hadn’t denied it the younger boy got quite confused and acted weird around the older for some time before forgetting about the discussion altogether. Apparently he was so wasted that Jaehyun had to call a taxi and accompany him home. Taeyong felt pretty bad about leaving the younger Canadian boy with his partyminded Hyungs, not thinking about the impact it might have on him. Jaehyun assured him that Mark too is an adult and is not solely Taeyong’s responsibility just because he’s their leader.  
Taeyong was lying in his bed with Ruby in his lap and his phone in his hand. It was getting late already, and his parents had already gone to sleep. He decided to keep their chat going.  
  
_“Jae, btw, how do u feel about yesterday? Have you had the time to think about it?_ ”  
When Jaehyun didn’t reply immediately he sent another text.  
  
_“Do you think it was stupid of me?”_  
  
And another.  
  
_“Hey have you thought about it?_ ”  
  
Jaehyun finally answered.  
_“No it wasn’t stupid, Hyung. I’ve just been too hangover today to think clearly. I’m seriously thinking about it, I promise_ ”  
  
The weight on Taeyong’s chest lifted a little.  
_“Okay, I’ll wait, I’ll wait the rest of the year if I need to.”_  
Or forever, he thought sadly.  
  
Jaehyun’s answer plopped up on his screen after some time. _“I’m thinking about you, though”_  
  
Taeyong exhaled loudly, causing Ruby to fix those curious big eyes on him. The tips of his fingers were tingling when he typed back.  
  
_“What about me?”_  
  
_“I’m thinking about your smooth skinny thighs”_  
  
Wow, okay, dude, this was new and certainly unexpected.  
  
Taeyong quickly jumped to his feet to check his door was locked, even though no-one would hear his texts anyway. He felt him getting hot under his pyjamas, but crawled back to bed and pulled the covers on as to hide himself. Ruby winced and settled down to sleep next to his legs.  
  
Jaehyun continued before he got the courage to answer.  
  
“ _Do you still have those short shorts you used to wear years ago? I wish you had those on stage, grinding on me, in front of everyone…_ ”  
   
Taeyong hesitantly typed back, face flushed of embarrassment.  
  
“ _I thought you’d want me naked”_  
  
“ _Patience! So you’ll grind me and then I’ll lift you up and carry you off stage”_  
  
Pause.  
“ _And then I’ll rip all your clothes off and kiss your thighs until they’re wet and shining”_  
  
Taeyong swallowed nervously. “ _Go on.”_  
  
“ _And you’ll beg me for more”_  
  
_“…And?”_  
  
_“Beg”_  
Taeyong couldn’t deny he was getting aroused, but this kind of talk was definitely way out of his comfort zone. He had to think about his answer for a long time.  
  
_“I’d beg you to please me with your mouth, and if you’d refuse, I’d pull your hair hard and force you down on me because I just can’t live without your mouth, and I wouldn’t let you go before you would make me scream your name”_  
  
He held his breath until the answer came.  
  
_“Wow Hyung”_  
  
Jaehyun continued typing.  
_“First of all, I would never refuse, unless you’ve been very bad, that is. But I know you’re a very good boy”_  
  
_“I will be good for you, I promise”_  
  
_“I know that and I’ll fuck you thoroughly the way you deserve it. But if you’re causing me trouble, I’ll just need to fuck you so much harder so they can hear you all the way to Lee Soo-Man’s office”_  
  
_“Can’t wait to cause some trouble, baby”_ Taeyong shuddered a little when typing that cringeworthy endearment.  
  
“ _I want to see you Hyung, send me a selca”_  
  
_“Sorry don’t wanna disturb Ruby with the light”_  
  
_“Ah shit I suppose you’re not gonna disturb Ruby by wanking off to my voice either”_  
  
_“Obviously not, you idiot”_  
  
_“Damn Hyung,  what am I gonna do now”_  
  
He decided not you answer since he was getting hopelessly tired. Taeyong tried his best to think unsexy thoughts so the burning in his lower stomach would stop and let him go to sleep. His phone lit up again though - Jaehyun was apparently not done yet.  
  
“ _I watched some footage from our recent shows...  I got hard, Hyung, so hard just by watching you dance in front of thousands of people including me. Imagine if that happened on stage? You’re so dangerous to me, Hyung_ ”  
  
His cheeks flushed red again in the darkness. Oh, with this rate he’s never going to fall asleep. Think unsexy thoughts, think unsex-  
  
Jaehyun’s name lit up again on his screen.  
“ _You wanna see? You wanna see what you do to me_?”  
  
Taeyong didn’t get to answer before he got a short video from Jaehyun. He was obviously at his parents’ house too, so he the room was dimly lit and he was whispering. The video lasted only a few seconds, and it was Jaehyun smiling topless in his bed, bangs covering his eyes, dimples showing. If you knew what to look for, what Taeyong obviously did, you could see the bulging under the covers. The younger boy on the video whispered “ _Good night Hyung”_ in his low radio voice before the clip ended.  
  
His own bulge in his boxers was pulsating badly, and he thought about touching himself, but he wouldn’t do it in front of the dog and he couldn’t be bothered to go to the bathroom either.  
  
“J _ae stop it, you’re hot I get it but I need to sleep ;____; Good night~_ ”  
  
Jaehyun sent him one last kissing emoji before Taeyong decided it was time to put away his phone. His cheeks were fucking burning.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Taeyong was on his way back to the dorms. It had been a good couple of days at his parent’s house, but he hadn’t been able to relax at all due to his mind wandering everywhere it should not be. Ruby was the only thing keeping him from climbing the walls in his room. His mother had noticed his tension too.  
  
“Don’t lose yourself in that idol life, you’re still too young to burn out” she had told him with worry in her wise eyes, when he had proudly explained their upcoming tour concept. “And don’t let them die your hair for a few months; it’s so dry it stings when I touch it. Girls won’t like it”. _No they like hair soft like Jaehyun’s_. Taeyong promised her that he would try to convince them to let the red fade out on its own.  
  
“And I can assure you I would feel way more relaxed if there weren’t thousands of girls wanting to touch my hair wherever I go”.

He had texted Jaehyun the night before about when he was gonna go back to the dorms. He was growing way too impatient for his own liking, and had additionally asked him if he wanted to meet up for a coffee and talk things through. He was utterly surprised when the younger said no, telling him that he wasn’t prepared to have a serious conversation so soon. Taeyong’s mind started wandering trying to figure out why he wasn’t ready to talk about his obviously everything but platonic friendship with his group’s leader.  
  
Well, the obvious reason was in the question itself – what a horribly awkward situation to be in for a young man like Jaehyun. Taeyong had to be the adult here once again, and with Ten’s sneering about how it’ll never work out in the back of his mind he decided to stop analyzing. Gosh, he really hated to grow older – it didn’t suit his free-spirited naïve persona one bit.  
  
He picked up his phone and started scrolling through their busy schedule. Some major events were scheduled for this month; ISAC, SMtown in Chile (he was looking forward the warmth for sure), the SMA’s, their very first own concert’s in Seoul… Then it struck him; did he actually have time for this silly drama with Jaehyun? He was supposed to lead this group through their first real tour, and he for sure couldn’t handle the obstacles to come if he was busy crying over some boy. He frowned, and shook his head for himself. No, he had to focus his energy now; gather strength to dance through the night and inspire his members. They’d already lost Haechan to injury and Winwin to China; they couldn’t do it if Taeyong himself wasn’t 100% with his head in the game. And he had to think about Jaehyun too – he would probably not have allowed Jaehyun to have a girlfriend nor a boyfriend at an important stage of their career like this.  
  
So he ended up texting “ _it’s ok, forget about it, get some rest_ ” and decided to transfer his troubled feelings to his future self.  
  
  
  
  
  
Easier said than done, though. The first few days back together in the dorm went surprisingly well. Haechan had decided to return to the dorms to visit his friends for a while. The maknae cheered them all up tremendously, spreading joy and cheers around their otherwise almost maturely calm dorm.  They were all busy preparing for their upcoming tour, so especially Taeyong didn’t have time to linger around Jaehyun longer than necessary while managing the group. A few times he caught Jaehyun looking at him with heavy lidden eyes, eyeing down his body to stop to stare at his lips. Taeyong had to fight the urge to drag him aside to answer that hunger with his own mouth, but luckily  the stress of their tight time schedule would have made it a risky business anyways. A few nights Jaehyun sent him some slightly heated messages, but usually Taeyong was in all honesty drop dead tired from their busy day and managed to keep his responses innocently neutral but affective.  Jaehyun himself started to learn how to bowl in preparation for his ISAC games, which furtherly reduced their time spent in each other’s proximity.  
  
Taeyong was pleased that no-one had decided to start teasing them about that kiss Jaehyun surprisingly gave him during New Year’s Eve. Johnny, who obviously knew about them, mentioned it the first night Taeyong was back at the dorms.  
  
“The guys saw it as a cute thing for Jaehyun to do at New Year’s Eve since there were no girls around to kiss. I mean like, Jungwoo tries to kiss everyone all the time and no-one minds him for that either”  
  
“So you think we’re cool?”  
  
“Yeah”  
  
“You think it’s a cute casual thing for Jaehyun to do?”  
  
Johnny sighed. “Well since your “relationship” is the most confusing thing I’ve ever witnessed I can’t really tell why he did it”  
  
Taeyong didn’t need to answer that. He was just happy to have a friend like Johnny to trust.  
He chuckled and said “I wonder what would happen if one of us actually kissed poor Jungwoo back”  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


It was the day of the ISAC games. They were all dressed up in ugly but ridiculously comfy green track suits. Of all the weird things they come up to do with idols – a sports contest, really? But hearing how loud the fans were screaming it was probably a brilliant idea for sponsors and their record companies. And well, it was fun and games after all – it was really uplifting to get to do something silly and physical completely different from their normal job. He was very nervous for his archery though – he knew it wasn’t that serious, and that no-one of them had actually practiced it for more than a couple of times just before the games, but the perfectionist in him couldn’t handle a failure, especially not in front of the cameras. Recently, he’d found himself comfortable in the role of the quirky fool of their group. It’s funny to think how much he hated doing aegyo before his debut, while he nowadays basically relies on it as a defense mechanism when he gets anxious. It’s after all a somewhat extreme defense mechanism for a shy, quiet guy like him.  But with his looks he couldn’t afford being shy, unfortunately. He actually liked his new carefree attitude. The fans loved it, and his innermost anxieties were being well hidden under his colorful fluffy shell.  
  
Today the cameras were everywhere, and he could never know when someone was focusing on him solely. He was used to be able to relax while sitting in an audience watching other people perform, but now he felt utterly exposed in his green track suit at the side of the arena. Maybe it was the concert-prepping too that weighed heavily on his shoulders. Not being able to have Sicheng and Donghyuck with them. Maybe it was the pimple throbbing to emerge under his skin. He tried to hide his face the best he could, not knowing if it was a good idea hearing how loudly his fans were screaming about how cute he looked with his pulled up hoodie.   On the other hand, his fans were his everything, so he decided to leave his seat among the rest of the members to greet his fans instead. It was a weird feeling seeing people going completely crazy just by seeing him pull a funny face. It was a nice feeling to be loved. He thoroughly felt thankful for the love his fans poured on him.  
  
They were getting pretty tired of just sitting and waiting for other teams to finish up. It was fun interacting with the other groups present, but at some point their managed asked them to stick together for better video footage when the game was being broadcasted. He was sitting next to Jaehyun, happy that there hadn’t been any major distress between them for a few days. He saw the main camera focusing on them and smiled slightly when he heard their fans screams getting louder. He knew about the fanculture, obviously - they all had to be aware of it not to be freaked out when googling their own names too much. He had once googled his and Jaehyun’s so called “couple” name, neither surprised nor shocked when he found down right obscene content that he never wished his parents to stumble upon. He hadn’t googled it again and he never, ever, talked about it.  
  
“I’m getting bored of just sitting here waiting” Jaehyun said while hitting his lightstick against his leg.  
  
“I know right, my ass is getting sore from this sitting. I can’t feel my thighs anymore” Taeyong answered while rubbing his thighs that in fact where getting numb.  
  
Suddenly he felt a familiar hand gripping the underside of his thigh. Jaehyun squeezed a few times before changing his grip and brushing his fingers up Taeyong’s inner thigh.  Taeyong felt the squeeze right through his spine, fueling the fire he’s been trying to put out for the last few days. However, and thankfully, the feeling of panic was equally strong.  
  
“Jae, don’t“ he said quietly but sharply, seeing Jaehyun releasing his grip to rub his own thigh instead.  
  
“Uhm, yeah my legs are quite sore too after all this bowling”. His ears were reddening.  
  
“Damn you guys are weird…” Doyoung was mumbling next to them.  
  
Oh gosh, exactly this was what he didn’t want to happen in front of the cameras. Jaehyun managed to save the situation quickly, but he couldn’t risk the obviously spicy tension between them being seen public in front of fifty cameras. He wished he had the strength to scorn Jaehyun for being that careless but he really couldn’t. He wasn’t even ashamed to admit it to himself that he had been aching for that touch.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is long :) Thank you guys for reading so far <3 It means a lot.

  
“Have you thought about it?”

Jaehyun turned around to look at Taeyong who was sitting in the sofa across Jaehyun’s bowling lane. It was the day before his big game, so Taeyong probably shouldn’t be asking him stressful questions – but he just couldn’t help it. Even though he promised himself to keep Jaehyun off his mind, it was way easier said than done considering how the younger squeezed his thigh publicly and shot him more or less provocative glances. Which one of them was the one not to get the message?

“About what?” he said with the cutest smile.

Taeyong brushed his pink hair through with his fingers and looked down at his own feet.  
  
“About us. Again”

Jaehyun put his bowling ball down.“Oh. Now?”

“Well yes, now. I must have asked you like five times already during these two weeks”. Every time he asked he felt more and more pitiful, since Jaehyun always answered with a being either too busy or too tired to have a long private talk. It would have been so much easier to stop asking if Jaehyun’s actions spoke clearly about not being interested, but as long as Jaehyun touched him tenderly or watched him longingly Taeyong felt that he just couldn’t give up yet. It gnawed him in the back of his mind, and even though Ten had told him to just let everything cool down for a few weeks and gather his thoughts, Taeyong just couldn’t shut up about it.

Jaehyun came to sit down next to Taeyong and put a confident hand on his knee. One simple touch was everything needed to keep Taeyong from giving up. The younger could touch him however much he wanted (well, almost, their privacy was limited) but a simple talk about feelings and rules and all that nasty stuff that comes with new relationships seemed to be a complete no-go. Taeyong hated existing in this limbo, and the more time that went, the more he felt like some kind of a stuffed toy to drag along when his owner felt like it. He wanted to remove that hand from his knee. But he couldn’t, he just couldn’t.

“Hey, Hyung, I’m sorry right, but I’ve had my mind on this game. I’ll promise, I’ll be prepared to talk about it after this game, right?”

Taeyong didn’t answer, since he was pretty sure that Jaehyun wouldn’t keep that promise. On the other hand, it was pretty much for the better. After the game they were going to perform at the SMA’s, and since Taeyong would be having a solo stage there he naturally preferred to concentrate fully on that instead of silly drama.

“Sure, I’ll wait” He replied with a small smile. He quickly put his own hand over Jaehyun’s to squeeze it, careful that no-one around was watching. “But let’s just say I’ll ask you one more time. If you’re not ready then I’ll stop asking”. He removed his hand from Jaehyun’s, who shifted his position and brushed his hand through his soft locks. He nodded, and stood up to pick up his bowling ball again.

“By the way, you’re coming tomorrow right?”

When Taeyong nodded Jaehyun burst out into a wide smile. He’s such a heartache, Taeyong thought before pinching his cheek a little. Such a blue eyed baby. Of course he’d be there cheering. He wouldn’t miss it for anything in the world.

 

 

 

Johnny and Taeyong accompanied Jaehyun to the bowling games, all three of them being more nervous than they were ready to admit to each other. To everyone’s surprise, Jaehyun turned out to be an amazingly talented rookie bowler, scoring record high points with strike after strike. Johnny and Taeyong felt like embarrassingly loud dads watching their son’s football game, but luckily Jaehyun appreciated all of their cheering. Taeyong felt incredibly proud watching Jaehyun play, imagining another reality where he could tell everyone “that’s MY man” when the scores got higher next to Jaehyun’s name.

“Wow I don’t know what doping he’s been having but I want them too” Johnny said and clapped his hands eagerly when Jaehyun managed to clear a split. Their dongsaeng’s eyes were glistening with excitement, equally surprised with his abilities to perform in a competitive situation. He was so modest in his own excitement that it was hard to believe that the same man could spellbound any audience with just a few powerful moves of his hips. Regardless of his recent almost egocentric behavior towards his pining lover Jaehyun was a humble guy after all. In moments like these Taeyong forgot all of his grudges against the younger boy and showed him as much love as he possible could in front of the crowds of the bowling alley. He massaged his neck and played with his hair, letting his fingers lay soothingly on Jaehyun’s nape to keep him calm. He missed this normal endearing interaction between them, the likes they had before all the drama and strong sexual tension that had caused it all to fall out of balance. His finger’s belonged on Jaehyun’s skin - It was his way of showing him how proud he was on his younger member.  
  
“You’re doing such a good job, Jaehyunnie” He said with a smile and rubbed the nape of his neck.  
Jaehyun chuckled and looked down into his hands, before slightly leaning into Taeyong’s ear.

“I like it when you touch me like that” He whispered, before getting up from the seat to continue his turn in the game. Taeyong’s cheeks blushed, but he concealed it in a few cheering screams that soon were being repeated by the fans behind them.

Johnny nudged his arm.  
“He really loves it when you praise him”

“I know.”

Jaehyun didn’t win the games, but he did marvelously, exceeding everyone’s expectations including his own.

 

 

 

  
The Seoul Music Awards followed the next day. Taeyong had choreographed his own solo stage so he was pretty nervous about the reaction he would get from the audience. He had recently become more comfortable showing his own choreos and wanted to prove to everyone that he was exactly as enchanting on stage as he was under the paparazzi’s lenses. Some would say his dance was sexy, some would say provocative considering his gender, but Taeyong didn’t care what they said as long as they thoroughly enjoyed every move of his slender body. He would never achieve the same manly sex appeal that dancers like Jaehyun and Mark expressed, but he could do it in his own way, embracing his own femininity while being powerful and proud in the body he was born to have.As it’s been proven many times already, he loves to dance more than anything, and this feeling of showing his true exposed self in front of thousands of people was a truly exhilarating, almost arousing experience.If he had the choice, he would have claimed Jaehyun’s mouth into a rough kiss the moment he entered the stage to participate in their Simon Says stage. Indeed, he had to fight the urge to run over to him when he saw Jaehyun entering the stage, lips plumped up by shiny lipgloss. He imagined having his own lips painted in a pale red color, having it smudged all over his face when Jaehyun kissed him back fiercly. That brownhaired man with his rice paper skin emitted all the pheromones needed to light Taeyong’s primitive instinct’s ablaze, but fuck, he had no other choice than to dance his arousal away.  
Their performance was a success, and they left the stage both relieved and thrilled at the same time. They had some time to venture backstage for a quick change before returning to their place in the crowd. Taeyong had luckily got a hold of his maddened lust during their performance, which undoubtedly eased the situation while changing. He was just about to leave the artists area when a tall man his age stopped him with his hand on his elbow. Taeyong recognized him as one of the background dancers. He smiled alluringly, and handed over a piece of paper. Taeyong couldn’t drag his gaze off the man’s piercingly blue eyes, wondering if he wore contacts or not.  
“I really liked watching you dance. I know you’re busy, but if you’re free some evening feel free to call”. Taeyong was taken aback by the depth of the tall man’s voice, and mumbled a thanks. The man with the blue eyes gave him a smile before walking away in the opposite direction. He had a good, well-built body, way more muscly than Taeyong ever could dream of having. He looked down at the piece of paper he had in his hand, seeing a scribbled down name and a phone-number accompanied by a heart. How could he be that bold to hit on Taeyong without even introducing himself first? Didn’t he know who he was? He suddenly felt incredibly flustered, and put the piece of paper away into his pocket. He saw some of the other guys waiting for him to come at the end of the corridor. He picked up his pace to follow them out.

Yuta whistled teasingly when Taeyong got up to the rest of the group. Jaehyun, who unfortunately also had witnessed the quick exchange of words, tried his best to look neutral when he asked Taeyong about what the other man had given him.

“Apparently it was his number” Taeyong replied and shrugged his shoulders.

“What? And you took it?” The accusation in Jaehyun’s voice didn’t go unnoticed. Taeyong slowed down his steps and left a little breathing room to the rest of their group before answering Jaehyun.

“What was I supposed to do then? As far as I remember I’m a single man, and I can’t blame anyone for flirting with me”. In the corner of his eye he saw Jaehyun turning sour, and he couldn’t resist pouring a little more salt into Jaehyun’s wounds, considering how he hadn’t made any effort in trying to let Taeyong talk about their sensitive situation privately.

“He was quite handsome too you know, wouldn’t have been fair to turn him down either”.

Jaehyun opened his mouth to say something but chose to swallow his words instead. Taeyong could momentarily smell the air getting vicious between them.

As usual, they were seated next to each other at the gala. Jaehyun hadn’t said anything after their brief conversation in the corridor, and it annoyed Taeyong ever more. What the heck did Jae want? He couldn’t get a grip on the younger man’s intentions – he didn’t want to commit to a relationship but at the same time couldn’t deal with the other being out on the single market either? The more he thought about it, the more pissed he got.

He spotted the background dancer on stage and decided to pick up the piece of paper with his number from his pocket, just to see how Jaehyun would react. He placed the paper on the table in front of him, but since he didn’t get any other reaction from Jaehyun than a disapproving look, he also picked up his phone and unlocked the screen. He wasn’t actually going to text the guy, but as he suspected, Jaehyun couldn’t resist interfering.

“Are you actually going to text that douchebag?” He whispered angrily into his ear.

“Jaehyun dear, does it concern you?” he whispered back with a faked smile. Jaehyun gripped his underarm hard, squeezing so hard that it hurt, and Taeyong was forced to lower his arm from the table.

“Please, Hyung, don’t” He whispered feebly. Taeyong ripped his arm out of his grip, earning a curious look from Yuta who was sitting next to him.

He hissed as loud as he could without getting too much attention. “Jaehyun, what’s wrong with you? Either we talk this through or you stop fucking around with me and what I do with my private life”

Jaehyun stared at him pitifully without saying anything. Taeyong frowned and turned his head to look at the act performing at the moment. It didn’t take more than two minutes before he felt the other’s touch on his elbow again.

“Fine. I’ll talk with you” the younger whispered flustered. When Taeyong didn’t respond in any particular way other than a slight nod, Jaehyun pulled lightly on the hem of his shirt and said “Hyung?” in a little too loud voice, earning looks from both Doyoung and Taeil.

Taeyong shushed him and lent in so close that his lips almost touched the delicate skin in front of Jaehyun’s ears. “Not now, stupid…”

The younger, seemingly ashamed, straightened his back and fixed his eyes on the performers on the stage. Let him think about that for a while now, Taeyong thought.

 

 

 

  
After the show some of them went out to grab some food whilst Taeyong, Yuta and Taeil felt tired and decided to head straight home.  
“I watched your stage on youtube Hyung, it was really good” Yuta said and patted him on his back in the car. He had indeed gotten a lot of praise for his stage, which made him especially happy since he choreographed it himself. He wished Jaehyun would watch it too. Of course he would. Taeil was watching it from his phone, pointing out how incredibly well Mark’s been improving during the last year. “Well I guess dancing next to Jisung in Dream forced him to step up his game” Yuta added. Taeil nodded enthusiastically. “Ooh, Jisung’s amazing, don’t you think Tae?”  
“Fabulous, Hyung” Taeyong agreed.

 

  
Taeyong had just stepped out of the shower when he heard someone knocking on his and Johnny’s door. He quickly put on his bathrobe before opening the door, expecting Johnny to come in. His hair was dripping all over the floor but it couldn’t be helped. He opened the door to find Jaehyun, still wearing his puffy wintercoat on. He looked so handsome with his hair gelled back for the award show. Taeyong suddenly felt exposed in his messy wet hair and old bathrobe.  
“Can I come in?”

Taeyong nodded and stepped aside to let Jaehyun pass him. He closed the door and turned to face Jaehyun.

“You didn’t eat? Where’s John?”  
Jaehyun didn’t answer but stepped closer and grabbed Taeyong’s arms gently. His eyes flickered restlessly on his lips.  
  
“Eyes up here Jae, answer me please”

Jaehyun inhaled hastily, and looked Taeyong in his eyes. He shook his head. “I didn’t eat”. Then he leaned in, lips hovering above Taeyong’s temple, breathing superficially. Taeyong could feel all the hairs on his body getting erect by the sensation of the younger man’s breath on his skin.

“You have a new bodywash, it smells really nice” he almost whispered, and placed the softest of kisses on Taeyong’s cheekbone. The redhead’s breath hitched when the kisses continued down his sharp jaw.

“Jae-“  
Jaehyun pulled him closer, and one of his hands wandered up to grab the older by his neck. He kissed his earlobe, sending chills down Taeyong’s spine all the way to his slightly crooked toe.

“Johnny’s out” He breathed, and pulled back to look Taeyong in the eyes. He bit his own lower lip, making it red and plump and extremely inviting. Taeyong wanted badly to taste those lips, wanted to feel those lips all over his newly showered wet body. But then he remembered the cold ache inside his chest.

He closed his eyes. “Jae. Jaehyun”

Jaehyun pushed wet strands of hair away from Taeyong’s neck before biting down on the sensitive skin. The suction forced an involuntarily moan out of Taeyong’s mouth, making Jaehyun kiss his neck with more hunger. Taeyong frowned to himself but wriggled himself out of Jaehyun’s grip, taking a step back.

“Jaehyun, stop it” he said with his voice as calm as he possibly could hold it.

Jaehyun looked terrified by the sudden rejection, and lifted his hands up. “I’m sor-“

“No, Jaehyun, don’t be. I just…. Please, stop messing around with me”

The younger lifted his hands to his head and ran his fingers through his own hair, letting a gelled strand fall on his forehead. He looked like an American movie star, but Taeyong had to shake the thought out of his head.

“I told you at the gala, please, stop fucking around and tell me what you want”

Jaehyun sighed loudly and sat down on Taeyong’s bed, looking down at his own socks. He ran his hand through his hair again, making it even messier and leaving him looking like the desperate lover he was. His eyes were flickering back and forth, like reading a book. He sat silent like that for a minute or two. What made him hesitate? Hadn’t he planned to answer that question? Hadn’t he thought about Taeyong’s plea at all?

“I want you so bad, Hyung” he finally said, without raising his gaze.  
Of course he did. Taeyong knew that already. He wanted Jaehyun more than anything himself. He wanted to devour him whole, keep him locked in a small box that fit into his own pocket and carve his name into his chest to show the world who he belonged to. But he’d heard that story before, and it wasn’t enough.

“I know that. But I’m not any toy you can fuck around with. And this is the last time I ask you, so please, tell me now what you want of me and you, or I’ll have to ask you to leave”. He couldn’t look at Jaehyun anymore, afraid he would break if he didn’t get the response he so badly wanted. However, the silence between them felt like thousands of small knives scraping the outermost part of his skin, and he had to break it or else he’d be leaving the room himself.

“You… You know how I feel about you. I need more than this, this… this weird touchy feely awkward stuff we’re doing. I can’t do this without you fully, wholeheartedly, on my side. Jaehyun, I …. fuck”

The last words were on the tip of his tongue but they felt too heavy to actually say out loud. He glanced at Jaehyun who still was sitting down staring at his own two feet.

“I….” he begun, but got weak in his knees and had to slide down to the floor with his back against the wall.

Well, here goes nothing, as well as everything.

“I’m in love with you, Jae. I’ve been for so very long, I’ve just suppressed it for years for the fear of it being a fool’s love. But… but now… I need you” He swallowed and exhaled. “I need you, here, by my side, one hundred percent. If you can’t do that, I’ll be fine, I promise, but in that case we need to stop fooling around like this. Because if we continued like this, it would feel like being stabbed repeatedly without ever really passing out”

When he stopped talking, he couldn’t breathe. It felt like he’d spoken his heart and lungs out. Weirdly enough, it felt pretty good – like a heavy weight was lifted off his shoulders, but still being balanced above his head, not knowing if it was to come down to crush him to pieces or not. In his mind he tried to convince himself that he’d be able to puzzle the pieces of himself back together in case the weight called rejection indeed did come down to crush him. It wasn’t like he would be the very first victim of unrequited love. Maybe he’d be able to make some good songs out of it – Like that American singer did? He would be the Korean Taylor Swift, he told himself. He was pretty like her, after all.

He was interrupted in his thoughts when he heard Jaehyun sobbing.  
The younger had his face against the palms of his hands, obviously trying his best to stop himself from crying in front of his elder.

“Jaehyunnie, don’t cry, I’ll be alright” Taeyong said, already feeling his heart slowly being torn to pieces.  
Jaehyun’s shoulders stopped shaking for a while and he sniffed loudly.

“I’m afraid” he said in a small voice.

“Jaehyunnie, baby, it’s okay” he answered, though feeling how a hot tear rolled down his own cheek.  
Jaehyun suddenly lifted his head, revealing his puffy red eyes, and it surprised Taeyong to see him crying that thoroughly.

“Hyung, you don’t understand” he managed to say that before having to sob some more. The protective instinct forced Taeyong to leave his spot by the wall and crawled up to sit between the younger boy’s knees. He tried to dry Jaehyun’s cheek with his thumb, only to see another salty tear dripping down from his long, black eyelashes. He didn’t like seeing Jaehyun this sad, he didn’t like it one bit.

“Please, Jaehyun, wipe your beautiful eyes” He stroked his cheek one more time. “They’ll get all puffy”.

Jaehyun sniffed, and grabbed Taeyong’s hand and moved it down from his cheek. He cupped Taeyong’s smaller hand between his own, and lowered down his forehead to rest on their joined hands. His sobbing got slowly sparser only to be interrupted by a few sniffs here some there.

“I feel so helpless. I wish I knew what you wanted” Taeyong said quietly.

Jaehyun stopped sobbing, and lifted his head to look at Taeyong under his gelled bangs. He looked so very tired with his reddish eyes, though at the same time more beautiful than Taeyong could ever remember. His eyes shone of vulnerability and hurt, but also of honesty. It struck Taeyong – maybe the younger had been lying to himself all this time? Maybe Jaehyun’s problems weren’t really concerning Taeyong, but himself, his attitudes, his ideals instead? He was still so very young, after all; what did he know about love? On the other hand, what the fuck did Taeyong know about love, other than the love he got from music, family and fans?

“I didn’t believe I had the answer to that question before” Jaehyun started with a broken voice. “But I might have it now…. And i think the answer is you, Hyung”

Taeyong felt like his heart jumped up to his throat. He closed his eyes to focus on breathing for a few seconds.

“Say it with my name, Jae. Say it”

Jaehyun swallowed.  
“The answer is you, Taeyong. I think it was like that from the very beginning, I just didn’t know. I just didn’t accept it. But you are so very beautiful”

The pinked haired boy rose up on his knees, freed his hand only to cup Jaehyun’s wet cheeks. With everything he got, he kissed the younger one’s luscious lips, pressing their faces together so intensively that he forgot their need of air. He took Jaehyun’s upper lip between his own and sucked gently on it, tasting the saltiness of his shedded tears. He broke the kiss, placed a small airy peck on the corner of Jaehyun’s mouth and watched the younger’s eyes slowly flicker open.

“Oh Jaehyunnie” he said powerlessly, letting one hand glide to the other one’s neck. They sat like that for a while, Taeyong on his knees between Jaehyun’s, who was still sitting on the older’s bed. The older decided to stay silent, just caressing the nape of the other until he felt his breathing calming down.  
Suddenly they heard the door opening, and two pairs of red rimmed eyes went to stare at a surprised Johnny in the door opening.

Johnny was holding a steamy plastic band in his arms. With the poker face of the century he backed out of the room.  
“Umm… I give you ten minutes. I brought food.” He closed the door in front of him.

  
Jaehyun lowered his tense shoulders and giggled timidly. Seeing Jaehyun smiling almost brought tears to Taeyong’s eyes again.

“You said you were afraid. What are you afraid of? What the others will think?” he asked softly.  
  
Jaehyun sighed and straightened his back, leaving Taeyong on the floor looking up at him and symbolically pointing out the alpha of this relationship.

“I’m not afraid of the members; they’ll love us no matter what. I’d be fine to kiss you again in front of them any day. It’s the company I’m afraid of. It’ll tear us apart”

Taeyong rose up to his feet and sat down next to Jaehyun on the bed, throwing his arms around the other one’s neck.

“I’d rather leave the company than stay knowing I can’t be with you”

Jaehyun gasped slightly. “Don’t talk like that Hyung! You are born to be a performer, this is your life”.

So are you. Taeyong didn’t say it out loud though.  
More like a whisper than a sentence Taeyong replied; “Then we’ll just have to wait and endure until our contracts end. Would you do that?”  
That would probably be the only way for them to actually be together in the end. If they just could keep it a secret for the rest of their contract, they could stay in the same group together and see each other every day just like before. Living a lie would be all worth it in the end, he though. Or at least he hoped so.

“Hyung…”

“Would you wait? Would you do that for me?”

Jaehyun leant his head against Taeyong’s and said “I would” in a small voice.  
.  
Taeyong hummed, and closed his eyes, happy to be close to Jaehyun again, to smell his cologne and the grease in his styled hair. They were in a pretty shitty situation after all, but this was show business, this was Korea – their love would never be accepted in these circumstances. It was not the least bit of fair. Could they at least be able to tell their parents? He had no idea.

Taeyong sighed deeply. “We’ll be alright”

 

 

 

 

Polite as he was, Johnny didn’t say anything about the two crying boys in his room. Jaehyun had luckily already left when Taeyong’s roommate dared to enter the room a safe twenty minutes later. Taeyong was already lying under his covers, trying to shut down his brain from overworking all the data it had collected from his and Jaehyun’s conversation a little earlier.

Johnny raised one eyebrow at him. “What’s new in dramaland?”

He already knew most of it, since he was an excellent people reader and both best friends with one and roommates with the other.

“Everything and nothing... Hyung, can I ask you something?”

“Ask me? I thought I would be the one asking you questions”

Taeyong didn’t wait for a better answer.

“Me and Jae. You think it could work? Like… would you guys accept it?”

Johnny whistled and sat down on his own bed. He was a good friend; instead of ridiculing it, or playing it off as a gimmick, he actually thought about his answer for a while, also letting Taeyong contemplate what he just said out loud.

When he finally spoke, Taeyong knew he could trust every word to be true.  
“I think most of us wouldn’t find it that surprising in the end anyway. Mark and Doyoung might get a little shocked. And Winwin. But I don’t think it would be that much of a problem. I think we’d all be quite cool. I think even manager-Hyung would be okay with it in the end as long as you don’t let it disturb your over-all performance”

Taeyong looked at Johnny and nodded.  
“But the company… Damn you Yongie, you’d be stepping on their toes bad time-“

“I don’t want to talk about the company. Or the staff or the press or the audience. I was asking about you guys”

Johnny smiled quietly.  
“Okay. I can only speak for myself, but I think we’ll be perfectly fine with you guys being cheesy together”  
“Thanks.”

Johnny went to the bathroom to take a shower, leaving Taeyong alone in his bed with his thoughts again. Did this mean they could be open about it, at least among their members? Should they warn them somehow or just let it happen? Drunken Mark’s shocked face when Jaehyun kissed him on New Year’s Eve popped up on his retina. Well, it’ll hardly be a shock anymore.

 

 

 

  
Their Neo City tour was nearer and nearer, meaning their schedule of practicing got just more intense. The day before they were supposed to leave for SM Town Chile was a day completely dedicated to concert practice. It was well past dinnertime when they got to work on the final touches of Fly away with me baby. They had danced from morning ‘til now, only taking breaks for food and toilet. Doyoung’s bloodsugar levels where threatening the whole mood of the group by now, but the perfectionist in Taeyong wouldn’t accept taking a break before the segment they were working on was perfect.

“I’m starving Hyung” Doyoung cried and started punching his own stomach jokingly. He was repeating the steps in front of the mirror while Yuta monitored and copied the moves. It was hot, and they were all kind of nasty after a whole day in the practice room. He went through the segment one more time and signaled Yuta to follow, while he took of his hoodie and threw it to the side.

“5 more minutes, focus please”.

Doyoung sighed and sat down by the mirror, signaling Jaehyun to sit down next to him.

“He’s crazy right?” Jaehyun laughed and turned his eyes on Taeyong, who was still dancing with Yuta.

Taeyong didn’t need to look at his lover to know that Jaehyun was staring at his flexing muscles glistening with sweat under his tank top. Knowing he had an audience, he made sure to make every single move sharp and flawless. And when he was at it, why not make every thrust of his hips just a little bit bolder.

“Ah, now you’re just showing off. I’m gonna go eat now” Doyoung whined.

In the corner of his eye he saw Yuta stop to dry the sweat of his face with a towel. Oh well, maybe it was time to give them some ease. He looked over his shoulder and saw Doyoung picking up his wallet from his duffel bag. The rest of them were also getting ready to pick up some dinner from the nearby restaurant.

“We’ll take a 45 minutes break” knowing it really meant an hour. He ran his hand through his hair before adjusting his cap to a better position, noticing how Jaehyun wasn’t really making an effort to leave the practice room.

“Taeyongie-Hyung?”

“Yes?” He replied a little bit too breathless for his liking.

“I still can’t get a grip on that last segment, could you maybe just go through it with me for a few minutes?” He asked with a honey dripping voice, eyes fixed on Taeyong’s delicate collarbones.

“Uhm, sure”

Jaehyun smiled and turned to the rest of the group, “You wanna wait for me? Or could you keep a seat for-”

“NO! We’ll keep a seat for you” Doyoung, Johnny and Taeil said unanimously, before rushing out from the room. “See you!”

The door closed after them, and Taeyong was finally alone with the love of his life this far. He shifted his weight to his other leg and crossed his arms.

“You know those steps already” he said casually.  
  
Jaehyun hummed in agreement. “Yup. Show me anyways”.

Taeyong flushed. “Now? Here?”

“Yes, now, we’re in a dancing studio, stupid. Dance for me, Hyung” Jaehyun said in his smooth chocolaty voice. His eyes had turned a shade darker and quite sultry - he didn’t bother to hide was about to come.  
Taeyong felt incredibly embarrassed, but at the same time, fairly aroused, so he went slowly to the loudspeakers and turned the music on from his phone. He started dancing, trying to imagine that the pair of eyes watching him belonged to a completely uninterested and grumpy Doyoung. Or maybe he should imagine them belonging to the talent scout he sang for in the auditions? He couldn’t dance back then, but now he can - and now it is his greatest passion. The music took him into its flow quite quickly, and he worked the choreography to the uttermost perfection as usual. The fans will love this choreo, he thought. He will be praised again, not for his looks, but for his talent. He imagined the floor turning into a stage, and the gaze Jaehyun laid on him was as heavy as the gaze from thousands of fans. He weighed hardly anything, so he could fly through the air if he wanted to.

Suddenly he felt two strong hands on his hips, and he woke up from his trance. Jaehyun pushed him gently against the wall, and claimed his lips when Taeyong was still out of breath from his dancing. The surprising touch of soft lips against his own made him slip out a gasp.  
Jaehyun kissed him slowly and teasingly, tasting every inch of pink skin on Taeyong’s lips. Jaehyun lips were fresh like seawater, and the natural musky aroma of his skin filled the older’s nostrils and he knew it would make him go crazy. Taeyong ripped Jaehyun’s beanie of him just to get to bury his hands in the thick brown strands of hair, truly the best feeling in the world. He felt bad for all human beings who hadn’t had the chance to feel through Jaehyun’s hair – and at the same time he got awfully jealous of their hairstylists. He pulled Jaehyun’s hair hard until the younger broke the kiss and gave him a curious questioning look.

“I just wanted to let you know that I’ll never let you cut your hair. Now kiss me again, Jaehyunnie”

And their lips clashed together again, this time with more wanting. Taeyong was eager to feel Jaehyun’s tongue against his, but the younger kept his mouth shut. He felt the other smiling against his kiss, making him even more frustrated. Taeyong bit slightly at Jaehyun’s bottom lip until he felt the younger giving up and slipping his tongue out to taste Taeyong. He moaned from the feeling of wet hotness exploring his mouth. His moaning obviously turned the younger on, since he suddenly started kissing him harder and deeper. Taeyong was soon out of breath again, and he had to wheeze through his nose for air but it didn’t matter. The younger felt so warm, so safe, so fucking good against him, and he was convinced he could replace food, water and oxygen with just Jaehyun’s mouth against his for survival.

Jaehyun’s hands had started travelling up his sides under his thin tank top. He would normally feel conscious about being sweaty, but he didn’t really care now since he believed Jaehyun actually liked him that way. He was apparently right since Jaehyun broke the kiss to lean down and kiss Taeyong’s collarbone. He trailed his way over all the bony ridges, until he found his spot and bit down, sucking hard.

“Jae, shit” The older moaned as he let his head fall back against the wall. His chest was heaving up and down as Jaehyun pulled the tank top lower and went to place kisses down to his chest, ending up at his left nipple. He never thought a male nipple could be that sensitive, but it was, and he moaned again when Jaehyun twirled his tongue around it. He gripped the younger’s hair again, massaging his scalp and enjoying the feeling of soft hair running past his slender fingers. Jaehyun made a deep humming sound, and closed his lips around Taeyong’s pink and pointy nipple. It was like electricity, shooting down from his chest straight down to his cock, stirring it alive like never before. Thank god he wasn’t wearing sweatpants, or else he wouldn’t be able to dance at all later this evening without awkward bulging. However, for the first time in a long time the thought of dancing felt mundane. He would rather spend the rest of the night in Jaehyun’s arms, being pleasured until his legs were so weak he had to be carried home.

He pulled Jaehyun’s head up again, and kissed him deep with infinite lust. It was so wet and so messy, and so ridiculously hot. He broke the kiss momentarily just to watch his own saliva glisten on Jaehyun’s mouth and a little outside it. Fuck. He kissed him again, and again, matching his moaning with his breathing. He suddenly got aware of them being quite loud; wet sloppy sounds of kissing, his high pitched catlike moans and Jaehyun’s soft, soft purring. The playlist he had on had apparently got to its end.

Jaehyun stepped a little closer, pressing Taeyong’s slender body against the wall with his own. A hardness poked roughly against the older’s thigh, and he looked down to see a nothing but discrete bulging in Jaehyun’s unfortunate choice of sweatpants. He couldn’t resist letting go of Jaehyun’s hand only to cup his erection through the soft fabric. Jaehyun grunted heavily when he slightly squeezed the rock-hard erection. He spotted his own watch on his arm, and remembered where they were. He broke the kiss and breathed hotly into Jaehyun’s ear while still cupping him.

“You can’t- we can’t dance like this, and it’s almost nine o’clock”

Jaehyun whined disappointedly, and licked at Taeyong’s throat.

“Let’s go somewhere else” He said with his lips still on the white smooth skin.

Taeyong giggled. “Where? We’re in the middle of our practice”

Jaehyun took Taeyong’s earlobe into his mouth and gave it a suck before speaking.

“I don’t care. Let’s go. To a hotel” He was apparently serious.

Taeyong pushed Jaehyun a little back to try to look him in the eyes.

“Huh? We can’t do that”

“Fuck it. Let’s go, I’ll call a taxi”. Jaehyun fished his phone out from his pocket and dialed a number, continuing to kiss Taeyong’s neck while waiting for the number to answer. Taeyong didn’t know what to do, trying to come up with an excuse for their absence to the rest of the group, but before he was ready thinking Jaehyun was already done with his phone call and dragged him by his hand to the door. He asked him to collect his things and without knowing better, that was what he did, before running after Jaehyun who was already down the stairs heading for the back door of the building.

He suddenly remembered his phone was still connected to the loudspeakers, so he ran up one more time to undock it. He passed himself in the mirror, seeing a violet bruise shining under his tank top. Consequences - let’s deal with them later. He had never been happier not to meet the rest of his members while running down the stairs.

Taeyong pulled his coat on when he came outside, and saw Jaehyun waiting on the street with his phone in his hand. Taeyong looked at his own phone and noticed that their 45minute dinnerbreak was just about to end anyways. When the taxi pulled up Taeyong texted “ _We’re finished practicing today, you can go home” t_ o their group chat before walking up to the luxurious black car. He put his phone in his coat’s pocket and jumped into the car. Jaehyun reached over him to close the car door (Which was a little unnecessary since Taeyong could have just closed it himself but he was a bit perplexed over the whole situation anyways) and pulled down the curtains between the driver and the backseat. Then he turned to Taeyong and cupped his face with both hands.

“I’m so glad you’re here with me”

“Would you be going to a hotel alone otherwise?” Taeyong teased.

Jaehyun silenced him with a kiss, and soon they were entangled in each other once again. First it was awkward, being aware of the other person in the car, but soon it started to feel exciting and thrilling, even. Taeyong twirled his tongue next to Jaehyun’s, smiling against the kiss when Jaehyun grunted. He broke the kiss and pressed his finger against the younger one’s lips. The taxi driver could imagine whatever he wanted but he didn’t want to be too loud about their actions, since same sex relationships’ were still sort of a taboo in Korea. Unfortunately. Taeyong pushed the thought away when Jaehyun parted his lips and took the older boy’s index finger into his mouth, sucking it like a lollipop.

“Oh Jaehyunnie, please behave” he whispered excitedly, pulling out his finger and pecked the corner of his mouth instead. A bump in the road made him lose his balance and he fell against Jaehyun who was pushed down against the seat. The younger seized the moment and wrapped his arms around Taeyong, hugging him tight against him and meeting his lips once again to continue their happy smooching. Taeyong couldn’t stop giggling when he thought about all the camera’s they usually had set up in their own vans.

It didn’t take long before Jaehyun’s hands had travelled down to grab Taeyong’s small behind, pulling his hips down against his own. He could feel Jaehyun’s phone vibrating, too. The older hoped they would be coming to the hotel soon, since he was afraid someone of them wouldn’t soon be able to contain themselves anymore from doing something stupid in the backseat of the taxi.

His prayers (or whatever they were) were answered since he felt the car stop.

“We’re here”

Taeyong immediately jumped off Jaehyun who sat up, straightened his shirt and ventured out to pay the driver. The older cautiously followed, pulling his coat tighter around him to keep the cold January wind out. They were standing outside a medium sized hotel that he’d never seen before. He looked around and couldn’t place himself on the map either. Good. At least they were far away from their dorm.

He heard Jaehyun’s usually soft voice turn foul as he said “keep the change”, grabbed Taeyong by his arm and pulled him towards the entrance.

Taeyong turned to look at Jaehyun. “What did he say?” He sounded so weak once again.

”That this was the last time he will be driving queers like us”

“Oh. Well I can’t really blame him” Taeyong said quietly.

“What?” Jaehyun replied angrily. Luckily they were already by the reception desk. Taeyong pulled his cap low on his face, dreading someone would recognize them. However, the reception was very discrete and Jaehyun was obviously not that stupid to use his own name.

Soon enough they were standing face to face in an elevator. Taeyong couldn’t believe he was doing this. And what exactly was he doing? Fleeing their own practice… Damn. He took the chance to pick up his phone only to see a bunch of confused messages in their group chat. He texted quickly “ _everything’s alright don’t worry!!_ ” before he felt Jaehyun pulling him out of the elevator down a corridor. Another elderly couple walked past them, and both boys bowed their heads courteously when passing. It wasn’t long until they found their room, and Jaehyun swiped the key card and let Taeyong in.

The older walked in, scanning the spacious room. There was this wide, soft, incredibly inviting bed with white crisp sheets facing a nice sized balcony. This was so much better than his single bed in his and Johnny’s room. He suddenly felt incredibly tired, but when Jaehyun’s hands wrapped around his waist from behind he remembered that they probably wouldn’t be sleeping that much.

Jaehyun stood behind him, burrowing his face into Taeyong’s neck, inhaling and exhaling loudly. Taeyong stretched his neck to invite the younger to kiss it, and so he did, tenderly but passionately. The older closed his eyes and enjoyed the moment of affection. It felt nice and it felt right, too.

Jaehyun wrapped his strong arms around Taeyong’s chest. He loved this feeling of safety; having someone else protect him from the animosities of the world when Taeyong himself was too weak. He would be pretty happy if they could stay like this the whole night.

The moment ended when his phone rang in the pocket of his coat that he already had hanged neatly on the hanger. He tensed up and made a move to go pick it up, but Jaehyun tightened his grip on his chest and kept him on the spot.

“Leave it.” He said and bit slightly at his earlobe.

”But what if they’re wor-“

“Deal with it later. I want you now. And nothing’s gonna stop me” The husky tone in Jaehyun’s voice made Taeyong shiver in anticipation, and the twisted his neck as much as he could to reach Jaehyun’s lips. The younger released his hold on Taeyong, leaving him space to spin around and wrap his own arms behind Jaehyun’s neck. The phone was still ringing when Jaehyun’s tender kisses turned wild and wanting, and Taeyong answered with an equal desire. Jaehyun’s hands were already under the pink haired boy’s tank top, playing with his slender fingers over all the sharp ridges of his bony body. It made Taeyong feel somewhat selfconscious, to be fair. Jaehyun felt it, and broke the kiss. He smiled softly and pulled the top over Taeyong’s head, making his cap fall on the floor too.

“You’re pretty” he said and put his hands over his chest and leant in to kiss him again. The older opened his mouth eagerly and teased the other with his tongue. Jaehyun moaned, and angled his face to get better access. Taeyong’s lips where so plump and raw already that he didn’t really care when Jaehyun bited down on his lower lip to give it a slight pull. At this point he wouldn’t care however bruised he’d wake up tomorrow.  
He pulled at Jaehyun’s soft hair again, earning a breathy gasp from the other.  
It was surprised by his own actions when he got the urge to push Jaehyun’s head lower. He didn’t put much pressure, but the younger got the wink, smiled against the kiss making it shallow again.

“I…. love it…. when” he mumbled between his wet kisses, ”when… mhm, when you’re.. needy”

“You do?” Taeyong whispered almost inaudible.

Jaehyun lowered himself down to his knees, keeping eye contact for a while with his beloved team leader. When he couldn’t hold it anymore he pecked his navel, and trailed down his lower abdomen until the hem of his jeans stopped his advancing. Jaehyun looked up again under his bangs, looking so, so, juicy.  
He grabbed the black belt of the jeans, and unbuckled it with a clang. His pianist fingers had no trouble unbuttoning the jeans and pulling down the zipper in one smooth motion. Taeyong’s breath hitched when his jeans fell down to his wrists. Jaehyun looked at him for a while, smiling proudly, before continuing his trail of kisses down the other’s stomach. His eyes widened when he pulled down his light pink colored boxers. He went back to the kissing until he was so low that Taeyong couldn’t keep away his moans anymore.

Jaehyun giggled. “I can’t believe your skin is this smooth”.

“Oh fuck” Taeyong gasped when Jaehyun finally took him into his mouth. He was half hard to begin with so it didn’t take many seconds for him to get fully erect when watching Jaehyun’s lips encircle his length. His soft, thick hair bounced rhythmically with his movements and every now and then he saw those caramelbrown eyes meet his under the heavy curtain of hair. Could it really be this good, he thought, when running both of his hands through those brown curls. Apparently, it could. Jaehyun bobbed his head in a slow but nicely paced rhythm, carefully sucking every time he was pulling out. He couldn’t believe Jaehyun hadn’t been doing this before – well, at least that’s what he had said, so he sent the thought away.  
Since he was a visual person he couldn’t decide whether the sight of Jaehyun’s pretty pouty lips wrapped around his cock or the actual sensation of it was better. At one point Jaehyun pulled off to take a breath, and the string of saliva connecting his lower lip with the tip of his cock was enough to make Taeyong feel the familiar bubbling building up in his lower abdomen. He had to close his eyes to prevent him from coming just form the bare sight. Closing his eyes didn’t help though, since the rest of his senses just got intensified: He could hear the sound of wet lips moving and sucking, and he could smell the musky aroma of sex filling the space between them, and foremost, it felt like every inch of his skin was getting caressed as the same time. One of Jaehyun’s hands was wrapped around the base of Taeyong’s cock, while the other curled around his thigh massaging it sensually. He couldn’t keep his eyes closed.  
With a firm grip on the hair in his neck he pulled Jaehyun’s head back, forcing him to let go of Taeyong’s throbbing cock with a popping sound. Jaehyun’s tongue was dripping with his pre-cum, leaving a thin strand hanging down his chin. He crooked one of his eyebrows in a questioning look, and brushed some strands of hair away from his eyes.

”I just… I just wanted to look at your face, my… my prince” He let the endearing nickname roll on his tongue before saying it out loud. Jaehyun’s smiled widely with both eyes and mouth, and Taeyong couldn’t help but poking his dimple. Jaehyun blew some air on the tip of Taeyong’s length, making him almost bend over from the intense senasation of hot air.

”It’s embarrassing but i can’t hold it much longer” he managed to spit out when Jaehyun licked his member from the base to the tip on the underside. He stopped with the tip laying heavily on the flat of his tongue, before indulging on it fully again. Taeyong was small enough, so it wasn’t a hard task for Jaehyun to slowly take more and more of him in until his lips touched the hairs on the base of Taeyong’s member.

”Oh my fucking god” the older gasped out and had to take hold of the cupboard next to him.

”Mhm” Jaehyun hummed and wiggled around the cock so that the tip was making a bulge in his cheek. It was simply too much for Taeyong to see, and he had to resist the need to just explode into Jaehyun’s mouth without forewarning. He felt the taste of blood in his mouth and realized he was biting his own lip.

Jaehyun released him again and kissed the skin on his upper thigh instead. With the other hand he continued to massage his other thigh higher and higher up, until his thumb and indexfinger brushed against his balls and perineum.

”Have you been waxing or something? I can’t understand how smooth your legs are…. I like it so much” he said hotly while his finger was getting dangerously close to his anticipating opening.

”No, I …Argh shit” Taeyong tried to reply but was interrupted by the younger sucking on a spot along his lenght.

”I wanna make you cum, darling… Come for me when i say so” he said with one last wet lick before starting to pump the throbbing warmth with his hand. His hand felt soft but tight, and it didn’t take long before Taeyong couldn’t keep his breathing under control anymore. He panted hard and irregularly, touching the brown soft curls with one hand and supporting himself with the other. The fireworks in his chest was about to go off, and he closed his eyes in a frown when he noticed black and white objects starting to flash in his field of view.

”Hold it….” Jaehyun commanded, taking him into his hot mouth while continuing to stroke him with one hand. Taeyong had to use all the muscles in his stomach to keep himself contained, but it didn’t work for long since his all his muscles in his entire body wanted to twitch and contract on the same time. He made a whining noise, pleading jaehyun to let him come. Please, just….

”Now” Jaehyun whispered, and at once Taeyong was already falling over the world’s edge, falling, falling, crushing against the floor made of hot magna and melting into some weightless energy. He didn’t hear himself groaning, and he didn’t see himself spilling his hot come over Jaehyun’s hands and t-shirt either. He was especially deaf to his once again desperately ringing phone in his coat. He didn’t know how long it took him to to come back to his senses.

  
Taeyong’s knees gave after and he sat down on the edge of the bed, still breathing heavily with pearls of sweat glistening on his forehead. His still had his boxers down his ankles, but couldn’t be bothered to kick them off. Not yet. He actually couldn’t be bothered to do anything at all, so he laid down on the bed and covered his face with his hands. The covers felt cool and soft against his back, and he let out a relaxed sigh.

”You alright?” He heard Jaehyun ask.

Oh, right, Jae. The older lifted himself up on his elbows and moved his sweaty fringe back against his scalp. Jaehyun had stood up and was watching him with a pleased look on his face. He had taken off his stained t-shirt, showing off his toned chest and abdominal muscles. Taeyong had always admired Jaehyun’s body, thinking that it was just manly enough to make him tick but not too big or broad or intimidating. He shouldn’t have been that surprised to find Jaehyun at the gym that one time. Dancing was good exercise alright, but the well rounded pectorals and that delicious groove parting his six pack demanded a bit more than just dancing. The groove on his stomach was glistening and wet, probably both from sweat as well as Taeyong’s own fluids, but the older still craved to lick it all up like the thirsty cat he was. Next his eyes wandered to that deep V-formed ridge that ended somewhere under the hem of his sweatpants. His eyes followed it and got fixed on the thin strip of hair connecting Jaehyun’s navel with his groin.

”Hyung, you alright?”

”Ye. Take your pants off”

With one eyebrow slightly raised he bit his lower lip and pushed his sweatpants down. Taeyong wasn’t surprised to see his erection fighting against the fabric of his white boxers. He swallowed, suddenly getting intoxicated just by remembering the feeling of having that thickness buried inside him.

”Th… The rest of it too”

Jaehyun slipped his fingers under the hem of the boxers and pushed them teasingly slow downwards. Taeyong felt like snapping at him for taking such a long time. The muscular V ended in a mouth watering dark nest of thick curly hair, and finally the younger boy’s impressive erection sprung up flat against his stomach.

”What you want me to do next?” He asked huskily.

Taeyong noticed he was hard again and felt his cheek’s getting red when he realized how incredibly exposed he was, lying naked on the bed. Jaehyun sensed his awkwardness and stepped closer to the bed with a grin on his pretty face.

”Oh I made you blush, didn’t i? It’s alright hyung, I’ll tell you what we’re gonna do” He crawled up on the bed over Taeyong and supported himself on his arms above him. The older’s eyes travelled to his lips, and he wanted to get up and kiss them, but he was still too weak.

”I’m gonna make you mine” He said and lowered himself down to straddle Taeyong’s hips. Jaehyun’s skin felt burning hot, and it almost made the older’s heart jump out his chest.

”Please kiss me” Taeyong whispered and felt a pair of soft lips meeting his. They kissed languidly, slow and deep matching the rhythm of Jaehyun’s hips grinding down on Taeyong. Tasting the salt in Jaehyun’s mouth excited Taeyong even more, and he sucked on Jaehyun’s tongue until he winced. Needy hands travelled over Jaehyun’s muscular back down to his behind, and Taeyong took a good grab and found himself forcing his hips down harder against his own. The friction hit him in just the right place, causing him to moan into Jaehyun’s mouth, who answered with an even harder jerk. With his nails digging into Jaehyun’s lower back he moaned his name, wanting more, more of that sweet pressure. The orgasm fifteen minutes ago had left him quite sensitive, so he felt like going absolutely crazy with the increasing buildup of pressure down his groin area.

He went back to grip Jaehyun’s hair and angled his face so that he could suck a mark on his throat. Jaehyun breathing was labored, and he never realized how incredible sexy it sounded when he was winded. He should have joined him to the gym earlier…  
A moment later Jaehyun suddenly grabbed the other’s wrists hard and pulled them down away from touching his hair. He pinned them against the bed, and looked Taeyong straight in the eye. Taeyong didn’t dare to breathe.

”Hey. I… are you okay with everything”

Taeyong’s cheeks were burning again and his wrists hurt from the tight hold. He tried to move one of his arms, just to test the hold, but Jaehyun’s hands were strong and kept him steady.

”Yes” He finally whimpered. Everything was a big word but he knew what it meant and he craved it, bad.  
Jaehyun’s mouthed a curse-word and went down to kiss Taeyong’s jawbone repeatedly.

”You’re gonna make me so happy tonight” he whispered in his ear softly. ”And i’m sorry but i simply can’t wait any longer”

That being said, he got up on his knees and flipped Taeyong over to his stomach. The older got up to his elbows and glanced over his shoulder. Jaehyun was running his hands through his sweaty hair, trying to make it stay out of his face. His hair was truly a blessing in Taeyong’s eyes; with the fringe falling over his eyes he looked like the sweetest dimpled boy next door ever, but as soon as he brushed it back revealing his forehead…. Together with the sultry glance he was giving Taeyong at the moment, he looked like one of those dangerously sexy American fuckboys he’d seen in movies.  
Jaehyun pushed his head down to the mattress and laid himself on top of Taeyong. He kissed him softly over his back and shoulders, massaging his sides making the other moan in satisfaction. Then one of his hands grabbed his behind before gliding down between the cheeks, reaching out for his prize. A shiver travelled down Taeyong’s spine when he felt one finger at his entrance. Apparently he was wet enough from before since Jaehyun decided to push his finger inside without any lube. Taeyong immediately whimpered, clasping at the mattress with his fingers. He heard Jaehyun’s breathing speeding up while he could feel his hand and his index finger inside him tremble. The friction was a bit too much but he thought he could handle one unlubed finger well, so he started moving his hips slightly against Jaehyun’s hand. He gasped when he felt the long finger briefly touching at that special spot inside him.

”M.. more” he whimpered, because that one finger only did that much. Jaehyun didn’t hesitate to push another finger in. This time it hurt though. Taeyong bit his lip and grabbed a fistful of sheets not to dig his own nails to deep into his palm. But beyond the pain there was still that tantalizing sensation of being stretched out, and he concluded that he wouldn’t be pleased before he got to really feel Jaehyun inside. Like he had read his mind, he withdraw his fingers and got off the bed to grab something from his bag.

Taeyong’s breath hitched when he felt Jaehyun’s weight on the bed again. The younger grabbed Taeyong’s wrists and pulled them backward to lie on his lower back. Taeyong’s face got forced down into the pillow, and when he tried to change his position he realized Jaehyun was intentionally keeping him down. His one hand was apparently enough to lock Taeyong’s bony wrist in place, while the other was grabbing his own erection and aligning it better with Taeyong’s entrance. He was thankful for the younger remembering to bring the lube with him. He didn’t have much patience left anyway.

”Just do it, I need it” he whined. Jaehyun chuckled behind him, apparently pumping himself ready before claiming the older. In the corner of his eye he saw the small packet of lube on the cupboard. The slick sound of the younger’s wet cock was way too arousing for Taeyong to just lie still and wait, so he tried to pull his hands free from jaehyun’s grip to touch himself or, well, something. However, Jaehyun wouldn’t let him.  
He shushed him, and begun to poke his tip around the sensitive perineal area. The cold lube against Taeyong’s burning skin almost chocked him with sensory overload. To Taeyong’s disappointment, the younger withdraw and started stroking himself again.

”Please Jaehyun” He whimpered with trembling legs. The sound of Jaehyun panting with his own heaviness in his hand, together with the still lingering feeling of coldness around his entrance was simply too much to handle, and he needed to get out of this limbo before something inside of him got absolutely wrecked with wanting. His wrists were aching from trying to free himself from Jaehyun’s strong grip.

”Fucking hell Taeyongie-hyung, you’re such a needy little princess” He mumbled while pumping himself harder. He soon got his now warmer tip to hover between the older’s cheeks, apparently trying to find himself a good position. Taeyong didn’t have the patience for that.

”Jaehyun just FUCK me for god’s sake” the older grunted out almost aggressively.

With that, he felt Jaehyun enter him, painfully slowly, however prolonging that amazing feeling of getting stretched out wider and wider. The muscular rims suddenly relaxed and Jaehyun slipped completely in in one smooth glide. Jaehyun moaned hard when his base and balls hit Taeyong’s perineum. Taeyong was shaking from pleasure and pain; the familiar burning from before was there however less intense, and now he could feel Jaehyun’s heartbeat shooting throbbing pulses from his cock to Taeyong’s entire lower region. More, more, he needed more.

”Give me more. Move” he demanded, and with his wrists still tightly gripped behind his back Jaehyun started to thrust himself slowly in and out. Taeyong sobbed when he felt that throbbing hardness glide past his special spot. The movement felt amazing when it stretched him out again and again. Jaehyun noticed his liking for that, and was careful to pull his cock almost completely out so that he could force himself at Taeyong’s contracted musculature again and again.

The older felt the inside of his legs being soaking wet, and he wasn’t sure if it was caused by the lube alone, sweat, his own slick or just their combined pre-cum, but he still needed more. He wished he could taste Jaehyun, kiss him, lick his body or anything, but unfortunately his head was still being pushed to its side on the mattress. So he had to make do with the heaviness of Jaehyun’s body against his back. He tried to rip himself out of the grip again but in vain.

”Jaehyunnie let me go or fuck me harder or anything, just, do it” He whimpered, trying to glance at the younger from his uncomfortable position against the mattress. The younger’s forehead was shining with sweat, and his abdominals where flexed as he begun to thrust harder. He looked so strong in Taeyong’s eyes.

”I won’t let you go just yet” And with that he picked up his speed and started almost forcefully thrusting in, causing Taeyong’s whole body to tug forward. With every deep thrust Taeyong cried out since it felt so right. He contemplated telling Jaehyun to lift his hips up to change the angle for better access to his special spot, however he was afraid he would come too fast in that case. Still, he probably unconsciously lifted his hips up higher, signaling Jaehyun to change the angle. Jaehyun let go of his sore wrists (which Taeyong immediately pulled back to himself again) and grabbed the older’s hips, lifting them up higher.  
  
”Jaehyunnie…” Taeyong moaned when he his thick cock hit that one spot. The speed increased again, and the sound of skin clapping against skin echoed in the room. Jaehyun grunted and pulled the younger closer to himself again, just go get to go deeper than before. Then he suddenly slapped Taeyong hard over his arse cheek with the whole flat of his hand. The older winced hard, both from surprise and from pleasure since he’d always had a thing for a little violence. Some might blame it on computer game.s His skin was still burning but he demanded more – more pain to drown the increasing feeling of pressure inside his lower stomach.

”Again”

Jaehyun obeyed, and let his hand slap his ass again at the same place. A pathetic wince slipped Taeyong’s lips again. He lifted himself up a little to get his now free hand to grasp his own rock-hard arousal pressing against the mattress.

”Again, harder” He murmured.  
Jaehyun hesitated for a few seconds before slapping him even harder. The sound echoed sharp through the room, and it made Taeyong’s eyes water. So fucking filthy, so fucking nice, he thought.

”Harder”  
This time without hesitation, Jaehyun slapped his arse so hard that Taeyong accidentally bit his own lip again. The drop of blood filled his mouth the second time that night with its irony aroma. However, he hadn’t heard him self screaming yet, so it wasn’t enough. He was sure his behind was completely red by now, too bad he couldn’t see it himself.

”Again”

”You sure?” Jaehyun said with a between his heavy breathing, raising his hand again to prepare for another slap.

”Hit me so hard that I’ll scream, hit me Jaehyunnie”

”Wow” the other whispered, gave him a few good thrusts before slamming his hand down so hard that Taeyong felt it in his whole body. He let out a low scream against the mattress.

”Holy shit Tae...” the other whispered. He pulled out his dick with a grunt, and grabbed Taeyong by his small waist. He pulled him up to sit, and asked him to face him. Taeyong was weak and dizzy so he had to support himself on Jaehyun went sitting up. His behind was hurting a lot, both from the slapping and the pounding. It was the best hurt he’d ever felt.

Jaehyun lifted him carefully up to sit in his lap. Taeyong glanced down at the younger’s impressive erection, red and wet and pulsating and most importantly, only Taeyong’s to ride. He couldn’t wait to have it inside him again, so he gathered his strength to raise himself up and grabbed hold of the other’s length to align it with himself. He slowly lowered himself on it while Jaehyun was securing him by wrapping his arms around his waist.

When the younger’s lenght was completely buried inside him, he took a few calm breaths before beginning to ride his lover. This position felt different, hitting new places inside him. It was also so much more intimate, since he could face the other and watch his beautiful face concentrating on the fucking. Jaehyun jerked his hips up in the same rhytm as Taeyong rode, and at the same he gripped hold of Taeyong’s waist and slammed him down harder against his cock that the force of gravitation alone would do.

”You feel so great deep inside me, Jaehyunnie” he said and watched Jaehyun’s eyes flicker open for a moment to meet his lover’s eyes. While stroking himself relentlessly he leant in to catch Jaehyun’s lips, and they kissed breathlessly and desperately while the sweet pressure was building and building inside Taeyong’s small frame. He begun to feel lightheaded again together with the stars blinking against his closed eyelids.

Soon enough Jaehyun broke the kiss to breath, and he panted erratically, obviously trying to get hold of himself. He could ’t though, and with a low grunt and a few snapping thrusts he come hard inside Taeyong. Taeyong seized the moment to sit down hard on his frantically twitching cock, and stroked himself harder. He wanted to come too, but knowing Jaehyun was unable to do anything in his orgasmic state he satisfied himself with the combination of Jaehyun’s cock in his ass, his own hand and by watching Jaehyun’s pretty face crying out in satisfaction. It didn’t take too long for him to come too into his own hand and their bellies.

Jaehyun was still holding him tight, leaning against Taeyong’s shoulder trying to catch his breath. The older kissed his jaw and embraced him as well. They sat wordlessly like that for a while, Jaehyun still inside Taeyong, both breathing laboredly.  
The older was the first to move. With legs weak from their lovemaking, he clumsily got off Jaehyun’s lap and winced when he felt the burning return to his well-pounded behind. He laid himself immediately on the bed and saw Jaehyun collapsing next to him a short moment later. He stretched out to stroke Jaehyun’s messy hair. The younger sighed with his eyes closed.  
”You make me so happy” He said with a pleasant smile on his face.

They did it one more time that night. This time more slowly, more gently, since Taeyong was still sore. They lay entangled in each other’s arms, kissing languidly and deeply, moaning each other’s names into their mouths. Jaehyun thrusted slowly and deeply, making Taeyong’s high pitched moans sound like they almost had a melody. They didn’t last long, and came apart in each other’s embrace. Neither bothered to wash off the mess they’ve made, neither cared to check their phones for worried calls and text-messages. They fell asleep like that, peacefully, and so in love.

 

 

 

Jaehyun woke up earlier than Taeyong when the early morning sun was shining straight into his eyes. He checked the time and tried to recall when they were supposed to leave for Chile. Luckily, their managers had booked them an afternoon flight, so they still had time to return to the dorms and pack their stuff. Taeyong was still sleeping soundly in the bed, partly covered by the white sheets. Jaehyun rose up and opened the curtains facing their balcony, letting rays of light shone upon his elder colleague still lying in bed. He looked so ethereal and serene, sleeping deeply with not a single worry in the world. Jaehyun saw a couple of red bruises on his neck, not to mention the purplish larger bruise forming on his behind. It did ruin the scene a little, considering that he man lying in bed was probably the most beautiful creature ever to walk this earth, but at the same time he liked those bruises, knowing they indicated that he belonged to Jaehyun alone.  
The sunshine awoke Taeyong pretty soon. When opening his eyes he saw the naked backside of Jaehyun watching out the window facing the balcony. For a few minutes he felt so very much at peace, happy and satisfied in the protection of that handsome man called Jung Yoonoh.

”Morning babe” he murmured to get Jaehyun’s attention.

The younger turned quickly to him, and a wide enchanting dimpled smile spread across his face.

”Hello my most favorite Hyung. Do you have any idea how incredibly beautiful you look lying naked in the bed like that? I wish you could see yourself. I wish the whole world could see you like this, but unfortunately I wouldn’t let them”

The words were too many for a still sleepy Taeyong to catch, but he concluded they sounded nice.

”I wish I could scream it out for everyone to hear. I think I should do that, actually. I can’t keep it inside” he mumbled mostly for himself. Taeyong saw Jaehyun opening the door to the balcony. He grabbed a towel to cover himself and stepped out, and screamed on the top of his lungs  
”MY MAN IS BEAUTIFUL”

The cheesy, utterly cringeworthy scream echoed against the building across the street. Taeyong got up to sit on the bed and rubbed his sleepy eyes.

”You gotta be more careful, Jaehyunnie. We’re a secret, you know” he said, but couldn’t hide the bubbly happiness from his voice. Jaehyun giggled in agreement. He stepped back in again and picked up his phone.  
  
”Wow our group chat’s been spammed tonight. They wonder where the fuck we are”

And then it hit the pink haired boy. They left in the middle of their practice yesterday - in the middle of busy schedules.

”Oh fuck” he exclaimed and jumped out of bed.

 


	8. Chapter 8

Taeyong’s and Jaehyun’s taxiride back to the dorms was pretty much rough to say at least. They had both spent the last ten minutes scrolling through their group chat seeing upset texts wondering why they’d left the day before their flight to Chile. Doyoung seemed to be pissed while Jungwoo mostly expressed worry. They didn’t know how much their managers already knew, but all they could do was pray that they’d arrive at the dorms before their manager Hyung.

Taeyong was struggling with how to deal with this mess. Leaving in the middle of their practice to go fuck at a hotel wasn’t a good idea yesterday, and today, it was certainly a lot worse. All he had wished for was honesty and the possibility to show their friends how much he loved Jaehyun, but not like this – he wasn’t prepared at all to explain this so soon when the rest of the group felt that they’d been let down by their leader. Should they lie? Tell that someone of their family members got ill and they went to support the other? Johnny would see through it in a split of a second.

”Maybe we should just try to say as little as possible about it? They will probably figure it out at some point. I mean they’ve probably figured it out already during the night. So why state the obvious and make it awkward for all of us?” Jaehyun reached out to touch Taeyong’s thigh.

”I guess”  
  
It’s weird how fast all that happiness and pleasure could be forgotten.  
Taeyong glanced at his reflection in the window. He looked tired and rough. His hair was a mess and his lips were bitten raw and puffy. He looked back at Jaehyun. His rice paper skin was dull due to lack of sleep, but otherwise he seemed fine, handsome and elegant as always. His lips were always red and puffy whether they were kissed furiously or not. Taeyong frowned when he crossed his leg over the other. His face was however not the problem today – he was more worried about how he was going to be able to sit for hours in a plane to South America. He picked up his bag and searched for a mirror and some concealer – at least he could try to hide his dark eye-bags and the redness on his neck.

”Should we go in together?”

”What do you think? As I said earlier, I’m not afraid of them” Jaehyun said with a timid smile and grabbed Taeyong’s hand.  
  
  
  
  


They didn’t get to take many steps inside their dorm until Doyoung and Johnny come out of the kitchen to face them. Johnny rubbed his forehead with a distressed face, while Doyoung seemed to be outright furious with the way his ears and neck were red.

”Care to explain?”

”I’m sorry, there were some things that came up, let’s talk about it later” Taeyong said with a humble bow, wishing he could slip by Doyoung as fast as possibly. Jaehyun stayed awkwardly behind him.

”Things came up? You serious?” The vocalist spitted out and crossed his arms over his chest.

”Yongie-Hyung? Jaehyunnie-hyung?” Mark screamed happily from his room.

”Hello….” Jaehyun answered pathetically. Johnny patted Jaehyun on the back and pushed him forward.  
  
”Go and pack Jaehyunnie. We’ll be leaving in 90 minutes”.

”You’re just gonna let them go like that? They fucking left without saying a word!” Doyoung cried out.

Johnny gave him a look and signaled Taeyong to go to their room. ”Doyoung, chill”

Doyoung scoffed. ”Whatever, I don’t think I even want to hear their explanation”

Taeyong felt so incredibly embarrassed to leave poor gloomy Doyoung without the explanation he truly deserved. He was just going to follow Jaehyun’s plan – speak as little as possible about it. They will all know eventually anyway. But he still felt incredibly bad for it, and he though he might have a private talk with Doyoung later that day, if they got the chance. He quickly started to pull out his things out of his garderobe, not having any idea of what the weather was like in Chile at the moment. He heard Johnny coming in and closing the door behind him. He took a deep breath to be ready for a scolding from his elder.

”Was that trick you pulled on us yesterday really necessary, you think?”

”No, and I’m sorry. I didn’t know what I was doing. It just happened”

Johnny sighed. ”Where the fuck did you go? Out drinking?”  
  
”Hotel” he said quietly.

Johnny stayed silent for a while.  
”I guess you didn’t practice dancing at the hotel” He said monotonously.

”Not quite, no.”

”Feels good to know that you’re that horny at our practices. Stretching will never be the same” Johnny said sourly.

”Well fuck you”

”I’d rather not”

Taeyong gaped at Johnny who after all was supposed to be on their his side. He shut his mouth though, not wanting to anger his Hyung even more. He threw some bucket hats into his suitcase, not really being able to concentrate on the packing. If even Johnny was this bitchy against him, how would he survive the judgement from the rest? He really, really, really regretted not thinking about the consequences yesterday so he could have avoided this mess.  
He turned back to Johnny, who was picking out some jewelry to wear.  
”Did you… or do the rest know? Do they know about us? Did you talk about it yesterday?”

Johnny sighed and smiled a sad smile, before turning back to the mirror to put in an earring.  
”I didn’t. There were some speculations, Some talking about how they might have noticed something earlier too. Glances, touches, you know. More than the normal stuff we do. And the fact that Jaehyun kissed you on new year’s eve. You haven’t been THAT subtle. But I didn’t comment it in anyway. I thought you’d want to confirm it yourself.”

Johnny was such a good friend, Taeyong thought. He suddenly felt the urge to hug him, so he walked up to him and hugged him from behind. ”Thank you” He said and earned a honest smile from Johnnys reflection in the mirror. In the end, he knew he could always trust him to be loyal and accepting. Such a friendship would forever be invaluable.

He couldn’t deal with the tension between him and Doyoung though. Doyoung was a smart, lovable person he would probably want to take with him to a deserted island – however, there was always a risk that they eventually ended up killing each other. He really didn’t want to have Doyoung having a grudge against him, so he had to sort if up ASAP before the negative energy would spread throughout the group. So after quickly having packed he left his room and ventured to Doyoung’s room. He knocked and stepped cautiously in. He was relieved to find Doyoung alone on his bed, chatting casually on his phone. When he saw Taeyong his corners of his mouth instantly turned down – a somewhat staged reaction.  
  
”I think we need to talk this through” the older carefully begun.

Doyoung stared at him, before nodding, which Taeyong took as a sign that it was okay for him to come in and sit down at the table in the middle of the room.  
  
When the younger didn’t say anything, Taeyong continued. ”I honestly regret leaving like that yesterday. But no-one got hurt, our schedule’s are still under control, you got to have an early night from a long day of practicing. I take full responsibility if you feel that you haven’t practiced enough. I can stay up the whole night to polish the choreography if you want to”

”We know the dance. It’s not that. I want an explanation. What did you do with Jaehyun that was so important that you had to leave and couldn’t tell us about it?”

Taeyong’s mouth opened and shut when he thought about what to say to his younger friend. He stared at Doyoung for a while, feeling his cheeks slowly getting flushed.

”Either you know and you just want to hear me say it out loud, or you honestly don’t know. Which one is it?” Taeyong didn’t know which one he hoped it was. If it was the latter he could just lie, but then he would just be shooting himself in the foot in the long run.

Now it was Doyoung’s turn to stay silent, staring at Taeyong with an uncomfortable expression.  
Taeyong tried to light up the mood a little. ”And no, we didn’t go shopping birthday presents for you in the middle of the night”.

The corner of Doyoung’s mouth twitched a little.  
”Very funny. But yes, we kind of talked about it yesterday. First we thought it was some emergency with Haechan or something. But we asked him and he was okay. Then we thought it was some emergency at the management with press or something, but we don’t understand why only Jaehyun would have joined you in that case. Then we thought it was some personal matters with your families, but … well, I guess someone of you would have said something about that to us? Anyway, you kept us pretty worried all night.”

”I’m truly sorry, it won’t happen again” Taeyong said remorsefully.

Doyoung’s face eased up a bit. He bit his lip and looked down into his lap.

”So is it true?”

Taeyong obviously knew what Doyoung was referring to. His friend was anything but stupid. He just wished that Doyoung would look at him.

He took a deep breath before saying it out loud. ”Yes.”

There was an incredibly awkward, thick silence between them. Doyoung got up from his bed and walked up to Taeyong. The older stood up to match the level of his eyes. He had no idea what was going through the younger’s mind at that moment.

”So… you and … Jaehyun are… like, like that?”

”Yes”

”And what did you do all night?”

Taeyong swallowed and refused to answer that. He just looked regretfully Doyoung in the eyes with his furiously blushing cheeks. However, Doyoung’s eyes widened, and Taeyong knew he understood.  
However, he was completely flabbergasted when Doyoung suddenly slapped him on his face.  
  
”That’s for fucking my friend!” He spitted out.

Taeyong was utterly confused, however, he should have expected it. He put his hand over his aching cheek and rubbed it. Doyoung was frowning, but his eyes didn’t shine of hatred or anything, he was just pissed off. Taeyong looked him in the eyes for a few seconds until he saw Doyoung’s breathing calming down and his facial expressiong getting less tense.

”Doyoung-ah, I’m your friend too” he said in a small voice.

Doyoung scoffed. ”Yes, and that’s why I’m gonna slap Jaehyunnie too”

Taeyong couldn’t help but laugh at his outburst, and soon enough he saw a smile creeping up on his hot-tempered friends face. He took it as a sign that the worst was over, so he grabbed Doyoung and hugged him tight, saying ”I’m so sorry, I’ll contain myself next time. Just please tell me we’re cool?”

Doyoung slowly hugged him back.  
”I’m still angry but yes, we’re cool. Go pack now so we can get going to Chile. I’m dying to try some wine”  
  
”And you don’t even like wine.”  
  
  
  
  


After his discussion with Doyoung, he messaged Jaehyun telling him about their friend’s reaction. Knowing the group had speculated about their relationship the day before it was probably best to just break it out to everyone before they went talking about it to their management. Despite Doyoung’s slightly aggressive reaction Taeyong thought he had taken the news very well, so he felt more confident talking about the matter with the rest. After all, two of them already knew about them, which meant that they only had to face Mark, Taeil, Yuta and Jungwoo. Taeil was a sweet, shy guy who would probably just be happy for them – Yuta was Taeyong’s best friend who probably knew he was gay way before Taeyong knew it himself – Jungwoo was just… adorable (how could he possibly get angry?) – leaving only Mark to be the one to convince. Mark would surely accept them, but he was afraid that straight guy Mark would keep his distance to them in the future if he for some reason felt threatened (The rest of their crew? Well, Donghyuck would lovingly tease them to death. Winwin might be a harder nut to crack. Ten knew most of it. The Dreamies and their Chinese members…? They would probably hear the rumors before Taeyong even got a chance to talk to them). So he and Jaehyun had decided to tell them in the van when they left for the airport. Jaehyun looked like Casper the ghost when he entered the van. He had told him that he wasn’t afraid of their group, but boy, was he nervous. Taeyong had reserved the place next to him, and smiled assuringly at Jaehyun when he got himself seated. He grabbed his hand and squeezed hard, telling him wordlessly that they would be alright.  
A few minutes after they’d left their street Taeyong leant in to Jaehyun’s ear and whispered some soothing nonsense in encouragement. Jaehyun squeezed his hand even harder, not caring if the rest saw it or not. It wouldn’t matter in a few seconds anyway. Taeyong turned in his seat to face the rest of their group.

”Ehm, everyone, I … Me and Jaehyun have something to tell” he said.

Johnny showed a thumb up in approval and shushed the rest of the group down, like he understand exactly what was going on.

”Oh it must be about yesterday!!” Mark said excitedly.

Taeyong swallowed hard. Oh well.

”We’re sorry about yesterday. Don’t… let’s not talk about that anymore though. It’s something between me and Jaehyun and I hope you guys understand. It’s just that… ehm… ”  
His voice started to crack out of nervousness. It didn’t felt like coming out or anything because he’d been pretty open about his lack of interest in the opposite sex earlier as well, but it was a completely different thing to actually be in a relationship in their situation. Jaehyun felt his hesitation, patted his back before leaving his hand to rest around Taeyong’s neck. Johnny nodded assuringly as to tell him to go on.

”Johnny-Hyung and Doyoung-ah already know but… ” (whereas Mark and Jungwoo looks surprisingly at the older boy’s mentioned) ”but Jaehyun and I, we’ve decided to … uhm.. I guess you could say we’re dating?” Taeyong says while looking questioning on Jaehyun.  
  
”Yes, we are” Jaehyun agrees in his soothing, calm voice.

Taeyong looks back at the rest of the group. As he suspected, Mark’s looking shocked, while the other’s just stare at them with mouths hanging open. Doyoung coughs awkwardly.

Taeil is the first to say something. ”Well, congratulations?”

”OH MY GOD what the actual fuck?” Mark says loudly in english. Jungwoo pokes at Mark and says ”I knew it right, I knew it!!”in a happy manner. Yuta looks surprised but doesn’t say anything. He smiles, but his smile is sad – lonely, even. Taeyong can’t put a finger on what it is, and it saddens him.

Jaehyun continues. ”We’re just asking for you to keep this inside our group, please. We’ll try to hide it from the management, even though I’m not sure how that’ll work…”

Taeyong continues nervously. ”We just felt that we owe you to tell you what’s going on. But it this get’s out to the press we’re pretty much fucked”

Jungwoo giggles into the still shocked Mark’s ear. ”They’re already talking in ”We”-form like an old married couple”.

”I’m happy for you guys, let’s hope everyone just keeps their mouth shut” Johnny said looking at their younger members meaningly.

”Mmm. But yeah, that’s it. So. Okay, I’m, I’m gonna listen to some music now. Talk about whatever you want but please don’t make a big deal out of this”. Taeyong saw Mark miming to Jungwoo ”NOT TO MAKE A BIG DEAL…???” The pink haired boy didn’t wait to see how the younger boys discussion continued – he turned back to face the road, took out his airpods and put on some music. This talk had worn him out completely and he didn’t have any social energy left to face the members reactions and questions. He needed his alone time now – just him, the road and his music. He knew the rest would understand, since they’d known each other for years.

He guessed he should feel happy. He DID feel happy, since he finally really could say that Jaehyun was his boyfriend of sort, but for some reason the stress had taken the most of the joy out of it. He would have to gather himself again, regain his social energy and his confidence and furthermost, trust his members. They’d be doomed if someone’s tongue slipped. All those thoughts of uncertainty caused him to feel the anxiety building up inside him again. He turned up the volume in an attempt to drown his thoughts in music, the one true passion he had next to dancing that had brought him and Jaehyun together.

He felt a warm, soothing hand grab his again. It felt so very good, and it swept away some of his anxiety, a little bit at least.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This feels a little like an ending, perhaps? I don't want it to end, but since i'm pretty worn out by this story i might need some encouragement :'D


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I decided to continue after all. Thank you for your support<3 
> 
> Fun fact: i was at both Osaka concerts, witnessed a few jaeyong moments for real so gotta say i'm pretty blessed...

 

The last few days had been crazy; they hadn’t been sleeping - barely eating actually. Preparations for their very first own tour was everything they’d expected to be: stressful but exciting. They weren’t really surprised by the amount of working hours needed to put together a show like this; after all, training for the company back in the days had been a 24/7 job.  Johnny bought lots of strong black coffee to everyone and Taeyong survived on sweets alone. The day when he had to face the grid for the Wake up stage for the first time he nervously downed a whole huge bag of cookies for himself, resulting in him having a horrific sugar crash just before. Mark had to run after a bucket when the older starting feeling nauseous balancing on the top of the grid. Luckily he got used to it after a few practices and could start enjoying the feeling of facing his fears. Talking about facing dears - that’s exactly what he and Jaehyun’s been doing for the past few days.  


They had been taking it slow after their confession in the car. Even though everyone seemed to be pretty fine with this new change of dynamics in their group of members, they were still beating around the bush for the most of it. Mark had been acting a little awkward around them, which made especially Taeyong, in the role of their leader, feel particularly bad. He had asked Jaehyun to tone it down in front of Mark. That however meant that they didn’t really touch each other at all during the days since they’d spent almost every waking hour together with the group. And since their schedule was so busy, it was easier to just fall in bed at night than to stay awake and wait for some privacy. Taeyong had secretly hoped that they’d be paired up as roommates in Chile for once, but history repeated itself once again and paired him up with someone else (After Taeyong’s awkward tries on flirting with Jaehyun years and years ago, the company had decided that it was better to keep the two apart when it came to sleeping in the same room). But like magnets they were drawn together whether they wanted or not. Taeyong remember Jaehyun pulling out a camera just before one of their SM town stages, and it felt special for some reason – maybe it was because they were the only ones sharing the screen, maybe it was because Jaehyun had briefly kissed him on the cheek a few seconds before turning the camera on. Some chilean staff member might or might not have seen them. Johnny saw the clip later on and commented how ridiculously happy he looked in that short scene next to Jaehyun. They looked so good together, too. These were the small moments he survived on.

The dilemma with the company was however yet to start.    
  
  


Their first ever full concert in Seoul was a huge success. Taeyong didn’t believe he could get any prouder regarding the full ensemble of NCT, yet their 127 unit succeeded to exceed his own expectations every time and filled his heart with gratification. He was so humbled seeing all thousands and thousands of fans coming there just to see them sing and dance. Tears of happiness were shed on the stage as well as afterwards when they all joined in for a big group hug. Taeyong felt so blessed to lead such a troop as 127. Seeing Donghyuck on stage again warmed all of their hearts, but obviously it saddened them to hear that his leg wasn’t nearly as good as it should be to join the rest of the tours in Japan.  
“I really wish Sicheng could have performed with us in Seoul at least” Yuta said sadly. He had been messaging the Chinese boy a lot recently since the other obviously was interested in how things were going in his original unit. The Japanese boy didn’t say it out loud, but everyone knew he was awfully afraid of Winwin being pulled out of their unit officially.  
Apart from that, everyone was really exalted over the response they got from the crowds tonight. Their managers and tour producers were really pleased as well, and after a briefing on what they should do differently the next day they all went out for dinner and to rest. They would have time to celebrate after their second concert.

Taeyong couldn’t sleep that night though. He went through the whole concert in his mind over and over again, analyzing every song, every step and every line he had sung. There had been minor mistakes here and there, had anyone noticed? He hoped they hadn’t appeared as unprofessional since there was some lightstick malfunctions. What if they had been playing around too much during the songs near the end of the performance? And what would people think about his dance in Baby don’t like it, was it too much? It was his own idea to dance around the grid, touching his own thighs lower and lower – the producer had asked him to tone down the stripper vibes and focus on eyefucking (as he called it) the camera instead, which he gladly did too, imaging there was someone completely else watching instead of the fangirls in the audience. Damn, he really wished he could have got his hands on the recording immediately so he could assess how the group as a whole performed. Jaehyun had had a short solo stage too which Taeyong already watched, and there were some minor details he wanted to discuss with him tomorrow. And with that his thoughts started to spiral away from his own performance to Jaehyun again. Eventually he found himself fantasizing about Jaehyun kissing him passionately inside one of those semi-transparent boxes between their stages, hearing the roar of the audience that was completely unaware of their actions. He thought about Jaehyun cupping him through his trousers just before walking out on stage, making his pants strain him while dancing. It was way past 4 am when he decided to see if his boyfr--- (was it really okay to actually think that out loud in his head?) his boyfriend was still awake. Maybe he could quickly meet up with him in the kitchen while their roommates slept?  
  
_“I can’t sleep”_ he texted.  
  
When he didn’t get any response he concluded Jaehyun was sleeping. He rolled around the bed for a few minutes before getting up and taking a sleeping pill. He didn’t like the idea of taking drugs to sleep but sometimes that was the only thing that made his nerves calm down enough for him to get his well needed rest. A good shag might have done it too.  
  
  
  
  


The next day’s concert was a little more interesting.  Now, less nervous than before, Taeyong was able to monitor his other members better compared to yesterday. His fantasies from the night before tickled his mind, causing a pleasant thrill travel down his spine whenever he saw Jaehyun expose his beautiful neck or grab his own thigh. He was way too focused on the performance to actually get turned on during it, but it didn’t hinder him from taking a look at his now sweaty boyfriend every now and then. He went a step too far during Angel though.  
  
In their practices of Angel they had played with the idea of doing some cute fanservice according to the sweet aspect of the song. Their choreographer had instructed them to do something heartwarming, like linking hands or hugging quickly during the verse.  
  
When the verse came Taeyong found himself in a somewhat tricky situation – Jaehyun, who was the member closest to him, looked briefly at him with the most beautiful of smiles when the intro to the song started playing.  He truly looked like an angel dressed in his white flowy shirt and dreamy eyes and soft curls of hair. Taeyong walked up to him, signaling the other to get up on his feet.  
  
_“It’s too much…._ ” However, it felt like time had stopped, and the only thing still moving was himself and the dimpled, white skinned angel in front of him – he was everything and so much more in Taeyong’s world. He couldn’t drag his eyes off Jaehyun, and before he noticed he was close enough to touch him.  He was so pretty.  
  
_“It’s too much, your red lips_ ” he rapped and couldn’t help it when his hand reached out to touch Jaehyun’s plump lower lip. The contact burned his finger tip, and he saw Jaehyun’s ear turn bright red. The immense noise from the audience helped him remember where he was, and he turned his attention back at the song.  
  
“ _You got to be mine”_ He felt light headed when Jaehyun’s hand wrapped around his neck – an innocent gesture  to the outside world, perhaps, but weighing heavily in their relationship as a sign of dominance and belonging. The feeling of being watched by thousands of people made his head spin, and he suddenly felt the strong urge to clash their lips together here on stage just to show Jaehyun that he was confidently his and only his. How bad could it be, it was just love, after all? “None of the beautiful words that exist can explain you…” He turned to Jaehyun and looked piercingly into his eyes, seeing the younger’s eyes shining with an equally lively fire as his own. He reached out for the younger again and wrapped his fingers delicately around the nape of his neck, seeing Jaehyun’s eyes flickering to his lips back and forth when he pulled him closer. There wasn’t much left of his verse anyway, so it would have been the world’s easiest thing to just kiss him there and then, but luckily something made the bubble burst and he was suddenly awfully aware of their surroundings. He could absolutely not do this. Jaehyun pouted with his lips (in disappointment? as a gimmick? He did not know) when he felt Taeyong tense up, and pretty quickly the moment was over. It was embarrassing yes, but a good sort of embarrassing, and the older couldn’t help but crack up from happiness when he’d finished his part.

The kiss that didn’t get to be haunted them during the rest of the performance, and not before the next outfit change their lips got to be joined again. It was desperate and it was short, but Jaehyun couldn’t help but quickly grab Taeyong’s face and placed a long but hard kiss on Taeyong’s sealed lips as soon as they got back stage. Taeyong wheezed and hoped to the love of gods that his mic had gone off accordingly. When Jaehyun finally pulled away, the older couldn’t help it to lean in one more time to get a taste of the other’s lips with his tongue, just for a moment.  
  
Doyoung coughed somewhere in front of them. “Guys, we have two minutes to change so would you just, please, not… not now”.  
  
Taeyong pulled away, whispered a breathy “after the show, storage room?” to which Jaehyun answered “I’m getting hard just thinking about it”. Taeyong scoffed and gave him a quick slap on the bum, before hurrying to the dressing rooms to get changed. Doyoung gave him a judging look when he came running in unbuttoning his shirt on the go.

Taeyong felt a little bit bad for the fans during the rest of the concert – not because he wasn’t doing his best, which he obviously was – he owned everything to them, remember? But instead of focusing solely on his screaming fans the thought of Jung Jaehyun and the promise of sex messed up his mind. He wouldn’t normally get this turned on by just seeing Jaehyun dancing and jumping to his heart’s content, but it happened anyway. Mixed with his wanting and the effect the masses of fans had on him, he ended up crying on stage again since the amount of emotions were just simply too much. Anticipation, nervousness, love, fear – he was sure he had felt hundreds of different emotions during this last week, and now everything came crashing down on him in one go. Partly as an excuse to being disjointed, he told the fans how he hadn’t really been sleeping the night before, which of course also was the truth. He hoped from the bottom of his heart that his fans had been happy with his performance during these two shows, since without their love and appreciation, he was nothing but a pretty face with a shitty past.  
  
“Did I do well today, Jaehyunnie?” Taeyong breathed into Jaehyun’s ear. He was being pushed hard against the wall in the storage room. The door was locked behind then and the industrial lights shone hard onto the technical items and some personal belongings that were being kept there during the preparations for the tour. Jaehyun was breathing hot air onto Taeyong’s neck while trying to figure out how to open the knot on Taeyong’s colorful trousers.  
  
“Oh baby you did so, so well today, I’m so proud” he murmured and sucked onto the soft pale skin on the older’s neck. Taeyong himself was feeling Jaehyun’s sweaty, rock hard musculature under his heavy hoodie. He wanted to drag it off, but the younger wouldn’t let him.  
  
“I danced baby don’t like it just for you, did you see?” Taeyong felt his zipper being pulled down and a strong hand wandering down to cup his erection through his boxers.  
  
“Daddy couldn’t take his eyes off his little dancer” The younger but taller man said while massaging the other hard through the fabric of clothing.  
  
Oh Taeyong likes that, he wanted nothing more than to be Jaehyun’s little private dancer; a filthy obscene pink-haired boy with see-through shirts and skinny, skinny pants. Jaehyun’s rude words aroused him immensely, and he tried to squirm out of the younger’s grip so that he could strip the other one and lick the sweat off his toned body. They didn’t have much time though, so he just let it happen the way his lover wanted.

  
Jaehyun met his lips in an open mouthed kiss, and they kissed ravishingly, letting out shamelessly loud moans since they were sure the rest of the crew were busy with everything else. They hadn’t been able to kiss this fiercely since the night in the hotel – and Taeyong couldn’t believe how much he had missed the feeling of having Jaehyun’s tongue battling his own, breathing the same hot air, tasting the same taste of passion or whatever you could call it. Jaehyun’s lips were wet and glistening and felt exactly as good as he had anticipated while being on stage serenading their song Angel to him.  
  
The younger boy’s hand ventured under his boxers and gripped his length hard, forcing out a squirm from Taeyong’s mouth. He didn’t know if the other one was hard like him, so he quickly broke the kiss to look down at Jaehyun’s hand inside his pants, stroking his cock hard. The bulge in Jaehyun’s own pants was prominent, making Taeyong’s mouth water even more. He needed that cock like he needed air.  
  
“I want you, hurry up please” He pleaded and squeezed the other boy’s hard buttocks through his pants.  
Jaehyun hummed happily, pushed down Taeyong’s boxers to the floor together with his pants, and went to caress his bum with his other hand. It didn’t take long before his fingers found the anticipating tightness.  
“I can’t wrap my head around how you can be this wet for me even though you’re a man” he murmured before falling down to his knees and taking him quickly into his mouth. The pink-haired boy vailed and grabbed hold of the younger’s hair. He forced his legs wider opened so he could get better access for prepping. He sat himself under Taeyong’s spread out legs and licked his way from the shaft of his cock to the sensitive perineal area. Soon enough the older could feel a warm wetness encircling his opening and he let out a loud gasp, partly from the feeling alone, partly from the realization of what the other was doing.  
  
“Oh my god Jaehyunnie” he moaned, and covered his own eyes.  
  
Jaehyun hummed joyfully; apparently enjoying the reaction he got from his lover, and started working his tongue against the hard rim. Taeyong had never been eaten out like this before, and he would be lying if he didn’t say he enjoyed the sight of Jaehyun beneath him, licking him juicily wet on his most private parts. He felt like he could come from this alone, so without much thinking he started stroking himself above Jaehyun.  
  
Since they didn’t have much time, Jaehyun soon stopped and rose up to his feet. He now forced down Taeyong onto his knees and ordered him to help him out of his clothes. Taeyong pulled his trousers and boxers off desperately, not bothering to make it any bit teasing or romantic. He waited for an invitation to taste him. Jaehyun grabbed his hair and pulled his face closer, that being the invitation the older was looking for. Taeyong sucked hungrily, wanting to please his man as well as he could. He could feel the younger boy’s heartbeat pulsating in his own cheek. Jaehyun moaned and petted the older’s hair. A little later he pulled out, earning a questioning look from the pink haired boy down on the floor.  
  
“Spit” He said in a shaky voice. The older obeyed, coating the big, veiny cock in his own saliva.  
  
“Get up and turn around” A shiver went through Taeyong’s body since he knew what was about to come. His cap and vest had fallen on the floor a while ago, and he wasn’t wearing much else than his Neo City-t-shirt. He positioned himself against the wall and peeked over his shoulder to watch the younger boy.  
  
Jaehyun was admiring his backside, and stroked him over his hips with his long fingers.  
  
“Oh Taeyong-ah…” He said dreamily.  
  
Taeyong’s own cock was hurting from throbbing want, and he felt his own pre-cum drip down his thigh. He didn’t want to wait much longer. He pleaded and vailed, stroking himself thoroughly and hard. Eventually, when Jaehyun thought he was ready, he aligned himself and pushed his tip against the tight entrance. They didn’t have any lube with them, but Taeyong thought he could handle it with spit and just pure wanting.  
   
“You ready, babe?” Jaehyun whispered into his ear.  
  
“Been ready since I first laid my eyes upon you” he vailed back breathily.  
  
Jaehyun chuckled and steadied his grip, before forcing himself slowly into the older boy. Taeyong bit his lip so not to scream due to dryness, but he still wanted to feel the other inside him desperately. It hurt a lot though, almost as much as the first time he was stretched out by Jaehyun. He was thankful for the little preparation they had though. He heard Jaehyun breath “oh my god” for himself when he had inserted himself completely inside Taeyong. The older focused on his breathing since the burn in his lower backside was barely tolerable. Being aware of Taeyong’s discomfort, he let him adjust to his size for a minute or so by joining his hands with Taeyong’s around his cock. He kissed the skin of neck peeping out under his t-shirt, teasing with his teeth to make sure it left a mark. He knew the older secretly loved having hickies placed out around his pale small frame.  
  
Soon enough he started moving carefully, earning sighs of pleasure from the older that had finally gotten somewhat used to the pain. A few times he cried out of pain, but assured the younger that it was okay to continue. Jaehyun was surprised to find how fast the ride become slick again (and amazed over how Taeyong’s body was so ready and eager for him) and when he only heard sweet moans from Taeyong he started to thrust faster. Taeyong had to let cross his arms on the wall to protect his head from hitting it, leaving Jaehyun alone in pleasuring his otherwise unattended length.  
  
“You’re being such a good boy for me Taeyong-ah, aren’t you?” Jaehyun said in an unstable low murmur. Taeyong suddenly realized that the younger hadn’t used a single honorific during their foreplay today, and it turned him on like crazy. Being the older one had never really suited him anyway – he had always been the maknae of the family back home. Would he dare to ask him to talk down to him on a regular basis?  
  
“Aren’t you?” Jaehyun repeated with a slightly harder thrust. Taeyong let out a small scream that he muffled with his arm, before whimpering in agreement.  
  
Jaehyun wasn’t however pleased with the answer. He pulled himself almost completely out before ramming into the older completely. The older bit his arm in a mixture of pleasure and pain. The younger repeated the move a few times, until tears started falling out of the older’s eyes. He pulled out completely; keeping Taeyong’s shaking legs stable by holding him up by his hip. With tears in his eyes the older whimpered and pleaded for more. The pressure building up in his lower stomach was excruciating, and he desperately needed his release soon or he would lose his mind.  
  
“Pl…please.. just.. just do it already” He said shakily  
.  
Jaehyun petted him over his hair again, before teasingly playing with his tip next to the red, sore entrance.  
“What did you say? I didn’t hear you”  
  
“Please…..”  
  
“Please, what? Remember your place, babe”  
  
“Please daddy Jung, give it to me” And with those words he felt himself stretch open again around Jaehyun’s thick, rock hard cock. The younger started pounding faster and faster, until his breathing was erratic and shallow. Since Jaehyun was constantly hitting his prostate in just the right angle, Taeyong deduced he wouldn’t last for very long and focused on standing upright and remembering to breath.  
  
“Jaehyunnie I’m… gonna come, please come too” He said quickly before shutting his eyes and focusing on his orgasm that was knocking on his door. Jaehyun’s moans got louder and with a few hard pushes he managed to make Taeyong come hard against the wall. The older boy’s high pitched whimper was the sign to let himself go over the edge, and soon enough his hips were frantically contracting against the older boy’s backside. Sensitive as he was, Taeyong could feel Jaehyun’s load shooting up and it was enough for his vision to turn black for a few seconds.

They were both panting against the wall, trying to puzzle together their equally scattered minds. Taeyong’s legs were shaking so hard he was sure he would fall limply down to the floor if Jaehyun wasn’t holding him up by his hips. Piece by piece he started to regain his sense of reality again, becoming aware of the sounds of the crew tearing down their stage somewhere not that far away.  
  
“That was the most amazing show of my life” Jaehyun said gleefully and pulled out, making the older wince. Fuck, this was gonna hurt big time tomorrow, Taeyong thought.  
  
“Are… Are you talking about the actual show-show or this show?” He said with a strained smile.  
  
Jaehyun laughed and slapped him lightly on the bum. “Tss, obviously Neo city, you cute fool. Come on, we need to head back”.  
  
Easier said than done - Taeyong had to steady himself not to fall, but tried his best to pull up his boxers and trousers with trembling fingers. When he finally straightened himself up again he could feel his head spinning and his blood pressure dropping. He craved for something salty to eat to compensate for the liters of sweat he’d lost today on the stage. And a shower. A long, thorough shower.  
  
Jaehyun was his normal decent self in no time, even though his hair stood out in weird angles under his snapback. The next time I will leave bruises on his pale skin too, Taeyong thought bitterly when he remembered the slight sting on his neck.

They were about to leave, so Jaehyun unlocked the door and opened it – only to be standing face to face to a female staff member with her hand on the door handle. She looked utterly confused to find Jung Jaehyun hiding in a storage room. She bowed haphazardly and started rambling about getting some of her stuff out. Jaehyun stepped aside to let her in.  
  
 “…and I think I left my coat here as w-“ she suddenly stopped talking when she saw a disheveled, pretty much destroyed version of Lee Taeyong standing next to the wall. You could see that the gears were turning feverishly inside her head, until a bright redness crept up on her cheeks upon realization. She could probably smell it too.  
  
“Uhm… I’m… I’m so sor…” She started.

  
Jaehyun signaled Taeyong to get moving, so he gave her a slight nod before forcing his stiff limbs out of the room. He heard Jaehyun apologizing, making sure she understood there was nothing for her to feel sorry about. She gathered her things and followed Jaehyun out of the room before awkwardly spurting away along the corridor. Taeyong felt how all the blood vanished from his face when he realized what just had happened. He gripped his lovers arm hard to stop himself from shaking. Jaehyun shushed him and grabbed his neck endearingly.  
  
“Relax babe, she didn’t see anything”  
  
“Don’t call me that here!!!” He hissed in reply, before pacing away to the dressing room.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
They were greeted by six pairs of startled eyes when they entered the room.  
“Jaehyunnie-hyuung!! Taeyongie-Hyung!! Woooww where did you go?? You totally missed celebration but I guess we’ll just need to open up another bottle” Mark said gleefully with a glass of champagne in his hand. Yuta was sitting topless on the bench with a glass in his hand, raising an eyebrow at his pink haired friend who awkwardly sat himself down next to him. Taeyong was so ashamed so he didn’t even take the chance to steal a glance at the Japanese boy’s tight upper body. Gosh, they all knew, they all –… well they all knew except for Mark who was still apparently in innocent denial.  
  
“Yongie, your zipper’s open and your vest is inside out” He said neutrally. The pink haired boy’s cheek got even pinker and he pulled his zipper up immediately. Jaehyun was already drinking champagne and chatting with Taeil about the concert, so once again Taeyong couldn’t blame anyone else than himself for the awkward vibe filling the room. He grabbed a glass from Mark (who definitely shouldn’t be the one serving alcohol) and downed the champagne so quick he earned another judging look from Yuta. He scanned the room cautiously. Doyoung had a lazy look on his otherwise expressive face, smutting on his glass even though Taeyong was 100 percent sure he didn’t like the taste one bit. Taeil was talking about some epic moment on stage while Jaehyun was laughing heartily at his Hyung’s excitement. Jungwoo was messing around with Donghyucks cast while Mark tried his best to protect the bottle in his lap from the maknae of the group.  Johnny was filming something on his phone while Yuta tried his best not to get caught on camera without a shirt. Taeyong asked Mark to pour him another glass and soon he started to relax a little as well. It didn’t last too long, though.  
Maybe 10 minutes later one of their managers came in and signaled Taeyong to get up. He swore to  himself silently, not at all ready to deal with company shit right now. He saw Jaehyun throwing him a look. Don’t fuck up.  
  
“You did a great job of stage tonight, Taeyong. There’s just a few minor issues we need to t-..” their Manager hyung started with a stone cold face.  
  
“Just cut the crap Hyung, what did I do wrong?” Taeyong said impatiently and crossed his arms. Hidden out of sight he was crossing his fingers and praying to all the gods that ever was that the girl who caught them in an awfully awkward post-coital state of mind had kept his pretty mouth shut. He glanced around the empty hallway. Maybe there was a window of some sort he could jump out of if it got too embarrassing?  
The manager sighed and crossed his arms as well.  
  
“This is not hard for me to say but…” Oh god oh god oh god oh god, oh, dear god. “…But I think you should tone it down a bit around Jaehyun on stage”  
  
Taeyong exhaled slowly in relief. Toning it down, that didn’t sound too bad.  
  
“What do you mean?”  
  
“During Angel it almost seemed like you were gonna kiss him. You know my boss doesn’t tolerate stuff like that, it was a bit awkward for all of us”  
  
“Ever heard of fanservice…?” Taeyong mumbled and smiled. He had never been this relieved in his whole life.  
  
Their manager clicked his tongue and made a strained face.  
“Mhm. Yeah. Well there’s that. There’s a reason we won’t let you be roommates with him, you know”.  
Well sure, Taeyong knew very well that there was a reason. Was it during one of their first shootings of NCT life back in the days when he got scolded for slapping Jaehyun’s ass on screen? The only reason they didn’t edit it out was because the fans loved it. Little did their management know that the fans were right after all – it was anything but fanservice.  
  
“There is? Please, enlighten me. I’ve always wondered why I can’t sleep with Jaehyun” It might have sounded like a careless choice of words, but it really wasn’t. It was just the alcohol in his blood making him spill out the tea so blatantly they would never believe it was true.  
  
Their manager chose to ignore the insinuating comment. “Taeyong. Please, tone it down. You can’t afford even the slightest scandal anymore or you’re screwed. We will relocate you in that song for Neo City Japan. Try not to provoke the higher ups anymore. Now, go enjoy yourself, you guys have really deserved it” He patted Taeyong brotherly on his back before walking away.  
  
Taeyong, however, couldn’t just yet go back. Introverted as he was, he needed a moment for himself first before returning to the loud chatter of the rest of the group.   
He continued walking in the opposite direction as their manager, until he came to a back door leading out from the building. He felt desperate for air, but not in that nice way Jaehyun made him feel during sex. Even though he dodged a bullet it still felt like a little part of it had ripped at his lungs. Their manager's words rang in his head. This will be such a hard relationship to maintain when they're barely even allowed to take selcas together. But Taeyong knew it would be worth it in the end. Once he had got a taste of Jung Jaehyun he knew he wouldn't be able to survive without him in his life. They were fated, after all.  
Taeyong got out to the parking lot through some door with a blinking exit sign above it. The cold air felt amazing on his hot, bruised skin. He took a deep breath only to end up coughing since there was some technicians smoking next to him on the loading platform.  
  
The technicians got interrupted in their chattering to turn to watch Taeyong. He felt ridiculously out of place in the bright colored stage clothes he was still wearing.  
  
"Hey, aren't you one of those dancing boys?" one of them said, pointing his cigarette towards him.  
Taeyong nodded, afraid he might say something stupid if he opened his mouth.  
  
"My daughter loves you guys to the moon and back - or maybe it might have been some other group? Can't remember, but you get the drill" another one of them said with a laugh. It was a kind laughter though, so Taeyong relaxed a little. He envied the chilled atmosphere among the men. No press, no management, no boyfriends, no loud obnoxious teenagers. He wanted to have what those men had, if even just for a few minutes.  
  
"Relax a little, join us for a cig" the first man continued. Taeyong was intrigued, so he stepped closer and accepted the cigarette being offered to him. He remembers trying smoking once or twice in his youth, inspired by those bad guys getting all the hot girls in Hollywood movies. The black smoke tickled his airpipes and he choke down a few awkward coughs. After a few inhales it started to feel more tolerable, and he had to admit that he liked the feeling of his body and mind getting mellower. Maybe it was just the alcohol, he couldn't say.  
  
They technicians talked about some shit on the news, not paying attention to Taeyong any more than he deserved. The pink haired boy was done smoking and stomped at the end with his shoe. He would need to visit a toilet soon too, still not having done that after Jaehyun fucked him in the storage room. He chuckled for himself, the sentence sounding awfully absurd in his head.  
He wished the technicians a good night and headed back inside.  
  
Everyone was quiet and anticipating when he returned to the dressing room, obviously dying to know what their manager had had to say to their leader. Jaehyun looked horrified with newly showered hair glued to his forehead. He was probably expecting the worse, considering the unfortunate event with the still unidentified crew member from before. Even Mark was silent.  
  
Johnny spoke up first. "You good? What did he say?"  
  
"That I can't be serenading Jaehyun anymore on stage" he said nonchalantly with a faint blush on his cheeks. "But yeah, he just wanted to congratulate for a great show"   
  
"That's it?" Jaehyun burst out and got up to his feet.   
  
“You did what to Jaehyun?” Mark exclaimed loudly. Johnny gave him a look.  
  
“He pretended to sing Angel to Jaehyunnie-hyung, it was so cute, I can show you on youtube” Jungwoo said in the teeny weeny happy voice of his and picked up his phone.  
  
“Pretended…?” Johnny added.  
  
"Oh my, and poor manager Hyung thinks that’s the worst that could happen..." Yuta said sarcastically, obviously still judging Taeyong ruthlessly since he knew exactly what had been going on after the concert. He knew it wasn’t the nicest way to treat the rest of the members wanting to celebrate a successful concert together as a group, but they hadn’t harmed anyone except for themselves, perhaps. So since when did Yuta have the right to judge, Taeyong thought to himself. After all, he's the one crying after Winwin night after night. Yuta would surely do the same if he was in Taeyong’s position, right?  
  
“Yuta, snip it, don’t make stuff up” Taeyong said pleadingly looking at his Japanese friend.  
  
“Oh so you just disappeared with Jaehyun-ah for 30 minutes to take off your clothes and put them back on the wrong way?  
  
“Please.”  
  
They ended up staring at each other until the Japanese boy’s eyes softened and he lowered his head in an almost invisible apologetic bow. The pink haired boy breathed out, not even noticing he had been holding his breath due to the awkward atmosphere.  
  
Jaehyun came up to Taeyong and touched his elbow lightly. He gave him a small peck on his cheek, making the older squirm a little from the embarrassment of having the whole group around.  He saw Yuta giving him an amused look. _You already admitted it to everyone. Chill._  
  
Jaehyun sniffed his hair subtly. "Did you go outside to the smoking platform with Hyung?"   
  
"Mhm" the older said and stroked the small of Jaehyuns back subtly, remembering how his nails had dig in to the flesh underneath just an hour earlier.   
  
Yuta coughed (Doyoung would normally be the one to do peevish remarks, however, he was still drowsy from the alcohol) and asked their leader if he was going to take a shower before they left for dinner - He was still wearing his filthy stage clothes after all. Taeyong was about to take his shirt of when he remembered the bruises from Jaehyuns teeth - not to talk about the huge purplish-kind-of-yellow mark on his ass from Jaehyun slapping him a few days back. He froze for a few seconds, thinking. No, he couldn’t strip here; in the worst case scenario they would believe Jaehyun was abusing him physically. He looked around the dressing room for a moment, went to pick up his casual clothing and a towel, before going into the shower room fully clothed. As soon as the door was locked he stripped and placed his stage clothes on a shelf next to the showers. He turned on the water and sighed of pleasure when the hot water reached his sore body. He felt so weak so he kneeled down on the floor and let the water hit him hard enough to massage his tense muscles up. He knew the others were waiting, but this moment, this moment just for himself, was everything he needed right now – so he took the time he deserved. He looked down on his bony body, seeing some red marks on his upper chest and one on his inner thigh. He didn’t like seeing himself naked like this, because it made him feel vulnerable and helpless. He needed to continue going to the gym once they got some time off again – some muscle would certainly do him good and make him feel more confident being naked next to his personal Adonis. Thinking about muscles, he remembered the make out session he had with Jaehyun in that bathroom at the back of the gym. He wondered how it would feel to do it together in the shower? He would definitely give it a try if they ever got to share a room again.  
  
Taeyong woke up from his daydreaming when someone knocked on the door to the shower room.  
  
Jaehyun’s voice came through the thin door. “Jungwoo’s getting hungry, hurry up will you?”  
  
“Hmm? Yeah, yeah, gimme a minute”. The burning in his behind suddenly intensified when he rose up to his feet way too fast. He grimaced and couldn’t help but let out a pained wince.  
  
“Yongie? You alright? Yongie-Hyung? Should I come in?” Jaehyun was getting nervous on the other side of the door.  
  
Taeyong was holding on to his knees and focused on breathing, waiting for the burn to die out. “Yes I’m fine, just tell them to wait a little bit longer” He wheezed while slowly straightening his back. He was reaching for his towel when Jaehyun opened the door and popped his pretty head in.  
  
“You okay baby?” He whispered with so much concern it made Taeyong’s heart bleed. But then again… Not here, definitely. Not. Here.   
  
“Oh my god Jaehyunnie get out, they’ll see” he said with a squeak and pulled the towel tighter around him. Damn, it would take some time for him to get used to the wonderful feeling of actually having a real boyfriend.  
  
  
  
  


Days went by without any bigger controversies. The couple lay a little low again around the rest of the boys since there had recently been too many embarrassing moments that especially Taeyong wanted to forget about. Warm kisses here and there behind closed doors and hidden corners had to do it while they were staying at the dorms. Unfortunately, Taeyong had taken up the nasty habit of smoking once in a while when the pressure got too heavy on him. Afraid of developing an addiction, he carefully restricted the secret moments for himself to just a couple times a week. Even though dancing alone in a dark room was still his preferred way to wind down, there were times when he just had to ease his anxiety by other means. It was a lot easier to sneak away to a smoke room at the airport than to start dancing in front of the mirrors in the duty free shopping area.

It was the second day of the Neo City tour in Osaka. The concert had been fantastic (even though there were some slight malfunctions with the big screen), and the close proximity to the audience had really inspired Taeyong to start interacting with his fans more. They had already discussed about increasing the amount of Vlives and turn it into a more personal experience for the viewers.  
  
Taeyong had once again sneaked out for a relaxing smoke on the backyard of theatre they were performing on. The wall behind his back was cold and wet but pretty much exactly what his steaming skin needed right now. He knew he shouldn’t be there, considering that fans would soon start to flood out of the building since the concert ended just a few minutes ago. He wanted to have just a couple of minutes for himself before returning to the group to do a vlive.  He missed Jaehyun’s touch, too. It was awfully difficult to find time and space to touch and taste each other during tours since they were always divided into separate hotel rooms. It had been so much easier with Ten a year ago since they actually got to share a room on numerous occasions. He couldn’t deny that he still missed those nights at the hotel with him – being awfully tired from a whole day of tough schedules, only to fall into bed with each other, fucking the others brains out and then collapsing from pure exhaustion. Should he feel guilty for thinking those thoughts? Maybe. Maybe not. He hadn’t been in love with Ten, after all.  
He exhaled a puff of smoke when he suddenly heard the door open behind him.  
   
“Oh here you are, I’ve been looking for-… Yongie? What are you doing?” It was Jaehyun. Of course it was Jaehyun.  
  
Taeyong turned to look at his lover, equally sweaty after finishing their performance.  
  
“… You’re smoking?”  
  
The older took another drag of the cigarette and looked down at his own shoes.  
“It happens. Anyway, we shouldn’t be here”  
  
Jaehyun stepped closer and grabbed hold of one of Taeyong’s wrists. The other was casually holding the cig next to his head. It was too dark to see his expression, but Taeyong was sure he looked angry.  
  
“You really shouldn’t be smoking. It’s not allowed”  
  
”I know.”  
  
”It’s bad for you”  
  
”I know that too, hip hooray for COPD”  
  
Jaehyun leaned closer and grabbed the older boy’s other wrist hard, making the cigarette fall to the ground. He stomped on it to put out the glow. The younger tightened the hold of his grip until his knuckles were shaking.  
  
“That hurts” Taeyong said, trying to hide as well as he could that he actually got aroused by the sudden act of violent intimacy.  
  
Jaehyun hissed next to his ear. “You know that’s disgusting too”  
  
“That’s why I tried to keep it a secret from you, Jaehyunnie”  
  
Jaehyun suddenly started to kiss his neck, and the older let his head fall back in pleasure.  
  
“It’s really sexy though…” he said with a breathy murmur and pressed his hips against the older man’s. “But you’re ruining your lungs”. He let go on one Taeyong’s wrists and lifted his hand to clutch his neck instead. He didn’t press hard, but hard enough for Taeyong to let out a tiny squeak.  
  
“And then you won’t be able to breathe…” His hand pressed harder on his throat, and when the older boy’s breathing started to hitch he felt an unsettling feeling in his gut resembling of fear. He trusted Jaehyun with all he got, but he suddenly remembered that they had never established a safe word for games like this. Cold sweat was breaking out on his back and he had to focus on the fact that the kind boy in front of him would never ever hurt him for real. It was a game, it was a game, it was just a game – and as a matter of fact Taeyong was getting ludicrously aroused by it. Jaehyun kept clutching Taeyong’s white throat while hovering his lips over his ear.  
  
“Oh Yongie, when did you become such a bad boy” Jaehyun said huskily and kissed his cheek.  
  
“I’m… I’m good” the older hissed hoarsely.  
  
“Yeah? Good for you, I only punish bad boys” Jaehyun released his grip on Taeyong’s throat making the latter gasp out loudly. Still trying to catch his breath, his chapped lips were met by Jaehyun’s soft ones. Jaehyun kissed him thoroughly and lovingly, making the older forget everything about the beautiful long fingers clutching his neck. A sweet moment later the other pulled away and traced the sharp jawline of the older with a smile lurking on his lips.  
  
“That was really hot” Taeyong managed to say. He didn’t want Jaehyun to think that he was taken aback by the sudden act of powerplay. He liked fear and pain and domination when it was afflicted on him by the right person – which Jaehyun was; he was the only right person.  
  
“Hmm? You liked it? I wasn’t sure you’d like it” Jaehyun chuckled and kissed the corner of his lip. “But drop the smoking thing, please. Now let’s head back bef-“  
  
Taeyong froze and moved away from Jaehyun’s hold.  
  
“What?” The younger turned around and saw a girl standing stupidly a few meters away, watching them with huge eyes. She had a phone in her hand.  
  
“She saw us!” Taeyong whispered and lifted mechanically his hands to cover his mouth.  
   
“Hey! You there!” Jaehyun shouted and waved apprehensively at the poor girl.  
   
”Ehm… Sorry, Sorry, I don’t speak...” She answered in English before backing away and walking quickly over to the bigger road, disappearing behind the corner.  
  
Taeyong paced back and forth, biting his nails. “What if she took a picture” he said nervously.  
  
“She wasn’t Asian, I’m sure she’s just a tourist who got scared by two men suddenly talking to her in a dark alley. She probably doesn’t have a clue about who we are” Jaehyun said calmly.  
  
“A girl that age around these corners just after the end of our concert? She could be a Czennie!”  
  
“Baby, calm down. It’s bound to happen someday anyway, but I’m 100% sure it’s not today. Let’s go inside now, okay?”  
  
  
  


They did the vlive as they were supposed to and went out for a late dinner. Yuta was over the moon after their successful Osaka tour and rambled on about meeting his parents and friends from school. Yuta’s excited smile cheered even Taeyong up, and he tried his best to relax - but the possibility of there being a picture of him and Jaehyun either kissing or choking one other outside the backdoor of their concert venue was freaking him out no matter what. Jaehyun had tried to calm him down by telling him that it would have anyway been too dark to take a picture without flash (which they would have noticed), but it helped only for a few minutes before the doubts started occupying his mind again. On their way to the restaurant Jaehyun tried to give him a kiss on the cheek (probably to cheer him up) but Taeyong turned his head away, not wanting to feel any more stress about getting caught by someone else outside their group.  
  
He dared to search for the hashtag of their shipname (of course he knew about it, it would be silly to think they would not, considering their activity on social media) on instagram and twitter. There were lots of pictures from their Seoul concert, a few newer ones featuring him and Yuta holding hands during Angel (since Jaehyun was transferred to another place on stage), some faked kakaotalk discussions between them... But no saesang pictures from earlier today.  
  
Jaehyun patted him on his back, obviously having seen what his distressed boyfriend was doing on his phone.  
  
“Stop doing that, will you? There’s nothing to worry about” he said softly. Ashamed, Taeyong closed the app. Johnny, who also had noticed their leader's quietness and discomfort, asked him cautiously if everything was alright. Taeyong nodded as a reply and glanced at Jaehyun as to tell him to stay silent.  
  
The food arrived and everyone ate with great appetite. Even Taeyong’s stomach eventually begun to rumble when the Japanese dish was set out in front of him. He couldn’t force down more than a few bites though. He blamed it on the mukbang he had with Taeil the day before when Johnny continued asking him about his health. Jaehyun suddenly poked his thigh and tapped on the older’s phone hidden in the pocket of his tight trousers. It took a few seconds for the older to understand that he was supposed to check it. Fair enough, Jaehyun had sent him a message that apparently wasn’t meant to be heard by the rest of the members around the table.  
  
_“I’m really turned on from earlier you know, I need your sexy ass naked in my bed tonight”_  


Taeyong quickly put the phone down after reading Jaehyun’s text. Jesus. His cheeks instantly flushed and he glanced nervously to his right to see if Johnny had been looking at his screen as well. Didn’t seem so, luckily, since the older boy was munching happily on his okonomiyaki.  
  
He looked back at Jaehyun who was looking vaguely at him with an anticipating, sneaky smile on his lips. Taeyong was totally not in the mood after the incident outside the venue earlier. He took up his phone again to type a reply and held it close to himself as not to show the screen to Johnny.  
  
_“Where are you going to send Jungwoo? Management will know if we book another room_ ”.  
   
After reading Taeyong’s reply the younger typed and erased something on his phone before leaning in to whisper into Taeyong’s ear instead.  
  
“Let’s go to another hotel”  
  
Taeyong shook his head and saw how Jaehyun’s shoulders sunk in the corner of his eye. The younger put his hand on Taeyong’s inner thigh and squeezed pleadingly.  
  
“No?”  
  
 When Taeyong put a big bite of food inside his mouth instead of replying, the younger leant in again close to his ear.  
  
“Hyung please, I really really need this” he whispered desperately and rubbed his way up the older’s thigh.  
Not really thinking about the other people around the table, Taeyong hissed “I can’t, okay?” through his stuffed mouth. Jaehyun watched him disappointedly for some seconds before retrieving his hand and turning back to focus on the food on his plate that was already getting cold.  
  
Taeyong couldn’t relax at all during the rest of their dinner, and wanted nothing else than to return to their hotel and bury himself under the soft covers of the posh hotel bed.  On the way back to their car Jaehyun tried to grab his hand, only to find Taeyong pulling away and crossing his arms over his chest. He mouthed “sorry” to the younger boy and shook his head slightly. He was so pretty, his boyfriend, even when he furrowed his brows in bafflement. It obviously wasn’t Jaehyun’s fault that Taeyong was feeling this anxious and frustrated, but he just hoped he could respect him for it and let him be when he wasn’t in the mood. He deliberately went to sit down between Taeil and Mark in the van.  
  
When they arrived at the hotel Jaehyun dragged him aside by his arm. Taeyong did the mistake to sigh loudly, since the tone in Jaehyun’s voice turned sour.  
  
“Are you angry with me?”  
  
“Of course not Hyunnie, I’m just gonna be stressed for a few days until I’m sure there’s no pictures of us out on social media”  
Jaehyun rolled his eyes.  
  
“Okay, well, I’m not gonna tell you to stop thinking about it since you obviously won’t. Try to relax a little, please?” He reached out to touch Taeyong again but the older back off a little and looked nervously around the lobby.  
  
“Not here” he said quietly.  
  
Jaehyun let his arms fall to his side and sighed disappointedly. Taeyong felt defenseless under the scrutiny of Jaehyun’s eyes and he started searching for his pack of cigarettes in his bag. He picked them up and was about to tell Jaehyun that he’ll be going out for a while, but Jaehyun stopped him with a rough grip of his arm.  
  
“Seriously, I told you not to smoke”.  
  
“I thought you said earlier that you think it’s sexy”.  
  
“Earlier, I did” Jaehyun said coldly and waited for Taeyong to leave.  
  
Taeyong's face dropped. He turned around and walked outside to find the smoking area, not wanting to discuss the matter with Jaehyun anymore. He lit the cigarette only to realize that he didn’t really feel like smoking anymore. He threw it away after one puff and went back inside.  
Jaehyun wasn’t waiting for him (and why would he, really?) so Taeyong decided to head straight back to his room. When he walked towards the elevator his phone buzzed. On the screen was instead a text notification from him.  
  
“ _I just want to touch you Taeyong, regardless of where we are. I understand why you don’t and that’s exactly why I didn’t plan on dating another idol…”_


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is very dialogue-heavy, But it was needed, I guess. Sorry if there's inconsistencies with timelines in reality...

Taeyong went straight up to Jaehyun’s and Jungwoo’s room. He couldn’t accept bullshit like this. Didn’t want to date another idol… What kind of hypocrite bullshit is that? Like Jaehyun was some random dude that could just walk the street with anyone without no-one giving a damn? A month earlier, Jaehyun had told him that he was afraid to fall in love with someone famous like him, saying something about just getting jealous of all the attention he got from the media, fans and other idols. He had noticed him being very possessive of him already from before, so it was understandable that Jaehyun wanted to prove to everyone that Taeyong belonged to him and him only. But Taeyong just couldn’t accept him being this selfish. He loved Jaehyun, desperately so – but he also had some self-respect.  
  
He knocked hard on the door, hearing Jaehyun say “who is it?” through the door.  
  
“It’s me. Open up” Taeyong said angrily.  
  
It took some awfully long seconds before Jaehyun opened the door, luckily not having had time to remove any other clothes than his shoes.  
  
“We need to talk and it can’t wait” he said firmly, however feeling himself shrink in front of the dominant one in their relationship.   
  
Jaehyun looked at him for a while before looking over his shoulder at Jungwoo who was sitting awkwardly on the bed.  
  
“Well…. I guess we need to get down to the lobby but it might get a bit crowded…” Jaehyun muttered.  
  
Jungwoo, however, was a bright kid, and sensed the tension in the room getting unbearable. He quickly got off to his feet. “Hyungs, I can go visit Taeil if you wanna talk here, it’s okay”  
  
“Absolutely not. This is our petty problem, not yours” Taeyong said softly.  
  
Jungwoo, who unfortunately felt like a nuisance to his Hyungs, looked around the hotel room like he was searching for another room to just magically appear. In fact…  
“I’m gonna take a shower anyway, if you don’t want me eavesdropping you could maybe go out on the balcony for a while… It’s glazed anyway…”  
  
Taeyong quickly took off his shoes and stepped in, leaving Jaehyun standing stupidly by the door. The older patted Jungwoo’s back and said “I’ll buy you a present for this, you’re the best, Jungwoo”. Jaehyun closed the door and walked slowly after Taeyong with his hands in his pockets.  
  
  
  
  
  
Taeyong waited for Jaehyun to close the balcony door behind him before speaking.  
  
“I have a really hard time understanding you Jaehyun-ah. I’ve known you for ages but I still can’t tell if you’re just a friend who finds me physically attractive or if you see me as something more than that.”  
  
Jaehyun sighed and crossed his arms.  
“Well it’s really hard pretending to be your boyfriend when you won’t let me act the part”  
  
“Why do you need to pretend to be my boyfriend? Can’t you just be it? It’s we who define what we are, not someone else.”  
  
“Well then at least let me be myself in front of the rest of the members. It feels fucked up to act to be just best friends when they all know it’ more than that.”  
  
Taeyong run a hand nervously through his hair. “I’m confused, you’re pretending to be my boyfriend but also act to be my best friend?  
  
“You’re turning me down all the time so I don’t know”  
  
“Don’t be childish. You said yourself you’re afraid of the company. Soon you’ll get us both fired”  
Jaehyun closed his mouth, swallowing his words. They both knew Taeyong was right. The older boy continued.  
  
“But it’s just not that. You turn me on an awful lot, I like it rough, I hunger for you intensly, but I’m not your toy. I’m freaking million dollars if I say it myself, not your regular cheap hoe. Respect me when I say no”

  
Jaehyun rolled his eyes and muttered something for himself.  
  
Taeyong’s voice almost cracked. “What did you say?”  
  
“I said you didn’t seem very expensive when you were fucking Ten just for the fun of it”  
  
Well then, so this is the game he plays. “This is the second time I say this but do NOT drag Ten into this.”  
  
“Were there others? I’m already madly jealous to know that I was not the one to take your… virginity so to speak, but I’m sure it’s naïve of me to think that Ten would have been the first”  
  
“You jealous of him?”  
  
“Of him? Of course. I’m jealous of everyone who lays eyes on you”  
  
Taeyong was getting quite agitated by this rate, but he tried his best to keep his voice down not to worry Jungwoo. “You really don’t get the difference between him and you, do you? The relationship I had… that I still have with Ten is something completely different from the one I want to have with you – the only thing you have in common is sex, which now apparently seems to be the only thing on your mind. Do you even like my person in that special way that makes your heart flutter? Would you still like me if my skin got saggy and my hair fell off? Or are you only out there for a good, easy fuck?  
  
Jaehyun was taken aback by the tone in Taeyong’s voice, and he took a step back in defense.  
  
“Of course… Of course I would. It’s just… It’s just so hard not to desire you when you’re looking like THAT and standing a mere meter from me”  
  
“Can’t you feel anything else than desire for me?”  
  
Jaehyun’s ears turned red. “Taeyong, I love-“  
  
Taeyong quickly interrupted him, even though his heart ached to hear the sentence being finished.  
“No. Don’t say that now because I won’t believe you and it’ll just feel fake. If you… If you truly mean what you were about to say, say it another time, another day, when circumstances are happier”.  
  
Jaehyun looked baffled, but shut his mouth and lowered his gaze in defeat.  
  
“Maybe I should stop washing my hair and buy ugly clothes so that your teenage hormones wouldn’t get provoked” Taeyong said sarcastically.  
  
The other pouted. “I’m not a teenager”  
   
“Well that statement proved it true”  
  
Jaehyun didn’t bother to reply, but just kept looking down on his own feet, changing his weight from leg to leg. Taeyong was feeling horribly cold but he tried to keep his posture firm and proud as to show his boyfriend that he wasn’t weak. His shoulders were shaking pretty bad though.  
  
Jaehyun saw him struggling, however. “Okay, well, I don’t want to fuck this up. What can I do for you to make this better?”  
  
“Just be yourself, like we used to be for many years before this drama happened. You can still be my best friend as well as my boyfriend. Respect me, please. And help me keep this a secret, will you? This will be the end of us it if comes out to the public. Please?” The older begged, feeling very uncomfortable.  
  
“Fine. As long as you let me hug you and hold your hand in front of the members”  
  
Well, they had already confessed to them so maybe he’ll just need to get used to the affectionate touchy-feely version of Jaehyun. “Okay.”  
  
“And one more thing. Tell your sister about us.”  
  
Taeyong’s jaw dropped. “What?”  
  
“Yeah, do it, do it for me. I want someone from the outside world to know about us. It makes it feel more real.”  
  
“Well can’t you tell some of your relatives??”  
  
“I want it to be you”  
  
“Jesus Christ”.  
  
 Jungwoo conveniently knocked on the glass door from the inside, clad in a towel, looking both worried and curious.  
  
“We need to get in, I’m freezing. I’ll think about it. I promise.” Taeyong said before opening the door and stepping inside the warmth of the hotel room. Jaehyun soon followed, giving Jungwoo a loving squeeze on his arm. He was about to put on his shoes again when someone knocked on the door. Taeyong, who was anyway about to leave, opened it and found a disappointed-looking Johnny standing by the door.  
  
“You’re seriously here bickering? Leave the poor guy alone for fuck’s sake” Johnny said and nodded in Jungwoo’s direction. Taeyong damned their groupchat silently in his head. Even though Jungwoo probably hadn’t said a thing, a lonely Taeil in his and Taeyong’s shared room was enough to make everyone figure out that something was up with him and Jaehyun. He nodded discretely in Johnny’s direction and turned around to say goodbye to the two younger boys.  
  
Jaehyun came up to him.  
“We cool?” He asked.  
  
“Mhm.” Taeyong answered. Quite so, at least for now.  Jaehyun decided to embrace him tightly as a goodbye, and Taeyong had to admit that it felt warm and cozy and just about right. Jungwoo was hiding a smile looking at them.

  
  
  
  
  


Days went by, their tight concert schedule keeping them busy. Jaehyun had kept his promise and seemed to be more relaxed around Taeyong, at least in public. Haechan had moved into the dreamies’ dorm while 127 was travelling Japan. Travelling back and forth Korea and Japan was surely tiring, but a few times Taeyong managed to stay awake long enough to sneak into Jaehyun’s room for the night. When Taeyong was tired they did it slow and lovingly, but when he wasn’t, he craved Jaehyun to hold him so tight it left marks. He knew Jaehyun apparently enjoyed being dominant and demanding, but he was a considerate boyfriend who also gladly made soft, soft love when his Hyung was too tired to take the pain. It was the day before Jaehyun’s birthday, having arrived back home from Japan. Since it in fact was the eve of his   birthday, Taeyong had promised to sleep with Jaehyun. Since they didn’t really want the rest of the group to know that they took advantage of Haechan’s sickleave, Taeyong sneaked to the other room first after everyone else had gone to bed. Johnny obviously knew. This night, however, he wasn’t gonna sneak back to his own room after having sex. He wanted to spend the morning with his valentine’s boy and give him his present.   


Before that, Taeyong would have his wrists tied up behind his back, panting from the foreplay they’d just occupied themselves with. After finishing the knots on the rope Taeyong had earlier purchased, the younger took a step back to admire his work on his boyfriend. Taeyong was standing against the desk, testing the strenght of the knot behind his back — he was pleased to find that he couldn’t escape the rope. Jaehyun’s eyes travelled up and down the older’s body, breathing hard through his mouth. Taeyong however couldn’t see anything else than Jaehyun’s erection standing hard against his muscular abdomen.  
 

”Does it hurt?” Jaehyun asked breathlessly, before stepping closer and stroking Taeyong’s sides all the way down to his bony hips.  


”The way it should” Taeyong answered, not taking his eyes off the younger boy’s throbbing cock.   


”Do you… do we need a safeword?”   


”I don’t think you’ll be even close to actually hurting me, but, yes, it’s probably wise”     


”Kitkat?”  


”Huh? You want kitkat now?”  


”As a safeword.”  


”Oh. Cute”  


Jaehyun chuckled and bit his lips when his hand stopped above the small bush of dark hair down on Taeyong’s stomach. The older’s breath hitched when the brunette’s fingertips were just hovering above his own erection dripping wet with precum. He was sure he would be able to come just by Jaehyun eye-fucking him like that.    


Jaehyun however wouldn’t let him do that so soon. He suddenly his hips and turned him rougly around, pushing down his back so that Taeyong was bent over the desk. Since his hands were tied behind his back he couldn’t do anything else than turn his cheek againt the hard table. He felt Jaehyun gathering the remains of the rope into his hands, and before even thinking about the possibility he felt a hard, burning pain on his behind from where the rope had hit him. He screamed, and hope no-one had heard him.   


”Shut up, baby” Jaehyun said before hitting him again with the rope. A tear rolled out from the corner of the eye that wasn’t turned againt the desk.

Jaehyun rubbed his bum and bent down to kiss the now reddening skin. The younger’s wet tongue was a soothing relief on the burning skin.   


”One more, baby?” He said and struck him again before Taeyong could even open his mouth to reply. The older muffled down a deep moan. Jaehyun once again kneeled down and licleked his raw skin, travelling lower and lower down. 

 

”Could you take another baby? One last before I fuck you right there stading bent over like that?”  


The thought of getting filled up by a hot, thick dick made Taeyong’s knees weak, and he had to lean more onto the desk. ”Fuck, Jae, yes, yes please”  


”Yeah, you want that?”  


Taeyong hummed with his eyes closed and heard the rope making a snapping sound before hitting down on him. While he was still recovering from the impact Jaehyun poured lube over his fingers and his shaft before starting to finger the older thoroughly. Taeyong moaned against the desk and wished that the other would touch his dick too, since it ached for the touch it earlier didn’t get to have. Even though the younger was trembling from lust, he patiently worked Taeyong open before aligning himself behind him. He gripped his shoulder, stabilizing hin agaist the desk, before firmly pushing his cock all the way inside. Taeyong bit his lips and shuddered from the wonderful sensation of being filled up to the rim. It didn’t take long before Jaehyun was pounding him from behind so vigurously the desk itself was shaking. The low rumbling noise jaehyun made while panting travelled straight from Taeyong’s eardrums down to his spine, filling it with warmth. Jaehyun placed one of his hands on Taeyong’s stomach, not really low enough to touch his waiting member. Normally, Taeyong would touch himself when being fucked to relieve the ache from not getting any physical stimulation to his throbbing member, but since he now was tied up he couldn’t even touch himself – the ever growing pulsating hotness made him crazy for the need of friction.   


”Please Jaehyunnie, touch me” he breahted against the desk. Jaehyun stopped in his moving, and grabbed hold of his shoulders. He hoisted his upper body up, and grabbed his hair with one hand and his throat with the other. He pulled at the pink hair hard, forcing Taeyong’s head back.   


”Did you want something baby?” Jaehyun growled and pulled at his hair harder.  


”You gotta let me touch myself if you won’t, this is unbearable”  


Jaehyun pulled his cock out making Taeyong almost cry in disappointment.  


”So should I stop?” The younger asked and kissed the white of Taeyong’s exposed neck.  


”Gosh, no, just… oh fuck forget what I just said, just please, continue”  


Jaehyun then thrusted hard inside him with a grunt. Since Taeyong screamed again, Jaehyun put his hand over his mouth to shut him up. He let go of his hair and wrapped his arm around him, laying preassure on his throat,   
  


”Shh, baby, you’ll just have to come without me touching your pretty cock. You know, i would really have wanted to feel it. Maybe give it a taste. But I guess we’ll have to make do with this”  


Taeyong groaned again his hand to protest, but his muffled sounds drowned in the sharp sound of skin clapping against skin. Jaehyun increased his speed again while keeping Taeyong close to his chest. He went harder and harder and harder, until Taeyong didn’t know what was in or out anymore. Unable to speak, he couldn’t warn Jaehyun about coming, so he came hard againt the floor while the other was still pounding him ruthlessly. His knees gave up and he started falling down againt the desk. Jaehyun let go of his mouth and neck and grabbed him by his waist, holding him up for a few last well-placed thrusts.   


”Say-…say my name baby” he breathed against Taeyong’s neck.  


The older whimpered. ”Yoonoh, sweet Yoonoh”  


Jaehyun swore out loud when he came, struggling to keep his balance since he was holding both himself and Taeyong standing. He pulled the older with him to the bed where they both collapsed like sacks of sand. The older pulled at his tied hands - the awkward position wasn’t really feeling that appealing anymore since he already reached his climax.  
  
“Oh” Jaehyun said when he felt Taeyong squirming next to him, got up to his side and untied the older.  
  
“Hope I won’t get bruises again” the older said looking at his wrists, before getting up to go to the toilet. He knew his backside would have horrible, ugly bruises for at least a week now.  
  
“Blame your dermatitis” Jaehyun said and let his head fall heavy down to the bed again.  
  


  
When Taeyong came back from the toilet Jaehyun was already sleeping, still being in the exact same position as when he left him. He cleaned silently up after them, moved the desk to its usual position, folded Jaehyun’s clothes (and his own, he couldn’t deal with mess at all) and the bedcover. Then he went to sit next to the sleeping Jaehyun on the bed. It felt weird to actually deliberately go lie next to him. The first time they made out in his and Donghyuck’s room he fell asleep accidentally, but all the other times he’d just sneak away at some point in the morning. He checked his phone, seeing a private text from Johnny saying “COULD YOU PLEASE KEEP IT DOWN jesus”. He almost burst out laughing. Oh, well, that was immensely embarrassing.  


Jaehyun was sleeping soundly, his hair a mess spread out all over the pillow. He hadn’t even bothered to put on his boxers again or pull the blanket on. He wasn’t freezing, was he?  
Taeyong stroked his lips lightly, thinking about the time he did on stage some weeks ago. Those lips were made to kiss. And sing, of course – but mainly kiss.  


Jaehyun made a groaning sound in his sleep, and Taeyong pulled back his hand. He crawled next to Jaehyun in the bed (that was way too small for two persons) and pulled up the covers, placing it over himself and his personal valentine. It felt nice to fall asleep next to a warm human being, especially to someone like Jaehyun who was able to smell so nice and comforting even when he was sweaty after their shag. It was so stupid and unfair that they weren’t allowed to be roommates anymore.

 

  


   
  


“Happy birthday, Jaehyunnie” Taeyong whispered and kissed the still sleeping birthday boy on his cheek. He had earlier went down to prepare coffee and some toast to take up to Jaehyun’s room. He had bought him some old LP-albums he found in America and a pretty, delicate necklace he fell in love with last year. He had originally bought it for himself with the money he got to get new high fashion pieces to wear at events, but since he hadn’t had time to use it yet he thought he might as well give it to Jaehyun. He had thought about engraving it, but that would have been way too cheesy considering that they hadn’t really been together for more than a month or so. Nevertheless, it still felt like a lot longer, since he’d been in love with Jaehyun for years and years and years.  


Jaehyun finally opened his eyes, and it took him some seconds to realize who he was staring at. His sleepy face turned into a smile and he groaned, stretching out his arms to hug Taeyong.  
  
“Happy Valentine’s day, Taeyongie-hyung”, he mumbled.  
  
“Shh, it’s your day! We’re all going to celebrate just you” Taeyong said affectionately and kissed Jaehyun on his forehead.  
  
“When will the rest of them come?” Jaehyun said and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes.  
  
“In a couple of hours”  
  
“Good, then you can lie here with me all morning” He grabbed hugged the older again and pulled him down to lie next to him. The older saw the opportunity to kiss him, and they kissed slowly and chastely for quite some time. He could get used to this, Taeyong thought – waking up next to a warm, safe boy holding you so tight that you’ll forever be protected against all harm. It would be awfully hard to deal with early morning schedules in those circumstances.  
  
They ended up lying under the covers just looking at each other, breathing each other’s air. Jaehyun was stroking Taeyong’s naked back, making sure not to miss a single scar or scab.  
  
“I wish this could be us every morning”  
  
“Maybe someday” Jaehyun whispered back with hopeful eyes.  
  
The lay like that for twenty minutes or so, feet intertwined not really knowing which belonged to whom. Taeyong analyzed every pore of Jaehyun’s milky white skin – though there really weren’t any. How could any man have such porcelain skin? He obviously knew they had used laser to get rid of all of his facial hair, but otherwise, he was just such a naturally flawless beauty. He remembered the feeling he got when he for the first time saw that clip of Jaehyun with freckles promoting his song “Try again”. That was when he knew that he would never love any other man or woman the way he loved his best friend. The feeling of being completely awestruck and mesmerized by his picturesque friend eventually turned into heartache and self-pity since he back then still believed that Jaehyun would never share his feelings of affection.  
  
He suddenly noticed the morning sun trying to get through their window shades. He left his warm place next to Jaehyun and got up to open the shades to let the sunshine it. It was a beautiful day indeed – cold, but beautiful, and he felt himself being loaded with energy just standing naked by the window.  
  
“Taeyong” the younger boy said sleepily, and Taeyong turned to meet his eyes. The other looked like a greek statue from the old times, lying there in the white sheets with messy hair and round but lean muscles. It was surely a sight, and Taeyong wished he could etch the scene on his retina forever.  
  
“I’ve never seen anyone as beautiful as you standing there naked by the window” the younger said, like he had read Taeyong’s mind.  
  
Taeyong blushed, and was suddenly once again aware of his own nakedness.  
“Consider it one of your birthday presents”  
  
“Oh? You could have put a little bit more effort in it in that case. I mean, imagine Mark’s ass on you. That would have been a solid ten out of ten” Jaehyun replied with a dead serious face.  
  
“Are you checking out Mark’s ass on a regular basis?”  
  
“And you are not?”  
  
Taeyong laughed out loud. Gosh, no, he respected their young rapper way too much for that.  


“But you know, clothes look fabulous on me since I’m skinny”  
  
“I prefer you without”  
  
Taeyong cringed and ran quickly back to bed, not being able to deal with Jaehyun’s cheeky comments any more.  Jaehyun immediately rolled on top of him and engaged them into a deep, wet, kiss. The feeling of Jaehyun’s heavy member lying against his thigh was sending small spikes of electricity down to his own groin, but he fought the urge to give in to his lust instead. Since it still was Jaehyun’s birthday, there was always the chance of the door being busted open by some Dreamies on a visit or Jungwoo wanting to “surprise” him. And on top of that, he didn’t want to jeopardize their practice today just because he was sore.

 

Half an hour later they were drinking cold coffee and eating toast in the bed next to each other, scrolling their phones and talking about this and that.  
  
“Hey Hyung, have you told your sister yet?”  
  
“About wha-… oh, that. Hmm. No, I have not”  
  
“Why not?”  
  
“I won’t do it until I know she’s at least a hundred miles away from my parents”  
  
“So you’re thinking about doing it?”  
  
“Well, you asked, so, yes?”  
Jaehyun kissed him on the cheek and burrowed his face in the nape of Taeyong’s neck, apparently very much content with the answer.  
  
“I couldn’t tell my parents. My mother is already setting me up with one of her friend’s daughters who are a lawyer at some fancy company. She said she would wait ‘til my contract ends. That’s basically the only reason why I’m looking forward to military service after we’re done with NCT.”  
  
There were way too many unpleasant topic’s in what Jaehyun just said. Marriage, military service, end of their group... Taeyong wasn’t ready to discuss or even think about those topics at all right now. He pushed the thoughts away and focused on remembering all the things he loves about his life in this very now. In his world their group would never split up, he would never carry a gun and Jaehyun would never marry a pretty Gangnam lawyer. Eventually he just decided to change the topic.  


”Anyway. There’s a thing that’s puzzling me…”  
  
”Hmm?”  


”The photoshoot Dispatch took with us? Don’t you think it’s weird they wanted pictures with just us two? You think they know anything?   


”Naaah, they apparently think we look good together and wanted to make money” Jaehyun said and ruffled his hair with a bright smile. Taeyong rose up to his elbows to look Jaehyun in the eyes.  


”I said that the dessert was extra tasty because I made it with you, wasn’t it a bit too much?”  


”You’re cute” no, he is, with those dimples and rosy cheeks, Taeyong thought.   


”And Dispatch hyung has been following me a lot on the airport lately… He’s very nice, but once he told me my legs looked hot in my ripped jeans” The memory made him grimace.  


Jaehyun lifted his hand to stroke the older boy’s hair away from his eyes.  
 ”So? Anyone who doesn’t think you’re hot is blind and stupid”.   


Taeyong sighed. ”It’s just that they could make a lot of money by threatening the company to release paparazzi photos of us. It has happened to other people before.  We need to be more careful”   


Jaehyun shushed him and grabbed hold of Taeyong’s neck and pulled him down for a soft kiss. The fully risen sun was lighting the white sheets up against Jaehyun’s shimmering skin, and it was just all so very beautiful. He hoped he could lie in this bed forever with Jaehyun kissing away his troubles.  
  


 

Taeyong had to spend the night at the studio (which he obviously enjoyed and felt privileged about– some of their composers had wanted to prepare songs just for him only). There were a number of other things he could have wanted to do on Valentine’s day, but since he was anything but ungrateful he was very pleased with his company at the studio too. Jaehyun was holding a Vlive at the moment, and Taeyong couldn’t help but take a look once in a while. Jaehyun was really in his element on the small but intimate low quality screen, almost to that extent Taeyong was jealous of his fans that got to enjoy a whole hour of Jaehyun making video calls. He toyed with the idea of pretending to be a fan and commented _“Yoonoh <3_” with a whole bunch of different colored hearts.  The comment disappeared in an instance among the hundreds of other comments made by fangirls who probably loved Jaehyun just as much as he did.  
  
 He saw Jaehyun leaning towards the screen to read comments, so he quickly typed “ _Hope you enjoyed breakfast in bed darling, see you later tonight XXX TY_ ”. The message was way too obvious anyway so not a single right-minded fangirl would actually believe it was him sending it. Jaehyun index finger was on the screen, apparently scrolling through the comments. The corner of his lip twitched when he stopped scrolling, and Taeyong thought that he just might have seen his ears turning red. The moment was however over pretty quickly when Jaehyun continued scrolling and answering questions about his skin care routine. Taeyong read a lot of questions about his own whereabouts. _Where’s Ty? Do a vlive with Taeyongie! What present did Taeyong give you?_ Jaehyun didn’t answer a single one of them, but he surely must have read some. Taeyong sighed, and switched back to the rap he was working on. He owed the studio and the producers to do a good work nevertheless it being Valentine’s day and Jaehyun’s birthday – He had promised himself to always do his best. Unfortunately that meant working ‘til early morning hours so he didn’t get to see Jaehyun anymore that day.  
  
  
  
  
  
After completing the Gangnam tourism ambassador event the morning after, they decided together with their closest crew to throw a birthday party later that same evening. They wouldn’t have any schedules the next morning and it was a Friday after all, so. They had hired a booth at a fancy cocktail bar together with their managers to enjoy some food and drinks. Taeil was excited over the colourful cocktails and decided to choose which ones to order for the rest of the group. Taeyong knew he was bad with alcohol, so he tried his best to slurp the tasty sweet drink as slowly as possible. They talked about their superawkward valentine's videos (I mean who's idea was that,  Jaehyun couldn't even keep a straight face), the promise of the holiday trip (when will it be? After the tour? After which tour?) and new music they've recently discovered.   
  
"Jaehyun, are you missing Haechan? You've been having a private suite all for yourself" one of their managers asked kindly.  
  
"Yes, of course I do, but can't deny it's been nice with some quiet and calm" Jaehyun said with a laugh.  
  
The manager nodded and rose a glass for Haechans damn leg.  
  
Jaehyun however continued "Actually, I've been thinking lately, I would really prefer to have a room by myself sometimes if possible. It really does improve my sleeping."  
  
Doyoung choked on his drink while Taeyong swiftly kicked Jaehyuns shin under the table.  
The manager hesitated a bit.  
"Well sure, if... If there's room for it, so to speak. We can probably figure it out.” He turned to the other members. “But boys, he's not having a quarrel with Haechan, is he?"  
  
Jaehyun quickly said no repeatedly while some other shaked their heads in agreement.  
  
"No he's definitely not having quarrels with Haechan" Yuta said. He earned a kick on the shin as well.  
  
"Good. That's the great thing about you boys, you're really easily manageble. I would call you a Dream but..." he smiled at the pun he made and earned an awkward giggle from Mark.  
  
Taeyong caught Jaehyuns eyes at the other side of the table. Stay quiet. Deny everything if you get confronted. Avoid scandals to all cost. Taeyong's carefully rebuilt fragile reputation couldn't take another scandal.  
  
"We'll be shooting the yearbook in a few weeks so you'll all get a makeover while we bring WayV back from China. So if you have something particular in mind we can discuss about it, as long as it fits the era"  
  
"Blond!!!" Jungwoo shouted.  
  
"Hair extensions. Definitely hair extensions" Johnny said dead-serious.   
  
"Black, BLACK, I promised nctzens to dye it black" Taeyong said.  
  
"Ooh, ash grey?" Jaehyun asked.  
  
The manager interrupted them. "You'll keep it brown , the media loves your classic look". Jaehyun sighed dramatically as a response.  
  
"Running your hand through Jaehyun-ah's hair is probably one of the best feelings in the world so don't ruin it with dye" Taeyong said innocently while Yuta rolled his eyes.   
  
"can't say I've done that myself" the manager laughed.   
  
It was all fun and games until the alchol started blurring their minds. The drinks enhanced all of Taeyong’s senses; His ears were more sensitive for all small nuances of Jungwoo’s thin voice, their table and his nose picked easily up the scent of Yuta’s almond lipbalm. Everyone around the table seemed so much more attractive. The cold, smooth glass felt amazing agaist his fingertips. He wondered what kissing Jaehyun would taste like? Jaehyun was luckily out of reach at the other side of the table, but their eyes had already stripped each other a long time ago. Jaehyun was staring intensly at Taeyong under his bangs causing the older to completely lose track of what topic the others were discussing. Mark was getting louder and louder until Taeyong eventually had to tell him to stop drinking in a slurry voice. One of their managers were also awfully drunk and decided to go play some card game, which probably wasn’t very wise in his state of mind.  
  
“There goes the money we were supposed to buy food for….” Doyoung said sarcastically.  
  
“Okay okay boysss, you know what? I … I reallt wanna dance now, I really feel like dancing baby” Mark sluddered half in English, half in Korean.  
  
Dancing? Taeyong’s eyes lit up and it felt like his muscles were fasiculating.  Fuck yes he wanted to dance.  
“Fabulous idea Mark, let’s go! Jaehyun, join us” Taeyong said and got up from the chair to drag Mark with him. Jungwoo followed aswell while Johnny, Yuta, Taeil, Doyoung and the three managers stayed at the table to talk about something apparently far more interesting than dancing on the crowded floor of the nightclub.  
  
“LEDSGEDDIT” Mark shouted happily.  
  
  
  
The dancefloor was crowded and the airlaid hot and heavy on the dancing upper-class rich kids. The people at the club were a bit older than their usual target group (and probably way too busy with their own lives to know anything about some boygroup) so they were pretty confident in being able to be themselves pretty unnoticed. Taeyong however instinctly pulled down his cap lower on his forhead. It didn’t take long before Jaehyun was glued to Taeyong’s body, grabbing his hips and swaying rhythmically to the music. The older was definitely intrigued, but he actually did want to dance (like he didn’t do int everyday anyways) with the booze buzzing in his veins. He spun around away from Jaehyun and started doing his thing to the beat of the song. Mark was jamming to the max and Jungwoo was just laughing at him, trying to keep him from not to crash into other people. Taeyong saw Jaehyun stepping away to watch him, which triggered him even further to do his best. He closed his eyes and felt the bassdrum shake his inner core, all the way to his toes and fingertops, making everything move with infinite energy and excellent presicion. He was bold, he was strong, and he wanted to own this dance floor, the way he never did when he was an awkward high school kid and their school parties. A familiar cologne reached his nose and he opened his eyes to notice Jaehyun dancing with him, making excellent mirror images of the moves Taeyong did. It was like Jaehyun’s hands were hovering over Taeyong’s body but never really touching, leaving thin space resembling a magnetic field. Taeyong had danced together with women before and he knew how to move according to their curves and moves, but this was new – he couldn’t seduce Jaehyun the way he could seduce women, but somehow, they fitted together so well, their height difference quite adorably accentuating the subtle dynamics of their relationship. Taeyong spun around and around, always meeting Jaehyun’s eyes peeking out under his heavy bangs. He noticed Mark and Jungwoo watching (well, Mark might as well have been watching paint dry) but it didn’t matter the least – he loved showing the world what he got. And the best thing was, he wasn’t even born with a natural talent for it – he had actually worked for it years and years ‘til his feet bled. So what not to show off?  
  
He found Jaehyun’s hands on his waist again, and he let them be there for a while, before going almost down to the floor and then dragging his body up against Jaehyun’s. Jaehyun grabbed his hips and begun to grind him still subtly enough not to make it too obscene. A thightness was forming in Taeyong’s abdomen, and he couldn’t help but move with the other man’s rhytm.The older looked up to Jaehyun’s face and saw the younger biting his lip and pulling his hips closer to himself. It was getting hot, so, so hot. He had already pearls of sweat on his forehead, and he saw Jaehyun’s chest glistening deliciously between the open buttons of his light blue shirt He put his own hands on the rounds of Jaehyun’s chest, feeling his heartbeat under his right palm. He wanted to reach out and kiss him, and he almost thought about doing it. Mark and Jungwoo knew anyway, and the rest of the club probably didn’t care. The thought of doing it in front of a bunch of strangers actually excited him hell of a lot, and it got to be so close that his lips brushed on Jaehyun’s neck. But no, he wasn’t that drunk to actually do something that risqué like kissing him openly. Suddenly he realized that there’s a slight chance someone from the management comes down to the dance floor and sees Jaehyun groping him like there’s no tomorrow. He pulled away and quickly threw an arm around Mark who was dancing way too well for being a drunk person. He quickly realized there were some twenty people around that had been watching them dance. A few girls cheered and clapped their hands.  
  
“That’s my hyuuuuung!! You were so lit bro”  Mark shouted through the loud music and slapped his chest.  
  
“What’s Jaehyun doing?” He said neutrally.  
  
“What? Can’t hear you!”  
Jaehyun had continued to dance with some of the girls who had been cheering at them. It wasn’t hard for him to gain attention from the opposite sex, and soon enough there were at least four girls trying to show of their tacky dance moves. He had his around one of the girls’ waist and looked like he was having the time of his life smiling like he was. The girl closest to him was really pretty for sure. Tall (or maybe it was just her sky high heels), soft brown locks and a wide hip just right to place your hands on. Taeyong suddenly felt lacking in every possible way comparing himself to that pretty girl in her yellow dress. Why on earth was he even compar- The girl turned to face Jaehyun and started swaying her hips close to his body. Too close, too bloody close. Were they speaking to each other? And shouldn’t Jaehyun be more cautious, what if she recognized him as an idol? What if she sells her story to some of the saesangs probably lurking around the neighbourhood? For a bried moment he got eyecontact with his boyfriend, whose expression turned constrained as soon as he saw the way Taeyong was standing with sunked shoulders. Soon enough there were other people in front of them again, and he lost the contact. He noticed Jungwoo dancing with some downtown trendsetters based on their choice of clothing.  
  
“I think I’m gonna go back to the other’s, you wanna join?”  
Mark nodded eagerly and jumped up the stairs leading down to the dancefloor.  
  
  
  
  
Taeyong couldn’t relax at all at the table, constantly glancing at the dancefloor to look for Jaehyun and Jungwoo (he had some responsibilities after all). When he saw a flustered Jungwoo with a sweaty forhead climb up the stairs without Jaehyun he started to feel concerned. Was this kind of behaviour okay? They hadn’t really discussed about these… these kinds of situations…  
  
He had to get out from his buildinga anxiety and gave the chair to Jungwoo, excusing himself to go to the toiled. He begun to feel how his breathing was getting out of hand again and he desperately needed to chill down somewhere where he wouldn’t be bothered by the loud music and people’s glares.  
  
He went in to the toiled and locked himself up in one of the booths, trying to stabilize his breathing. An airline paperbag would have helped right now. He heard someone else coming into the toilets so he tried his best to muffle his loud inhales against his legs, which he were now holding against his chest ontop of the closed toiled seat.  
  
He waited for the other to do his business and leave so he could relax again. But the guy took an awful long time on leaving. Did he fix his stupid hair in the mirror or something? Suddenly he heard steps coming against his booth, and his breath hitched into one awfully loud inhale.  
  
“Hyung, is it you?” It was Jaehyun’s voice. Of course.  
  
“Which hyung” Taeyong said, trying to be witty though his eyes already burned from tears that wanted to break out.  
  
“My favourite Hyung” Jaehyun said in his soft, mellow voice.  “Come out of there, let’s calm you down and join the others, right?”  
  
Taeyong refused to open to door yet, definitely not wanting to cry in front of Jaehyun because of his own childish jealousy.  
  
“I’ll be there in a few minutes. Please go”  
  
“Ah, Taeyongie-Hyung, why are you moping again, let’s go get some drinks with small parasols” Jaehyun whined and pulled at the door handle. He was a little drunk, he had to admit it.  
  
“Could you please just go” He replied a little bit too harchly.  
  
Jaehyun stopped pulling at the door handle and took a step back.  
“Are you mad at me?”  
  
Taeyong didn’t want to answer. Jaehyun knew him inside and out so replies were just waste of words.  
  
“Are you mad at me for dancing with those girls?”  
  
He stayed silent in his pathetic booth.  
  
“Seriously? Oh come on” Jaehyun sighed and kicked once at the wall. “They were just girls! I wanted to dance, they wanted to dance, what’s the problem? I though you were ready dancing with me”  
  
Taeyong swallowed a sob and took a piece of toilet paper to dry his nose with.  
“Yeah I know but… I just didn’t like seeing you like that with those girls” He winced. He felt so, so small.  
  
“Yeah?” Jaehyun said roughly.  
  
He walked around the floor for a bit before stopping outside Taeyong’s booth.  
  
“Oh for fuck’s sake Hyung, come out of that booth, that’s pitiful”  
  
Taeyong couldn’t say no to Jaehyun when he used that tone of voice, and totally submitted he got up from the seat and opened the door to face Jaehyun. The other sighed and crossed his arms.  
His voice softened immensely as soon as he saw Taeyong standing in front of him again.  
  
“Okay. Good. Are you jealous or something? If you have a problem with me dancing with other people I’m fine about that, I wouldn’t do it again.”  
  
Taeyong gathere himself and looked up at Jaehyun’s handsome features.  
  
“Well… I’m just wondering, since I still don’t know for sure… Are you bisexual?”  
  
Jaehyun went quiet for a while before smiling a little sad smile.  
“I guess so. And you’re not?”  
  
“No.”  
  
They went quiet again, just looking at each other carefully. Taeyong opened his mouth to say something, but closed it again. He had expected that, but it would have been so much more easier for him to contain his jealousity it if only concerned one sex. He knew, or at least he believed that Jaehyun loved him – but he wasn’t biologically what Jaehyun might be wanting. Maybe he wanted to have kids some day? Maybe he had some girl as a backup plan in case everything started to get really difficult with their secret relationship? What was it that he said about that lawyer girl his mother wanted to set him up with…  
  
“Oh Yongie, don’t look like that. You can’t trust me, I promise you. I will never ever dance with anyone else than you if you forbid me to. All my attention is 100% on you, always” Jaehyun stepped closer and cupped his cheeks. Taeyong couldn’t say anything, but stared intensly into Jaehyun’s warm eyes  
.  
“Do you believe me?” He asked with the softest of voices, moving closer to Taeyong’s face.  
  
He whispered a “yes” before feeling Jaehyun’s lips against his own. Jaehyun kissed him gently and with respect, but the longing and the wanting was still there, causing the younger’s fingertips to tremble against the older’s cheeks. That kiss was everything Taeyong needed to calm down. He trusted Jaehyun, of course he did. Jaehyun was fluffy, loyal puppy – and he loved him.  
  
The pulled apart, Jaehyun’s hands still cupping Taeyong’s warm cheeks. Jaehyun chuckled, earning a sneaky little smile from his shaky boyfriend. Suddenly the door flew open, and before they know it three guys came walking into the toilet – and unfortuntately enough, one of them was their manager.  
  
Both of them froze, and Jaehyun pulled quickly down his hands from Taeyong’s face. They both looked panickly at their surprised manager, who had only wanted to take a piss.  
  
“errr, boys, did we interrupt you or something?” He asked cautiously.  
  
“I, I, I was just fixing Taeyong’s makeup. He made a mess of it on the dancefloor” Jaehyun quickly said, pretending to fix some strands of hair from falling onto his forhead.  
  
“Oh. Okay. Sure. Don’t let me interrupt you” He said and pulled down his trousers in front of the urinal.  
Jaehyun smiled a strained smile and said something along the lines of Taeyong’s makeup was ready to face the club again. They quickly shuffled out of the toilet and turn to each other as soon as the door closed.  
Jaehyun bit his lip and looked down at his feet.  
  
“FUCK!” Taeyong was boiling inside. This was exactly why they should keep their distance in public spaces.  
Jaehyun flinched at the sudden curseword and dragged Taeyong a little bit further to the side. He didn’t want Taeyong to get a panic attack or whatever just in front of the toilets.  
  
“Calm down. You heard the door open, he didn’t see anything else than me holding your face. It means nothing”  
  
He was right. Of course he was right.  
  
“You shouldn’t have lied to him though. He will never believe it” Taeyong said sadly.  
  
“What was I supposed to say? That your cheeks were freezing?”  
  
The older sighed and pulled his messy hair backwards away from his face. If Jaehyun’s dancing stunt hadn’t sobered him up, this had definitely done it.  
  
“I don’t even like drinking, but I really need a drink now” Taeyong mumbled and looked around for the closes bar disk.  
  
“I’ll buy you whatever you want. Let’s go” Jaehyun grabbed his arm to drag him to towards the right direction.  
  
  


Things kind of derailed after that. They drank a few drinks by the bar before returning to the rest of the boys with a whole set of drinks for everyone (Mark had conveniently sobered up for another round). After that at least Taeyong had trouble forming coherent and chronological memories from the rest of the night.  
There were some bleak memories of them dancing, and apparently one of the managers threw up. He remembers them leaving, Jaehyun holding his arm like he was some a girl or something, crawling into the back of a taxibus with their members. One of the managers had already left earlier and the third tried to get the nauseus one home on a different cab. He had instructed the oldest, Taeil, (who conveniently had a better alcohol tolerance than the rest) to make sure everyone got home in bed in one piece.  
  
Taeyong was sitting partly in Jaehyun’s lap with drooping eyelids and a stupid smile on his face.  
  
Mark was still kinda drunk and had kept blabbering on about random things for the past hour. His attention eventually turned to the smugly smiling Jaehyun stroking Taeyong’s thigh since he pointed lazily at the couple.  
  
“Hey Hyun..Hyunniehyung!! I just… I just like wanted to tell you that…. you danced so well… like SO WELL with pretty pretty Yongie-hyung and I like reeealiz..realized… you should be together.. like get married and stuff… husband and husb…. or whatever I don’t know how those… homo things work…”  
  
Taeyong who was equally drunk threw a fistpump towards Mark and cheered him on. Mark laughed and fistpumped him back at least three times.  
  
“TAehyung… you like him?? You like him like that?” Mark said.  
  
A wasted Yuta whisteled from another seat as Jungwoo was sleeping and unfortunately missed the drama.  
  
“Marklee Markly Markly Markly yeeaaas!” Taeyong laughed and shifted positions to hug Jaehyun while doing an aegyo. Doyoung and Taeil burst out laughing from their seat.  
  
“But I don’t… what if JaeJae-hyung doesn’t like you like that” Mark said and looked as thoughtful as a drunk person could look.  
  
Taeyong turned to face Jaehyun who still smiled happily without saying anything.  
  
“Hyunnie likes me very much” Taeyong said with a pout. “Don’t you?”  
  
Jaehyun smiled widely without answering, eyes flickering between heaven and earth by the looks of it.  
  
Taeyong closed in on him and whispered (well… tried to) in his ear “Don’t you hyunnie?”  
  
Jaehyun leaned forward without answering and kissed him right on the mouth. Mark was “WOOW”ing out loud and Yuta went “damn girl” somewhere in the background. Jaehyun didn’t however pull away, but continued kissing Taeyong, grasping his back to bring him closer to himself. Taeyong was too drunk to even think about his image and respect inside the group, so he kissed Jaehyun back gladly, and it didn’t take many seconds before the kissed turned hungrier and hungrier open mouthly. It was like they were back in Jaeyun and Haechan’s room again, wanting each other badly and not really getting enough no matter how intensively they kissed. Unfortuntately both of them were drunk (so the kiss wasn’t really that good as they imagined it) and they had 5 pairs of eyes (jungwoo still sleeping) staring at them in shock. Jaehyun’s hands found their way under Taeyong’s shirt, causing the older to moan, all while being watched by their fellow members. He vaguely remembers enjoying being watched very much – it was forbidden, dirty and highly exciting, and he never believed he would be the one to actually enjoy showing his sexual desires publicly. He didn’t know if Jaehyun was even aware of their audience – he hadn’t really said anything for half an hour at least. Obviously it would never had happened if they were sober, right?  
  
“Guys, stop” Taeil said gently.  When they didn’t react he raised his melodic voice. “TAEYONG.”  
  
Taeyong broke the kiss and looked back over his shoulder at Taeil. He stared at him with empty eyes for a while, before letting go of Jaehyun and falling over to his own seat. He lent his head against Mark’s shoulder and closed his eyes. He fell asleep instantly.

When he later heard about what happened he thought he would die on the spot from shame. 


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit shorter (basically just smut and too much dialogue, I'm getting lazy) since I had to split the next into two... Next chapter will be somewhat crazier :''D

Taeyong was lucky that his life was so busy he didn’t have time to think too much about the banal thing called love. Concert, practice, interviews, promotions, recordings, photoshoots, repeated and repeated again and again, was all that he needed to keep on track. The day after the ridiculously wasted taxidrive back to the dorms Jaehyun and Taeyong agreed by text to keep their heads low for a while. Taeyong was feeling like shit that morning anyway so the decision wasn’t really hard to make. Nobody talked about it except Jungwoo who had heard from Taeil that he slept through the funniest live action k-drama he’d ever seen. He tried to lure the juicy details out of each and every member, but Mark, the only one who eventually would have told him everything; unfortuntately couldn’t recall anything from the night before. Taeyong was immensely embarrassed – and not just because of making out with Jaehyun in front of the rest of the members – mostly because he actually remembered enjoying it. He promised himself to never get drunk again, at least not before it’s because someone’s marriage or something.

So they lay low. Taeyong coloured his hair black, and was once again trending worldwide on twitter, applauded for his fashion sense and admired for his beauty. Jaehyun had lost his breath when he saw him arriving back from the hairdresser together with now blond Jungwoo and Mark. He knew he looked a little like the boy Jaehyun might have met for the first time during their trainee days. He knew that Jaehyun hadn’t fell in love with him back then like he had regarding the other, so he was a little afraid how the younger might react to his younger face. Jaehyun’s wide dimpled smile however spoke for itself.

  
“Wow, Hyung… Wow” was the only thing he managed to say.

  
Taeyong blushed and looked down at his feet. “Thank you”

  
Jaehyun shook his head and reach out to touch his face in the most loving way possible, but it only lasted for a moment since the room was full with staff.

  
The problem with his new hair colour was all the extra attention he suddenly got. It’s weird how he could wear a silvergray mullet and pink hair without anyone really minding it too much, but suddenly, black hair – BAM, and he was suddenly the hottest thing in media. He noticed an increase in reporters and photographers following him everywhere he went, which meant he ended up staying at the dorms or at the hotel as much as possible. And it wasn’t like he could go out somewhere with Jaehyun either. At airports they tried to stick together, just because Taeyong felt safer around his boyfriend, but they couldn’t really interact in any ways without it getting photographed in some way.  
  
So instead they texted.  
  
They texted a lot; in cars, in airport security lines, during lunchbreaks, at night just before going to sleep. When Taeyong had been body search for metal items at the security gates of the airport, Jaehyun couldn’t help but send him a sneaky picture of the situation from the other end of the line.  
  
_“Did he feel you down good? Where did he touch you? Did he search you well enough? I doubt it. I think I would search you way better. I would strip search you and make sure to thoroughly search every inch of your naked body with my tongue. You wouldn’t hide anything from me baby, would do?”_  
  
 It was a curious situation for them to be in, really. The saw each other every single day but due to circumstances they couldn’t control there was no way for them to talk about their feelings out loud. Jungwoo had even offered to change hotel rooms with Taeyong but the older immediately refused – it would be suicide to accept the cute young boy’s gentle offer. And he would never ever put his own pleasure in front of his members comfort.  
  
_“Do you think about me before you fall asleep Yoonoh? I think about you all the time. I sometimes want to crawl into Yuta’s bed just to imagine it being your warm body next to me. I’ve never slept as well as the night I slept with you”_  
  
_“I can’t think of anything else than you here beside me_. ” Jaehyun replied.

 

 

 

They had just returned from the Ishikawa tour and a brief stop in Tokyo to their dorms in Seoul. Everyone was tired, including Jaehyun, who locked himself up in his and Haechan’s room to sleep. Taeyong was tired too, but he really needed to do something else than lie in his bed to put his mind away from thoughts about the future and current dilemmas. He was glad for his health’s sake that he couldn’t smoke at the dorms. When arriving at the practice room he decided to hold a Vlive – just to ease the pain of loneliness, really. With thousands of Nctzens listening eagerly to his every word he couldn’t really feel anything else than gratefulness. It really, really helped to dance – and it really, really helped to read all those beautifu comments his fans wrote about him. It was probably the second best feeling he knew (after running your hand through Jaehyun’s hair).  
  
“ _Are you alone_?” someone wrote.  
The words stuck him hard, because yes, he was in fact ridiculously alone in his little world of incertainties and self-doubt. He hadn’t really got the chance to embrace Jaehyun the way he wanted since that day at the club – and it was over 10 days ago. Taeyong needed Jaehyun badly, he really did. Even 15 minutes privately with Jaehyun would mean the worlds to him, since they hadn’t really had the chance to hang out privately when they were touring in Japan. Haechan was back at the dorms right now so he couldn’t even sneak into Jaehyun’s bed either. The only thing that felt somewhat refreshing was the fact that Ten together with the rest of WayV was finally in Seoul for the yearbook-shooting. He missed Ten, too. And so did Johnny, based on how much he had been hyping over him coming back to the dorms.  
  
“I’m alone” He said to the camera, answering the fans reply. “I’m alone.”  
  


Some hours after the Vlive he got a message from one of their higher up managers.  
_“I need to talk to you about the latest vlive and some other stuff. I’ll send a car to get to the office”_  
  
The Vlive? Had he said something stupid on the vlive? Spoiled something? He felt nervous enough when he arrived at the offices. The manager he had spoken with was waiting for him in the cafeteria. Was it about him and Jaehyun? Had his colleague told the rest of the management about that awkward incident at the club? He started getting a little nervous, and sucked nervously on the strawberry milkshake he had ordered.  
  
“There’s a couple of things that I’ve been notified about. Do you know what I’m talking about?” The manager started and blended his coffee with a spoon.  
  
“I don’t believe so” Taeyong answered as firmly as he could.  
  
“Well. You had this surprise solo Vlive a few hours ago?  I know that we encourage you to be active on social media and I’m sure the fans love quirky surprises like that. But when there’s no one around watching you it’s even more important that you don’t push the boundaries. When calling out WayV on your own lq-videolog you revelaed that WayV is currently housing in NCT’s dorms. They might not like it on the Chinese side, you know. Things like that need to be discussed before you blurt thing’s out.”  
  
“Oh. I really didn’tthink it would matter. I’m sorry, I’ll be more careful next time” Taeyong said and hoped an apology was enough to avoid consequences. He was sick and tired of this nonsense with the Chinese label – their regulations had made it much harder for him to meet and talk with Ten, not to speak of Winwin. The Chinese managemt was also to blame why it took so awfully long to make the yearbook happen. The yearbook shooting had been postponed at least thrice by now.  
  
“Yeah. I believe you will. Then another thing, that is way more complicated” The manager held a pause.  
  
“Yes?”  
  
“It have reached my ears that there’s some rumours going on within the staff about you and Jung Jaehyun”  
  
Fuck. Deny it, deny it, deny deny deny deny deny deny deny it.  
   
“What kind of rumours?”  
  
“That you have some kind of a _thing_ going on. I really don’t know what it is about. Maybe you could care to elaborate?”  
  
“I’m sorry but I don’t know anything about that. We’re good friends, we havn’t been arguing or something if that’s what you mean.”  
The manager’s lips tightened, obviously very uncomfortable in the situation and not really wantning to say the words out loud.  
  
“He’s not… He’s not _using_ you? I promise it won’t affect anyone if you tell me”  
  
Lies, that’s just plain lies to get him to speak. Taeyong feigned a confused look.  
  
“Using me? For what? What on earth are you talking about?”  
  
The man in front of him opened his mouth to say something but obviously hesistated.  
  
“And who did you hear this from? Are you monitoring us together with saesangs now?”  
  
“God, no. I don’t know anything; I just wanted to make sure that those are just some false rumours spreading with the wind. We _trust_ you Taeyong, alright? And If someone within or outside your group is making you feel uncomfortable please tell us. Everyone’s replacable”  
  
“Everyone’s replacable?”  
  
“Exept you, of course. Your talent together with your visuals is no joke to us” The man in front of him smiled a sickly, sweet smile.  
  
Taeyong was feeling sick. “Well who’s going to replace Winwin then?”  
  
The man in front of him was taken aback by the sudden change of topic.  
  
“Huh?”  
  
“Winwin. The Chinese boy who debuted with us, the guy your company suddenly decided to just remove from our group without even announcing it?”   
  
“He’s busy with WayV….”  
  
“WayV that I’m not even allowed interacting with because of some stupid rules. God, this business is disgusting me” Taeyong said and got up to take his leave.  
  
“Taeyong. Don’t push it. We can make this very hard for you.”  
  
“It already is. If you will excuse me, sir, I have 20 something hungry boys at home to cock for” He said and walked out from the cafeteria to the nearest cab. Sometimes he damned himself for have made the contract with his devilish company all those years ago. But equally many times he thanked himself for it because he wouldn’t have met Jaehyun otherwise. Jaehyun, oh, he really needed to see him right now. He dialed his number when the cab was closing in on the dorms.  
  
  
Jaehyun answered almost immidietly. _“Hyung?_ ”  
  
“Are you in your room? Is Hyuck there with you?”  
  
_“No I think he went to ask Mark to see some movie with him_ ”  
  
“I’ll be there in 5 minutes then” Taeyong said and ended the call.  
  
  
  
A short while after he was outside Jaehyun’s and Donghyuck’s room. Jaehyun opened the door and let him in. He had apparently been sleeping since his hair was a mess and he had pillow lines on his cheek.  
  
Taeyong went immidietly to sit on Jaehyun’s bed and waited for his boyfriend to join him. Jaehyun came to sit next to him and lifted him up to sit sideways in his lap. He hugged him tight to his chest and let out a satisfied sigh.  
  
“I’ve missed you Yongie. I’ve missed the smell of your hair” He mumbled against him shoulder.  
  
“I’ve missed you too.”  
  
They sat like that five minutes or so, just enjoying each other’s presence. Eventuelly the older decided to speak up.  
  
“I went to speak with Mr. Song at the officies today. He asked me to come, obviously.  And he said there are rumours. Rumours about us.”  
  
Jaehyun swallowed and tightened his hold on his boyfriend.  
  
“What did you say?”  
  
“I denied knowing anything about it of course.”  
  
“You know, I just learnt half an hour ago that they want to speak with me as well tomorrow. How much do they know?”  
  
Taeyong cringed. Damn, so they were going to harass Jaehyun too. Fucking hell.  
  
“Not much, just rumours, no proof, no evidence. But you know what? He asked me if you are USING me”  
  
“Using?”… Like sexually?” Jaehyun said with a frown, shifting uncomfortably under Taeyong’s weight.  
  
“I don’t know. I suppose so.”  
  
“Wow, okay…” The younger sounded very uneasy, probably going through some worst case scenarios regarding his personal interview tomorrow.  
  
Taeyong fiddled nervously with the hem of his shirt, feeling a little bit guilty. “Deny everything tomorrow. You don’t know anything. We’re friends. We’re the bestest of good friends. It’s just some stupid rumour some shipper inside our staff has made up”  
  
“Of course”  
  
They were quiet for some time again. Jaehyun’s legs were probably numb already, but he was too kind to say anything about it.  
  
“Taeyongie-Hyung?” He eventually asked carefully.  
  
“Hmm?” The older turned to face the younger, looking into his smooth warm eyes, eyes that promised him a wonderful future if the world just let them be together.  
  
“Can I please just kiss you already? I’ve been waiting for ages”  
  
Taeyong smiled a little and leant in to kiss the other softly. He too, had missed the smell and the feel of Jaehyun’s hair. He missed tracing his dimples when he felt him smiling against their kiss. He missed him even now when they were right next to each other. Taeyong changed his position to face Jaehyun completely, still sitting in his lap with his legs around the younger boy. Something inside him was stirring and he could feel his skin getting hotter, and he couldn’t really keep himself for deepening the kiss. Jaehyun was obviously willing, and wrapped his arms around his light weight boyfriend sitting on his lap. God, how could anyone smell this good? How could anyone’s mouth feel this good, taste this good?  
  
“Oh Jaehyun, you’ve made me the happiest boy on earth” He whispered between the kisses before catching Jaehyun’s full bottom lip between his own, tugging gently. Jaehyun moaned and kisses him back with more pressure, until their noses were scrunched up against each others, not giving them any chance to breathe properly.  
  
“Your happiness is very important for me” Jaehyun said quietly, and kissed him lightly on the corner of Taeyong’s mouth before pulling back to lean against the wall to just watch the other. Taeyong had his hands on Jaehyun’s chest, fiddling with the neckline of his black t-shirt. Jaehyun had such an amazing body – years ago he had been envious of his well rounded muscles and firm thighs, but now he was pretty content with being a skinny twig next to his strong man. His hands travelled down his boyfriends sides to find their way under his t-shirt. He loved feeling the curves of the other boy’s chest and abdominal muscles. Today they were especially firm, and his fingers dipped down the grooves of hard muscle. The feeling itself was enough to make his mouth water.  
  
“You have a new workout routine?” Taeyong asked. Jaehyun had lifted his hands to rest behind his head with a sneaky smile on his face.  
  
“I’ve just been very diligent since we stopped doing the radio”  
  
“Mhm” Taeyong counted all the grooves under the black shirt until he got to his chest, that also had swollen up a little bit more since last time he examined him closer. Taeyong’s eyes were dying for some forbidded fruit, so he withdrew his hands and pushed the shirt up to reveal Jaehyun’s pale skin.  
  
“Flex” He said, dragging out on the final S.  Jaehyun laughed out before obeying Taeyong’s wish, contracting his stomach as well as he could. His six pack was so well defined, so, so deliciously touchable, and Taeyong almost lost his breath when he started tracing through the grooves. The slight trail of hair leading down his navel to his designer boxers could have been a trail of chocolate in Taeyong’s eyes. He wanted to lick the sweat of him after a performance; he wanted to eat his freaking lunch from Jaehyun’s rock hard stomach. Of course he had seen Jaehyun naked a million times, but he had failed to notice his frame getting bigger during the past month.  
  
“So hard” He whispered and bit his lip.  
  
“That’s not the only thing that’s hard right now” Jaehyun said cheekily.  Taeyong inhaled noisily and swallowed hard, before carefully placing one of his hands on the younger boy’s jeans. Oh yes, he was hard all right.  
  
He whispered “Damn”, not letting his eyes leave the naked skin. This was not the time and place to be horny, however. Jaehyun noticed the slight strain in his expression, immidietly understanding what he was thinking about. He pulled his shirt down and put his arms over Taeyong’s shoulders.  
  
“Don’t worry Hyung, I know we can’t. I’ll deal with it later in the shower”

The older giggled a little; however not bother to conceal the sadness in his voice.  
  
“When you do you think we can be together again?”  
  
“I don’t know, I doubt I will get my own room now that Haechan’s back. And too bad Johnny’s parents lives on another continent so he won’t be visiting them any time soon either.”  
  
“Could we maybe book a separate hotel room in Japan in advance under a fake name?”  
  
“We could try” Jaehyun said somberly.  
  
“I will try to figure out which hotel we’re gonna stay at in Sapporo”  
  
Jaehyun smiled. “It could be the night after the second gig. We could order in some champagne. I could buy you something nice to wear and and then I would both love and tease you so hard you’d forgot everything about the concert. You’re my little prince, my tiny beautiful prince with mischief in your eyes” When he finished his sentence he was whispering, and Taeyong found himself completely lost in his boyfriend’s warm eyes. It sounded wonderful.  
  
It was getting late, and Haechan could be walking in on them any time soon. Taeyong gave Jaehyun’s groin a squeeze through his jeans before jumping off the bed.  
  
“Think of me in the shower, alright?” He said and blew him a kiss before leaving the room.  
  
  
  


Taeyong headed straight for bed, tired as he was after an eventful day. But right when he thought Jaehyun was done with him for the day he heard his phone buzz. He decides to check it on more time before falling asleep, and wasn't too surprised to find Jaehyuns name lighting up the screen. By now he knew he shouldn’t underestimate his horny boyfriend.  
  
_"are u sleeping baby?"_  
  
"no, why?"  
  
_"Send a pic for me?"_  
  
"well i'm in bed… And you saw me for 15 minutes ago^-^?"  
  
_“Strip and go take a mirror selfie, hurry up"_    
  
Oh okay, apparently Jaehyun wasn't done thinking about him in the shower. The thought of Jaehyun jerking off just a few rooms away was enough to erase all the sleep from his eyes. Johnny was watching netflix on his phone or whatever, so Taeyong jumped out of bed and went to the bathroom.   
  
He took off his loose t-shirt and shivered a little from the cold. He refused to take an ugly selfie so he made sure the capture his best angle in the mirror and put his hand inside his boxers. He cringed at how he looked like a teenaged boy in the picture but sent it anyway, being satisfied with his face at least. Then he put on his t-shirt again to wait for a response.   
  
_"You're so pretty, the prettiest there is, you know that right? Now show me how hard you get when thinking about my dick in you pretty baby”_

Taeyong blushed when he read the message, not sure if he wanted to start jerking off while Johnny was still awake and might need to go to the toilet. But since his cock was twitching anyway he thought he might as well please his boyfriend and take a picture at least. He stroked himself a few time until he was hard enough to have his erection curl nicely up against his stomach. He fumbled for his phone, feeling horribly dirty even thinking about sharing a picture of his private parts. His length wasn’t nearly as impressive as Jaehyun’s, but he liked himself and thought that he fitted well in both Jaehyun’s hand and his mouth. Maybe somewhere else too, if he was getting imaginative. He cringed hard at the thought although it made his guts thighten in a peculiar way.  
  
He took the picture and sent it, checking at least thrice it was for Jaehyun (or Yoonoh, as it said on his phone) and no-one else.  
  
His heart was racing when Jaehyun replied.  
  
_“Oh fuuuuck”_  
_“that’s my boy”_  
_“Jerk off and send me the video_ ”  
  
Taeyong choke on his own laughter when he read the last text. No, he wouldn’t do that. Not a chance, not with Johnny awake. The idea intrigued him however, especially since his neglected erection still tried its best to remind him of its existence.  
  
“ _Nope :’’’’D”_  
  
Jaehyun replied.  
_“:( “_  
  
_“I dare you to do it”_ Taeyong replied, smiling stupidly for himself.  
  
“ _Oh I bet you’re dying to see it, dirty boy…_ ” was the reply he got.  
  
  
Taeyong stared at their chat log for at least 60 seconds before realizing that Jaehyun was probably doing the deed at this very moment. He giggled out loud, already forgotten about dealing with himself. Johnny shouted from outside the bathroom.  
  
“What’s so funny? I need to go to the toilet soon”  
  
Taeyong reeeeally wanted to see Jaehyun’s video and he didn’t dare doing that without the protection of locked doors, so Johnny’s bladder would have to wait.  
  
Taeyong almost jumped up when his phone finally buzzed.  
  
It was a text followed by a cropped 30 second video.  
  
_“Next time I’ll fuck your tight lil bruised ass so hard you won’t be able to do the shows for a week you slut”_  
The video was indeed a clip of Jaehyun jerking off his veiny cock in his and haechan’s bathroom. He had apparently placed the phone on the sink and therefor not being able to monitor the screen. Only the lower part of his face was shown, but sure, it was Jaehyun with his amazing, amazing body. He was pumping himself hard, moaning _“ohhhh fuuck Tae…_ ” loud enough for Taeyong to believe Haechan hadn’t returned to his room yet. Jaehyun’s abdomen and thighs contracted when he came into his own hand, white hot liquid dripping down his stomach. The video ended a little after.  
  
Taeyong jaw was probably hanging all the way to the floor. He had to rewatch the video two times to make sure he’d seen every corner for the full 30 seconds. His cheeks were burning along with his own member that was throbbing violently in his boxers. Oh god he loved Jaehyun, how he loved that sexy, sexy man that was only his.  
  
He was woken up from his trance when Johnny knocked on the door.  
  
“Pleeease Yongie”  
  
Taeyong blushed and closed the chat log. He didn’t want to walk out with a boner in front of Johnny so he wrapped a towel around his lower body even though he hadn’t showered. He opened the door and slipped out, heading quickly towards his bed. Johnny raised an eyebrow at him for wearing his pyjamas with a towel, but didn’t comment it.  
  
  
  
  


However great their plans sounded the day before, things didn’t go as planned. Jaehyun had his discussion with the management, and unlike Taeyong, he got a real deal of harsch scolding. The management had no evidence of Taeyong’s and Jaehyun’s relationship, but the rumours alone were enough for them to want to put Jaehyun down to the ground. Jaehyun had denied everything, even choked down his own tears when they asked him about their suspicions about him abusing their leader. Eventually, they believed him, probably content with their scaring tactics. However, they decided to cut half a year off Jaehyun’s salary as punishment.  
  
“What? Are they punishing you for some rumours going around? Are they serious?” Taeyong said when Jaehyun told him the news.  
  
“Yeah. I think we need to skip our Sapporo plans…” Jaehyun mumbled, looking pretty miserable.  
  
Taeyong sighed and scratched his neck.  
  
“Well, yeah. Damn, it will take longer for you to pay your debt to the company now”  
  
Jaehyun looked really frustrated. “My parents would probably pay for the extra 6 months but I don’t want them to know why I got cut off”  
  
Jaehyun sounded so bitter that it made Taeyong’s heart flinch. He grabbed hold of the other’s arm. “I’ll buy you everything you want, I promise, I’ll pay for your food as well” the older pleaded.  
  
“You know how much I eat?” Jaehyun said with a laugh.  
  
Taeyong could see he was anxious even behind his jokes. He didn’t like this turn of events one bit. If just a simple rumour could damage the group this much, what would happen if they actually got some real evidence? _Everyone’s replacable_ … The line kept ringing in his head. They could surely move Jaehyun to start another unit on his own together with some random trainees who could sing in English. It didn’t seem like the company cared at all about the complaints of fans over Winwin’s transfer. And Jaehyun’s parents… it hurt him so much to know that Jaehyun couldn’t ask his loaded parents for help just because of the fact that Taeyong was a man. Damn this country, he thought for himself while assuring Jaehyun that everything would end up just well as long as they kept low for a while.  
  
Eventually he damned himself and went out smoking, and in a moment of selfpity he called his sister for some advice.  
Too bad she didn’t answer.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry in advance if you don't like the change of dynamics in their turbulent relationship. Taeyong's being a selfish bit*h and Jaehyun is still just reaally confused. And sorry for dragging poor Ten into this mess, it's just for the drama!

The next best thing to Taeyong’s sister when it came to talking his heart out was Ten. He could always, always talk with Ten, completely openly, knowing he would get only his honest opinion and that only. Because of the yearbook drama (for some reason the company had some trouble deciding if they could release the yearbook with the new Chinese members or not. Everyone was so pissed at this bullshit by now) Ten was in Seoul for another week, which came in very handy this evening. Johnny was in another city for a photocourse that day, and wouldn’t be coming home until late after midnight. Since Jaehyun didn’t answer when Taeyong called for him (he was probably working out) he decided to ask for Ten to visit. The Thai boy accepted the invitation happily and rushed to the 127’ dorm with some snacks. Much to Taeyong’s delighted, the younger jumped up to embrace him as soon as the door opened. Taeyong had really missed the Thai boy. It was weird not seeing each other anymore, considering how much time they spent together during NCT U and NCT 2018 eras a year ago. He was eager to know how Winwin, Kun and Xuxi were doing in China, and if the new boys were as funny as they seemed to be on their youtube videos. There was a lot to catch up with, for sure. They ended up sitting in Taeyong’s bed eating the Chinese snacks Ten wanted Taeyong to try, just talking about their now separated lives.  
  
“Well, tell me everything about your boyfriend experience. You love it?” Ten asked.  
  
”It has its ups and downs”  
  
”It does? Is Jaehyun being a bitch?”  
  
”No, of course not… But we almost got caught twice.” Ten raised his eyebrows. “And there’s rumors going around within the staff”  
  
“That was fast” Ten said.  
  
“And not only that… We see each other every day but with the touring schedule we hardly get the chance to even talk privately, except for texting. Sometimes I’m afraid I’m gonna end up convincing myself that this wasn’t a good idea after all.” He sounded sad while saying it out loud for the first time. But he would be lying to himself if he said that he didn’t have his doubts. It was just that he really, really wanted it to work out well for them.  
  
Taeyong had really wished that people would be happy for him and his newfound happiness. But apparently that was a highly naïve thought already from the beginning. Even from their group, Jungwoo was probably the only one who was genuinely happy for their sake; the rest, Johnny included, were just secretly afraid that they would screw it and end up splitting the group up. Furthermore, he had promised Jaehyun to tell his sister about their relationship. He had indeed planned to do that since she might be able to see the situation from Taeyong’s perspective, but the fear of his parents finding out kept him back. And what about Jaehyun’s parents, who wanted to marry him off to some rich girl?  
  
Ten didn’t really know what to say and just settled on throwing and arm around the older’s shoulders.  
“Johnny told be about that night when you two were really drunk and made out in front of everyone in the car. Please tell me there were no managers in that car” Ten said.  
  
Taeyong shook his head and felt a blush creeping up his cheeks.  
  
“Man, I would have loved to see that….” Ten said with a giggle.  
Taeyong thought about his next sentence for a while, and eventually decided his heart deserved to share at least some of the burden with someone else.

  
“The scary thing is…. I remember enjoying the feeling of being watched. I really liked it and it kind of turned me on. But that’s just wrong, Ten. I’m a man and he’s a man and… It makes me feel like a freak, especially in this stuck up country where I won’t even be able to kiss my boyfriend publicly”    
  
“Gosh, Yongie, Stop whining and just accept your sexuality. You might like to be whipped by a man but who cares, it’s your life!” Ten said and and grabbed hold of Taeyong’s shoulders to shake them. “You’re so unfair against yourself. Why don’t you live a little? There’s ways to do stuff in secrecy. I mean come on, we never had that problem”  
  
_Well that’s because I weren’t in love with you. I didn’t need to hold your hand.  
_   
 Taeyong buried his face in his hands, mostly because of shame. It wasn’t just about sex and making out in the back of a car. He just really enjoyed knowing that he belonged to someone handsome and charismatic as Jaehyun, and he wanted to show the whole world how dedicated he was to please this man in every way possible. And he couldn’t do that; He would never walk the red carpet hand in hand with him, he would never be able to kiss him on the street after buying ice cream on a hot summer’s day. Worst of all, he couldn’t even tell his parents that he was madly in love with the most perfect human being he’d ever met.  
  
“I know Johnny’s away today, why don’t you ask Jaehyun to come here?” Ten said and took up his phone.  
  
“You talk an awful lot with Johnny nowadays” Taeyong pointed out.  
  
“I do? Well he likes to keep me updated on what’s the latest drama happening in Seoul. He never shut ups anyway, so might as well have a phone to his ear”.  
  
“What if he’s into you” Taeyong said curiously.  
  
“Johnny, the flirt himself? Is everyone suddenly gay in this household? I doubt that” Ten said loudly and typed something on his phone.  
  
“Who are you texting?”  
“Jaehyun. I told him you’re free for the night and wants some”  
  
Taeyong punched Ten hard but playfully into his arm. “No you didn’t”. Ten shrugged and smiled widely. They looked at each other for a while.  
  
“Weird to see you with black hair” Ten finally said.  
  
“Why?”  
  
“In my mind you always have red hair”  
  
Taeyong blushed. He and Ten had surely been a visual couple (reminder to himself: they were never together). They were skinny as sticks, Ten with his purplish grey fairy hair and Taeyong with a slit in his eyebrow. Always dressed nicely, moving gracefully. Taeyong always felt manlier when he was around Ten with his nasal voice and pointy nose. He was the taller one for once. He had the deeper voice. During sex he preferred to be on top, and he liked when Ten dug his nails so deep into his back they drew blood. Now, he was in the completely opposite position. Even when he tried to stand his ground, he couldn’t help but fall into the submissive role, completely helpless before Jaehyun’s firm body and dreamy eyes. Every time they had sex he felt like he wanted to give in more and more until he had lost every ounce of selfishness in his body. He was afraid that he wouldn’t even react in that state of mind to Jaehyun calling him a whore.  
  
“You think I’m slutty?” He suddenly asked.  
  
”You? Only when you dance and you know I like it” Ten laughed.  
  
“Mhm”  
  
Ten was looking at him with a mischievous smile, probably expecting an explanation for his weird question. When he didn’t say anything, Ten grabbed a pastry and started to chew loudly just to annoy his friend some more. That was one of his charms – being annoying in the most appealing way.  
  
Ten started speaking with his mouth full of crumbs. “You know what Johnny said once to-“  
  
Taeyong interrupted him somewhat rudely. “Am I a horrible person for sometimes missing the thing we had?”  
  
Ten shut his mouth and stared at his friend for some seconds. Taeyong instantly regretted the words escaping his lips. It wasn’t fair to Jaehyun, who he in fact actually loved. But was it wrong that he missed easier times?  
  
The other finally answered. “Um, I’m not sure I’m the right person to answer that, I’m kind of biased. I’m sorry Tae”.  
  
A stupid comment was on the tip of Taeyong’s tongue but he swallowed it, bashing his lacking morale at the same time. He couldn’t even blame the many blurred lines between Ten and himself – if he truly loved Jaehyun, he wouldn’t miss the other boy’s touch, even though he was just a friend and not a lover in the romantic way. Gosh, he felt like shit.  
  
And in that moment of self hatred Ten looked at him in a way only he could with his curious, bright eyes. And they looked each other into the eyes so intensly Taeyong didn’t even notice moving in on the other boy. He didn’t know if he did it on purpose or if he was just another victim to the immense pull Ten excerted on people. Ten might be able to give him some solance and comfort, if just for this night. Their faces were just a few centimeters from each other when there was a knock on the door. Taeyong was brought back to reality and immediately retracted away from Ten.  
  
A newly showered Jaehyun popped his head through the door, however losing his relaxed smile when he saw Ten sitting on Taeyong’s bed.  
  
“Oh, I thought you’d left already since you texted me…:” He said with reddening ears towards Ten. He began to excuse himself, but Ten stopped him by calling out after him.  
  
“Jae, come in! I haven’t seen your pretty face in ages. I suppose it’s okay if I invite him over?” Ten said while looking at Taeyong.  
  
”Well it’s my room so…” the older muttered.  
  
Jaehyun stepped hesitantly inside and sat himself by the table. He was indeed freshly washed and smelling nice, muscles still plump under his clean tank top after his workout session. Taeyong suddenly forgot everything about his doubts regarding their relationship, and wanted to throw Ten out of the room so that he could let Jaehyun climb on top of him just like he was supposed to do.  
  
“So… What have you been doing?” Jaehyun asked awkwardly.  
  
Ten looked at Taeyong who looked at the snacks in the bed. “Uhm, just talking.”  
  
“Okay”  
  
There was this extremely awkward atmosphere none of them had experienced before together as a group. Taeyong felt really bad for Ten’s sake, but luckily the younger boy had a very tough skin and didn’t get thrown off by the tenseness in Jaheyun’s aura. He started putting away the snacks, as he was embarrassed that Jaehyun had seen how messy the bed was after his and Ten’s snackfest.  
  
“Well, Jaehyunnie, is he any good in bed?” Ten said cheekily. Taeyong turned his back to Jaehyun and groaned in embarrassment while tidying up.  
  
“Wouldn’t you know” Jaehyun said coldly. Taeyong groaned even more, wanting to escape the situation with any means necessary. Ten giggled and threw an arm over Taeyong’s shoulders.  
  
“I’m sorry, don’t take it so hard. I was just teasing you since you two are so cute. He’s all yours, you know. I have my aim somewhere else”  
  
Taeyong couldn’t help but turn to face the Thai boy. “Who???”  
  
Ten raised his eyebrows and smiled widely without saying any names.  
  
The older realized who he was talking about. “Nooo wayyy” He said with wide eyes. Ten giggled in response and bit his lower lip.  
  
  
Jaehyun sighed and got up to leave the room, apparently not in the mood for two pretty boys talking about other pretty boys. His black haired boyfriend however noticed his sudden movement and raised an arm.  
  
“Jaehyunnie, please, stay?”  
  
The younger sat himself down again and stared at his friends. Ex-lovers. Or whatever they were. He crossed his arms and observed them for a while under his bangs. As to make a point, he flipped his bangs over before running both of his hands through his still wet hair.  
  
“Okay. Okay, how about this. I would like to see you kiss” He suddenly said.

  
Taeyong’s eyes went wide open as he gasped “WHAT?”  
  
Ten was equally perplexed. This was a question Ten might have asked of Jaehyun and Taeyong when drunk, but for Jaehyun to do so…? The older was completely and utterly confused by his boyfriend’s agenda. Why couldn’t his actions make sense even for once?  
  
“Yeah. I wanna see what Taeyong looks like when he’s kissing someone. It might turn me on” His face was scarily neutral, but open and honest.  
  
Ten looked at Taeyong with a slight panic in his eyes, realizing he was in a very dangerous place right now. There was no way this could end up well! Tayeong too was freaking out. He couldn’t kiss Ten in front of new boyfriend, right? Ain’t that cheating?? But if Jaehyun wanted it, even demanded it, wasn’t it okay then? He didn’t love Ten like he loved Jaehyun, there wouldn’t be any kind of feelings involved – just lips on lips pleasing his real lovers eyes. He suddenly got a déjà vu of being drunk in the back of the bus making out with Jaehyun. Suddenly the notion of making out with Ten in front of his smoking hot boyfriend might have made him just a tiny wee bit excited after all. If he liked it, and they liked it, so why not? It might not be as disastrous as it first had sounded. But surely, SURELY Jaheyun wouldn’t make him actually do this.  
  
“Jaehyun, I’ll go, I won’t bother you two anymore, I promise” Ten said and raised his hands into the air  defensively.  
Jaehyun shook his head.  
  
“It’s okay Ten. If you’re okay to kiss him, feel free, you’ll have my allowance this time. I wanna watch.”  
Ten turned back to Taeyong and shrugged.  
  
“Jae, you’re making him uncomfortable” Taeyong said sharply. Ten grabbed his arms and whispered _“No Tae it’s okay really…_ ”  
  
Jaehyun crossed his arms and leaned back against the chair again. “I’m not forcing you or anything, you know”  
  
The older looked at Jaehyun with dark eyes.  
  
“Jaehyun, is this a trick?”  
  
The younger shook his head slightly and closed his eyes momentarily.  
“No. It’s not. I trust you, you know. I’m just really intrigued and turned on by this image in my head”  
  
Taeyong blinked at him, not really knowing what to say. The younger obviously sensed his panic.  
  
“If it gets too much I’ll tell you, and then I also expect you to stop”. He sounded sincere enough. He didn’t think Jaehyun would be this false and trick him into doing something that would eventually shoot him in the back.    
  
Taeyon swallowed and nodded slightly in Jaehyun’s direction. This was by far the weirdest situation he’d ever been in. So this was Jaehyun’s kink? Watching others? Or did he want to… to join? Taeyong’s cheeks burned from embarrassment just thinking about the scenarios they might have in front of them. He looked back at Ten (poor boy, stuck in the middle) who was waiting nervously for orders. Taeyong closed his eyes and inhaled deeply, before opening them again and whispering a quiet but firm “How about you?” to his friend in front of him.  
   
"I’m okay if you are" Ten told him nervously but still with a mischievous spark in his eyes.  
  
 Taeyong glanced one more time at Jaehyun who was watching them sternly with crossed arms. He really couldn’t read his face at all, but Jaehyun nodded and that was key enough.  
  
The older then finally, painfully slowly leaned in again his ex lover, knowing that Jaehyun was observing the movement with the weirdest of fascinations. Taeyong couldn’t figure out what was going through that handsome head of his considering how jealous and possessive he usually was. Maybe this was a way for him to work through the jealousy regarding Ten? Maybe he wanted to have full control over both of them, and the only way doing that was actually bringing them together, making sure their kissing wasn’t better or hotter than between himself and Taeyong.  Or maybe he was just making a point – he knew he couldn’t stop whatever may or may not be happening between Taeyong and Ten but at least he could threaten them in a fucked up way like this. He might use it as leverage. Oh god it got to be a trick….

The thoughts rushed through Taeyong’s head until he eventually met the Thai boy’s lips in an awkward kiss. Time stilled.  
  
However innocent and modest it was, it was enough for every cell of Taeyong’s body to ignite into a violent flame, both dangerous as it was enchanting. And at once he felt a surprisingly strong wave of arousal wash over him - not because of the Thai boy's familiar lips, but of the fact that Jaehyun indeed was observing them ruthlessly. He could feel the brunette boy’s eyes piercing a hole through the side of his head. It really felt like Taeyong was doing something incredible bad and immoral with a easily accessible get-out-of-jail card (called Jaehyun) in his pocket. He had a sense of power too, for once, and he liked it.  
  
Encouraged by the hot blood running through his veins he lifted his hand up to cup Ten's cheek, and he angled himself better to deepen the kiss. He was surprised to find Ten this willing, feeling his tongue already teasing his lips. By that instance he knew Ten had missed this as much as Taeyong had once upon a time. And their kiss was good, exactly as good as it had been the year before. Jaehyun was a good considerate kisser while Ten was good too, but the exact opposite. He was very straight forward, incredibly teasing but very much selfish too.  
  
Taeyong wanted more of the body he had under his palms and lips as the excitement he got from knowing his boyfriend was watching was on the brink of ridiculous. Taeyong showed his tongue into Ten's mouth a bit harder than necessary, earning an accidental (or not so accidental) moan from the younger. That turned him on even more, so he pulled Ten’s smaller body closer and wrapped him in his arms. Ten broke the kiss while shifting positions and chose to attack Taeyong's neck instead.  
  
The older heard a slight groan from his audience and fixed his eyes on his boyfriend. Jaehyun was breathing harder, shifting uncomfortably on the chair like he had ants in his pants. Taeyong kept eyecontact with him while Ten was kissing his neck passionately. He tried to study the younger boy’s eyes for any sign of disgust or anger - Did he really want them to continue? He couldn’t find any anger in Jaehyun’s calm eyes however, just curiosity and raw lust. Taeyong badly wanted to lay his hands upon the other, and for a few seconds he almost forgot about Ten sucking on his collarbone. He didn’t even notice when Ten’s hand went under his top to pinch his nipples hard. The Thai boy sure remembered what Taeyong liked, but in Taeyong’s mind it was Jaehyun doing it, Jaehyun pleasing him, Jaehyun making him go completely berserk. He knew he probably looked like a cheap hoe the way he was moaning and making obscene faces in Jaehyun’s direction, but it was okay since Jaehyun liked him that way. Jaehyun bit his own fingers to keep himself from saying something nasty.  


Taeyong was still lookin straight at Jaehyun in the eye when he started to seriously get out of breath. As his panting got louder Ten grabbed his chin to kiss him again, and they kissed breathlessly for a few seconds before Taeyong opened his eyes again to look at his boyfriend being awfully turned on. He didn’t break eyecontact even though he bit down on Ten’s lower lip, making the Thai boy wince. Wanting to hear more sounds escape those lips he reached out for Ten’s jeans and started fidgeting with his belt.  
  
“Tae, no.” Jaehyun’s voice was sharp, and it made the older pull away his hand immediately. Apparently touching Ten was provoking Jae too much. His long fingers were apparently still only reserved for Jaehyun and Jaehyun’s body only.  Instead, he decided on feeling himself down to the hem of his jeans before cupping himself in front of Jaehyun’s darkened eyes. He whispered “Better?” and saw how Jaehyun bit his lip as a confirmation. His own touch was enough to make him groan and shake, and he had to break a wet messy kiss with Ten to gather himself. Ten apparently also liked the sound of pleasure escaping Taeyong’s mouth, and he quickly pulled the t-shirt off the black haired boy and pushed him down to the bed to fully focus on sucking his nipples. Taeyong stretched out like a cat over the bed covers and arched his back high, still maintaining eyecontant with Jaehyun, whose eyes had finally taken a darker shade due to the jealousy he had hidden so very well for the fast 15 minutes.   
  
“fuck” Jaehyun whispered, already having his own hand inside his sweatpants.  
  
“Jae I want you here too” Taeyong murmured with his surprisingly low voice.  
   
“You should”  
  
The brunette grunted, got up from his chair and walked closer to the bed. He couldn’t help but reach out to touch Taeyong’s lips, not really bothering the other guy making loud wet noises over his boyfriend’s chest. The older saw the chance to take the finger into his mouth and give it a good suck. Then he reached out over the edge of the bed to grab hold of Jaehyun’s sweatpants and pulling him closer, until he could cup the other’s rockhard erection under the soft fabric. He started massaging it through the pants, causing Jaehyun’s breath to hitch. Jaehyun grabbed the back of his head and brought him closer, signaling that he wanted Taeyong to give him a blowjob. Taeyong was about to pull down his sweatpants when….

…When the reality of the situation suddenly struck him like lightning from the sky.  
  
 Ten had also noticed the change of dynamics and was slowly kissing his way down Taeyong’s flat belly. He was dangerously low, already having his hand over Taeyong’s own member, when the older decided it was time to have a tactical break due to his sudden epiphany.  
  
“Ten, stop” He said, making the Thai boy look up from his place above Taeyong’s lower regions.  
  
He then turned to Jaehyun. “Honey do you really want us to go further?” Taeyong knew he really didn’t. Not right now at least. This was already far beneath his comfort zone. He stared pleadingly into Jaehyun’s eyes.  
Jaehyun swallowed and ran his fingers through Taeyong’s messy black hair. The madridden lust in his eyes faded away quicker than he though was possible. He suddenly looked very vulnerable while standing there above his boyfriend and his boyfriend’s old fuck buddy.  
  
“I … I don’t know… Maybe we shouldn’t?” He said.  
“No. I don’t think we should” Taeyong agreed.  
  
Everyone was quiet for a few tense seconds. Ten eventually pulled away and sat himself at the edge of the bed. He was still breathing a little harder, looking somewhat out of place. Taeyong pulled his t-shirt down and raised himself onto his elbows.  
  
Jaehyun addressed Ten for the first time in twenty minutes. His ears were screamingly red.  
“Ten, I’m really sorry for putting you through this. I don’t know what got into me” He said pitifully.  
   
Ten shook his head and smiled. “Curiousity got into you. No need to apologize. I enjoyed it after all. Your boyfriend is still hot”. Ten jumped off the bed and straightened his clothes, before walking towards the door. Ten obviously understood better than to remain in the room to witness the embarrassing discussion to come between the two other boys.  
  
Jaehyun and Taeyong looked after him with empty faces.    
  
“Jaehyunnie, please make Taeyong very happy for my sake”. He said and opened the door.  
  
“This stays between us” Taeyong pleaded.  
  
Ten smiled his wide signature smile and nodded.  
 “Of course”. He looked genuinely pretty pleased with the events of the night. He then left the room.  
  
  
  
  
The moment Ten closed the door the realization of what just almost had happened hit Taeyong like a truck. His head filled up with a million thoughts, trying to decipher the weird mix of emotions inside his heart. He struggled with comprehending whether the pleasant feelings he had felt while kissing Ten were acceptable or plainly twisted and immoral regardless of the fact that Jaehyun had asked for it. Furthermore, he wasn’t sure if this new side of Jaehyun was something he was that keen on. He really couldn’t tell. Taeyong shifted in the bed and looked at his boyfriend.  
  
Jaehyun had sat himself down on the edge of the bed looking baffled. The atmosphere was horribly tense – Taeyong felt that he had so say something.  
  
“Uhm, that was really…. weird and unexpected of you?” the older said hesitantly.  
  
Jaehyun shook his head. “I…. It was a fantasy I couldn’t resist”  
   
“You fantasize about me together with Ten?”  
  
“No no no I just … I just wanted to see what you look like when you’re making out… or whatever with someone” Jaehyun looked at him with regretful eyes.  
  
“Why didn’t you just film us in bed earlier? Maybe we could put a cam up next time?”  
  
“Come on, you didn’t even want to send me that video of you in the bathroom earlier. And this was kind of a sudden urge anyway”  
  
“Okay” Taeyong said and massaged his own thighs. He wasn’t completely satisfied with the explanation, it sounded too weak.    
  
Jaehyun turned to look at him and put a hand on top of the one he had on his thigh.  
“Did you like it?” He asked almost eagerly.  
  
“What? That’s… I can’t anwer that, that’s an unfair question. I don’t know”. He honestly didn’t know if Jaehyun meant liking Ten or Jaehyun watching.  
  
Jaehyun looked sad by the response.  
“I’m just curious if you liked doing it with someone else present”  
  
“Well you and me didn’t do anything?” Taeyong was getting frustrated with not knowing what Jaehyun really wanted out of his sexlife. The fact that he couldn’t read the other boy for shit distressed him an awful lot. He’d thought the other was mature enough to discuss things like this through before initiating activities that could endanger not only their love life, but also their friendship as a whole. The uncertainty almost made him feel a slightest bit nauseous.  
  
Jaehyun raised his voice a little. “You were eyefucking me all the way. And I was this close to let you suck me off in front of him”  
  
“So you actually wanted US to make out in front of Ten? Why didn’t you say so in the first place?”  
  
Jaehyun didn’t respond, probably trying to come up with a good reply. His silence was a good enough reply as it was.  
  
“Jesus Jae, what do you want?”  
  
Jaehyun threw his arms out in the air in anguish and sighed loudly.  
“I WANT YOU, I want you so fucking bad, I need you and I want you in every way possible. I can’t contain myself so I do stupid things”. He looked desperate – he probably meant what he said.  
  
Taeyong stretched his arms out on the bed again before crossing them behind his neck. Fair enough. They would need to talk about this later anyways, and apologize properly to Ten. But that could wait, at least for a few hours. He was still kind of turned on anyway, so he might as well try to bury his inner demons with pleasure, at least for now.  
  
“Well come take me then” He said rather aggressively and pouted with his pink lips.  
   
  
Jaehyun looked at him for approximately three seconds before climbing on top of Taeyong and pinning him down with his lower body. He was heavy, and for a moment the older had some trouble catching his breath. Soon enough Jaehyun propped himself up on his elbows and leaned down to kiss Taeyong’s neck. He begun to grind against the older and it didn’t take long before they were mentally exactly where they ended before asking Ten to leave. Jaehyun was panting heavily, pushing his hips so hard against the smaller framed boy that his pointy hipbones started to hurt.  
“Jae you’re heavy” Taeyong managed to squeak out. Jaehyun lifted himself up onto his knees and looked at Taeyong, bangs falling freely over his eyes.  
“And you’re beautiful” he said under his breath.  
The older grabbed after the hem of his sweatpants and pushed a hand inside them to grab the other’s burning hot length. He squeezed a little, making Jaehyun breath wheeze through his nose in a quite adorable way actually.  
  
“I’m also very, _very_ bad” Taeyong said, raising one eyebrow.  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“I’m a bad boy who almost fucked his ex in front of your eyes”. It didn’t come out like he wanted. His own words stung him in the chest like a toxic, rotten dagger. He pushed the thought away but the guilt-ridden feeling persisted.  
  
“Yeah”  
  
“Bad boys like me deserve a punishment” Taeyong hissed and bit his lower lip. When Jaehyun didn’t react he pointed at his own cheek, slapping it gently.  
  
Like lightning coming down from the sky, Taeyong’s face hit the pillow when a surprisingly hard, noisy slap hit his left cheek. He realized what had happened first half a second later when his cheek started to throb and burn from pain. Jaehyun was looking down on him with a scared expression, probably afraid of himself and his ability to hit his boyfriend hard enough to make him quiver.  
  
Taeyong felt a drop of blood sipping out from the corner of his lip on his tongue.  
  
This was exactly what he needed to forget the distressing gut-feeling he had from before. He needed some beating for the bad thing’s he’d done today.  
  
“God, Jaehyun” He said before pulling the younger down by his neck and kissing him roughly with his bloody lip. Jaehyun answered immediately, letting his tongue swirl together with the older boy’s, devouring him the best he could. Taeyong pulled at the other ones hair to angle his face better, and soon they were both a mess of wet hungry mouths searching for each other.  
  
“Babe, fuck me up” Taeyong managed to say beneath his breath, digging his nails into the younger ones back and behind. There was this hollowness filling up his stomach and he needed to erase the feeling fast.  
The other couldn’t wait either, and pulled down his sweatpants to his knees without breaking the kiss. He tried to to the same with Taeyong’s jeans but eventually he cursed and broke the kiss to open the belt and zipper of the other’s skinny ripped jeans. They struggled a bit to pull them down, but soon enough the older was naked down below with his own erection pointing up at the roof.  Jaehyun pinned Taeyong down to the bed with his hips once again, making the younger moan in a high pitched sound.  
   
“Where you keep the lube?” he asked quickly, and Taeyong pointed at the cupboard next to the bed. Jaehyun reach over to search for it, and managed to make a real mess on the floor when he moved aside old papers and records and medical stuff. Clan as he was, Taeyong frowned internally.  
  
The lube was finally found, and Jaehyun smeared it out over himself with shaking hands. When he was ready he lowered himself on top of Taeyong again, his long hair tickling the older’s neck.  
Without any other warning than a grunt he thrusted himself into the other. Taeyong cried out loud and quickly took a bite of the pillow to muffle his own sounds. Just the way… he liked it.  
  
“Good boy” Jaehyun muttered and did a few slow but firm thrusts into the older to warm him up. Taeyong was grateful for the lube today – they didn’t have patience for any preparation. He clawed at Jaehyun’s back, remembering how he had earlier imagined leaving marks on Jaehyun just the way he left marks of love on him. He didn’t want to make the other younger think that he was just a weak little boy to be toyed with just because of him being a submissive mess in Jaehyun’s arms. He had nails, he had fists, and he too could be one mean motherfucker if he wanted to. At times he was afraid that Jaehyun would diminish the fact that Taeyong actually was his boss in his role as the leader of NCT 127. He would lose quite a lot of his authority if Jaehyun started to patronize him too much publicly.

  
So he digged his nails into Jaehyun’s back, making sure to leave scratches like he was a ferocious cat attacking its prey. And furthermore - today he wanted to be the one to decide when to come.  
  
Jaehyun winced at the pain Taeyong inflicted upon his back, and begun to pound harder to the extent of almost hammering the smaller boy. The older was forced to put his hand against the wall so he wouldn’t hit his head in the heat of the moment. He let out rhythmic moans everytime Jaehyun hit his special spot and as the speed increased he didn’t have any time to inhale. The bed was squeaking awkwardly – maybe he should buy a new one. Definitely a wider one.  
  
Jaehyun was sweating, and a pearl of salty liquid fell down onto Taeyong’s upper lip. Taeyong noticed how his rounded shoulders and biceps were shining almost like he had put oil on them. Maybe it was his moisturizer, Taeyong thought, and couldn’t pull away his eyes.  
  
He lifted his hips up because he knew the change of angle would feel great for Jaehyun. The other boy moaned loudly but ended up biting his lip, probably concentrating on holding his orgasm a bay. Taeyong wanted him to come now, however, sacrificing his own pleasure just to see Jaehyun lose the battle.  
He threw his head back and made a few ridiculously extravagant noises to get Jaehyun’s attention.

  
“Oh Jaehyunnie, is that the best you can do?” He licked his lips in the most outrageous way. “Give it to me like you _mean_ it, I wanna feel you all the way inside my belly until I burst. Fill me up to the edge” He took a pause to breathe, “and let me be your fucking bitch”

  
He felt a little uncomfortable acting the part but managed to disrupt Jaehyun’s concentration. He contracted his abdominal's as much as he could and made a few nice circular moves with his hips until Jaehyun couldn’t fight it anymore. He shuddered hard when he came and collapsed on top of Taeyong. It was all over pretty fast, leaving the older to feel quite proud over his achievement while wiggling himself away underneath Jaehyun’s heavy body.  
   
The younger breathed hard against the mattress for a while before turning his attention back to his boyfriend.  
  
“Phew, I thought I was stronger than that” He sad in a raspy voice.  
  
Taeyong patted his hair and scrunched his nose. “You can’t always win. Now, finish me off”  
  
”You’re wrong Taeyong, I always win” Jaehyun replied with a dimpled smile before reaching out for the older’s dick. He watched Taeyong while he was jerking him off, and didn’t break away his gaze before the older fell apart in a whimpering mess after reaching his climax.  
  
10 minutes later they were both properly dressed again, and Taeyong had even managed to clean up the mess Jaehyun had made when searching through his cupboard. The younger refused to leave, so they ended up spooning on top of Taeyong’s bed. The sex had helped to erase most of the weird vibes between them, and the dark hollow inside Taeyong’s gut felt a little better. He might not know what Jaehyun really fantasized about, but as long as the sex was great and fulfilling Taeyong thought he could manage with a little uncertainty in his life.  
  
Jaehyun hummed against his neck contently.  
  
“I wish I could stay here like this all night”  
  
Taeyong wished that too. It was another best feeling in the world (after running your hand through Jaehyun’s hair of course) to scrunch up like a ball against Jaehyun’s strong chest. Unfortunately it didn’t prevent his thoughts going back to the happenings earlier during the night. In the midst of his pleasure he’d almost forgot about Ten for a few minutes – and he cringed hard when he reflected upon how close they had been to actually engage sexually in a threesome. He still couldn’t deny the fact that he had been turned on by the whole incidence - He couldn’t deny the fact that he might not be able to say no if both of them offered to try it again. He knew that Ten had been genuine when he said that it didn’t matter to him – he was single after all, very much gay and experimental on top of that.  But most importantly, he also knew it wasn’t right, and if let it happen again, he would probably regret it forever. Eventually he concluded that all three of them would need some time to reflect upon what actually happened. Even though no-one had been hurt it still felt like something had changed between him and Jaehyun and he didn’t know if it was for good or for bad. He hoped that Jaehyun had got his fix or novelty after this evening and wouldn’t ask him to do something like that again in the nearest future.  
  
  
  
  
Jaehyun was pecking his neck lovingly when there was a knock on the door.  
  
Johnny, is he home already?  
  
Taeyong was suddenly wide awake and in a state of flight or fight. He rolled away from Jaehyun and jumped up from the bed just in time when Johnny opened the door. In his sudden movement he managed to hit Jaehyun in his eye. “What the f…” He whined before noticing Johnny, who had his camera hanging around his neck.  
  
Johnny looked mildly surprised.  
  
“Oh, Hi Jaehyun. I … I thought Ten said he would be visiting Taeyong today” he said.  
  
Jaehyun sat himself up on the edge of the bed and was about to say something when Taeyong interrupted him.  
  
“Yes he just went back to his place! Jaehyun’s about to go home now too, aren’t you? Do you mind me taking a quick shower Johnny since he’s leaving now?” He knew he sounded jitterish and he felt bad for it.  
  
“But….” Jaehyun began. He had probably expected to get to talk with Johnny about his photocourse before leaving.  
  
“Uhm…” Johnny said awkwardly, standing in the doorway with his bags.  
  
“Jaehyun, I think you should go now, alright? Would you please go?”  
  
Jaehyun didn’t reply, but he looked quite disappointed. Johnny was one of his best friends, after all. He got up from the bed and walked up to his boyfriend, who took a slight step back afraid that he actually might kiss him in front of Johnny. He knew Johnny had witnessed their drunken kissing a while ago but being sober… that’s a whole different deal. Jaehyun was however insistent, and gave him a quick peck on the cheek. “Good night, Hyung”.  
  
The older mumbled a goodnight and watched his boyfriend walked past Johnny, wishing him a good night as well.  
  
As soon as the door closed he opened up his bed and picked up his pyjamas and a fresh towel. Johnny was still standing by the door.  
  
“What was that?” Johnny asked.  
  
Taeyong looked up with feigned innocence.    
  
”Huh? Jaehyun just came over for a bit to chill”  
  
”Well that’s nothing new since you guys are dating. I mean, why were you so mean to him? Was it really necessary?”  
  
Taeyong shrugged and headed towards the bathroom, stepping under the harsh light of the hallway above Johnny’s head. The older grabbed his arm to stop him.  
  
”Hey, Tae. What has happened to your face? It’s all red”  
  
The black haired boy pulled his arm away from the other’s grip and escaped to the toilet without answering. He had completely forgot about the slap.  


 

 

Taeyong woke up feeling horrible.  
  
He had chatted with Ten the night before about what had happened. Ten was apparently very fine with their intimate get-together. He had de facto been in actual threesomes before, so he wouldn’t probably have minded if it had gotten even further on. He asked Taeyong to remember him if they someday actually reconsidered doing it all the way. Taeyong felt immensely awkward over Ten’s exaggerated eagerness, but tried to remember that the Thai boy was just quite a free spirit sexually and liked to have his fun if he got the chance, no feelings involved.  
  
Ten however was pretty shocked over the fact that he and Jaehyun hadn’t talked about this third-party involvement before. It didn’t feel completely normal for him to just suddenly demand Taeyong to kiss his friend without having even discussed the openness of their relationship earlier. Taeyong had told him that Jaehyun could be very jealous, and that’s probably why he hadn’t let Taeyong touch Ten much further on. The older was however afraid that Jaehyun might start to get seriously jealous and suspicious around Ten since he now had seen them actually doing it in action.  
  
_“He’s really confused, isn’t he_?” Ten texted.  
  
Yes, he was. Taeyong couldn’t get a grip on Jaehyun at all – he didn’t know his intentions, he couldn’t predict his actions, he was unsure about what his boyfriend wanted their endgame to be. Before this drama, he thought he knew Jaehyun inside and out, but boy was he wrong. To wrap it up; He didn’t know him for shit.

When he was brushing his teeth the next morning he realized he had a slight bruise on the highest point of his cheek bone, right where Jaehyun’s palm had hit him. He once again did his best to conceal it with make-up before leaving the dorm without evoking any attention from the others. He wasn’t in the mood of talking with anyone – there had been way too much going through his head the day before anyway. So he locked himself up in the practice room and danced from morning till afternoon, trying to get himself back on track again. It didn’t help that well however, and he was still in a bad mood when he came back to the dorms to eat some dinner before going to the studio.  
  
  
  
  
He was eating his meal in the kitchen and scrolling his phone when Jaehyun came back from his work out.  
“Taeyongie-Hyung!” He called out merrily, and took of his shoes in a hurry so he could greet the older.  
  
“Hey” The older said and smiled against his boyfriend. It was impossible to be in a bad mood when you get greeted by that beautiful dimpled smile and laughing eyes. He was happy to know that Jaehyun apparently didn’t dwell on yesterday’s events as much as him. That meant that they could probably move on forward pretty quickly as soon as Taeyong got a hold of himself.  
  
Jaehyun sat himself next to Taeyong and gave him a small peck on the cheek. It felt nice.  
“Guess what?” The younger said eagerly.  
  
”What?”  
  
”I asked Haechan if he could sleep in your room tonight and he was okay with it” Jaehyun smiled brightly.  
  
Taeyong’s eyes widened.  
“WHAT?”  
  
”Yeah, we can sleep together tonight. Won’t that be nice, baby?” Jaehyun put his arm around Taeyong’s shoulders but the older quickly shudded away from the touch and got to his feet.  
  
“You told Haechan to sleep in my room??”  
  
Jaehyun looked surprised to see his boyfriend giving him the complete opposite reaction he had wanted.  
  
“Huh, yeah? Is there something wrong?”  
  
Taeyong picked up his phone and muttered angrily about needing to text Haechan.  
  
“YES. We won’t be forcing our FRIENDS out of their own room and their own bed just because we’d like to sleep together. Which part is it that you don’t understand of laying low, Jaehyun?”  
  
Jaehyun got up to stand as well.  
“But he was okay with it? I just tried to do something nice for you” He pleaded.  
  
Taeyong had been in a bad mood since the morning, so it didn’t take much for him to get agitated.  
  
“Can’t you use your brains for once? First Ten, then Haechan – we can’t let this fucked up relationship affect others! I’m in charge of this group and in that position I would never accept these kinds of things, and I won’t do an exception for us”  
  
Jaehyun suddenly raised his voice, making Taeyong take a step back.  
  
“Our fucked up relationship? That’s what you call it? That’s how you see me and my efforts to make this work? And what’s the point of a relationship anyway if I’m not allowed to even go near you unless there’s a locked door keeping everyone else out”  
  
“We got no choice! God, you even got a warning from the company and you still want us to piss off the management?”  
  
“I wouldn’t do anything in front of management - but all the other members know, so why must we pretend? You kicked me out from your room yesterday like I was some dirty dog. I would have wanted to hang out with Johnny too, he’s my friend as well. And last week when I wanted to hold your hand while watching that Marvelmovie you pulled it away and gave me –that- judging bitchface look. I don’t know how many times I’ve got that look from you the last couple of weeks. They all know, I just don’t get it why you want us to deny it! As long as the company doesn’t know-..”  
  
“The company knows _everything_ – and if they don’t, they will soon. And with your help they’re gonna know real quickly. You’re too careless” Taeyong hissed.  
  
“And you’re ashamed and a coward” Jaehyun answered.  
  
“Of course I’m ashamed, the thing we do is against the rules in all possible ways! If I wasn’t so crazy about you I would never have even considered something like this!”  
It wasn’t a nice thing to say and it left a foul aftertaste in Taeyong’s mouth.  
  
Jaehyun scoffed and turned around to leave the kitchen. He stopped midway when he heard Doyoung shouting “what’s happening down there?” from somewhere upstairs.  
  
He then turned back to face Taeyong again and pointed an angry finger at him.  
“Yeah you’re right, you’re always right. But you know what? Fuck you!”  
  
Taeyong gasped. It wasn’t typical of Jaehyun to be so angry that he started insulting people.  
  
”You’re swearing at me Jaehyun?”  
  
”Yeah. I’m - … Damn, I’m so done right now” Jaehyun spitted out, grabbed his gym bag and rushed up the stairs.  


Taeyong watched him leave for two seconds before the panic got to him, and he leaped after his boyfriend to demand an apology or an explanation or whatever the boy could offer him. He grabbed him hard in his arm when Jaehyun had reached the final step, stopping him at the top of the stairs.  
  
Jaehyun looked over his shoulder and muttered “I don’t wanna see you right now”.  
  
Taeyong janked at his arm when the younger tried to get out of his grip.  
“Jae! Can we talk about this?”  
  
”No we can’t. Go see Ten instead, I’m sure he wants to talk a lot with you”  
  
Taeyong let lose of Jaehyun’s arm. He suddenly got vicious again. Of course this would happen – of course Jaehyun would drag Ten in this someway.  
  
“Jaehyun, that’s really, really low of you to drag Ten into this”  
  
The younger refused to turn around and face his boyfriend.  
“As low as you and Ten in your bed yesterday?”  
  
And that made Taeyong snap.  
“YOU TOLD ME IT WASN’T A _TRICK_!”  
  
Jaehyun looked at him briefly with a scorning look before adjusting the bag strap on his shoulder and continuing walking towards his and Haechan’s room.  
  
“I did it because you told me to, Jaehyun! For fuck’s sake!” Taeyong shouted. Jaehyun didn’t reply but just opened the door and went in, locking in from the inside. The older couldn’t help but run after him and pulled at the door handle a few times. When it didn’t open he knocked instead. He didn’t want to admit it but his eyes were starting to burn and would probably start producing tears any second now.  
  
“That’s really unfair of you, Jae!” He whined through the locked door when no-one came to open. Apparently Haechan wasn’t home either, or then Jaheyun forbade him to open the door (which their maknae probably wouldn’t care the slightest about). He felt like Jaehyun had pulled a prank on him yesterday, and was now using last night’s stupid game as leverage. It was an ugly game to play regarding that he had been totally in on it the day before. How could he act that childish when Taeyong always felt that he was mentally closer to his own age than many of the other younger boys? He wanted to tell him that he was acting like an immature hypocrite but he held it in, afraid it would anger the boy even more.

He couldn’t understand how stupid Jaehyun had been when thinking a bedswap would go unnoticed. Someone outside their group would find out, eventually. And even regardless of that, it would be rude to force Haechan out of his own room where he had all his personal belongings, especially now since he’d just returned to the dorms from his sickleave. How would this relationship EVER work if Jaehyun continued to be this careless? And don’t take him wrong here – Taeyong really wanted it to work. He pressed his forhead against the door and closed his eyes, trying to come up with a plan how to approach this.  
  


He hardly noticed Doyoung approaching before the younger grabbed him by the shoulder.  
  
“Hey, Hyung. What happened?” The younger boy looked at him with soft eyes, putting aside his seemingly persisting dislike of their relationship.  
  
Taeyong shrugged. He didn’t know why their relationship had become so turbulent. It seemed like they were either fighting or having sex, but never anything in between. A calm vanilla relationship would be so much easier to keep secret from their management than this emotional roller coaster.  
  
When he didn’t answer Doyoung’s question the younger allowed himself to continue.  
  
“I guess it’s none of my business. But it won’t get any better with you stalking outside the door. He’ll come around, right?”  
  
After a short talk with Doyoung in the kitchen about their argument (obviously not mentioning Ten or anything related to intimacy) Taeyong excused himself and went alone to the studio where his producers were waiting. For the second time that day he felt the urge to get away from everyone at the dorm. And for the first time that day he felt gratitude towards the company for letting him work on some own songs as well beside the one’s they were preparing for their Japanese album.

He was a creative guy by spirit anyway, so it was highly therapeutic for him to be able to let go of all the bad (and good) emotions inside him through music. And somehow he managed to convert the negative energy into something positive if needed, making the original feeling feel a little bit more tolerable as a bonus. His self-pity was soon erased by the praises he got from his producers and his fans, sending heart after heart after heart on his Vlives. In the end, all that mattered was who he was as a person and as a performer, and as long as he was loved - utterly unconditionally loved by his fans - he wished he could say that he couldn’t care less about what one of his friends thought about him. At some point of the night he almost tricked himself into believing that he could settle with being single for the rest of his career as long as the love and support he got didn’t change, but the feeling didn’t last long as he heard one of the producers talking about his weekendplans with his girlfriend.

He loved Jaehyun, he really did, and he hoped they could work this quarrel out so that they could continue enjoying each other’s pacifying company. Maybe he would eventually get used to Jaehyun’s recklessness and immaturity, at least until he got older. Maybe he should start letting him in closer while hanging out with the group. It couldn’t get much worse than their make-out session after Jaehyun’s birthday party anyway.  
  
  
  
With his new found spirit and courage he decided to send him a text.  

 _“I’m sorry for making you upset Jae but should  we talk about this? <3”_  
  
Jaehyun answered a good 20 minutes later.

 _“I don’t feel like talking about it atm”_  
  
The cold hand that had been squeezing Taeyong’s guts already from the morning just tightened its hold. He expected Jaehyun to be in a bad mood but he was surprised that he hadn’t calmed down already – after all, they hadn’t been arguing about anything MAJOR-major, at least not from Taeyong’s point of view. But then again, Taeyong did indirectly call him stupid, and proud as he was Jaehyun might not take that insult lightly.  
  
Taeyong typed _“Okay…. How are you?”_  
They were going back to Japan tomorrow so he wasn’t sure if they would have time and place to sit down and discuss things through.

  
Jaehyun replied.    
_“I’m pissed about the fact that you feel ashamed of me in front of my friends. Our friends. I pictured our relationship to be more honest than that”_  
  
The heartwrenching tightness squeezed his chest even harder. He quickly typed:  
_“Is there something I could do? Please.”_  
  
The screen lit up again after a few minutes.  
_“No. I’m not gonna ask you to let me hold you tomorrow at the airport because I know you wont. Just let me be alone for a day or two so I can cool down”_

Okay. He just needed a few days. That didn’t sound all too bad, as long as they were able to perform in Sapporo without sabotaging each other with angry glares. Maybe he could make it up by surprising Jaehyun on stage, like he did when he sang Angel to him. Maybe he could give him a hug at some point of the concert? Or a pat on his bum? That was innocent enough after all – and in that way they got the exposure Jaehyun wanted without it being too obvious and flirty in the eyes of the audience. He promised himself to figure something out. Maybe he could ask Jaehyun to take him with him to the hotel’s private gym?  
  
He felt silly for needing the younger boy’s acceptance this bad.  
  
He sent one more message.  
  
_“You’re very important to me, Jaehyun.”_

But then he didn’t answer. Why, oh why must he play this game?  
  
_“Jaehyun?”_  
  
Just when he was getting panicky Jaehyun answered.  
  
_“I’m glad to hear that”_  
  
Taeyong just stared at the message. That’s all he has to say? Why couldn’t he just speak out his mind for once? Taeyong was getting tired of his shit - Either he was mad at Taeyong for being cold or then he was acting like a whiny egoistic bitch -  how hard could it be to stay put in between? This is never gon-  
  
_“I love you, Taeyong”_  
  
Taeyong blinked and felt all the colour vanishing from his cheeks only to return with maximum intensity. His fingers were shaking when he was about to type anything really, but he was interrupted by another message from his boyfriend.  
  
_“Just let me love you, please?”_  
  
Jaehyun didn’t say it, but Taeyong knew exactly what he was thinking.  
_I don’t wanna waste my youth pursuing something that’s never gonna happen._


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the amount of triggers and ultra-angst. It's sad, alright.

The Sapporo gigs came and went. In a spur of the moment (and mostly because of the sheer happiness of getting to perform in front of thousands of nctzens) Taeyong and Jaehyun decided to piggy back ride each other for the fans amusement. But that was basically it when it came to their interactions that particular weekend. He had somewhat believed that Jaehyun would come to terms with him since he basically confessed his love for him on the phone, but for some reason Taeyong quite couldn’t get a grip on (when did he ever?) Jaehyun didn’t really want to look him in the eye. He seriously seemed pretty hurt. At first, the older was disappointed that Jaehyun couldn’t understand his viewpoint in this – why they shouldn’t be messing around in front of everyone, why it was an extremely sensitive matter for Taeyong as a leader… But eventually he started to feel shit about himself too.  He surely wasn’t the one to blame? He even asked Johnny about it, in case he had been talking to Jaehyun. Johnny, loyal as he was, said neither yay or nay, but he made a point of the fact that Taeyong should sort it out.  
  
“You’re always arguing. There’s something wrong with either one of you and both of you but I don’t have the heart to tell Jaehyun that he did wrong for wanting to be close to you. So I guess it’s up to you, really”  
   
“He told me loves me” Taeyong’s voice cracked when he confessed the secret to his roommate.   
  
“And you didn’t know that already?” Johnny replied with a feigned shock.   
  
Taeyong didn’t know how to answer that properly.  
“Well…. He never said it before and I kinda thought he just… you know, wanted… “  
  
“Wanted what? A shag? He could have gotten ANYONE in bed with him if he so wished. Come on Yongie, he adores you, he’s just so very young and inexperienced and a complete slave to his testosterone levels and his dick. He’s a young man, god damnit! You’re shooting yourself in the foot by thinking too much.”   
  
“I… “ The black haired boy couldn’t figure out what to say. He couldn’t figure out his brain or his heart. All he knew that he wanted to be with Jaehyun but it all seemed so very difficult.   
  
“Fix it” Johnny said before leaving the room.   
Great, everyone was pissed at Taeyong by this point.   
  
  
  
  
Taeyong couldn’t face to talk to Ten since he was still ashamed about what happened a week before. So eventually he called his sister. He almost wanted to start crying when he heard her joyful voice in the phone. For her sake he held it in, and made sure to ask everything about her family and her daily life before even daring to start opening up about his own. Everytime he talked to his sister he missed his childhood home an awful lot – he missed the easier times, he missed not being famous – he missed everything except the loneliness, the bitter, heartless loneliness.   
  
After giving her a recap about their Japanese tour and theur upcoming American tour, she eventually heard through his lies and wanted to know how he REALLY felt. This time it wasn’t hard to milk it out of him since he had actually called for the sole reason of talking.   
  
“Noona, I’ve met someone”   
  
_“WHAT? WHO? I knew it! I knew you had! I could feel it!” She exclaimed._  
  
”…But it’s not going that well”   
  
_”Hold on Yong, wait, okay, okay so this person doesn’t like you? how DARE them?”_  
  
“No, it’s not … We’re together alright. I haven’t been single for a few months now. But it’s going pretty bad at the moment”  
  
_“Wow okay, wow. Does Omma know? Is it another celebrity?”_   
  
”No she doesn’t. Please don’t tell her, for the love of god! Yes it is… another idol.”   
  
_“Why can’t I? Is it a man?”_  
  
“…. You CANNOT tell her. And yes, it is a man”  
  
His sister was always squeling by this point. _“I KNEW IT! I KNEW YOU HAD IT IN YOU!”_   
  
“Jeez, please, keep it down please?”  
  
_“Phew, I NEED to know who this person is. I’m dying to know! He must be someone particularly handsome! Is it that JR dude you hanged out a lot with some months ago? Or Ten? It’s Ten right? Oh my god don’t say it’s him or someone else from your own group”_   
  
“I’d rather not… Noona, that’s not why I called you. I need advice” He kind of started to regret making the call by now. It was enough coming out to his sister, and he didn’t want to drag Jaehyun into it in case it didn’t… didn’t work out.  
  
His sister swallowed her excitement and toned down her voice. “ _Okay. Go on_ ”   
  
So Taeyong started telling. He told her about how he had been in love with this person for years, and how circumstances finally brought them together and he thought it would be as perfect as it was in those romantic movies. Then he told her about how he had begun to suspect that the other wasn’t really interested in much else than the sexual part of a relationship. He blushed when telling her, not really wanting her to imagine her little brother in bed with another man. It was a crucial part of the problem though, so he had to tell her everything. Eventually it slowly turned the other way around, and he told her about how the other started to get more and more careless around other people, and how they almost got busted by a supposed fangirl and a manager. Taeyong had gotten upset when the other didn’t want to follow his advice and stay low, especially since Taeyong was getting more and more paranoid with the new semi-public intimacy. And at some point it just unraveled to a weird mix of sex and argument. He finished his story by telling how Jaehyun (obviously not mentioning names) had confessed his love to him in a spur of anger, and now it was just… cold and weird. And he didn’t really know what to do because he still felt like he was right about judging the other boy’s carefree actions. The younger should obey his elder who ultimately might know better. Ain’t it so alright? He was right, after all?   
  
After finishing his story (which took approximately twenty minutes) he sighed deeply and waited for his sister to reply. She was quiet for a long time, apparently thinking. She was very intelligent, after all - She would know what to do.   
  
_“Dear brother. Aren’t you being quite egoistic now?”_  
  
“Huh?”  
  
_“It sounds like that man loves you, but you’ve only been either doubting his actions or judging him for loving you too openly. It sounds like he’s just a little confused?”_  
  
“Exactly! He’s really confusing!”  
  
_”But shouldn’t you be kinder to him since you know he’s a little bit lost and inexperienced about this whole thing?”_  
  
“But I am kind…”  
  
_“Yes you are, but you know, you’re also a very intimidating and socially lacking person when you lock yourself up in your own personal shell? Did you at least tell him you loved him back when he texted you?”_  
  
“I didn’t, but…”  
  
_“You didn’t?”_   
  
”Well he was upset and I didn’t know what to say-”  
  
“ _Oh my god Taeyong, no wonder you never had girlfriends when you went to school”_   
  
Taeyong felt defeated and zipped his mouth shut. So neither Johnny or his sister took his side in this quarrel? Could it really be that he was the douchebag here after all? He cursed silently for himself and rubbed his eyes with his free palm.   
  
“Noona, what should I do?”  
  
She sighed in a weirdly loving way, just the way disappointed but caring big sisters should do.  
  
“W _ell, first of all, you fucked up. If he ever can forgive you for acting like a selfish bastard you really need to play by his rules. Talk this through. Soon. Because it won’t take long before he notices how the lack of your presence strangely doesn’t feel that bad anymore. You need to make up common rules that you strive to follow, and it won’t work if you can’t agree on these rules. And Yong, you’re an idol – take the consequences like a professional. YOU chose this life after all”_  
  
“So you’re telling me it was my fault all along…”   
  
“ _Take it easy. But you get my point right? You can’t blame anyone else than yourself. I think your boyfriend wants to be together with you just as much as you do. But you fucked up, right? Don’t you see how you’re hurting his feelings?_   
  
“Yes, I get your point…” Taeyong felt his phone buzzing, and saw that it was a notification that they were to be picked up to go to the recording studio in 20 minutes. He was on the brink of crying again and he really didn’t want to break down by the phone. He decided to end the call before he lost it completely.   
  
“Hey, thank you Noona. It really helped to talk. I will have to go now, we have recordings”  
   
He could almost hear his sisters surprised expression through the phone.   
_“Oh, okay, too bad. But can’t you please tell me who it is? I promise I won’t tell anyone”_   
  
He questioned whether he should tell her or not for a moment. Then he remembered how he had promised to tell her about him and Jaehyun.   
  
“Who’s the most handsome in our group?”  
  
_“I figured he was in your group! Okay! Hmm. Yuta? Oh I like Yuta! Or that Nana-guy?”_  
  
”Jaemin? He’s far too young, Noona! I’m not a pervert!” Taeyong exclaimed.   
  
_”So it is Yuta?_ ”  
  
”No”  
  
” _I saw that Ten was in this new chinese unit, and if I remember correctly I have seen their blond haired leader on your music videos before. Kun, was it? He’s reeeally good looking”_  
  
”No it’s… come on, Noona, you know it”   
  
She suddenly laughed. _“I know who you think is the most handsome in your group. You’ve said it before many times”_  
  
“I have?”  
  
“ _Yes! Oh poor brother, what have you gotten yourself into to?  Tell me, who do you think is the most handsome in your group?”_  
  
”Jaehyun is the most handsome in our group” He said, cheeks blushing wildly.   
  
“ _And there you have it_ ” She said with a sadness in her voice that didn’t go unnoticed.   
As soon as the call ended Taeyong let the phone slip out of his hands on the mattress next to his head.   
So I fucked up. I, fuck up. I fucked up again.   
  
  
  


In a haze he somehow ended up in the studio with the rest of the members. Taeil was slaying it with his high notes while Taeyong was sitting like a potato sack at a chair in the monitorroom. After his talk with his sister it had really gotten into him. He was the one to blame. He went through every single day of their relationship and started to pick up more and more details about him being an ignorant dick. Why had he doubted Jaehyun’s love? Why had he been so incredibly proud and continuesly stepped down on Jaehyun’s efforts to be a nice boyfriend to him? He felt disgusted by himself for not realizing it from the beginning. Johnny’s and his sister’s words were ringing in his ears. You gotta fix it, you gotta fix it soon. It was ironical how he had all this time been afraid of the company tearing them apart when it in reality was his own actions that was destroying their feeble, young relationship.   
  
He mumbled something when the producers asked him about his opinions on Mark’s rap. He trusted Mark with this more than he trusted himself so he let his laziness and carelessness slip this time. After Mark was finished it was Jaehyun’s turn, and the moment the brunette opened his mouth to sing Taeyong lifted his head and fixed his eyes on the younger boy. By that moment the younger missed a note, and he was forced to start the verse from the beginning. He glared at the older with such disappointment in his eyes that Taeyong wanted to die right away. After that glare, Jaehyun didn’t look at him once, and he finished his part spectacularly well and left the booth without giving Taeyong as much as a nod. And however hard he tried to be brave he couldn’t fight the sob in his throat, and eventually he broke down into tears. The producers looked perplexed at him, and before they had gotten a chance to ask what was wrong Taeyong rushed out of from the room. On his way out he bumbed into Doyoung, who looked at him with a sad expression without saying anything. He knew exactly what was going on.   
  
Jaehyun was sitting with Johnny watching some funny animalvideos on Johnny’s phone. His smile dropped when he saw Taeyong storming in with tears spiraling down his cheeks.   
  
“Oh for god’s sake..:” Johnny sighed and put his face into his hands.   
  
Jaehyun straightened his back and turned his eyes back to his phone screen.   
  
“Taeyong, I don’t wanna talk about it now”   
  
Of course he didn’t want to talk. Why would he? So Taeyong collapsed at the floor by his feet and hugged the other boy’s knees like the pathetic idiot he was. He felt so ashamed and so fucking useless but he hadn’t had time to come up with a better plan.   
  
“Please, Jaehyun, please, can’t you accept my apology at least?” He’s voice cracked whenever he hulked.   
  
“Jesus Tae, you’re making a fool of yourself. Get off the floor!” He said with the slightest hint of concern in his voice. Taeyong just continued on crying, but eventually gather himself up enough to get up on his feet. Johnny was stillstanding next to them.   
  
“Jae, Tae, could you please go sort this out. Now. For the sake of everyone. You too Jaehyun.” Johnny said with a stern voice.   
  
Jaehyun groaned. “As soon as he stops his crying”. It sounded demeaning, but Taeyong earned it after all a hundred times over. He bit his lip hard to stop the sobbing and with a great willpower he managed to calm his rapid heartbeat down from reaching panick attack limits.   
  
Two minutes later (Jaehyun and Johnny still staring at him) he felt he was calm enough to speak.   
“I’m… I’m done crying now.”   
  
Johnny answered. “Good. Now I want you two to go to the kitchen and talk this through. Do not return before you’re in terms with each other. I don’t care what you decide on but please stop this nonsense. This is getting extremely straining on the group you know”   
  
Both of them nodded before walking slowly away to the small kitchen hidden in the back of the studio.   
  
  
  
  
  
Jaehyun sat himself down on the chair in front of Taeyong. He looked at him straight in the eye with such intensity that Taeyong was struggling with keeping the eyecontact.   
  
“Speak. And don’t cry, please” Jaehyun said somberly.   
  
“I.. I spoke to my sister. I told her about us”  
  
Jaehyun didn’t move a muscle in his pretty face.   
“And? I  don’t think I care anymore since you obviously don’t want an “us”’.   
  
“I do! I really do! It’s just that… She made me realize that I fucked up. I fucked up big time”   
  
Jaehyun clapped his hands sarcastically a few times.   
“Well, congratulations Hyung on your revelation”. He took a pause before continuing.   
  
“You know, I’ve also realized something these last few days”   
  
Taeyong looked up at him with red rimmed eyes.   
“I’ve been talking with Johnny. A lot. And I realized that during these past few days without your nagging and worry I’ve been feeling somewhat lighter than before. I feel the way I used to feel before all this started. I can’t deny I’ve had some of the best moments in my life together with you these past months, but all in all, I felt more stable and more at peace when we were plainly just friends. And I know you’ve felt the same. Johnny told me that you’ve said that you also missed “the easier days”’  
  
The tears started to burn in Taeyong’s eyes but he pinched his arm hard to stop himself from breaking down in front of Jaehyun again.    
  
“Jae….”  
  
He continued. “And that thing with Ten? I tried to convince myself that it wasn’t a trick, but if I’m brutally honest with you, I think it was somewhat of a trick at least unconsciously. I’m really bashing myself for putting Ten into that awful situation, but in the end it was you and him in your room, on your bed, doing what you were told. And I refuse to blame myself for that”   
  
“I’m so sorry, it was so stupid, I wish I would have felt the regret before I kissed him and not after”   
Jaehyun watched him for a while. The hardness in his expression had softened some time ago, but his eyes were filled with a hopeless sadness that made Taeyong’s heart split into half.   
  
“I’ve been so stupid….” He said and hit his knuckles into the table.   
Jaehyun shushed him.   
  
“Taeyong, I meant it when I said I love you. I do. I’ve loved you for many, many years. I can’t really see any difference in the love I felt for you as a friend and the love I feel for you as a partner. It’s pure and unconditional love, you know”  
  
Jaehyun’s voice had finally started to get wobbly too. Taeyong wished the younger wouldn’t start to cry as well, because in that case he would lose it completely and probably throw himself out of the window from self hatred.   
  
The younger continued. “I’m sorry If I made you feel uncomfortable with too much skinship or whatever you want to call it. I just couldn’t keep my hands off you because you are so beautiful. But however beautiful you are, you’be also been very selfish”  
  
Taeyong choked down a sob and lowered his eyes to his own hands. “I know it now…”   
  
“And I cannot deal with that at the moment. You’re bringing my mood and my confidence down and those are the things I need the most during this world tour”   
  
Taeyong knew what was about to come. He deserved it and decided to treasure it like a brutal kick to his guts. He just hadn’t expected it to happen this soon. There must really have been something seriously wrong with their relationship all the way from the start.  
  
“We got to be friends again, Taeyong. We need to make it work like that. It worked perfectly fine for many years. Please, let me love you as a friend. But my heart cannot take the rest of your shit anymore” Jaehyun spitted out with so much agony he could have been having a dagger poking out of his chest right now.  
  
 The tears finally started to run down Taeyong’s cheeks but he was too numb to sob anymore. He gathered some strength before nodding, confirming that he understood what Jaehyun had just said.   
  
“Maybe… Maybe we could try again after our contracts end but… Taeyong you’re getting this right?”  
  
The older nodded again.   
  
“Could you answer me?” Jaehyun’s voice was shaking pretty badly now.   
  
“Yes. I do get it. And I love you too”. Such an unfair thing to say in this particular moment. Such a selfish thing to say. But that was all Taeyong managed to say right now. He was too weak.   
  
Jaehyun finally broke down into a silent cry. He hid his face into his palms.   
“Do you… understand?” He sobbed through his hands.   
  
Taeyong gathered himself a bit and dried his own tears with his shirt before answering.   
  
“Yes I do understand Jaehyun. I respect your wish. It’s probably for the best. Let’s… Let’s be friends, okay?”  
Jaehyun looked up with his red eyes and nodded before offering his hand.   
  
Taeyong stared at it for a moment before understanding that Jaehyun wanted to shake hands on it. He grabbed the other boy’s hand at squeezed it gently.   
  
“I’m so sorry Jaehyun” he whispered.   
  
“I’ll forgive you eventually” Jaehyun said solemnly.   
  
  
  
And so, Taeyong was alone again.   
  



	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This might be the end, at least for a while. Maybe? Gotta get some jaeyong inspiration from the upcoming tour...  
> And again; thank you SO much for reading this angstfest and I'm sorry if I upset or broke someone's heart. Now, let's just wish the boys a wonderful tour in US and Canada, see you there! <3

The time before their first world tour was a media fest for sure. Their managers urged them to do Vlives, post selfies, do youtube and insta-lives all while practicing and promoting their tour and recording a Japanese album in between. Luckily their busy schedule really helped Taeyong to keep his focus fixed on promoting his group instead of dwelling on his and Jaehyun’s now friendly but weirdly… cold relationship. The rest of the group felt it too, unfortunately. Johnny had been pleased with them sorting out their differences (well, they hadn’t sorted out ANYTHING, just broken up since their relationship was a maelstrom) but after a week he too concluded that the new atmosphere was kind of strange. Messing up… no, ruining the beautiful friendship they used to have was exactly what Taeyong had dreaded in a case like this. Of course they talked and hang out like group members do, but every word he said to Jaehyun came with some discretion. And ironically enough, he actually felt like this awkwardness was even more attention grabbing than their usual touchy behavior. He didn’t want anyone to think that they’re fighting, because they really weren’t – but their behavior sure seemed like it.  
  
They hadn’t really told anyone except Johnny directly about their decision to end it. Their short-lasting relationship was awkward enough as it was, so they tried to let it fade out kind of unnoticed. The always attentive Doyoung obviously noted how it was more quiet in the dorm and that both of their moods were more… mellow. It was enough for him to look Taeyong once in the eye to know exactly what had happened. And even though he never liked their relationship, he didn’t comment it in anyway, and didn’t show any kind of relief over this new change of events. Taeyong was happy that the younger chose to dig down his sarcastic war axe regarding this particularly sensitive matter.  
  
Poor Jungwoo asked him one day if he and Jaehyun were fighting.  
  
“No we’re not” Taeyong said and ruffled the younger’s hair.  
  
“I thought you were happy together” he said with sadness.  
  
Taeyong sighed and smiled back at him sadly.  
  
“I’m happy here with every single one of you”  
  
The younger was obviously not satisfied with the answer and looked Taeyong in the eyes for a long time, until the older had to break eye contact.  
  
  
In the middle of their cold-warlike state Yuta’s tour-prepping video was released. When Taeyong opened his Instagram he was shocked to see his tag completely filled with pictures of someone’s naked chest and abs. He recognized Jaehyun’s well-built body in an instance, but it took him way too many seconds to realize the other guy in the picture was he himself. It wasn’t like he was uncomfortable in his body, but he really really REALLY didn’t enjoy showing of his naked skin like this publicly for everyone to see – especially not next to Jaehyun, who looked like a freaking Greek god. A normal day Taeyong would have been pretty proud over his lean muscles covering his chest but portrayed next to Jaehyun - … he just knew he would get comments for it. It didn’t matter if they were bad or good – he didn’t want ANY comments at all. He had just recently started to like himself, he thought when he peeked under his shirt to take a look on his flat, pretty stomach. “I like myself. Jaehyun likes… liked… likes? my body”, he thought to himself.  
  
He pushed the thought away. He couldn’t deal with anything regarding what Jaehyun may or may not like. Whether he wanted it or not he couldn’t however drag his eyes off the picture with Jaehyun's naked skin next to his own on public display. And Jaehyun too, damn, why did he have to look that good? He stared obsessively at the line of hair traveling down from his navel to those private parts that were supposed to be only for Taeyong’s eyes and imagination. He couldn’t deny he still wanted him badly. Every. Fucking. Day.  
  


”Oh god, WHO allowed them to publish that?” Taeyong groaned when he walked out of his room to meet Johnny and Yuta.  
  
Yuta raised his arms into the air. “I SERIOUSLY didn’t know they wouldn’t edit it out!!!!”  
  
Taeyong patted him on the shoulder – he would never blame Yuta for something like this, that would be absurd. Jungwoo came rushing in aswell, “woooooow”:ing all over the place with awe.  
  
“Jesus…” Taeyong muttered and wanted to hide somewhere in a corner until this thing wasn’t that interesting anymore.  
  


The hype didn’t die for a few days, and almost half of their members commented it in some way or another on their Vlives. Taeyong tried his best to stay out of the mess but even he had to confront the scandalous clip twice. As he had suspected, people commented on his body and his abs (he didn’t have any) or about the fact that he probably would have abs if he just stopped eating so many sweets (he didn’t have a percent of fat on his body anyway). The only word to be seen was abs abs abs, and it was driving him mad. He let it slip when he called Jaehyun’s abs pretty on the vlive (at least he didn’t say “so sexy I’d eat my lunch from it”) but it was only to make a point of the fact that HE wasn’t the ab-man here and didn’t want any damn comments about it anymore. He was starting to get anxious by the attention it got, so he eventually texted Jaehyun and asked him not to comment the clip in anyway. He didn’t want it to get any more attention that it already had. Jaehyun luckily agreed; it was cocky enough of him to post work-out videos on youtube, so maybe he could survive without bragging about his rock hard stomach for the whole world to see.

Ten called him some days later. Taeyong had avoided his calls a few times but he felt obligated to answer now, not wanting to ruin another friendship.  
  
“Hey”  
  
_“Wow your man Jaehynnie, dude, he’s ripped!”_  
  
“Can we PLEASE not talk about that?”  
  
_“Sorry Yong” T_ en said with a laughter.  
  
“Mhm. What’s up?”  
  
_“I wanted to talked to you. Haven’t heard from you in a while”_  
  
“Yeah… I’ve been busy”  
  
_“Johnny told me you broke up”_  
  
Taeyong didn’t answer for a while. Of course Ten knew – he just hadn’t prepared to answer any questions about it that Ten might ask.  
  
_“Please, Yongie, tell me it wasn’t because of me?”_  
  
_“_ I don’t know. Ask him”  
  
_”I’m completely sure it was at least partly because of me”_ Ten said somberly.  
  
“He initiated it”. Because that was the truth. Jaehyun could say anything but HE was the one to initiate this gigantic fuck up.  
  
_“He did. But I’ve been thinking, and I really regret agreeing on that proposal. It was incredibly stupid. I actually regret being in your room at all knowing that Jaehyun would come visit. I know I said I liked it, but it was in the heat of the moment, and now afterwards, I gotta say, I would never, EVER talk about it with you EVER again. I’m sorry, really”_  
  
“It wasn’t your fault. It was mine. And his. Please, don't... don't be sorry”  
  
_”Mhm”_  
  
_“Have he apologized to you?”_  
  
_“Yes. Two different times. He sounded sincere enough. Seriously, I don’t even know who’s fault this is anymore. I feel horrible that you had to end it beca-”_  
  
Taeyong interrupted him.  
  
”But we didn’t break up just because of that. There were other cannons sinking the ship. I think he was most pissed off by the fact that I didn’t want our boyfriend act to come out that strong in front of the other members. And I guess he thought I was being unfair”  
  
_“Why?”  
_  
“Well he wants to tell everyone ab-“ He was interrupted.  
  
_“No, Why didn’t you let him do that? Haven’t you told the rest of the members_ ” Ten sounded genuinely distressed.

Taeyong thought for a while. “Uhm of course we’ve told them,” he swallowed. “but, uhm, keeping up appearances, I guess. It could be seen by someone outside the group”  
  
_“Like this group haven’t acted gay enough in front of cameras since the rookie days_ ” Ten muttered.  
  
 Taeyong was about to say something but Ten opened his mouth quicker.  
  
_“Yongie, do you love him? If I was in your position I wouldn’t even care about what other thought about it as long as I could be with the person I loved. I understand that you treasure the leadership of your group but if you REALLY loved him you would put him first”_ Ten pointed out.  
  
Taeyong huffed. “That’s not fair. Of course I love him. But I also love this job. And like this we can still see and talk each other every day without having to worry about someone getting kicked out.”  
  
_“Oh but do you really? Talk to each other_?” Ten snapped.  
  
“Eventually, we will”  
  
Taeyong thought about his next statement. He’d been thinking a lot about Jaehyun’s point of view in this as well. He still felt that Jaehyun was seeing their relationship extremely black and white – he had all the right in the world to be angry and disappointed but hadn’t he too overreacted a lot to Taeyong’s actions? Couldn’t he at least respect the fact that he was just trying to think about what is best for their group?  
  
“I wasn't sure if he loves me”  
  
_“Huh? But he told you, right?”_  
  
“Yes. On a text-message. And the moment we were breaking up. He too should have tried a little harder if he really loved me, right?”  
  
_“Mhm, I feel it was a lil bit rushed, his decision to break up. He really seem to like you, though”_  
  
“He never wanted to have a relationship with me you know, because he was afraid we wouldn’t be able to have the relationship _he_ wanted, which of course is right. In the end, he just wanted me. Not a compromised relationship .”  
  
“ _Can’t you just be fuck buddies then? I mean, you were pretty content with-”_ Ten started to say.  
  
Taeyong groaned internally. He didn’t want to have this discussion anymore. He didn’t want Ten to compare his and Tens relationship with the one he have… had… with Jaehyun, because it’s a completely different story.  
  
“Ten, please” he said sourly.  
  
“ _Sorry”_  
  
”Well, done what’s done. No use crying over it anymore. We’re busy as fuck anyway…” Taeyong said and pulled at his hair unconsciously.  
  
Ten was quiet for a few seconds before speaking. _“You want me to talk with him?”_  
  
“Urgh, thank you dear friend, but, no… no.” If there was anything, he didn’t want Ten to get dragged in this mess any more than he already had been. He couldn’t imagine bearing any more guilt than he already did.  
  
“ _Can I talk about it with Johnny then? Do I get your approval?”_  
  
Taeyong sighed. “Sure, whatever” He checked his watch – he still had time to talk. “Please say that you haven’t told him anything about our… thing with Jae”  
  
_“Christ, no! I would never”_ Ten said and sounded somewhat offended.  
  
“Okay, sorry, sorry”  
  
What’s up with Ten and Johnny’s bromance? It’s not like they get to see each other due to their busy schedules but could it be completely platonic the way they always, ALWAYS, talk about each other?  He suddenly felt bad for Ten. What if he might have this crush on Johnny even though he denied it last time they spoke about it? It must be awful enough being separated into different countries, and now this meltdown with Jaehyun in Taeyong’s and Johnny’s room… How could his conscience handle that even without Johnny knowing? And what if he DID figure it out somehow? That would ruin the delicate thing happening between Ten and Johnny completely. Johnny knew about his and Ten’s weird-ass affair a year ago – no-one had obviously told him, but he read them well enough between the lines. There was no way Johnny would even get near Ten if he knew that he and Taeyong had recently been making out in his room while he was away minding his own business. Gosh, this dramatic shit was building up to be too much to handle.  
  
_“Johnny might be able to talk to Jae”_ Ten said softly.  
  
Yes, he could listen what Jae has to say and then snitch on him to Ten who would tell Taeyong who just accidentally might hear what his friend is telling him. Ugh. But if Johnny asked the wrong questions Jaehyun would trace it back to Taeyong in an instance. They were roommates, after all.  
  
They ended the call ten minutes later. Taeyong had to start making himself ready for some recordings. The conversation had really drained him of energy, so he smashed a cap on since he wasn’t bothered to even brush his hair. He hadn’t been able to smoke for a while either since a make-up artist recognized the smell resulting in Taeyong getting a warning. He could really have used the nicotine to ease his nerves right now.

   
  


Even though their Japanese tour had ended their schedules didn’t get the least bit easier. Suddenly their comeback was announced, and while practicing for the upcoming US tour they also had to record more songs, film a MV and attend photo shoots to prepare for the release of the album while being away on tour. Taeyong lost some weight again which Jaehyun also commented on (to Taeyong’s delight, depressingly enough). Since Jaehyun and Taeyong had behaved well in the management’s eyes they got offered to do a Vlive together, maybe with some other member to keep it from being too much of a fanservice. The ex-couple talked about it over chat and decided not to accept the offer – it would be way to awkward; their hawk eyed fans would notice their coldness immediately, and especially Taeyong felt like he wouldn’t be able deal with the comments that might pop up regarding him and Jaehyun.  
  
Anyway, that discussion was the only private chat they’d had with each other for weeks. No-one had the balls to continue the discussion after the “ok let’s tell them we won’t do the vlive” was agreed upon. It sucked. This was anything but what they used to have – it had been utterly naïve to think that they would be able to return to their easy going friendship after this kind of ordeal. Taeyong wondered if Jaehyun regretted his decision at all, because Taeyong regretted it an awful lot. There was absolutely nothing good with their current situation – even the management that they used to be so very afraid of, was getting concerned with their sudden, mutual coldness.

He had called his sister pretty quickly after their break up to tell her that they’ve ended it – she saw it coming, after all, just by listening to what Taeyong had had to say during one phone call.  
_“I told you to fix it”_ She said.  
“I didn’t get the time to try”

 

It was the day before leaving to America. Taeyong’s alarmclock rang and he groaned hard when he remembered that they were supposed to shoot some pictures for their upcoming comeback teaser. He had had a terrible, terrible dream, in were everyone of his group were getting tired of his moping and eventually decided to convince the company to take him off the team for ruining the mood. “You sucked all the joy out of us” The dream version of Doyoung said, and even Taeil shook his head when Taeyong begged the older to show some faith. “You fucked up once and we forgave you” an older, meaner version of Mark said while pointing a finger at him kneeling before Taeil, “But now it’s our time to shine and we won’t have you pulling us down anymore”. Dream Johnny came up to him and looked down at his pathetic ass on the floor and said “That’s how far you come with a pretty face”.  
  
Being called talentless is one of Taeyong’s occurring nightmares. This dream took it a step further though. The worst part of it was that dream Jaehyun (having his natural, dark brown hair just the way he had it when Taeyong first laid his eyes upon him) didn’t recognize him at all. Taeyong was like air, like dust, like a pathetic piece of plastic wrapping lying around on the street to be trampled upon. But Jaehyun wouldn’t even step on him – apparently he wasn’t even worthy of that. In his dream Taeyong ran and ran and ran after Jaehyun, never really reaching him even though it felt like his fingertips were just an inch from Jaehyun’s broad back. He screamed, but the other didn’t turn around. He didn’t care for the slightest bit.  
  
When the alarmclock woke him up, he noticed that his sheets were soaked with sweat. With a ragged breathing, he quickly looked at Johnny who was still sound asleep. He was still in their shared room. He was still a part of this group. He was still the leader of NCT 127. And he wasn’t talentless, he told himself. It was just that no-one knew how fucking hard he had worked for this position. No-one. Not even Jaehyun.

He knew it was just a dream, but he still felt even more depressed than he had for the last few days. He had faked a smile here and there when needed, laughed and joked even to make it all seem normal, but as soon as the cameras were off he let the heavy dark cloud crash down upon him after holding it away for so long. The invisible heaviness were sitting on his chest now, crushing him slowly against his mattress. He tried halfheartedly to get up but there were no use – his limbs felt powerless. He just couldn’t deal with photos today nor with a single faked smile. Not today. He closed his eyes again to try to fall asleep. He couldn’t have that bad luck as to dream the same dream once again.  
  
It felt like he had only slept for three seconds when Johnny shook his shoulder hard.  
  
“Hey, Yong! We’re supposed to leave in 10 minutes? It’s already 11 o’clock”  
  
He didn’t feel any better, and just the though of getting a huge ass camera showed up his face disgusted him. So the younger just turned around to face the wall instead.  
  
“Yong?” Johnny asked and shook him one more time.  
  
“Let me be, just for today” Taeyong whispered.  
  
“Huh? Are you alright? Are you sick?” Johnny said worriedly.  
  
“I don’t know” he other mumbled before pulling the sheet over his head. He heard Johnny step away from the bed.  
  
“Hey, it’s just a photo, maybe you could deal with that even if you’re having a fever? Should I bring you some paracetamol?”  
  
“No”  
  
Johnny pulled the sheet down and forced his palm upon Taeyong’s forehead. The other groaned and tried to show the hand away.  
  
“You’re not warm at least, that’s good” Johnny said kindly. He was too sweet, Taeyong thought. He didn’t deserve Taeyong’s bad mood.  
  
He sighed and pulled the sheets up to his nose. “I’m just feeling really shitty and miserable today. I’ll talk to the managers, maybe we could shoot tomorrow”  
  
“No, we can’t, you know we can’t.” Johnny said sadly. He was obviously right though. Their schedule was way too tightly packed since they were just about to start their American tour.  
  
Johnny suddenly walked away to head for the door out. Taeyong couldn’t help but lift his head a little to see if he actually was going. Noticing Taeyong’s peeking, Johnny said “Whether you like it or not, I’m gonna ask Jaehyun to come to talk to you. He just came back from the stylist. His new hair is real cute, you might like it”.  
  
Taeyong was going to protest but Johnny had already left the room. He was sure this was Ten’s idea. But what good would it bring him to force Jaehyun here? He hit his fist against his pillow and curled up into a ball, hoping Jaehyun wouldn’t notice him and just leave.  
  
He eventually came though, with a gentle knock on the door.  
  
“Hyung?”  
  
Taeyong lay as still as he could under his sheets, hoping his silence would be enough for Jaehyun to understand that he didn’t want to talk. He hadn’t prepared for talking at all. Can’t they do it later when he at least had had the energy to shower and put some decent clothes on?  
  
“Baby?”  
  
The endearment hit Taeyong’s heart like a sledgehammer. He wanted to ask Jaehyun if it was really that necessary to rub the salt into his already deeply bleeding wounds. He sniffed and immediately cursed under his breath for doing so, because Jaehyun closed the door and walked up to sit on the edge of the bed. He felt a warm hand on top of the sheets covering his back.  
  
“Johnny told me you’re not doing well”  
  
_Well, no. And why are you not doing so much better than me?_  
  
”Ehm, I know we haven’t spoken too much lately, but we’re friends alright? You can talk to me”  
  
Taeyong swallowed down a sob.  
  
“I guess this has to do with me so…”  
  
_No shit Sherlock, you broke up with me two weeks ago_ , he thought and felt his lower lip starting to tremble. He quickly bit down on it until he felt the taste of blood. Jaehyun stroke him slowly over his covered back. Taeyong was happy the sheet was there between them because he wasn’t sure he could handle Jaehyun’s touch.  
  
“We’ll be going to America real soon, we need to have you on board, alright? And we need to be able to talk, don’t we?”  
  
“Mmm” Taeyong hummed as a response – he agreed to that fact more than anything.  
  
“Yeah?” Jaehyun said hopefully.  
  
“Yes” He older finally muttered.  
  
“I know I was mad at you, but I thought about it long and hard after speaking with Johnny, and I get that I should have respected you a little bit more. I was greedy, I know”  
  
Taeyong silently thanked Ten for that - he must have put the words into Johnny’s mouth, more or less literally speaking.  
  
The younger continued even though he had barely got any responses. “I need to say something, could you look at me?”  
  
Jaehyun was always the one to initiate eye contact, sometimes to the extent that Taeyong had to lower his own gaze from the power and dominance Jaehyun’s eyes emitted. Knowing how important eye contact was to Jaehyun, he found it odd that he had chose to say those three words via text all those weeks ago. That’s why it hadn’t felt really sincere.  
  
“Hyung?”  
  
“Yeah yeah I’ll look at you” Taeyong sighed and threw off the covers to fix his eyes on his former boyfriend. Jaehyunnie smiled a little by the adorable reaction of the older. He had dyed his hair the promotions, and it was now a light strawberry blonde, bouncing sweetly after pulling his hand through it.  
  
“I’m sorry Taeyong for making you sad. I was acting childish”  
  
The words went in one way and came out the other since Taeyong was too fixed on the image of Jung Jaehyun in front of him. He looked so soft, so cuddly, so sweet, so utterly, adorably, sickeningly sweet that Taeyong wanted to vomit and inject himself with insulin before wrapping the younger in his arms and never ever let go.  
  
“You’re hair is pink” He mumbled.  
  
“Huh? Yeah, we dyed it this morning. Anyway-“ he said.  
  
“You look like me”  
  
“What?”  
  
Taeyong blinked a few times before repeating himself. “They made you look like me when I had pink hair?” His stupid, stupid mind started wandering to their dance-practice the day before, how the choreographer placed Jaehyun in center of the squad a numerous times. Taeyong had been very pleased with that, since he didn’t like how they used to forcefully put him into the front of the group just because he was the leader. But now an utterly lunatic idea formed inside his head. _Everyone’s replaceable…_  that horrible, horrible comment...They’re not trying to replace HIM, just like in his dream??  
  
“Ah, it’s not the exactly same color, it’s more reddish. You like it?”  
  
Jaehyun smiled gently and it was enough to erase the idiotic though out of Taeyong’s mind. It was just a bad dream, nothing else.  
  
“Yeah, it’s.. it’s pretty. You’re pretty” He said solemnly without looking Jaehyun into the eyes.  
  
“Not as pretty as you when you wake up with your hair all messy like that” Jaehyun mused.  
  
Why was he being that cute suddenly? Didn’t he see how he was stabbing Taeyong’s already devastated heart? He laid his head down on the pillow and pulled the sheets up once again.  
  
“Jaehyun, don’t do that. It makes me feel even sadder”  
  
“Sorry.”  
  
They stayed quiet for a while. Taeyong didn’t really feel better, or at least he didn’t want Jaehyun to think that he did. He was still sad, still devastated, still full on self-hatred and mistrust.  
Jaehyun finally spoke up again.  
  
“I’m also sorry it ended like this. You know I had my doubts from the beginning.But I promise, I really enjoyed being… closer to you”  
  
The sentence managed to trigger Taeyong.  
“Did you really? You know I doubted your intentions and your feelings for me from the start!”  
It came out a lot more aggressive than Taeyong had predicted. He didn’t like the way how Jaehyun’s hand twitched slightly against his back.  
  
Jaehyun held a pause for a while before answering. “Let’s… let’s don’t bicker now. I told you i’m sorry. And I promise you that my feelings were real”  
  
“Were” Taeyong muttered. “Nice to know that at least you’re past that point"  
  
Jaehyun was quick to reply. “Are. Are, Hyung. I meant” He rubbed his forehead. “I meant are… I’m being honest here Hyung”  
  
Taeyong popped himself up on his elbows to face the now ironically pink haired boy better.  
  
“What are you gaining from telling me this? A clean conscience? It doesn’t make me feel better for shit. It won’t help me to start acting normal around you. I’m still sad”  
  
Jaehyun was taken aback from the sudden outburst and straightened his back a little. Taeyong’s eyes were dark with a sickening mix of self-harming guilt and animadversion against the other’s actions – there was really nothing he could take solace of in this moment. Seeing Jaehyun’s handsome face didn’t really change it either.  
  
“I hope we could get back to normal eventually… I forgave you already, you know” Jaehyun tried.  
  
The older finally felt the burning of tears in his eyes and he couldn’t help it one bit when the first drop rolled down over his scar down his right cheek.  
  
“This ain’t normal….” He said and covered his face with the palms of his hands in a seated up position. Jaehyun’s heart ached to watch the older cry shamelessly in pajamas in his own bed, so he quickly moved closer and scooped the smaller up into his warm embrace. It had been a few weeks since he last felt Taeyong’s bony back and sharp angles beneath his arms. It made him worry for some reason. Jaehyun’s hug felt warm, and the older leaned his forehead against his chest to sob quietly. The younger wrapped a hand around the nape of his neck, feeling the heavily dyed strands of hair tickling his wrist.  
  
“Shh” He said quietly, and squeezed the older closer when he started shaking.  
  
“I wanted it to work, I really did” Taeyong said between his sobs in a muffled voice.  
  
“Oh baby….” The other shushed and massaged soothing circles over his back. They sat like that for a while, Taeyong quietly sobbing against Jaehyun’s chest, making his t-shirt damp with his tears. The other’s presence used to sooth him more than anything, and little by little he let himself relax and submit into Jaehyun’s protection.  
  
He heard Johnny opening the door slightly to check upon their situation. Jaehyun glanced at him and nodded, signaling Johnny to leave. Taeyong didn’t even care looking. The younger re positioned himself to have his chin on top of Taeyong’s crown of hair. For the first time in two weeks Taeyong felt somewhat comfortable again – he might be crying, but he might be heartbroken, but at least he felt like he was in the right place.

Soon enough his sobs stopped coming and evolved into a series of sniffs instead.  
  
“Why today, did something happen?” Jaehyun continued stroking his back.  
  
Taeyong sighed against his chest. “Just tired of faking it”  
  
“Faking it?”  
  
“Faking being fine”  
  
“Mhm” Jaehyun squeezed his shoulder tighter. “It really breaks my heart to hear that, Hyung”  
  
Somewhere downstairs they heard Yuta shouting “ARE YOU GUYS COMING OR WHAT? WE’LL BE LEAVING”  
  
Jaehyun had the decency to ignore it when he felt Taeyong growing tenser. The older really didn’t want to go. Not today. He needed time to gather the pieces of himself, but ironically enough even Jaehyun’s understanding presence couldn’t help. He was shattered, and the only thing he wanted was Jaehyun to be his, completely, fully, and …  
  
“Hold me a little longer” He whispered to the younger boy, who instantly put both arms around him and squeezed him so close to him that Taeyong could hear his heart beating through his sweatshirt. Jaehyun moved his head so that his cheek rested against Taeyong’s, and he whispered sweet, soothing nothings, encouraging words, praises, promises of a better day. The older suddenly noticed how hard he was clutching onto the other’s clothing – his knuckles were probably white by now.  He relaxed his hands and moved one up to Jaehyun’s hair to run through the now strawberry colored soft tresses. It was still the best feeling in the world.  
  
“Hyung, yesterday at the recording studio… When we recorded _End to Start,_ you remember?”  
  
Taeyong hummed in response and opened his eyes.  
  
“I was reviewing the lyrics while you were recording your rap with Mark and … I don’t know, there was some repressed anger in your voice that got me to stop practicing and watch you for a bit. You might have felt like shit yesterday too but … it didn’t show. You’re born to be a performer and I know that it’s sometime's our job to fake it ‘til we make it, but Hyung, don’t be afraid of showing your emotions. You don’t need to swallow them. You don’t need to fake it, at least not in front of the rest of the group. Just like I wished we wouldn’t have needed to fake it in front of them. You get it?”  
  
“Yes”  
  
“Good. Well anyways, I was reviewing the chorus in my head while watching you, and it’s just… _Gotta end it tonight to start again_ , you know _? Ready for a new flight_ … and so on, so on. God, this is cheesy, but my point is, I realized that we might not ever go back to the way it was. But that all this shit will sure open up something new for us. We just gotta be patient, Hyung”  
  
The words echoed in Taeyong’s head like a bouncy ball hitting wall to wall.  
  
“To start again” He said quietly.  
  
Jaehyun undestood exactly what he meant and pulled him even closer, before slightly angling his face to place a light kiss on Taeyong’s sharp cheekbones. Barely audible, he whispered “You never know” while his lips continued to brush over his cheek.  
  
“Why are you killing me like this” Taeyong asked  with a mix of a sad whine and the softest of moans caused by the sensation of plump limps hovering just millimeters above his sensitive skin. Jaehyun pulled away enough to be able to look the older in his puffy, red eyes. He cupped his cheeks and lifted his chin up slightly. Then they just looked at each.  
  
“Because you’ll always continue to take my breath away” Jaehyun said with a kind smile showing one of his dimples.  
  
It felt good hearing the loving praise from Jaehyun, and for a moment, it felt like nothing bad had ever happened between them. The love he stored in his heart for the younger man embracing him was completely absolute, not measurable neither affected by years. If he just pretended a little, he could feel the other loving him too, at least in some, silly way. Right now, Taeyong wanted nothing else to kiss those lips just inches in front of him. Maybe if he closed his eyes those lips would appear on his just like they used to a few weeks ago? I mean, what would change?  
  
Since Jaehyun knew how to read him like a book (in ways way better than what Taeyong could ever understand Jaehyun) he smiled coyly and kissed him on the cheek again, before releasing his hands from cupping the older’s cheeks.  
  
“I knew this would happen” He said and laughed awkwardly, looking down at Taeyong’s shoulders.  
  
“Why are you laughing? I’m still heart broken, you know” Taeyong said sadly and burrowed his head next to Jaehyun’s neck. He was just imagining things. Jaehyun was just feeling sorry for him, nothing else.  
  
“I suddenly realized how much I will miss holding you like this” Jaehyun said and pulled him tighter to his chest.  
  
Fuck, that sounds so awfully final, Taeyong thought, and his eyes started to wet again.  
  
“You don’t have to stop” He whimpered almost inaudibly.  
  
“I guess I don’t”  
  
They sat silent for a while again before Jaehyun shifted and pulled apart, grabbing both of Taeyong’s shoulders to take a better look at his face. Taeyong knew he looked horrible – eyes red of crying, cheeks puffy from sleep, unwashed teeth and a messed up mop of bedhair, but then again, he wished Jaehyun would like him like this as much as he liked him with his make-up on. In another reality they might have ended up living a domestic life together. Then these little things would have mattered.  
  
“I know I am a hypocrite and you may judge me for this as much as you want, but Taeyongie-hyung, looking into your eyes is like some occult curse shit. I drown every time and eventually I won’t have the energy to swim up to the surface of … of reality, the reality of our situation” Jaehyun’s eyes were sparkling, and he looked weirdly happy for saying words like these. “But I’m too weak….” He says, before leaning in and joining their lips together. The kiss is sealed lipped but hard and long, before the younger pulls away to breathe. “I’m a fucking idiot”. He leans in again and this time Taeyong responds and wets his lips to let Jaehyun in closer.  
  
Taeyong doesn’t care about his morning breath anymore. He only cares about the sensation of Jaehyun’s full, red lips enclosing his own thin ones, this miserable morning in his room and his way too narrow bed. Jaehyun grips the back of Taeyong’s head and wheezes through his nose from how passionately he’s trying to connect with his boyfriend from two weeks back. If Taeyong could just stop time, he would. He wouldn’t care if he couldn’t ever turn it on again.  
  
Eventually Taeyong pulls away, too overwhelmed by Jaehyun’s actions. He senses the slightest worry building up inside Jaehyun, who continues palying with his black hair in the back of his neck.  
  
“Yongie… I’m sorry I forgot about reality” Jaehyun says, when Taeyong’s expression is giving him nothing.  
  
“Fuck reality” Taeyong answers and hugs Jaehyun tightly against his smaller chest.

 

A while later Johnny comes and knocks on the door again. He finds his two friends still wrapped up in each other’s arms, just breathing in each other’s air.  
  
Johnny sighs, and feels a sting in his heart.  
“Hey, guys. We’re an hour late to the shooting. The rest of the guys already left to fix their hair and make-up. But we really need to go now”  
A rush of anxiety flows though Taeyong who burrows his face harder against Jaehyun’s shirt. The younger pat’s him on the back and shakes hid head in Johnny’s direction.  
  
“He’s not doing well today, I think we need to reschedule” Jaehyun says softly.  
  
“But we can’t, remember?? Seriously though, Taeyong, it’s just a photo!” It’s rare for Johnny to raise his voice, making Taeyong extremely uncomfortable since Johnny after all is his elder.  
  
Okay.  
  
Enough with this angsty helpless baby act. Get your act together for the team.  
  
Taeyong lets himself loose from Jaehyun’s hold and throws his legs over the edge of the bed.  
  
Jaehyun stands up and answers Johnny before Taeyong does. “Johnny-hyung, stop it! If he ain’t fit for schedule then we just gotta deal with the consequences. I’ll take care of it”  
  
Johnny makes a pitiful face, but doesn’t argue.  
  
“Hey, guys, I’m fine. I’ll come. Just let me just change quick” Taeyong says with some fake energy he pulled from somewhere. He gets up to pack his bag and some clean clothes while seeing Johnny nodding encouragingly before exiting the room. Jaehyun is about to leave too but decides to stand by the door to make sure Taeyong’s fine.  
  
Jaehyun just stands there, watching Taeyong shyly undress and slip into some tracksuit bottoms and a shirt that could easily be disposed of in case they styles his hair too wildly before fitting the set clothes. He neatly folds his bed before throwing his bag over his shoulder. “I’m ready” He says with a thin voice at Jaehyun.  
  
“You sure you’ll be okay?” He asks softly.  
  
”I’ll try”  
  
Jaehyun then reaches out his hand for Taeyong to grab. The older grabs it to which the younger smiles kindly. They leave the room hand in hand.  
  
  
  
  



End file.
